Chapter 1
It seems like OH-MY-GOD-liness would probably be a more accurate statement. After all, cleaning brings us into a world filled with ungodly and varying amounts of dust, dirt, and doo-doo. Surely not the world we dreamed of when we imagined life as an adult. But facts are facts and cleaning is one of the main tasks of our accidental housewifely life. So how do we balance preaccidental hopes and dreams with our current reality? By having the right tools at hand and knowing how to maximize their results with the minimum amount of effort. These tools include everything from common household stuff you probably never dreamed could be used for cleaning, to a huge array of disposable products, to robotic help and help that lives and breathes, whom I lovingly refer to as D.A.s—Domestic Assistants. It is a combination of these tools, some simple know-how, and the right music that will make this ungodly task easier and enable you to preserve your sanity, your shape, your hair, and your hands. So in the words of one of my favorite singing groups, The Black-Eyed Peas, “Let’s Get It Started”!
THE ACCIDENTAL HOUSEWIFE’S CLEANING BASICS
Man is made for something better than disturbing dirt.
—Oscar Wilde
As you may have guessed, I’m not going to bog you down with the traditional list of household cleaning must-haves and tips that nonaccidental cleaning gurus can give you unless they complement our way of doing things. What I am going to do is share some useful shortcuts and stuff that I have found will make your home look clean enough to keep health inspectors away and enable you to pass the white-glove test—so long as you clean before company arrives!
Numero Uno Cleaning Rule:
Focus First on High-Traffic, High-Visibility Areas
As you ponder this rule, there are three things to keep in mind:
1.This is The Cosmetic Clean, which will achieve an acceptable, surface-clean home.
2.This is not The Big Clean, which you or someone else will have to do sometime this century.
3.What The Cosmetic Clean definition of high-traffic, high-visibility areas is: High-traffic, high-visibility areas generally include bathrooms, kitchens, and major living spaces that you use most often and are likely to be seen by visitors. They do not include your bedroom, which, if your life is as fatiguing as mine, sadly sees little activity other than side-to-side tossing and turning. For those of you who are more active, such as newlyweds, newly involved, or oversexed individuals, you can easily do The Cosmetic Clean in your bedroom by turning your covers down daily, fluffing your pillows, spraying your room with air freshener regularly, throwing your laundry under your bed or in a laundry basket, and washing your sheets at least once a week.
As for your attention to non-high-traffic, high-visibility areas—that will depend upon your comfort level with dirt and the number of people living in your household. The good news is that The Cosmetic Clean can keep your home decent for a week or two, though bathrooms should be done weekly. The not-so-good news is eventually you or someone else will need to do The Big Clean. That is not what this chapter will teach you, but perhaps why God invented cleaning ladies, cleaning services, and the D.A.—Hmmm, maybe that’s what’s meant by “cleanliness is next to godliness”?
The Stuff You’re Gonna Need
I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
—roseanne barr
Let’s be honest . . . our species is not about to get on our hands and knees to clean floors nor roll up our sleeves and blissfully submerge our hands where men’s, women’s and children’s poop has gone before. So what follows are two lists specifically created for The Cosmetic Clean. The first list contains Stuff You May Already Have. The second list itemizes Stuff You Might Have to Buy. You’ll notice that a key word on the second list is “disposables.” That means you can use them and throw them away or plug them in for a fresh clean scent, which makes cleaning a lot more mindless and easy to do. And brands like Clorox, Mr. Clean, Pledge, Lysol, Windex, Fantastic, and Febreze have realized their appeal, so you’ll be able to find whatever product you need and the scent you like. Plus, lots of the major supermarket and mass chains now sell their own line of disposable products and buying theirs may save you a few dinero.
As for the Stuff You May Already Have—get ready to indulge in some fun and unusual uses that your mother never dreamed would make faucets glow, showers shine, and dust disappear.
FYI: The Cosmetic Clean Shopping List is available in a downloadable version on my website www.theaccidentalhousewife.com. Shortened lists based on what follows also accompany the sections for cleaning the bathroom and the rest of the house to help you know what to use for what and limit lugging around that which you don’t need!
The Cosmetic Clean Shopping List
Stuff You May Already Have
•Toothpaste
•Alka-Seltzer
•Shaving cream
•Socks
•Fuzzy slippers (closed backs)
•Plastic wrap
•Newspaper
•Loofah gloves
•White wine
•Music
•Scented candles
Stuff You Might Have to Buy
•An array of disposables
•Dust cloths or sheets
•Disinfectant multipurpose, multisurface cleaning wipes
•Toilet brush scrubber with throwaway pads (such as Clorox Toilet Wand, Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush or Scotch Brite Toilet Bowl Scrubbers)
•Mops and carpet cleaners with throwaway cleaning sheets and/or spray cleaner attached (such as Swiffer Sweeper, Carpet Flick and Wet Jet, or Clorox Ready Mop)
•Baby wipes
•Cordless stick vacuum
•Paper towels
•Loofah gloves
•White wine
•Music
•Disinfectant air fresheners, scent systems, scented plug-ins
Stuff You Must Buy and Why
The guy with the rubber gloves was surprisingly gentle.
—ace ventura, pet detective
Classic and Cool Tools
As homage to our ancestral species, the 1950s’ housewife, and our species, desire to maintain our hands and refrain from overworking, every accidental housewife needs to own these two classic cleaning tools:
1.rubber gloves: For decades they’ve been a housewife’s hands’ best friend and they can easily be found in your local supermarket’s cleaning products aisle. And, as with most things nowadays, fashion has joined function so you can be styling while you’re shining. Diamonds, fur, polka dots, pearls, Pucci, or basic black—there’s a pair of rubber gloves that’s just right for you! Check out some at: www.royalaccessories.com. My personal picks are the pink ones with black-and-white polka dots and pearls.
2.feather duster: Feather dusters are a timeless and time-tested cleaning tool. They’re easy to use, they’re a perfect cosmetic cleaning companion, and they make you feel a bit magical. The true experts recommend ostrich feathers over chicken or synthetic since they believe they hold on to the dust better. Other experts question whether the dust is gone or has simply flown off to a new locale. Then, there is the accidental question: Do we even care?
Smart Tools
This has a few meanings. The first is being smart about buying tools that will help you do any of your cleaning tasks easily and with little toll on your body. These smart tools include all the disposable wipes, sprays, brushes, mops, scents, and so on. They also include lightweight stick vacuums that can be easily carried about and stored for The Cosmetic Clean. For those who are interested in buying a larger, all-purpose vacuum or are in need of one for The Big Clean, you should check out The Accidental Housewife’s Buyer’s Guide to Vacuums on page 11.
The other meaning of smart relates to tools that are actually called “smart” or “intelligent.” These are robotic helpers that require you to push a button or two to use them. Then you can sit back, watch the tool work for you, or take a snooze. There are many models out there and you’ll want to try to determine which best suits your needs and your wallet. Two to consider are the pocketbook-friendly and expensive IRobot Roomba series (www.irobot.com) and the more sophisticated Electrolux Trilobite (www.electrolux.com). And, coming soon to a McMansion near you, is the future-friendly and pricey humanoid variety: NUVO (www.nuvo.jp). Its creators boast that it walks, talks, takes pictures, and will laugh at your jokes whether they’re funny or not. But can it do windows is my question. When it can do that and make my favorite cup of coffee it will be a truly smart tool.
Portable Schlep Vehicle
Our goal is to make cleaning convenient, brainless, and schlep-free. So in addition to the rubber gloves, feather duster, and portable stick vacuum you should buy at least two easy-to-transport “schlep vehicles” that can hold your main cleaning stuff. These should be stored fully stocked near your high-traffic, high-visibility areas. Consider colorful buckets or baskets with comfy handles, a tool belt, a caddie (as in tool, not golf!), a mini wagon, or whatever “schlep vehicle” works best for you. Some convenient p...
