Customer Reviews

Accidentally on Purpose: A One-Night Stand, My Unplanned Parenthood, and Loving the Best Mistake I Ever Made

5 star:		(20)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Though I really enjoyed this book for a variety of reasons, it concerns me that Pols was so ruthless and revealing about her relationship with her son's father. Although she certainly does not paint herself as the perfect mate or parent, she is not gracious about her son's father's (perceived) failings. I just thought it brutal, and more than a little indecorous to go into such detail about their sexual behavior and how he doesn't measure up in so many ways. How unkind a picture to bequeath her son! I think the rationale that it is for "art's sake" is thin, and symptomatic of our boundry-less popular culture. Sure, Pols is honest about her own warts, but that doesn't mitigate the cruel overexposure she has subjected her son and his father to.

That said, it is often funny and definitely a page-turner.

SPOILERS: Mary F. Pols's memoir starts out with a one-night stand, but winds up being as much a meditation on her family of origin as the one she creates with a most unlikely mate. At 39, she has wanted a child, but hasn't done much to move that process along. When she finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, she doesn't question keeping the baby, but does question who she wound up procreating with: Matt, an unemployed guy ten years her junior with roommates, a messy apartment, and little ambition. Though she's hot for him and continues to be throughout her pregnancy, reconciling his role in her life is something that doesn't stop even after she gives birth to her son Dolan (a family name).

Pols's pregnancy and birth story are the backbone of this book, but equally as important is her large family, which is in flux as each of her parents go on the decline as her pregnancy progresses. Pols weaves in memories of her parents as well as her sense that she is not living up to what they'd expected of her. But what Pols learns again and again is not to underestimate those around her, whether it's her father's acceptance of her unwed and single state (and of Matt as the father of his grandson) as well as Matt's ability to rise up to his role as father.

When Pols finds out Matt had been cheating on her toward the end of her pregnancy, it's one of the rawest parts of the book, one where both people seem "right" as well as "wrong." Pols is understandably angry ("'Was this mercy f---ing?" I asked. "Taking care of the pregnant woman's needs? You felt nothing at all?'") but it's clear that Matt has been upfront with her from the start. Their tumultuous push-pull relationship is a struggle especially once they become parents.

Does this book have a happy ending? Yes, and no. In fact, the latter chapters, dealing with the deaths of Pols's parents, are intense, and (sorry to spoil it) but there is no wedding or a traditional happily ever after. But I think the lesson of the book is that one's vision of "Happily Ever After" cannot stay fixed in stone, especially when it comes to childrearing. Pols was forced to rearrange and update and transform her vision, to embrace both her child's father and the people she lost even as she gained her son. "He makes me so happy I can hardly stand it," Pols writes of her son, after he's snuggled up to her and said, "I'm petting you." That's not to say that Pols started out bitter and cynical and wound up smiling and maternal, but rather the potential to love so unconditionally was brought out by her dealings with Matt and feelings for her son, and reflected back at her in the ways she and her siblings coped with her parents' deaths.

Pols also speaks to the gap she felt between her peers who were already mothers and the path she chose as a movie critic. Her abortion at 21 left her feeling that "I'd failed as a daughter and I'd failed as the mother of the child I could have had."

Ultimately, Pols speaks to a story greater than her own. Through her co-parenting arrangement, she is remaking what we mean when we think of the "single mother," while being honest about the challenges as well as positives of such a setup. She gives hope to those who either never really thought about having kids, or couldn't seem to get it together to do so, and while she's not urging her readers to go off and get knocked up in a one-night stands, this isn't just a "make lemonade out of lemons" endurance. The central question of the book's title can never truly be answered, and perhaps a little of each are what made for the "best mistake" of Pols's life.

Mary Pols is getting older and her life has not quite turned out the way she would have liked. She is way too close to 40, her love life is a bit of a problem and she is not quite sure where to go from there.

Yet, one night, fate intervenes - while having a one night stand - she accidentally gets pregnant.

From that point on, life is never quite the same -and that is just fine with the author!

This absolutely funny, endearing and somewhat romantic (if at times frustrating) memoir shows us that being a single mom is the hardest job you will ever do, but also the most rewarding. We follow Mary through her many, many ups and downs and we can almost physically see the learning curve she is on (what a ride).

Into the mix, of course, is the man who fathered her child - who, at times, seems to bring out Mary's maternal instincts even more.

Follow the journey as Mary tries to figure out which her the two men in her life is the biggest baby!!!!

I loved this memoir - I am hoping Mary will write a follow up so that we can find out the next chapter in everyone's life!!!

Her ticking biological clock is the point of departure for Mary F. Pols's tasty new memoir. Just shy of her fortieth birthday, Pols lives in the San Francisco Bay Area where she has a circle of loyal friends and an interesting but unlucrative job as a film critic. What she doesn't have is a steady guy--and the prospect of marriage and children. Coming from a large, close-knit family, Pols is in near-panic mode.

The book's title and cover (the latter features a woman downing a cocktail and a toddler holding his bottle) give away a good deal of the plot--but not all of it. Pols's one-night stand with a nice guy she meets in a bar propels her into pregnancy and motherhood. It also marks the beginning of a tricky relationship with her baby's father who, though young and broke, wants to be part of his son's life.

While learning to balance the demands of being a mother, co-parent, and breadwinner, Pols must confront the decline of her beloved aging parents, who live on the Maine coast. As another biological clock ticks away, Pols and her siblings embark on the bittersweet coming-of-age task of ushering their parents from this world

Accidentally on Purpose is a family chronicle, full of insights and surprises. In the telling, Pols is feisty, tender, despairing, exuberant. And stunningly honest. Read this book!

My path crosssed Author Mary Pols' several years ago when she responded to an email I sent her critical of a movie review she wrote in Contra Costa Times. Her response was unusual in its tone and arrogance. This incident was the catalyst for me to purchase "Accidentally On Purpose." I wanted to learn more about the person behind the byline. And learn I did.

Pols, a native of Maine, and the youngest of six, tells a compelling story of a woman who enters adult life with a "promise to never cater to a man's ego." She felt strongly that she had "to stand up for my voice as a woman with just as much right to make decisions as a man." Two critical and early male relationships added fuel to the fire. One taught her an important lesson on her "willingness, or lack of it, to compromise in order to be with a man to have a family." She came to realize that she was not capable of that. In the second and more important relationship, her boyfriend split telling her she was not "challenging." After this, she began "to wonder about herself romantically. Was there something wrong with her? Something missing? Something great guys needed in a partner?"

As time passed, no one could understand why she was still single. In her own words, she may have been too needy as she was "susceptible (sexually) to guys who wanted her right away. In male lingo, she was easy. And her bedding criteria was not discerning - she liked "sleeping with beautiful young guys with a big wide ass." Unfortunately, however, Pols had a dilemma in that her mother who "passed on the seeds that would someday become her profession...also passed on the craving for family." She also noted that very few of her friends in her social circle "who were moms were also high achievers in the working world. Conversely, the high achievers she knew were mostly single, childless, and DEPRESSED about it."

So where does all this take the reader? Pols, with great humor and honesty, tells her story from age 39 when, after a one-night stand, gets pregnant. Realizing this may be her only chance to have a child, she plunges ahead. Along the way, through the Odd Couple relationship with the baby's father; the pregnancy and birth of son, Dolan; taking on the responsibility of being a working single parent; and the death of her parents (she includes very poignant stories on the lives and deaths of both parents), Pols learns about her inner self, and becomes less of an "alpha bitch" and develops a sense of compassion. By eliminating demons, Pols begins a transformation making herself more available to family and life. And now wants to leave a legacy of love on this earth as true and as deep as the one her parents left.

Pols is a gifted writer. Her response to my email years ago will no longer serve as a catalyst to buy her second book. Rather, the excellence of this work will be the catalyst.

I happened across this book in the library and picked it up because the title sounded interesting. I am a habitual re-reader of books I love and am harsh on starting new books due to limited time. That being said, I found Accidentally on Purpose to be a book I couldn't put down. I felt like the author was talking to me as one of my friends might talk to me telling me a story of what had happened to her. This is a wonderful story of two normal, imperfect people doing the right thing in their own way. I found the story of Matt and Mary sticking it out with each other and working through their own issues to meet their goal of parenting Dolan to be really inspiring. I'm making an effort to tell everyone I know to read the book- it's such a delight to find such a good book purely by chance. Hope to see more work by the author in the future.

Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World

I stayed up way past my bedtime to read this book, about 39-year-old movie critic Mary Pols, who knew she wanted to have a baby. But never--not in a million years--on her own.

Then, there's this one-night stand with an adorable but jobless guy ten years her junior... After taking a home pregnancy test, Mary worries everything: how she'll break the news to her friends and family (five siblings and an 84-year-old Catholic father), how she'll afford single motherhood, how she'll do everything on her own, and how she might co-parent with a man (Matt) whom she barely knows.

I love how Mary defines family in her memoir, and how she honestly looks at herself between the lines. I really related to her angst, late nights, and worries about the future. Simply beautiful writing.

Company Towns of the Pacific Northwest

What I expected was the story of a professional woman managing unexpected parenthood. What I found was a story of relationships that almost all of us can learn from---the reality of being single and unwillingly celibate, how Mary related to her parents, both in youth and now as they aged, her delight in her son, and most of all, the surprise of that young man in the one-night stand. How often do we hear of an "unwed father" who WANTS to co-parent---who lets a one-night stand turn his life upside down? Like so many of us, married or not, Mary has to learn that she cannot manage all parts of her "co-parent's" life, and she has to accept him and have faith that he too is a good parent. As she says, both she and the child's father love him equally, and thus they deserve to be loved equally by the child. They are different from each other, neither better than the other---something that "typical" families sometimes have difficulty with. Her relationships with the child's paternal grandparents (two sets) are not detailed, but they are a reminder of the effort involved in bridging between parents and extended family. What is also impressive is how Mary and Matt appear to have become good partners in this co-parenting despite not having any other current relationship, and how they make decisions about each other based on what they want for their son. I had the pleasure of hearing Mary speak when she was in Seattle and she talks almost exactly as she writes, candid and natural. No baby pictures in the book, but some on her web site. Absolutely loved the book.

This tale of passage from perpetual single gal to single mother changes the author immensely in so many ways, and it's truly a tale of our times. An unplugged version of what happens when a dream comes true, it also is so revealing about this woman's inner growth and boundless love for the people around her, even if it doesn't always seem that way. With such beautiful language, all life events -- the beginning of life or the end of it -- come through utterly human and beautiful. Thank you for the ride Mary!

This is book for our times. Our generation has had remarkable freedom to make choices about our lives. There's been no set time when we were expected to get married, buy a house, settle down, have children . . . But this has also given us the illusion that we are more in control than we actually are. Pols reminds us that life is its own force and it is often the times when we are overwhelmed or out of control that are the most joyful moments of living.