In Hilary Flower’s second book, ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE, she allows the reader to explore goals of gentle discipline, rewards for both child and parent, and what it looks like in action. Hilary debunks myths about the effectiveness of gentle discipline methods while empowering parents to find ways to make gentle discipline work for both themselves and their children. With creativity, courage, and commitment, each parent and child can develop their own unique way of engaging in gentle discipline. Gentle discipline is not a far off standard for us to meet but an imperfect, lively and richly meaningful way of communicating with our children. Although experts can offer theories, this book proves that parents themselves have a great deal to offer other parents in regard to this incredibly worthwhile—and revolutionary!—way of guiding young children. Line drawings capture small scenes from the journey of parenting and personal stories from a variety of mothers show creative adaptations of gentle discipline methods in different families.
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Book Description
Editorial Reviews
Review
In this important book, you will find many ideas and strategies for raising happy, well-behaved children using gentle discipline. --Katie Allison Granju, Author of Attachment Parenting, July 1, 2005
About the Author
Hilary Flower lives in Florida with her husband, Ben, and their children, Nora Jade (7), Miles (4) and Ramsay (5 months). She holds a B.A. in English from the University of Virginia and an M.A. in Geological Sciences from the University of California, Santa Barbara. Her writing has appeared in many magazines, including Mothering Magazine, Salon.com, and Brain, Child. Hilary Flower is also the author of the LLLI book, ADVENTURES IN TANDEM NURSING.
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52 of 52 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
In writing Adventures in Gentle Discipline, author Hilary Flower says she hoped to write the book that she felt was missing from the vast array of parenting advice already lining bookstore shelves. She has succeeded in writing that missing book, one that allows parents to "honor [their] own expertise, feel less alone, craft a livable discipline plan, and work with [their] own personal trouble spots." Unlike books that insist upon a strict regime of parent-centered scheduling and punishments, but also unlike compassionate but vague suggestions that if we just love our kids enough, discipline won't be an issue, Adventures in Gentle Discipline offers a practical, experience-based guide to compassionate parenting that is both realistic and useful.
As in Flower's last book, Adventures in Tandem Nursing, her scientific background shines through in her ability to clearly organize and lay out information in a way that is accessible yet not dumbed-down. The first part of the book explains why and how the book was written, a process that involved corresponding with around 200 parents about their families' problems, practices, and solutions regarding gentle discipline. As a result, the tone of the book is "parent-to-parent," rather than the "I'm the expert, you know nothing!" tone found in so many parenting books. In reviewing the foundations of and motivation for gentle discipline and compassionate parenting, Flower gives readers a chance to reaffirm their own beliefs and renew their commitment to respect their own needs, as well as those of their children.
Flower also takes the time to do a little myth busting, explaining the difference between permissive parenting and gentle discipline, as well as how punishment does not really equal discipline. She reminds us that the goal of discipline and effective parenting is a child who is ultimately self disciplined, and that this requires giving children some space to experiment and make mistakes. She also devotes considerable space to pre-emptive discipline--in other words, avoiding common pitfallas and limiting certain no-win situations, such as taking a tired, hungry toddler to go, well, anywhere. In one of the many quotes and testimonials from real parents, one woman shares her practice of checking "HALT," or Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If her child was acting out of sorts, or if she knew they would soon be entering into a potentially trying situation, those were the first things she checked for.
A few of the many other areas discussed are how to engage children in meaningful ways rather than offering constant (over)stimulation and entertainment, giving toddlers the language to express their emotions in more constructive ways, respecting the importance of play, and giving children who need a physical outlet acceptible options. On the flip side, Flower devotes considerable space to the needs of parents. She acknowledges the reality of parental anger and frustration, as well as the difficulty of letting go of old ideas about how children should behave and what parents are "supposed" to do to make that behavior happen. The tone is consistently empathetic and pragmatic, which makes it easy for the reader to honestly review his or her own parenting habits without feeling defensive or judged. Adventures in Gentle Discipline is an invaluable resource for parents trying to place compassion and respect at the center of their parenting.
As in Flower's last book, Adventures in Tandem Nursing, her scientific background shines through in her ability to clearly organize and lay out information in a way that is accessible yet not dumbed-down. The first part of the book explains why and how the book was written, a process that involved corresponding with around 200 parents about their families' problems, practices, and solutions regarding gentle discipline. As a result, the tone of the book is "parent-to-parent," rather than the "I'm the expert, you know nothing!" tone found in so many parenting books. In reviewing the foundations of and motivation for gentle discipline and compassionate parenting, Flower gives readers a chance to reaffirm their own beliefs and renew their commitment to respect their own needs, as well as those of their children.
Flower also takes the time to do a little myth busting, explaining the difference between permissive parenting and gentle discipline, as well as how punishment does not really equal discipline. She reminds us that the goal of discipline and effective parenting is a child who is ultimately self disciplined, and that this requires giving children some space to experiment and make mistakes. She also devotes considerable space to pre-emptive discipline--in other words, avoiding common pitfallas and limiting certain no-win situations, such as taking a tired, hungry toddler to go, well, anywhere. In one of the many quotes and testimonials from real parents, one woman shares her practice of checking "HALT," or Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If her child was acting out of sorts, or if she knew they would soon be entering into a potentially trying situation, those were the first things she checked for.
A few of the many other areas discussed are how to engage children in meaningful ways rather than offering constant (over)stimulation and entertainment, giving toddlers the language to express their emotions in more constructive ways, respecting the importance of play, and giving children who need a physical outlet acceptible options. On the flip side, Flower devotes considerable space to the needs of parents. She acknowledges the reality of parental anger and frustration, as well as the difficulty of letting go of old ideas about how children should behave and what parents are "supposed" to do to make that behavior happen. The tone is consistently empathetic and pragmatic, which makes it easy for the reader to honestly review his or her own parenting habits without feeling defensive or judged. Adventures in Gentle Discipline is an invaluable resource for parents trying to place compassion and respect at the center of their parenting.
28 of 28 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
From my review at Hylands Homeopathy, Rx:Chat Motherhood (www.hylands.com/forums/): Sometimes it's easier to focus on the parts of parenting that don't work, the times that are hard and frustrating. In contrast, I've been enjoying reading Hilary Flower's book "Adventures in Gentle Discipline." It's subtitled "A Parent-to-Parent Guide," and one thing I love is that it's filled with stories and statements by real and actual moms. Sure, some of them come off as too saintly for me, the type of mom who never raises her voice, who unlike me never gets frustrated or impatient. But that's a small percentage, and balanced by personal essays near the end that are exruciatingly honest, whether about being raised with very strict discipline and threats of violence, or another by a mom who confesses hitting her child, even though she doesn't believe that anyone should ever hit their child.
I've liked opening the book to random pages and reading sentences like "There will always be someone to tell you that you are being too strict, and someone else to say that you are being too lenient." Don't we all need to hear reassurances like this along the way? The book is so down to earth, so understanding that as parents doing our best we try hard, but, as Flower writes, "No matter how proactive you are, you can count on parenting, childhood, and life in general to be messy anway."
Since I tend to be the kind of parent who gets frustrated and says things like "If you do that one more time you will never ever eat dinner at my table again," it's helpful to be reminded that fanciful ultimata like this just don't work (though they may feel good for the moment before my daughter keeps on rocking the chair on two legs, or smashing ranch dressing into the placemat, or whining, or whatever else she's been doing to drive me crazy). Flower reminds us to empathize, be gentle, and to extend the benefit of the doubt, but within a framework that still wants kids to behave and to listen to us. The many stories give us lots of possibilities to try.And what is gentle discipline? "Gentle Discipline means, quite simply, placing empathy and respect at the very center of your parenting." It may not be that different from what many of us do. However, I appreciate the chance to be reminded of my ideals, and to be supported as a parent by an author and book that itself is kind and unscolding, that is, a book that places empathy and respect at its center.
I've liked opening the book to random pages and reading sentences like "There will always be someone to tell you that you are being too strict, and someone else to say that you are being too lenient." Don't we all need to hear reassurances like this along the way? The book is so down to earth, so understanding that as parents doing our best we try hard, but, as Flower writes, "No matter how proactive you are, you can count on parenting, childhood, and life in general to be messy anway."
Since I tend to be the kind of parent who gets frustrated and says things like "If you do that one more time you will never ever eat dinner at my table again," it's helpful to be reminded that fanciful ultimata like this just don't work (though they may feel good for the moment before my daughter keeps on rocking the chair on two legs, or smashing ranch dressing into the placemat, or whining, or whatever else she's been doing to drive me crazy). Flower reminds us to empathize, be gentle, and to extend the benefit of the doubt, but within a framework that still wants kids to behave and to listen to us. The many stories give us lots of possibilities to try.And what is gentle discipline? "Gentle Discipline means, quite simply, placing empathy and respect at the very center of your parenting." It may not be that different from what many of us do. However, I appreciate the chance to be reminded of my ideals, and to be supported as a parent by an author and book that itself is kind and unscolding, that is, a book that places empathy and respect at its center.
27 of 27 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
As the mother of 3, stepmom of 2, and grandmother of 3, I was most impressed with this book! When I was raising my family, most books contained the seemingly expert opinions of a single person; Flower has compiled wonderful, VARIED advice from dozens of parents. Their ideas depict the wonder, the joys, and the confusion involved in this complex job of raising happy, healthy, capable little people. The personal essays section had some great pieces: "Have Mercy on Yourself", "Not Easy", and "On Losing My Cool" contained so much wisdom! Highly recommended for new parents or seasoned veterans, this book will remind the reader to trust their instincts and be gentle---not just with their kids, but with themselves.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
GREAT BOOK
This book has helped me immensely at a time where I was having trouble moving forward in developmentally appropriate and respectful ways. Read more
Published 3 days ago by kate
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great reminders for key things parents can do to help their child...
This book was really helpful to make me more aware of the most basic things a child needs to be at their best: food, milk/water, a clean bottom, rest and love/positive attention. Read more
Published 4 months ago by ReneeDTW
5.0 out of 5 stars
A phenomenal resource!
This is the book I needed when my first child turned 1. This is the book I REALLY NEEDED when she turned two. Now she is 3. Read more
Published on August 18, 2010 by Robyn DiFalco
5.0 out of 5 stars
So happy to have this book
This book has been my favorite among a stack of parenting books I bought and borrowed. The voices of many different parents is particularly helpful--almost as if I've found a... Read more
Published on July 7, 2010 by Barbara Rousey
5.0 out of 5 stars
A reaffirming, totally practical read
Along with Playful Parenting, this book is my favorite parenting book so far, and I have definitely read a few. Read more
Published on October 26, 2009 by J. Selmer
5.0 out of 5 stars
parenting essential
I LOVE this book's approach. It is: interactive, (suggestions for keeping a notebook, answering questions to help understand your approach to parenting, your reactions, and... Read more
Published on April 2, 2009 by txjanet
2.0 out of 5 stars
Too many words...
The idea is good but too many words and not pratical. I stopped reading it in the middle.
Published on November 3, 2008 by Mother with 3 happy children
4.0 out of 5 stars
Good practical advice from other parents.
This book is basically a collection of tips, stories and insights from parents. The philosophy presented in the book is one of respect for children and their needs and... Read more
Published on June 4, 2008 by N. D. Johns
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Good Guide and Encouragement for Moms
Update: It's been three years since I got this book and wow. I had no idea how many truly bad and self-righteous parenting books there were out there. Read more
Published on April 18, 2008 by Elizabeth
5.0 out of 5 stars
A refreshing change...
...from the typical "how-to" parenting book! The chapters on how to discipline MYSELF were so incredibly helpful; I found those chapters just when I was reaching the end of my rope... Read more
Published on January 30, 2008 by cdr
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