Customer Reviews

The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

This is the second book on the subject that I've read. The first was "How to have an affair and never get caught," which wasn't worth the time or money for me. This book is very different. I would not skip a chapter in this book -- read it from cover to cover. It operates on the premise that you have decided to have an affair, or at least are not "anti". First it provides you with some rationale or rationalization as to why people have affairs. It goes through the four basic stages of an affair, gives 20 very useful rules for having one, and goes into detail about each one. The only thing it didn't cover was how to start an affair -- maybe if you have to ask how, you "can't afford one" as they say. If you are against affairs, this is not the book for you. But if you want a fair and reasonably balanced approach to minimizing the consequences, this is the book for you.

I realize this is a highly sensitive topic and lots of people have different opinions. It is also true that although most people aspire to and certainly expect fidelity, many people end up straying despite good intentions. One school of thought on how to best handle this is to hide the facts, which is what this author holds out as the gold standard of behavior. The rationale is that sharing this information would hurt the other partner and that since affairs are basically unavoidable, if you love someone you are almost morally obligated to hide the truth. This doesn't sound like love to me, but if you subscribe to this line of reasoning you will be very happy with all of the suggestions this author has for disorienting your partner, avoiding the responsibility of an authentic relationship and addressing relationship problems or issues head-on and co-creating a win-win situation (or making a difficult decision that your partner may not like).

This author is obviously intelligent and her book is entertaining. It is fairly well-organized and it does recognize the difficulty of struggling with the shame and guilt associated with affairs and the lack of cultural understanding of how people's social and mating agendas are often in conflict. I think Ms. Brandt is compassionate, but misguided in some fundamental ways and I disagree with her approach for reasons that I explain in more detail below. If you were turned off by my review so far, you may not want to read on.

As a personal growth coach, I regularly work with clients who are on the receiving end of an affair. My experience is that it is NOT the extra-marital sex itself that is the most basic problem, but rather the fact that one has been deceived by someone who is in a position of extreme trust. It goes without saying that both people are extremely vulnerable emotionally.

I'm not sure one can call something an authentic relationship if it is characterized by deception i.e. outright lying, half-truths and lies of omission. This seems to run contrary to the very definition of love. In my opinion, if you read this book and in your heart-of-hearts you can say that this is how you would want YOUR partner to behave toward you, then I would say it's a good fit. If not, I would suggest either Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy or Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map for either dealing with these temptations or coming to agreements that work. Another good book in this genre is Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment.

I have compassion for people who cheat on their partner and on the partner cheated on. I think in these situations both people suffer and often other innocent parties such as children are hurt by the fallout. Marriage and commitment is certainly a difficult road to travel and some situations are very difficult. Life is not clean and simple and while affairs do happen, I'm not sure the answer for the society at large is this approach. Certainly, our inherited biology makes being loyal a challenge, but I suspect there is a benefit in struggling with these tendencies. An interesting perspective on our evolutionary tendencies around this area can be gained from reading the The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. This book explains that both sexes do indeed have short and long term mating strategies that are hardwired and at odds. It's a great book, however, it doesn't go into the fact that we are hardwired to bond in as great detail or talk about the fact that we may have evolved to a point where we can hold our biology with respect and choose to act in a manner consistent with our values. I think this is a point that this book misses and instead of encouraging us to reach higher, it seems to encourage us to regress.

If you want a good read on the biology of love and bonding, then you might try A General Theory of Love. This provides more balance to the picture. While it may come across as so, this review is not meant to be judgmental or moralistic. I understand how difficult it is to struggle with temptation, admit difficult truths to your partner, etc. One way to look at these are things to hide, another is as steppingstones to growth and intimacy. This is where my bias lies and if what I have observed in my practice is true, for most people affairs are often nothing more than very temporary, but costly pain killers. In many cases, affairs seem to make a bad marriage bearable, which often leads to partners not facing their problems together from the same side and working out a solution that serves both people and the family.

This review is my opinion and I tried to be balanced. There are many reviewers who are outraged and others that think this is great stuff. What I tried to offer here is what I have learned from my own experience, extensive reading on this topic and working with couples. My intent is not to slam the author or make people who have affairs feel "bad" or "ashamed." What I so want to offer is another perspective that will be useful to some and not useful to others. However, I think if you are entertaining something as serious as an affair with lots of potential consequences, you might want to try out many different perspectives before making a decision that can cause your life to come crashing down around your ears overnight. I believe people are responsible for their choices and the more their choices effect others, the more responsibility is involved. I'm sure there are many readers out there who share this view and I suspect that even those struggling with strong temptation in some cases for very real and painful reasons can see the grain of truth in this point of view as well.

This book contains some real insight into motivations for getting married, staying married, and cheating that were real eye-openers. Her advice for cheaters and singles dating cheaters is fabulous. However, I was disappointed that her discussion of cheating by WOMEN was essentially limited to saying 'he or she' in any given sentence. This book was written about married men sleeping with single women. Period. Granted that is probably the most common and complicated form of adultery but what about situations where BOTH affair partners are married or just the woman is married? These possibilities are barely mentioned specifically. There are some very different and frankly, more complicated emotional issues involved when women cheat. The author generalizes too much saying that married women will ditch a husband to trade up for better resources - look at all the uneven marraiges where attractive female breadwinners stay with their beer-bellied, unsuccessful apparent oafs even with no kids! Capable women form motherly attachments to their husbands and when those women have affairs with they generate very complicated feelings about maintaining the status quo at home. Anyway, I expected more from a female author. BUT READ IT ANYWAY, LADIES. IT IS WORTHWILE AND ONLY TAKES A DAY OR 2 TO FINISH.

I purchased this book thinking it was more of a "how to" on having an affair. While it does lay out very definite rules & mechanics of affairs, I felt it did a great job covering the physiology and psychology behind the drive as well. Having fairly recently gone through a breakup of my "affair" this book really helped me see things more objectively. It showed me that while my feelings of "true love" were quite real; they were also based on other physiological, etc. factors in play. And that in all likelihood my leaving my spouse for my lover would not have been a good move since it would likely have not turned out as successfully as I would have thought.

In brief, I enjoyed Ms. Brandt's frank, candid, and non-judgemental discussion of adultery. It's definitely a good read for anyone who is involved with, contemplated, or experienced an affair and would like to get answers or see it for what it really is. It really helped me to accept the realities and move on.

I read this book because I was curious, wanted to pick apart her arguments, and also pride myself on being able to expose myself to other viewpoints occasionally. I'll begin by saying that my Christian principles and other core beliefs would still prevent me from seeking out an affair. That being said, this book has helped me better understand, and perhaps be tolerant of, those who do make the choice. It's similar to abortion--I've been pro-life for 25 years and will never change, but my attitudes towards pro-choicers have softened somewhat over the years.

Some of her insights were refreshing to me as a middle-aged single woman--for example that there really aren't enough available men out there for all the available women. Period. So the Harvard study was right after all. Single women have always sort of known these things in their bones, yet most of media and popular culture just tells us to try harder, be less picky, try online dating, blah, blah. She also asserts that singles, single women in particular are devalued in our society. No kidding. She is reminiscent of Tom Leykis in that she makes some pretty politically incorrect assertions that are nevertheless mostly true--for example, that women marry the best man their looks can attract and men marry the best woman that their incomes can afford. So you can see that a lot of mainstream relationship experts and others in the singles industry might have an interest in discouraging people from reading her. She's definitely a pragmatic utilitarian, not a romantic idealist. And in some cases she's a flat-out cynic. But so are some of my best friends. I did find myslef wondering what if any spiritual beliefs she subscribes to--I would guess atheist or agnostic but she doesn't say.

I found the whole evolutionary psychology bit to be annoying - I simply don't buy that I want to cheat on my husband because I'm trying to "trade up" in the gene pool. If that's the case, why am I looking for less attractive partners so that I don't get too involved? I just wanted the rules, not some hair-brained discourse on why monkeys cheat. On the other hand, the rules are very good (and if that's all you want, just start on pg. 121), and they helped me to realize that it would require much trouble and deceit to run around on a guy that I love to death. I'm not going to feel bad about the occasional conference fling, but I'm not going to put any energy into a long time affair. Maybe that was the whole point of the book.

People so often get hooked into affairs thinking they are going to be something special, but most of the time they fizzle out and end up being nothing. What I liked about this book is that the author is very realistic about what you can and cannot expect. People should read this book first before cheating on their spouse. Then at least they are informed. There's a great line in there somewhere about 'making smart choices about your sexuality within marriage.' There are many good reasons to stay faithful and many good reasons to cheat. The writer puts them all out there in a lively way. I'd recommend it.

I am so glad that Ms. Brandt had the guts and the gumption to research and write about such a taboo subject as affairs. I had just come out of a three year relationship when a friend of mine recommended I read the book.

I was shocked at first, but now I'm really glad that I read it. It opened my eyes to the realistic truth behind romantic love and showed me how and why oftentimes relationships just don't work over the long haul. I don't intend to go and have an affair in the future,but hey, if I ever did (or my partner did) now I would understand how and how not to handle it.

Ms. Brandt's witty and clever writing style made it difficult to put the book down. I will definitely get a couple copies of this book to give to friends (both men and women).

I had the opportunity to read this book while on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. I was so totally engrossed in the book that I didn't hear a young infant crying during the flight. The gentleman sitting next to me was amazed that I remained so engaged in the book with all the noise around me. The author's use of clinical, matter-of-fact, and clever humorous prose were very effective at keeping me enthralled in a subject that many might see as taboo. The gentleman asked what I was reading and I told him. His first impressions, one of disbelief and slight embarrassment, were what I would have expected. He politely turned away to focus on something else. However, as I continued to read I noticed that he was constantly eyeing the pages.

I believe that his interest in the book is the same for many who want to know more about spotting or engaging in an extramarital affair but are uncomfortable with the subject. To tell you the truth, that's why I ordered the book online, no prying eyes to judge me. Interestingly, after reading the book and reflecting on what was communicated I can honestly look back over the +20 years of my adult life and say that I've seen much of what was succinctly stated in the book. Believe it or not the book actually provided me with a level of comfort. I had better insight into why we do the things (socially right or wrong) we do when it comes to sexual relationships. I have no interest in participating in an affair. However, having read this book gives me a leg-up on those who do.

I'd just learned about a friend's affair and was feeling quite upset about it when I read this book. The author offers a lot of insight as to why people cheat without making any moral judgements. Her explanations as to the "why" helped me understand my friend's infidelity and made it easier to forgive him. I'm sure lots of people will read this book to help them cheat without getting caught, (she makes it clear why some people will always stray, so don't make it worse by having your spouse and friends find out about it) but I'd also recommend this to anyone whose lover has been unfaithful, especially if you want to try to repair the relationship.