1001 Funniest Things Ever Said [Hardcover]

Steven D. Price (Editor)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 1, 2006 | Series: 1001

A collection of the greatest witticisms from the world of politics, show business, sports, and anywhere else people can get a good laugh.

Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

Here are a thousand and one laugh-out-loud quotes, quips, and jokes, all in one packed-to-the-brim volume. Yes, folks, sit back and enjoy this collection of inadvertent gaffes, thigh-slappers, puns, and everything and anything else that'll tickle your funny bone. There’s something old, something new, something stolen, and something blue . . . from favorite comedians, sports and political figures, and literary wits. There are even giggles for the kids and groaners for the grown-ups, including:

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." --Rita Rudner

"I don't know if it’s good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto." --Yogi Berra on being told that Joe DiMaggio was to marry Marilyn Monroe

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything." --President George W. Bush

"I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died." --Malcolm Forbes

 

About the Author

Steven D. Price, a consulting editor of The Lyons Press, is the author of thirty books, including 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, 1001 Insults, Put-Downs, and Comebacks, The Best Advice Ever Given, and The Quotable Horse Lover. When asked whether he’s lived in New York City all his life, he was heard to reply, “Not yet.”

Product Details

• Hardcover: 352 pages
• Publisher: The Lyons Press; First Printing edition (November 1, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1592284434
• ISBN-13: 978-1592284436
• Product Dimensions: 6.8 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 3.5 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #233,853 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Resource for Speakers, Writers and People who Love to Laugh!, April 28, 2008

By 

Dan Seidman (Got Influence, Intergalactic HQ) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: 1001 Funniest Things Ever Said (Hardcover)

Your friends will think your the funniest person on the planet when you start spouting off hundreds of these hilarious quotes.

You can even be funny alphabetically, if you work from front to back.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Honestly, this book will help you fight of ANY kind of depression or winter blues! So buy it if you need that., May 24, 2009

By 

Adam G. Thomson III "Lap top work station des... (Bethel, North Carolina, USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: 1001 Funniest Things Ever Said (Hardcover)

This is a very good book of funny quotes by famous people and entertainers. I am sure some of them you will have already heard before, when you start reading this book. The book is very well organized by the joke tellers, e.g.-professional comedians, Hollywood actors and actresses, sports figures, kids jokes, knock knock jokes, children's jokes and jokes about foreigners. If you give it a chance it will have you in stitches.

It is important before you read this book to check your ego at the door. If you can't do that, then, I would suggest you not buy this book. If you can leave your existing bias outside your reading room, you will be up late at night reading this until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. I am sure future reviewers of this book will reconfirm this

My only criticism is that I had a friend who when I told her some of the jokes about foreigners, she was offended at some of the jokes. Some of her observations might hold some weight, but I think she should have tried to just appreciate the humor and not insert her own biases when I told her those jokes. I found some of the children's jokes at times a bit hard to understand, probably because I had a bit of a "jilted" childhood. The alphabetical index in the back was fun to use to browse, when you want to break away from the way the book's jokes are arranged in their order.

There was one whole Prairie Home Companion Joke Show that sounded like they had used this book's jokes as its basis. Even if all you do is buy this book to tell a joke to your wife before you go to bed, it is worth the buy. It might not save your marriage, but you're both a lot more likely to remain friends during the divorce if you covertly use it on your spouse occasionally, just before, during and after the proceedings. So relax, cut lose and enjoy the read. It is a good one.

Last point; If this book doesn't loosen you up as a person, go seek some professional mental help, and start taking seriously some of those observations your significant other has been telling you during the last few months.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Fiction and Truth... both can be funny, July 23, 2010

By 

R Schmidt (Honolulu, HI USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: 1001 Funniest Things Ever Said (Paperback)

Is truth funnier than fiction? You be the judge.

There are riddles, jokes, and sayings meant to be funny. They are designed that way, and the ones that tickle our funny bone persist while the others disappear until invented again.

And there are also those comments, quips, and pleadings that were never intended to be funny, but they are. Their innocence makes them even funnier.

Here are a few of the 1001 samples from this great, well-edited collection. You'll notice that some are from bona-fide comedians, while others come from the comedic spokesperson, usually accidentally.

"First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." Joan Rivers

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery

"I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about being dead, and everyone there will know there is something worse than death. " Gary Numan

"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, `Do you want fries with that?'" John Cleese


And the non-comedians:

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." Yogi Berra

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something." Dennis Rodman

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything." George W. Bush

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his." Ronald Reagan

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, `Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." Barbara Boxer

"I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died." Malcom Forbes

And is this true? A note from President Abraham Lincoln to General George McClellan: "My dear McClellan: If you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully, A. Lincoln" (p. 199).