Customer Reviews

Adventures in Holy Matrimony: For Better or the Absolute Worst

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I am not a big fan of Relevant Magazine. In my mind it represents a flavor of Christianity that seeks to appeal to the world by being cool and hip. It's Christianity with frosted hair and all the right labels of clothing. So when I am asked to read a book published by Relevant I am a little bit apprehensive, which I will admit is probably not fair of me. Adventures in Holy Matrimony by Julie Anne Fidler asks the questions, "When happens when the storybook wedding is over? What happens when the white picket fence you dreamed of turns out to be not-so-white and just a little dangerous?" In other words, what happens when real life so rudely interrupts a storybook romance?

Through a book that is a mixture of topical and chronological narrative, Fidler tells the story of her life as it relates to her eventual marriage. It is a story of baggage - emotional, sexual and medical. Few details are spared as the reader learns about the many difficult circumstances she faced when growing up. In some of these, such as the sexual abuse she suffered as a child she was a victim, and in others, such as drinking, partying and sexual activity as as teenager she was a willing participant. Eventually she met a wonderful man and after a whirlwind romance became engaged and married. And then real life began.

Fidler tells about the difficulties they faced as they dealt with all of the baggage she brought to her marriage, the medical problems her husband faced and the financial difficulties they went through as a result. These two went through more trauma in the first few years of their marriage than many will ever go through. And when they were weakest, ready to walk their seperate ways, God intervened and bound them back together.

There is sometimes a fine line between providing information and being something of an exhibitionist. Generally I think Fidler stayed on the right side of that line. The message and purpose of Fidler's book is simple: don't give up and don't give in. If God can save a marriage as messy as her's, He is capable of saving any marriage.

Perhaps the most helpful information in the book comes as Fidler begins to summarize the lessons she and her husband learned from their experiences - lessons she is hoping to pass along to the reader. On page 130 she writes, "It is ... the church's responsibility to shift the focus away from saving doomed marriages to preventing their demise from the moment a man and a woman says, "I do." Indeed the church could benefit from being proactive in saving marriage rather than reactive in saving them once they are already in troubled waters. I would say that churches should begin trying to prevent the demise of marriage from long before "I do" by modelling godly families and by requiring biblical marriage counselling. On the same page the author states her belief that where most people believe sex is the ultimate intimacy, in reality prayer is the ultimate intimacy. I agree entirely.

While the theology Fidler shares is generally quite solid, there was one particular area that gave me concern. One page 125 she writes, "I would also never fault anyone for getting a divorce. Regardless of my personal stance on the issue, it is definitely not the unforgiveable sin." While divorce can be forgiven, it is a very serious offense in God's eyes and needs to be treated as such. The words "my personal stance" seem to smack of a postmodern attitude that relegates morality to a realm of personal values that may or may not be binding on others. God is clear that we may have to fault people for their sin so that the church can reprimand and even discipline them if necessary. What is strange is that the text of the book seemed to contradict this statement. In a book about not giving up, Fidler seems to leave an "out" as if to indicate that this book was merely her opinion and to treat it as such. I suspect she did not mean it in that way, but the statement could give that idea.

I found the book a generally enjoyable, though sometimes uncomfortable read, as I am usually not very interested in the personal details of other people's lives. Yet much of this information was necessary to help others see that God can save any marriage. I suppose I could recommend this book to young couples who are anticipating marriage. It would teach them the value of dealing with baggage of all sorts long before rings are exchanged. It would also provide assurance that with God's help any marriage can not only survive, but can thrive. While Adventures in Holy Matrimony is certainly no substitute for proper pre-marriage, pastoral counselling, it may be a helpful complement to it.

If you were to ask one of Julie Anne Fidler's friends what has defined her young marriage thus far, "chaos" is the likely answer. Julie got the flu on her honeymoon and a week later her groom had emergency double knee surgery. "Frankly, I think this set the tone for several years to come," Julie writes in her book about their matrimonial misadventures.

ADVENTURES IN HOLY MATRIMONY is a unique and welcome addition to the pantheon of marriage literature. In it Fidler recounts the rough and tumble first few years of her marriage to Scott --- a marriage that stood on the brink of divorce and, happily, remains intact. But this is no fairy tale.

"I had these grandiose dreams about marriage, which were not entirely unlike the dreams of any other young woman. I had my entire wedding planned out by the time I was twelve, right down to the flavor of the filling in the cake. (It was raspberry and it was delicious.) Every love song on the radio evoked that first dance...

Sure you can have a beautiful marriage, but it's not all wine and roses. I can't tell you how many people tried to warn us that it wasn't always going to be a dream come true. We just didn't want to listen. Anyone who told us anything other than what we wanted to hear was promptly shut out and dismissed as trying to ruin the great thing we had...

We should have listened.

It turned out that married life was a trial by fire. We went from whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears at the reception to practically wringing each other's necks in the bedroom."

Fidler goes on to explain that her husband's medical condition, essentially super high levels of iron in his blood, began to affect his ability to have sex almost immediately after their wedding. That caused frustration for both of them, physical communication broke down, and other forms of communication quickly followed. Scott got sicker. Jobs were lost. Surgeries were had. Bills piled up. And the newlyweds drifted apart.

On top of these "external" forces pulling them apart, Julie and Scott were also carrying a fair amount of internal baggage in the form of difficult childhoods, different sexual histories and shared sexual missteps, and bipolar disorder. These "internal" forces also worked against the union and Julie shares them all with a refreshing honesty.

ADVENTURES IN HOLY MATRIMONY isn't your typical "rah-rah" book about marriage. It's actually a lot more useful (and hopeful) than most of those books. The problems in the Fidler marriage aren't sanitized or presented in a certain light just so they can be neatly resolved at the end. And because of that, anyone in a less-than-perfect marriage is going to recognize themselves here and take away this message: if Julie and Scott are making it work, my partner and I can too.

That's the hope part. The useful part comes in the form of reflection questions at the end of each chapter and practical advice on things like newlywed finances and what it will really take to patch the holes in troubled relationships.

Julie and Scott's relationship might be atypical to some extent. Perhaps most couples experience a more serene "honeymoon phase." They certainly have dealt with a confluence of very specific ailments. But for those facing rough matrimonial seas (or for those considering marriage), ADVENTURES IN HOLY MATRIMONY is an optimistic, yet frank, friend.

--- Reviewed by Lisa Ann Cockrel

An honest look into marriage. Once you get married...the first 10 years is just getting to know your spouse. Julie is honest and gives people hope in their marriage. I felt like I knew the author so much better after reading her book. Thank you Julie!!!

Its a good read and a 'wow that happened' story, but I felt like it left me a little hanging as to how I could apply the author's experience to mine. I'm not sure if the author has really learned deep down biblical truths, but just shared that if our lives are this messed up, then you can 'make it' with yours too. But why 'make it' if you don't truely overcome and find the fruits of the spirt in the process?

Julie honestly and openly shares her experiences with us and balances it with thought-provoking questions and biblical teaching. Those who have suddenly realized they went into marriage with some false expectations will be enlightened by her down-to-earth view of matrimony.