385 of 418 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
It will seem like magic, May 17, 2004
This review is from: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Paperback)
Part of what makes Phelan's now very well known system work is that, whether one is cooking rice or disciplining children, it's essential to have a method, the simpler the better. All effective methods rely first and foremost on how they guide us away from reactive and emotionally-based behaviors and keep us on the proper path. Note well that Phelan's method requires the parent to understand that "Too Much Talking" and "Too Much Emotion" by the parent will lead to failure. Understanding why this is so is the key to understanding why Phelan's method is so effective.
Usually parents get caught in the trap of explaining or justifying their prerogative. This can be done once: clearly I am the adult, and not only is it my responsibility to guide your development, but, because I have been where you are and understand your situation--mainly frustration at not getting what you want--it is I, not you, who are in a position to make the right decisions. Period. Indeed, this doesn't even have to be said once. Children understand, with or without realizing it, that Mom and Dad know better than they do.
So any sort of "talk" is not only superfluous but may obscure what has happened, namely that the child has done something wrong and the parent wants it stopped. Furthermore, if you talk, the child talks and the lesson is diluted.
Even worse is for the parent to get emotional about disciplining the child. It's your job, do it and don't get worked up about it because discipline is just a technique in the larger socialization process. If you allow yourself to become emotional, you muddy up the waters and detract from the business at hand.
Phelan's 1-2-3 Magic technique works and is easy to learn and implement. If you are an ineffective disciplinarian, this book will literally change your life. My daughter and son-in-law use this method and I can tell you without it they would be foundering about, and their ability to guide my grandsons would be weakened. Never forget however that what children respond to is fairness, even-handedness, and the love that is implicit in a sincere desire to help them become fully realized human beings. Or, as Phelan succinctly puts it: "...children respond because they know Mom or Dad means business." (p. 50)
Just a quick word on this "meaning business." If you say "that's two and a half" and "that's two and three-quarters," you are NOT getting down to business. You are demonstrating that you aren't sure yourself that you are right while proving that you are unreliable. Phelan warns against this all too common parental trap.
Note too that there is no corporal punishment involved in Phelan's method. In today's world of the "professional parent" (as I like to dub my daughter and son-in-law) it is axiomatic that one does not hit or slap a child. But why? Of course violent behavior only begets violent behavior, but more than that, not hitting protects the parent from going too far. Hitting leads to more hitting. But if one never hits to begin with there is no danger of escalation. Only foolish and lazy parents hit their children. Phelan's method is an extension of this wise understanding.
The devil is in the details of parenting, you say? Yes, and in this very well written (the phrase "clear as a bell" definitely applies), you will get the details of how the method is applied in many situations and circumstances. Wondering how to put the child in "time out" at the supermarket? Phelan goes into that. What about the difference between "stop that!" and "do that"? It's one thing to get a child to stop doing something wrong. It's quite another to get the child to actually do something that needs to be done, like clean her room or do her homework. Phelan explains the difference between these two problems and how to deal with them.
Here's a another question: should the child have to apologize for what he did? Phelan warns that "many apologies are really exercises in hypocrisy." (p. 54) The child is forced to apologize for hitting his sister, but he really feels that the apology is just part of the punishment. She hit him first and she deserved it. The fine points of the murky psychology of retaliation must wait for the older child to emerge. Right now, you just stop the hitting, period.
Finally, what to do in public? Phelan devotes an entire chapter to that, and basically he says you have to bite the bullet and realize that the future character of your child is more important than any embarrassment you may experience from "counting" your child in public. Once you let the child know that being in public is no different than being at home, the child will behave. However if you let it be known that you are "vulnerable" when you're out in public, the child will immediately take advantage. Children love to test. They need to test. That's how they figure out their world.
Part of the reason this book is so polished and Phelan's methods so precise is that "over the many years of developing" his program parents have taught him how to handle tricky situations so that he now has it all covered. Also clear is Phelan's understanding of children and their needs, and the obvious affection he has for them. As he says (after you have initially explained that you are going to begin using the 1-2-3 counting method): "Expect the kids to sit there and look at you like you've just gone off your rocker." (p. 68)
Bottom line here is: if you are not aware of Phelan's very effective technique, do yourself and your children a favor and get this book.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
108 of 114 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Didn't work so well for us, March 30, 2006
This review is from: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Paperback)
I was really excited about this book when I first read it. It worked really well - at first. After a couple of days, the behavior was better and we didn't even have all that many time-outs. After more than a year, though, the enthusiasm for this system of discipline and direction has waned on all sides. My kids weren't responding to the counting as well as they did at first, and, to be perfectly honest, my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I agree with the idea that you shouldn't try to talk with the child about what they're doing wrong while you're trying to stop the behavior. They need to understand that they should stop as soon as Mom or Dad says "stop". However, I also think that there needs to be some sort of discussion at some point about why you wanted them to stop, and this wasn't suggested anywhere in the book. Although we did incorporate this into our discipline routine ourselves, it is something that I think is seriously lacking in this book.
I have several friends who swear by this book, but it just didn't cut it for us. I would recommend trying it out for yourself to see whether it will work for you. If not, "Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay is a great book that incorporates all the things we felt were lacking in this one.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
33 of 33 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Mixed feelings, April 20, 2007
This review is from: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Paperback)
I really hesitated to write a review about this book because I have such mixed feelings about it. This book was recommended by a very respected friend, who is an excellent and effective parent. So much of what the book says makes sense. I really like that that the author focuses on approaching discipline calmly. He does not condone yelling and spanking. He explains how yelling and spanking in anger will make your child's behavior worse. Also cajoling, begging and arguing with your child is completely ineffective. I agree with all of this completely. He suggests that when you discipline your child you should remain as calm as possible. I have applied this to disciplining my own child and I can attest to the effectiveness of it. I also like that he makes a distinction between stopping undesirable behavior and promoting desirable behavior.
Now for the not so good...This book has a really condescending tone that so many parenting books adopt and it drives me crazy! I think children understand a lot more than people realize. I don't think it's appropriate to never discuss their behavior with them as the book suggests. And frankly, I find counting every single offense to be unrealistic. I understand the concept behind it, but for us it just really doesn't work. Instead we make the request once and when she doesn't comply we will determine appropriate discipline. Sometimes time out is the best answer, but sometimes it isn't. You have to pick your battles.
I think the actual magic of this book is explaining to frustrated parents that they really just need to calm down a bit and use a cool and level head when they are disciplining children. Additionally, the section on rewarding and encouraging good behavior is good. Positive reinforcement is one of the most important components of good discipline and one that is often neglected. For these reasons, I think it's a worthy book. And the counting technique is fine, but it's not the only way.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
![[Start the discussion]](http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/x-locale/communities/discussion_boards/start-new-discussion-sec._V192250339_.gif){kind=small}
