Customer Reviews

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

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Part of what makes Phelan's now very well known system work is that, whether one is cooking rice or disciplining children, it's essential to have a method, the simpler the better. All effective methods rely first and foremost on how they guide us away from reactive and emotionally-based behaviors and keep us on the proper path. Note well that Phelan's method requires the parent to understand that "Too Much Talking" and "Too Much Emotion" by the parent will lead to failure. Understanding why this is so is the key to understanding why Phelan's method is so effective.

Usually parents get caught in the trap of explaining or justifying their prerogative. This can be done once: clearly I am the adult, and not only is it my responsibility to guide your development, but, because I have been where you are and understand your situation--mainly frustration at not getting what you want--it is I, not you, who are in a position to make the right decisions. Period. Indeed, this doesn't even have to be said once. Children understand, with or without realizing it, that Mom and Dad know better than they do.

So any sort of "talk" is not only superfluous but may obscure what has happened, namely that the child has done something wrong and the parent wants it stopped. Furthermore, if you talk, the child talks and the lesson is diluted.

Even worse is for the parent to get emotional about disciplining the child. It's your job, do it and don't get worked up about it because discipline is just a technique in the larger socialization process. If you allow yourself to become emotional, you muddy up the waters and detract from the business at hand.

Phelan's 1-2-3 Magic technique works and is easy to learn and implement. If you are an ineffective disciplinarian, this book will literally change your life. My daughter and son-in-law use this method and I can tell you without it they would be foundering about, and their ability to guide my grandsons would be weakened. Never forget however that what children respond to is fairness, even-handedness, and the love that is implicit in a sincere desire to help them become fully realized human beings. Or, as Phelan succinctly puts it: "...children respond because they know Mom or Dad means business." (p. 50)

Just a quick word on this "meaning business." If you say "that's two and a half" and "that's two and three-quarters," you are NOT getting down to business. You are demonstrating that you aren't sure yourself that you are right while proving that you are unreliable. Phelan warns against this all too common parental trap.

Note too that there is no corporal punishment involved in Phelan's method. In today's world of the "professional parent" (as I like to dub my daughter and son-in-law) it is axiomatic that one does not hit or slap a child. But why? Of course violent behavior only begets violent behavior, but more than that, not hitting protects the parent from going too far. Hitting leads to more hitting. But if one never hits to begin with there is no danger of escalation. Only foolish and lazy parents hit their children. Phelan's method is an extension of this wise understanding.

The devil is in the details of parenting, you say? Yes, and in this very well written (the phrase "clear as a bell" definitely applies), you will get the details of how the method is applied in many situations and circumstances. Wondering how to put the child in "time out" at the supermarket? Phelan goes into that. What about the difference between "stop that!" and "do that"? It's one thing to get a child to stop doing something wrong. It's quite another to get the child to actually do something that needs to be done, like clean her room or do her homework. Phelan explains the difference between these two problems and how to deal with them.

Here's a another question: should the child have to apologize for what he did? Phelan warns that "many apologies are really exercises in hypocrisy." (p. 54) The child is forced to apologize for hitting his sister, but he really feels that the apology is just part of the punishment. She hit him first and she deserved it. The fine points of the murky psychology of retaliation must wait for the older child to emerge. Right now, you just stop the hitting, period.

Finally, what to do in public? Phelan devotes an entire chapter to that, and basically he says you have to bite the bullet and realize that the future character of your child is more important than any embarrassment you may experience from "counting" your child in public. Once you let the child know that being in public is no different than being at home, the child will behave. However if you let it be known that you are "vulnerable" when you're out in public, the child will immediately take advantage. Children love to test. They need to test. That's how they figure out their world.

Part of the reason this book is so polished and Phelan's methods so precise is that "over the many years of developing" his program parents have taught him how to handle tricky situations so that he now has it all covered. Also clear is Phelan's understanding of children and their needs, and the obvious affection he has for them. As he says (after you have initially explained that you are going to begin using the 1-2-3 counting method): "Expect the kids to sit there and look at you like you've just gone off your rocker." (p. 68)

Bottom line here is: if you are not aware of Phelan's very effective technique, do yourself and your children a favor and get this book.

I was really excited about this book when I first read it. It worked really well - at first. After a couple of days, the behavior was better and we didn't even have all that many time-outs. After more than a year, though, the enthusiasm for this system of discipline and direction has waned on all sides. My kids weren't responding to the counting as well as they did at first, and, to be perfectly honest, my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I agree with the idea that you shouldn't try to talk with the child about what they're doing wrong while you're trying to stop the behavior. They need to understand that they should stop as soon as Mom or Dad says "stop". However, I also think that there needs to be some sort of discussion at some point about why you wanted them to stop, and this wasn't suggested anywhere in the book. Although we did incorporate this into our discipline routine ourselves, it is something that I think is seriously lacking in this book.

I have several friends who swear by this book, but it just didn't cut it for us. I would recommend trying it out for yourself to see whether it will work for you. If not, "Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay is a great book that incorporates all the things we felt were lacking in this one.

I really hesitated to write a review about this book because I have such mixed feelings about it. This book was recommended by a very respected friend, who is an excellent and effective parent. So much of what the book says makes sense. I really like that that the author focuses on approaching discipline calmly. He does not condone yelling and spanking. He explains how yelling and spanking in anger will make your child's behavior worse. Also cajoling, begging and arguing with your child is completely ineffective. I agree with all of this completely. He suggests that when you discipline your child you should remain as calm as possible. I have applied this to disciplining my own child and I can attest to the effectiveness of it. I also like that he makes a distinction between stopping undesirable behavior and promoting desirable behavior.

Now for the not so good...This book has a really condescending tone that so many parenting books adopt and it drives me crazy! I think children understand a lot more than people realize. I don't think it's appropriate to never discuss their behavior with them as the book suggests. And frankly, I find counting every single offense to be unrealistic. I understand the concept behind it, but for us it just really doesn't work. Instead we make the request once and when she doesn't comply we will determine appropriate discipline. Sometimes time out is the best answer, but sometimes it isn't. You have to pick your battles.

I think the actual magic of this book is explaining to frustrated parents that they really just need to calm down a bit and use a cool and level head when they are disciplining children. Additionally, the section on rewarding and encouraging good behavior is good. Positive reinforcement is one of the most important components of good discipline and one that is often neglected. For these reasons, I think it's a worthy book. And the counting technique is fine, but it's not the only way.

I have read over a dozen parenting books including Playful Parenting, Easy to love, Difficult to Discipline, Picking Your Battles, Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, P.E.T. and Unconditional Parenting just to name a few. This though is the first book parenting book, I've ever reviewed, because it's the only one that has truly helped me.

I've tried every possible approach w/ my 3 1/2 yr old and felt so hopeless that I even entered therapy to try to get at the root of my parenting difficulties. Well what I realized the real problem was that I was reading a lot of parenting books that while were wonderful in their idealistic views, were just not realistic. They were in fact causing me to view my daughter as a "little adult" and in turn making me and her crazy.

Now things are very clear, I have a plan, she knows what to expect. For probably the last 1.5 yrs, I've been in yelling matches with my daughter at least once a day. And after reading this book, I have not yelled at her even once for almost 2 weeks now. I'm enjoying my daughter so much for the first time since she was a baby and she in turn seems much happier and secure now that I am the confident mother she so desparately has been needing all along.

Anyway, if you rather have a straightforward plan that anyone can implement rather than an abstract theory that takes the patience of a saint to stick to, then this book is for you!!

Tom Phelan presented a discipline program recently to my school district. He was sensible...and funny...so we bought his book.

His advice is practical and well tested. His book sites many specific examples of what our kids do and say and what WE can do differently to change THEIR behavior.

He addresses discipline regarding 2 types of behaviors... "STOP" behavior (like bad words, hitting, whining and disrespectful attitude)and "START" behavior ( like getting the kids to do their homework, chores, clean up, use manners etc.)

He emphasizes that "the Magic" it is not so much the counting of...1, 2, 3 but rather how you choose to say it...in a calm yet athoritative manner so that the child knows the parent means business. He also talked about the importance of discussion outside the heat of the moment with the child either in a one-on-one discussion or a family meeting.

Our 2-way communication with our children now involves more listening to one another and less lecturing. I realized that I had been doing the count all wrong expecting the magic to happen...threatening and screaming the numbers at the top of my lungs finding myself reaching 2 and 3/4...2 and 7/8 and feeling my kids were in total control and that I was a failure with the technique that was working so well for my neighbor.

Listening to Dr. Phelan and reading his book has taught me how to use this method correctly and to my surprise it is actually now working with my 6 and 8 year old. If you have a toddler or preschooler like me, I found many more age appropriate positive discipline strategies in another complementary A-Z guide for parents of 2's, 3's, 4's and 5's...called "The Pocket Parent". Exclusively written only for this challenging 4 year age span, this book is chock full of hundreds of brief, specific bulleted suggestions and examples of handling the behaviors that drive you close to your wits' end! Both books are very compatible in philosophy and are worthy additions to your home library...POCKET PARENT for the little ones and 1,2,3 MAGIC for all ages.

I really found this book so helpful because it clearly offers a variety of specific strategies to try. We have chosen a few that have worked with our children, both for stopping bad behaviors and starting new behaviors. We now yell and nag much less. It has been hard work to remain consistent with our new approach...not exactly magic. We also recommend the discipline suggestions in "The Pocket Parent", organized as an A-Z guide of challenging toddler and preschool behaviors. Try some of the sensible techniques in these two compatible books that seem to be a good fit for your family.
I'd call the positive change we experienced SANITY rather than MAGIC!!

Imagine being very angry at your friend and they in turn say to you as you express yourself.. "that's one"...you continue to express your angry..."that's two"..."that's three...take a five minute time out". I would personally find it very frustrating and thankfully it never happens like this the real world. So why inflict this on your children? By using this system for several years we cut our son off from expressing his feelings constructively. If any anything this system only escalated the power struggle and fueled acrimony in our relationship with our son. This simplistic approach to paretning degrades and demeans the child and the parent, precluding possibility of a positive adult relationship relation with your child as they grow up . I am very sad about what we did following the 123 Magic approach. It's hard to believe this approach has any credence whatsoever. An example of the 123 Magic approach: giving children money every hour they behave in a car keeps them quiet but it also trains them to that they get paid for good behavior(not true in the adult world), puts the focus on parental approval and does not foster the inner discipline teenagers and adults need deal with the challenges of life. The books that have helped us create positive relationships with our children and foster inner discipline include the following: The Parent Handbook & Raising A Responsible Child, Don Dinkmeyer; How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber; Kids Are Worth It! Barbara Colorosso, Children: The Challenge, Rudolf Dreikurs; Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen Covey. Save yourself the mistakes we made; don't buy 123 Magic. We are so proud of our parenting now and so happy with postive family environment we have created with our children, based on the books listed above.

This book DOES have a place. Sometimes, when nothing else works, this might, especially for really young kids, who really cannot behave rationally. When my daughter was a toddler, from about age 2.5 to about 3, she had an awful habit of screaming whenever she didn't get her way. And by screaming, I mean SCREAMING. If we said no, she would look at us, narrow her eyes, open her mouth and scream with such volume it literally hurt our ears, even when across the room, and could be excrutiating if at all close to her. Nothing we did seemed to help, and it got worse and worse. Finally, we re-read this book, and tried it. Within 2 weeks, the behavior went from common (several times a day) to occasional (weekly). 3 months later she had stopped entirely.

However, it DOES lead to some problems. I think parents who continue to use this much beyond age five (if my own example is an indication) tend to get too inflexible, and stifling of their child's emotions. The kids let out a whine, and you count them to one. Whine again, and they get counted to two. Whine a third time, and get sent to their room to scream it out. I have a real problem with this - first of all, I think it tends to encourage the bad behavior at least one more time (the kid won't get sent to their room on a one or a two, right, so why NOT whine at least once more before quitting?) Second of all, it doesn't encourage the parent to find out WHY the kid is whining. I recently re-read one of Faber and Mazlish's books, and when my daughter whined about a situation we were in, I tried "you sound very frustrated" and she said "yeah, I am!" and to my surprise she STOPPED whining after that one comment on my part. If I'd counted her, she'd have whined at least one more time, and possibly a second. AND she accepted my "no" that had caused her whining in the first place. I use 5 as the cut-off, because at about age 5, kids get way more reasonable. By "reasonable" I mean they seem to gain the ability to use reason, and become a lot more rational. And this method really doesn't exercise that at all, beyond "if I don't quit, I'm going to have to spend time in my room". It's getting kids to behave, but for the wrong reasons.

I'm sure proponents would say that I'm doing it wrong, and there is certainly some truth to that. However, parents AREN'T computers, and cannot remember all the rules the time. And with habitual use, I really believe this system leads toward overuse and inappropriate use - stifling and rigidity, which I doubt the author really intends.

Anyway, my recommendation is that this book MIGHT be useful with very young children, but to be careful not to become too controlling, rigid and stifling.

Neither my wife nor I knew how to discipline our two year old. A toddler was running our house and our lives. Being out of ideas seemed like being out of oxygen and we were squirming. Until this book, 1-2-3 Magic, was loaned to us. And our black and blue faces began to pink with joy.

The book is essentially divided into two modes of parental behavior to influence child behavior: A) start and B) stop. The book starts off with the latter: stopping. Just like skiing lessons start off with learning how to fall first before you can ski.

As soon as the parent is expected to stop a child's unacceptable behavior counting starts. This is where 1-2-3 of the book's title comes into play. Its consequence, the disciplining of the child, is the magic. The magic is held together by two secret ingredients, or cardinal rules: no-talk and no-emotion in between counts.

Starting good behaviors is FUN. Many techniques are discussed in the book, including the charting procedure, the kitchen timer, natural consequences among others.

Some of us unfortunately did not have parents who learned from a book like this, nor did their parents. A book of this sort stands to help parents like ourselves raise a better generation.

First of all, this book is incredibly long-winded and repetitive. He could have explained the technique in a few pages, but rambles on and on. It reminds me of when I used to write papers in high school and used pointless examples just to try to fill the pages. The writing is also a little too condescending for my taste.

It looks like this book changed many people's lives, but every time I tried the counting method with my son, he would scream "No, don't count!!" It didn't matter how I set the stage, or how much or how little I explained. The more we counted, the more bent out of shape he would get. And, pretty much, he would not stop the behavior until we got to "three" and then he would scream and throw a fit. Like any method, it works for some, but not for all.