Customer Reviews

365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy

5 star:		(27)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(17)

 

 

If you haven't heard about this book yet, hold on to your hat. This hilarious, honest, moving account of one woman's "Gift" to her husband of sex everyday for a year is an incredible story. Charla has a wonderful writing style that makes you feel like you are sitting across a table from her with a glass of wine in your hand, sharing all your innermost thoughts with your best friend. Her voice perfectly captures what it is like for many women that have been married for a number of years, with a couple of kids, working inside or outside the home, with a husband around here somewhere and sex not anywhere on that endless to-do list. The topic of sex in a marriage (or lack thereof!) is still somewhat taboo, with a lot of people thinking about it, but no one really willing to talk about it. Thankfully Charla Muller had the courage and the pluck to not only come up with the idea of sex everyday, but to write a witty, enjoyable book about it! (Note: the book is completely G-rated, with a focus on the relationship, not the act itself.) Her honesty and humor provides a great forum for husbands and wives everywhere to talk about "the elephant in the bedroom" and in the process reconnect with one another. Thank you Charla for giving the Gift to Brad and for giving everyone else the gift of your book! Can't wait to read your next one.....

Some of the negative reviews have been from Northern types who just didn't get Charla at all. I enjoyed reading the book -- obviously, Charla's not a professional writer, but she's honest, and her voice is clear and vibrant. Perhaps not to your taste if you're not a Southern Baptist Republican, but she's putting herself on the line here. Don't expect any explicit sexual descriptions -- there's a somewhat prissy overuse of the word "intimacy" for sexual intercourse, for example. But overall, she sounds like a fun friend and a good mother. No quarrel there.

But-- I admit to being really shocked by her admission of how much she dislikes sex with her husband. She claims all her girlfriends dislike sex too. By the end of the book, I felt really sorry for her husband, who has to beg her to even look interested.

Wake up, Charla! All you gave your husband was the use of the lower half of your body. Spend a year learning to enjoy sex and write another book about that! I have to believe that deep down, that's what you wanted, or otherwise, why would you have suggested the 365 days of sex anyway?

Not worth your time or money. The author uses the premise to discuss almost everything except sex. There are almost no details about the sex-life of the author and her husband. With respect to specific sexual activity, the reader is never informed as to exactly what it is the couple did before or during the 365 days. Even the simplest description of what exactly constituted "sex" during this time period is left to the reader's imagination. Most of the book is devoted to the author's musings on topics unrelated to the title, and her constant use of parenthetical thoughts is both annoying and distracting. A much better, entertaining, and informative book---that manages to stay entirely on point---is "Just Do It" by Douglas Brown.

After reading this book, it's all my girlfriends and I can talk about. Ms. Muller brings such an enticing, interesting but often taboo subject to light and gives us a chance to all talk about it using she and Mr. Muller as shining examples. While I haven't found many girlfriends willing to give the 365 day gift--I've found a couple willing to think about 40. Thanks to Ms. Muller for bringing her wit, honesty and class to these pages. Even a cynical New Yorker enjoyed her book. I cannot wait to read the next one.

So what all men want is 365 days of sex, that's it. They want 365 days of being able to lie down with their wives and move their bodies up and down till they orgasm and then roll over and fall asleep. They don't want their wives to actually participate, or be creative, or initiate, or be truly intimate. They just want one step up from self pleasure, and they will be happy.
Well according to Charla Muller that is.
This married, 30 something, mother of two, decided that on her Husband Brads 40th birthday she would SHOCK him with an offer of an entire YEAR of sex. She wanted to give him something original, a gift only she could give him. She didn't want to hand him a new watch, or drive up in a new car, she wanted to endow him with a years worth of intimacy, what man wouldn't want that! But wait there's more, she would also write a book about all of this because according to her, women wanted to know all about this "project".
I picked up this book for a few reasons. One, because I was married for 10 years and our sex life/intimacy was dead in the water. Two, because I am divorced now and with a man who matches me at every level, especially with passion and intimacy and I wanted to see if sex everyday for this couple would match what I was feeling in my personal life. I was curious about how she would approach this "gift", would they be able to spice it up, have fun, discover new erogenous zones, incorporate toys/props, bolster their imaginations, be brave and open themselves up more to each other and bring them closer together? I don't have kids but I wanted to read about how that would effect this "gift".
Charla claims on the front cover "Charla had a wonderful marriage" but I don't think that a marriage that is lacking intimacy, and a healthy sex life is wonderful. I think Charla was comfortable with the marriage, with not having to work hard at being close to her husband so to her, it was good enough.
This book has nothing to do with sex, or intimacy, or kink, or even surrendering oneself to being the best lover you can for your husband. As a reader your dragged into it with that bait, and then subjected to this woman's blatant lack of self esteem, terrible writing(with Betsy Thorpe), and ice cold personality. You don't envy this man, who is now part of a game that he can't win. Charla will claim that the sex brings them closer together, but then acts like it's a chore, even calling it the "daily deed" They "fit it in" between little league and a dinner party. You get NO sense of what kind of sex they are having until later when its eleven months in and he comes to bed and says to her:
"Could you pretend you're interested in this? I mean could you woo me a bit?" she gets her hackles up and pretty much declares that she HAS been wooing him the whole time, it has required stamina and patience, personal grooming, and work ethic to do this for him! What more does he want? He tells her he doesn't want more he wants "Better". To which she says "What is better than having sex everyday with your wife for an entire year" and this is the TELLING part the BEST part , he says "well, does it really count if your just lying there, not that into it"
Like many women out there, she feels she is doing her JOB by having sex with him, her duty, look she even freaking shaved for it! So be grateful husbands, that she made that bit of effort. God I hate this woman.
I came away feeling so sorry for Brad, this gift he was given was just his wife's way of controlling him, experimenting with his feelings, trying to boost her own self esteem at the expense of his. Don't read this book if you're curious about what everyday sex could be like, or what it can do for a marriage that is maybe lacking in passion. It's not a book that might give you ideas to spark up your own sex life, or to use as a guide for your very own 365 day romp. Most of it is her rambling on about topics NO ONE would be interested in. Charla will claim at the end that they are happier, I don't believe her one bit.

Charla Muller's epigraph for 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy is from dramatist Jean Anouilh: "To say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows." Out of its context, Anouilh's quotation summarizes Charla Muller's attitude toward marital sex: It's a chore and a bore. That is why, on the occasion of her husband's 40th birthday, she, in the spirit of self-sacrifice, offers him what she calls "The Gift"--sex every day for the next year. After pages of overwrought mutual analysis about the implications, Brad Muller accepts. In one short chapter, the reader is introduced to what seems to be the most passionless marriage on the planet.

The rest of 365 Nights (give or take a few--mustn't have sex during menstruation, for example) rarely delves into sex or even intimacy, physical or emotional. Our most penetrating look into the Mullers' sex life comes when Charla says, "Wow, that was really nice" (or "yummy") and Brad says, "Could you pretend you're enjoying it?" to which Charla replies, "How 'bout you just close your eyes." Between these flashes of profound love, Charla tirelessly fills the reader in on her rather narrow view of relationships, marriage, parenting, being a working mother (she works two days a week), and how giving her husband what he wants ("The Gift") has somehow made them stronger as a couple. It's not the intimacy itself that seems to bring them closer together, but the sense of sacrifice and the willingness to work to overcome the obstacles--not only Charla's dislike of sex (which she seems to believe she shares with every married mother), but logistics such as work, children, activities, and the need for private time.

Perhaps married women with children who see their husbands as "sperm donors" and "providers," as Charla writes of some of her friends, will relate to her and her view of love, marriage, and life. Undoubtedly, many will find that she validates the sexual ennui that can set in during any long-term relationship. From my single, childless perspective, she offers no insights, not even as to the underlying reasons she makes every effort to avoid sex with the man she loves and why getting ready for sex means, "I just continue lying there" (prompting her husband to say, "Could you pretend you're interested in this?").

When the year of "The Gift" is over, Brad seems happy because he will continue to get sex more frequently (although not every day), and Charla is happy because her husband is more content and her marriage is more solid--and, to me, as free of passion as ever. Charla writes about some of the benefits of sex--it provides exercise and offers improved communication for example (she likes to talk to Brad about the mundane during the act, we learn). She mentions greater emotional intimacy, but she doesn't convey it or what it means. She touches on the surface of the issues, but is unable or is afraid to say anything meaningful beyond the obvious. While she lies back and gives "The Gift," she cannot bring herself to mention that she finds any physical pleasure or emotional joy in the act itself (other than that it's "nice"). She and Brad seem to be well suited to each other, but they could be brother and sister Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert from Anne of Green Gables for all the passion shown in their marriage--with or without sex.

Charla's perky style is annoying, and her values, which she assumes we all share, are painfully shallow. She disdains ugly mini-vans (and her beloved children's energy future) in favor of a "cool" SUV. A "polite feminist," she believes that it's a "rule" that women, and now men, must pluck their eyebrows (and any other hair that doesn't meet her concept of perfect grooming and appearance). She is surprised to learn she is pregnant after just a couple of months, calling herself "very fertile" (what does this make Brad?) and making one wonder if she never learned the reasons that contraception became such a hot topic for 19th century women. She abhors the idea of aging naturally and fantasizes about "slight tweaking" through plastic surgery until Brad says, "What will she [daughter] think if she sees her mother conforming to these bizarre societal standards?"--standards to which Charla would have us all make every effort to conform.

Charla presents herself as someone you should want to chat with over coffee about the vicissitudes of married suburban life; indeed, that's how this book came about. I couldn't. It's more than her overuse of words like "nice," "gal," and "girls" (this from a "polite feminist") or the wearisome banality of her endless reflections. She's one of those people--we all know at least one--who prattle nonstop without saying anything, leaving one feeling tired and empty--or energized, if that is your sort of thing.

365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy could have been a compelling story, but it would take a more interesting and thoughtful person than Charla Muller to grasp the topic and its nuances and to do it the justice it deserves.

I really enjoyed reading this funny and inspirational book. It has inspired me in many ways including getting the bedroom back into my marriage. I loved her wit and humor. I could definitely relate to many of her feelings on intimacy and family and if she can do this then I can certainly make some positive changes too! I can't wait for my husband to read this book to help him understand where I've been coming from all these years. It's a must read for both wives and husbands.

Parts of the book are laugh-out-loud funny, but at its heart, this book is a sweet story about falling in love with your spouse all over again. And who wouldn't fall for Brad Muller? The reader gets to know him through the author's loving descriptions, and I came to feel about him the way I do about the wonderful Alice Trillin (through Calvin's books). This is a book I'll share and give as a gift. I can't wait to see what Ms. Muller does next.

As a 67 year old mother of four and grandmother of 11, I would recommend this delightful book to be given to your adult children, who all struggle with balance in their lives as they juggle children, jobs and their primary relationship with their spouse. Ms. Muller has a clear Southern voice of humor and wit which will make you laugh out loud but at a more serious level you will cheer her through her crises as she tries to make her marriage even better through "the Gift". This is not a book about sex per se, but a charming and honest book about relationship at its best and I will be sending it to my three daughters and daughter-in- law ASAP.

Few books have made me want to stand up on a table in a cafe and shout "Every person in a long term relationship should read this!" 365 Days: A Memoir of Intimacy captures the essence of what I and most of my friends are going through at this point in life -- the struggle to hold on to a professional life while raising children while wondering what to say to that strange man sitting across from us at dinner, oh yes, the husband.

Thankfully, Charla Muller's first memoir has come along at the right time.


Charla Muller is the voice we have been waiting to hear -- revealing yet not overly confessional, poignant, and very funny. Think David Sedaris meets Anne Lamott meets the Gal Next Door (a little bit irreverent, a lot down-to-earth and genuinely helpful). Each chapter delivers an "ah-ha" moment about the challenges of living with another person...FOREVER. Who is going to remember the in-laws' birthdays, what do we do about his family's baffling holiday traditions, why doesn't she ever follow-through, how do we rebound from disappointments?

For anyone who feels the spark is missing from your long-term relationship and would love to add it back, tune in to "365 Days". Charla's not offering miraculous prescriptions for intimacy, but she is saying more is probably better. As long as everyone involved agrees, of course.