Customer Reviews

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

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Congratulations for writing a book on this subject. You may save some lives. I work for a voluntary organisation in the UK called ManKind that helps male victims of domestic violence, as until we set up this chairty last year there was nowhere for abused men to turn. Some of the other reviews here show a major problem we have: wherever we go to try for funding or even charity status we seem to meet people who say: no, abused men don't exist, or that if they do they ask for it, or they enjoy it (when I have received a phone call from a man in tears who has just been stabbed in the arm and thrown out of his (their) home with his (their) two children, I can't believe that people can make this claim), or they should be able to look after themselves. What matters is that being abused, verbally or physically, by someone who you love or who you are in a relationship with, is absolutely terrible, about the worst thing that will happen to anyone unfortunate to experience it. I know because it happened to me last year, out of the blue, but it trapped me and took me to the edge of a cliff. This abusive relationship (I'm 6ft andover 12stone, she's 5ft 4in and 8 stone) left me with more than 100 bruises and cuts, three bust ribs and mental scars that will take years to heal. NEVER ONCE DID I HOLD HER, THREATEN HER OR HIT HER BACK. I believe she is very unwell and was, as is often the case in abusive relationships, hitting someone else (in her mind) when she hit me. Incidentally, ManKind chairty has started to help female abusers as there is nowhere they can turn in the UK either - further evidence that this problem has just been ignored until now. Now if you still believe that men are making up this problem, does that mean the many calls I've had from women who regret and can't understand verbally abusing and physically beating their male partners are just made up too? Abusive violence in all its terrible forms degrades, harms, creates a cycle of violence, and kills - and WE SHOULD ALL WORK TOGETHER TO STOP IT. By helping fill a gap and make people aware that men are battered too (and it's usually the caring type of men who fall into being abused as they stay around hoping they can help) and need help and helping them, and that female abusers need help too, certainly the charity I work for is in no way meaning to take any resources or energy or attention from groups helping abused women or abusive men. I would ask those who feel this way to think about a man (that is; a son, a husband, a friend, a colleague, a daddy, a human being) who has lost sense of himself, is being controlled and used by another human being to project their bad feelings onto, and is feeling suicidal (I have heard of men who have committed suicide over the abuse they have been given, made worse by the fact that they were not aware that this does happen, thus increasing their sense of isolation and "wimpishness"), and put their energies to helping to bring harmony where there is harm, light where there is darkness, love where there is hate, and hope where there is despair.

Philip Cook's Abused Men  is well conceived, well documented, and well written; it is an excellent source book for both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence as well as for  police officers, community leaders, health care providers, family therapists, crisis-line workers, and other helping professionals. Another positive aspect of this book is Cook's  ability to make research findings on male abuse and its consequences accessible and understandable for readers new to the field of domestic violence. The book can serve as an eye opener about the factions, disagreements, and controversy that are part of the issue of domestic violence.

Eugen Lupri, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus of Sociology
The University of Calgary
Calgary, Alberta
Canada

If the woman in your life is out to get you, you must read this book. It is extremely helpful and the only book I know of exclusively on the subject of husband/boyfriend battering by women. The statistics in this book are surprising and the stories of the abused men in this book are its strongest point. This is really a breakthrough book.

First, let me say that this book is perhaps one of the most important books you will ever read. Not just because of the implications to public policy, but because a male friend or relative you know may be abused and you're not aware of it. It's a huge problem, as the author argues.

Regarding the statistics, one reviewer wrote "The information that half of abuse is by women is a deliberate misreading of research that was done that did not distinguish between types, severity, and lethality of behaviors, nor offensive or defensive."

What this reviewer is ignoring is the fact that Mr. Cook is quoting the exact same source that battered women's advocates quote. The next time you hear someone say "A woman is battered every X seconds...", be aware that they are not actually quoting the FBI or the DOJ, what they are quoting is the Family Research Laboratory, which is where that number originated. What they've done is left out the other half of the statistic. (Probably because it's not politically convenient for them to quote the whole thing.)

"Ah, but it doesn't distinguish between types, severity, and lethality of behaviors, nor offensive or defensive!" What they again fail to mention is that that also applies to the "female" half of the statistic. To say that a woman is battered every X number of seconds without examining whether or not it was done in self defense, whether or not it was "mild" abuse, whether or not it resulted in death, is rather dishonest if you're going to insist on applying that strict analysis to the "male" half of the statistic. Apply it to both, or don't.

In other words, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

What they are essentially saying is "It's not abuse when it happens to a man." That, my friends, is pure BS.

I confronted a battered women's advocate with the actual numbers once during a United Way meeting in which she was trying to raise extra funds for her shelter. After displaying a shocked look on her face (probably because she was caught off-guard), she simply responded "I've never heard those numbers before. It may be that men are unwilling to come forward with their stories of abuse."

And there you have it. If men are unwilling to come forward with their stories of abuse, then the "women make up 95% of DV victims" statistic obviously becomes questionable. If men aren't willing to tell their tales, then the battered women's advocates have no idea that their "95%" number is actually accurate.

Then why do they continue to perpetuate that myth?

Follow the money trail.....

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence. Philip W. Cook.
Westport, Connecticut: Praeger Publications, 1997.

More than twenty years ago, Murray Straus and Richard Gelles
published their first landmark study and Erin Pizzey wrote Prone to
Violence, both documenting the dreadful truth that women and men
commit violence against their spouses with roughly equal frequency
at all levels of severity. And yet today, nearly all Americans
still buy into the media-created myth that domestic violence is
something men almost exclusively do to women.

Philip Cook's badly needed book is the first to comprehensively
focus on men as victims of domestic violence. Cook's achievement
is admirable. Not only does he cover his topic succinctly and
thoroughly, meticulously documenting each step he takes, but he
also delves into a number of pertinent related issues lesser
authors might have missed entirely.

Cook starts with the facts, noting that in about half of all

domestic violence cases, both partners are engaged in mutual
combat. In 25% of the cases, the man is the aggressor, and in the
other quarter of the cases, the woman is the aggressor. Cook
succinctly summarizes differences between male and female patterns
of violence and injury: men tend to use bodily force more and to
injure women more severely when they do so. Men rarely use violent
women's favorite weapons, knives and guns. Multiple injuries are
less common for men but their single injuries caused by weapons
often require medical attention.

Cook always manages to keep his eye on the larger picture,
discussing the disturbing circle of violence often created when
battering is witnessed by children. He ties in men's much greater
chances of being victimized by violent crime in general and also
comments on sentencing discrimination against male criminals. Old
gender stereotypes do us all a great disservice, encouraging a
reflexive blaming of one sex which makes healing more difficult by
obscuring individual circumstances. Cook encourages us to give up
competing to be victims, to resist the suggestion that attempting
to understand a family dynamic in which both men and women
contribute to violence is "blaming the victim" and instead to work
together to end this abomination.

Chapter Two contains a number of real-life stories from battered
men, which help depict the issue into three dimensions. The men's
honesty is astonishing. We learn that often it is not so much fear
of being labeled a "wimp" as a sense of responsibility toward their
family which prevents them from leaving. As men's traditional
supporter role comes to be devalued and diluted, tension may
develop as one party in a partnership comes to see himself or comes
to be seen by his spouse as not bringing much to the partnership.

Cook packs Chapter Three with practical tips including how to
recognize and deal with battering as a man, how to choose a

counselor, how to decide whether to stay at home or leave,
visitation, restraining orders, and finding emotional support.
Cook next discusses societal challenges to understanding this
problem including conspiracies of silence and violence. He
describes in detail the ordeals endured by writers on anti-male
violence such as Gelles and Suzanne Steinmetz, including shootings,
bomb threats, death threats, career threats and actions, and
attempted character assassinations. Other forms of suppression,
while less direct, may be no less insidious. One survey failed to
report its male victimization rates, which became known only after
other researchers obtained the computer tape. Lamentably, it is
still true that virtually no men's shelters exist anywhere in the
country, and almost no hotlines will advise male callers.

Cook concludes with a chapter offering a multi-pronged approach to
reducing all forms of domestic violence. Automatic arrest laws
need to be passed and enforced, particularly on behalf of male
victims. Mutual rather than unilateral restraining orders should
become the norm. Free or low-cost legal representation should be
potentially avaailable to both sides in a domestic dispute.
Deferred sentencing programs should be expanded to involve the
offender in counseling and education. Cook proposes the creation
of a multidisciplinary task force which would include shelters,
police, district attorneys, social service agencies, probation
departments, and the courts. Concerted, standardized data
collection is sorely needed. Domestic relations cases must be
taken out of the adversarial court system and turned over to
mandatory mediation or arbitration. A sex abuse review panel
should be created to root out false accusations and eliminate the
use of "hired gun" psychological experts. Cook somewhat
surprisingly calls for men's shelters only in large urban areas;
his data seem to suggest a broader need for them. Men's crisis
hotlines are urgently needed.

Cook has written a remarkable, invaluable book. As he poignantly
quotes, "Violence, like sex, never occurs in the abstract... Souls
are... saved, or lost, only one at a time."

Society has come a long way, baby, in recognizing WOMEN'S domestic violence but has completely overlooked the plight of abused HUSBANDS. Where are THEIR shelters? Their support groups?

We still have the tendency to blow off abused men as "henpecked husbands" when the reality is far more critical and has already resulted in tragedy. Thank you, Mr. Cook, for bringing this issue into the light of day. Hopefully men will start coming out of the shadows and filing charges against their abusers so that everyone will see what they already know: THEY ARE VICTIMS. Domestic Violence is exactly that, and the victims' sex organs are irrelevant

First I must address several grievous mistake in the review written by Detroit velvet. 1. This individual states that it is wrong to say more men than women are abused. That is grossly incorrect. Sociologists and scientists all over have stated time and again that indeed more men than women are abused. 2. This individual further implies that ALL MEN lie about being abused, while it is true that some men are abusive it is ludicrous to make the blanket statement that all men are abusive, thereby liars when caught claiming victimhood. What utter nonsense!
Detroit velvet is in dire need of a reality check. If the men who are abusive can lie claiming abuse then why is it so impossible to assume that women who claim abuse may in turn be lying and in fact are the abuser?
I have to wonder how many women have physically, and mentally abused their male partners then when the partner left claimed the role of the victim instead.
Men don't tell because they face monumental obstructions by authorities and peers. Mentalities such as 'men love it' or 'you deserved it' or 'you're lying' or 'you're such a whimp, suck it up'.

I was kid and had a girl friend who beat and belittled me then would come back claiming she was sorry and loved me so I took her back, time and again finally I had enough and left. She claimed abuse. I NEVER HIT A WOMAN IN MY LIFE - EVER!
Later I had another girl friend while not a hitter was very verbally abusive, after having enough I left, and then another and another, all angry and some hitters.
Then I met my wife, who was very much a hitter, and extremely emotionally abusive. Again I never raised a hand to her or any woman. After eleven years (and two children) of trying to make it work, hoping she would change, I couldn't take the depression and the abuse any more, I left. I have been in counseling since and trying to break the cycle of picking the SAME WOMAN over and over again.
This book is a real help and acknowledgement to those of us who to varying degrees have lived though abuse. I wish our anti male prejudiced media and society treated this abuse with equal concern and diligence as they do abused women and children.

Just a couple after notes here.
1. With all the press over abuse why is this segment so blatantly ignored?

2. If a man is bitter and prejudiced against women he is a chauvinist pig and a mental and social caveman. What then is a society that views a gender such as men the Detroit velvet and other like this individual, view them? Wow! Talk about hypocrisy!

This book is an incredible resource to those who seek information on the often-ignored issue of abused men. Although a bit redundant at times, this book offers startling evidence of the very real issue facing so many men these days....physical abuse by women. With statistics such as "...while 1.8 million American women are severely assaulted by their mates each year, few know that....2 million men are also assaulted at home" it is an eye-opening review of this issue. If you are being hurt, or have been hurt...or if you know someone struggling with issues of male assault by women....this is a must buy.

No one has ever denied that some women are the victims of domestic violence. What is troubling though, is the belief that if a man reports he is the victim of domestic violence, that it is considered to be "backlash".

Sure, some acts of violence toward men are in the name of self-defense...but don't be mistaken. The vast majority of attacks on men by women are unprovoked. Documented statistics by the FBI, the Department of Health and Human Services, and local police departments across the country prove, in no uncertain terms, that women stalk, hit, stab, shoot, and verbally abuse men for a very simple reason--because they think they can get away with it because they are women.

Fortunately, police are becoming better trained to recognize these cowardly women who victimize men. It is a silent grief that men suffer when they are forced to cower in shame that they are somehow weak if they report what these women are doing.

Make no mistake: physical or verbal abuse, whether it is directed toward a woman, or a man, is wrong.

Author Phil Cook does and excellent job of documenting and presenting a logical case that Abused Men (and fathers and their children) by women is very real, large as life, often denied and usually very "hidden" - the proverbial elephant in your back yard. If you ignore and deny it, it won't matter, or "doesn't exist."

An extra pat on the back for the author on making his case for abused men while not discounting the seriousness of domestic violence (DV) against women, and without exaggerating the real amount of violence on either side. It would be fool-hardy to do the opposite, as many authors do, exposing their ignorance, bias, prejudice and even their own abusiveness to the victims of these sensitive issues, where revictimization often comes at the hands of "well-meaning" authors and officials. Though this book is 8 years old it is still very applicable today, as is the excellent and fairly well balanced 25 year old book, "Behind Closed Doors, Domestic Violence in the American Family," quoted by the author.

Had "Abused Men" been written today more could have been included to support the fact that male victims are beyond all doubt no less commonly (and severely) victimized as female victims, despite mis-drawn but often quoted conclusions from some not-so-balanced studies. Examples: The Department of Justice (DOJ) stats which the author quotes from the early 90's have since risen dramatically for male victims, as the eyes of some victim advocates are just starting to open. DOJ stats now concede that men comprise about 35% to 40% of all DV victims (a far shot from the then 8-15%), but closing the reality gap bit by bit. Most balanced and extensive studies reveal that younger women are up to twice as violent as younger men. Yes, this is the college- age crowd, from which come the very women who scream the loudest, but only about violence against women. Since publication of "Abused Men" even reluctant DHHS (Dept of Health and Human Svcs - along with Div of Child and Family Svcs/Child Protective Svcs) compiled stats showing that most DV against children is by biological moms (62%) while just 25% is by biological dads. One official from DHHS confirmed the validity of this report but wanted to explain that it was due to moms spending more time with the kids, and that most of it was from single moms who get little support from the absent fathers and are stressed out... So fathers really are important in decreasing child abuse and neglect, according this contradictory social worker who had earlier discounted the importance of fathers and showed her disdain for fathers (abuser suspects in her book) and belief that mothers were superior and the best single alternative for children... I asked her if her office didn't back the anti-DV mantra, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!" used by women's shelters and women's support agencies and groups her office associated with (Was she excusing, justifying abuse by women?). My observations were met with passive-aggressive rage. Studies now show that women as a whole gender are more often aggressive initiators, initiating about 62% of all physical DV, including events where the woman gets the worst of it in the end. A hospital ER study conducted in 2004 (inspired by another biased study that only questioned women...) revealed that the men (given the same questions as a women-only study) had received more injuries of a serious nature from their female intimates than the other way around. The list goes on...

As the author and others he quotes wisely point out, the reason police, DOJ and hospital reports of abused men is climbing (but not up to par yet) is not that women are becoming more and more violent, but only that violence BY women was ignored more in the past. Men are still told by many ER doctors that getting beat up is his own fault, while proper reports are not filed and police are not notified. What happened to their mantra they tell female victims in the same ER, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!"? This is why the male ER study was very different than most ER stats on DV against men vs DV against women - the male patients in the study were actually allowed input which was reported on rather than the bias of doctors and nurses being the only report heard. Perhaps male doctors, police, judges etc are the most critical of male victims for daring to break the silence and not "take it like a man," thus another reason male victims often stay silent, except in balanced studies. You speak up, you get revictimized.

Thanks, Phil Cook, for showing that proper studies can be presented in a balanced way.