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I wonder why I shy away from commitment. I have the example of Fiona and Christopher, but I know not all relationships are like that. My parents have been marriedI assume happilyfor forty years. My grandparents are going on sixty-three years. I never see them argue, and I'm reasonably certain that none of them have cheated.
I haven't had a lot of experience with divorce. Only two of my cousins are divorced. My sister divorced her first husband after two years of marriage, but she remarried three years later. They've been together for seven years now, and seem just as in love as the day they met.
Maybe I don't trust what I've seen because it seems too perfect. Who knows what ugly secrets they hide from the world? My dad might have a mistress, and my grandfather could be an abuser. My mother might be a secret gambler, and my grandmother could be a control-freak. Maybe Dana and Tom only stay together for their children.
It's not that I don't want a man. I just haven't met one that I trust enough to join our futures together permanently. I've come close a couple of times. I lived with Christian during college, but then he got that job in Singapore, and I didn't want to go with him. I always felt apathetic about a future with him anyway.
And let's not forget Steven. He was a huge mistake. He came along when I was twenty-eight, shortly after I'd declared, "I'll die if I'm still single when I'm thirty-five." He seemed perfect, and I allowed my desperation to blind me to his faults. His quick temper, vicious tongue, and excessive drinking. When he proposed, I almost said yes. Something held me back, and I got to see the true side of him, without my blinders. Refusing to marry him cost me a night in the hospital, two broken ribs, and a black eye. A small price when compared to what years of marriage might have cost me. After I was discharged, I vowed not to enter another relationship just because I didn't want to be alone.
I know not every man is like Steven. There must be a good man out there. I just have to keep looking. But I'm getting older every day. My eggs are withering as the time passes, and I know I want a baby. How much longer should I continue to look for Mr. Right before I skip him and go straight to motherhood? It's a tough question.