Customer Reviews

Affair-Proof Your Marriage : Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair

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What's the difference between marriage and living together? Well, let's see: ". . . for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, so long as we both shall live."

Marriage takes relationships out of the realm of consumer services--"I'll stay with you as long as the product meets my liking"--and puts them into the realm of moral commitment. For all her good intentions, Staheli puts marriage back into the realm of consumer services.

I guess therapists just don't understand ethics--everything has to be self-interest. You affair-proof your marriage by making yourself essential to your spouse's self-interest, basically. Good luck, I guess--but what's the point?

The point of marriage, I thought, was that your partner would stick by you in good times and bad--not just when you're boosting their self-esteem.

Speaking of which, Staheli seems not to know the massive, conclusive research literature showing that, in fact, self-esteem does NOT correlate with behavior. So keep on boosting your partner's self-esteem, if you want--and I think that's a good thing to do, just because it's nicer--but don't think that will cause any particular behavior.

This book contains some good tips on relationships, but it betrays little understanding either of the ethics--and whole point--of marriage, or of current research.

The notion that you can "affair proof" your mariage is just superstition, and this book provides nice superstitious procedures that let you believe you can protect yourself--that is, things you can do to create an illusion of control, which nonetheless actually give you none. Whether your spouse chooses infidelity as a way of making him or herself feel good is simply beyond your control.

What makes marriage an ethical commitment? You and your partner promise to put each other's interests, and the welfare of the relationship, above your own, rather than seeking self-interest primarily. You can't make your partner keep that promise by turning yourself into a meeting-his-interest-machine.

Love your spouse as best you can--but don't suffer the illusion that this affair-proofs your marriage. And if an affair is committed, don't think it's because you forgot, in essence, to knock wood.

Dr. Staheli has written an excellent fact filled book that explains, in easily understandable terms, why we have affairs and actually offers practicle advice on how to affair-proof your marriage. I advise everyone thinking of divorcing a roving spouse to read this book before starting the legal proceedings. It just might save your marriage, and the least it will do is remove the "why me" syndrome. Part 5 alone would make this book a great gift for the newlyweds among your family and friends. I'm sending one to my best friend today.

Having my husband confess to having an affair was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. Reading this book helped me change my negative thought patterns into positive ones. The book was easy to read, with examples that made me understand that my marriage was one of many to be impacted by an affair. It also articulated the reasons why people have affairs which was something my husband was not able to explain to me. The last part of the book is an excellent tool that helped us open the lines of communication so we could move forward from the hurt we both felt. I am confident my marriage will be a stronger "affair-proof" relationship from now on.

Affair-proofing is the idea that if your partner won't be faithful to you naturally, you'll inspire them to be faithful by trying to fulfill every possible need they could ever have. If all their needs are met, the theory goes, they won't need to look outside the relationship to get those needs met by anyone else.

However, the only person who can prevent your partner from cheating is your partner. You can't follow your partner around, setting their boundaries FOR them and being their conscience FOR them. They either have strong boundaries and a healthy conscience or they don't.

And the adulterers in this book had neither. Some were even proud of their affair like the man who said, "I feel good about the affair from beginning to end" or the woman who said, "Our affair has been good for my self-esteem. I feel better about myself than any other time in my life."
A person with a healthy conscience would never view an affair like a much needed spa vacation. Instead they'd feel sick at the thought of hurting you. So, if your partner has a weak conscience, you can't control that.

You can't control your partner's values either...and yet, it's their values that'll determine what decisions they make when no one is looking. For example, even if someone didn't value monogamy, if they DID value playing fair, then they won't invent excuses to play foul. Instead, they'll come up with other solutions (like asking for an open marriage or even asking for a divorce) that line up with their value system.
If they value trustworthiness, then they won't lie to gain your trust because that would go against a deeply held value. People make decisions based on their value system.

And yet, instead of focusing on the cheater's character, the author instead wants readers to focus on their own actions.
For example, one solution she comes up with is trying to beat out the competition. Whatever the affair partner is offering, you'll double it. But in the end, this will only make you feel pathetic for trying too hard to get someone to approve of you.

Another solution she offers is to try to make it difficult for your partner to cheat. Call them at different times of the day, stop by their work unexpectedly, etc... But all I see this doing is making you an annoying pest who doesn't respect other people's time or space. And don't kid yourself, if your partner wants to cheat, they will find ways to cheat.

The real issue here is your partner's character, not how good or bad a spouse you are. Even one man said, "I like being with two lovers. My wife is great in and out of bed, but I like variety".
So, if you're looking for someone not to cheat on you, look at their values. If they value monogamy (and actions speak louder than words), they won't cheat. But be careful here...just because someone isn't cheating, doesn't mean they value monogamy. They could just be afraid of getting caught, but once they figure out a way to cheat without getting caught, then they will cheat because they don't have the value system to stop them.

Some like to think it's possible to get swept up by emotions, so much so that your values take a back seat, but the author even admits that it's a myth that people get swept up by an affair, even women. She says that when women cheat, they carefully weigh how they can pull this off, and so when they do finally cheat, it's premeditated.

What also hurts this author's argument is her saying that biology makes people cheat, especially men who need to spread their seed around. So then, if people are slaves to biological forces, then it wouldn't matter how good a spouse you were, your spouse would have no choice but to cheat.

I gave the book 2 stars because the author does advise confessing about an affair if you've had one. I've read other books that say the mature and respectful thing is to lie about it. No, the respectful and mature thing is to not have an affair in the first place. If you do, then the mature thing to do is own up to your mistakes, ask for forgiveness and accept whatever consequences that result from your actions.

However, if you're on the receiving end of a confession, I don't agree with the author that you can't get mad. Apparently, when someone betrays you, there's certain etiquette that must be followed. You're not allowed to say "I am leaving" or "get out". You're supposed to sit there and calmly listen to them blame you for their unhappiness and then work on yourself to make them happy again. Nonsense. You've been betrayed. You have every right to be furious (as long as you're not abusive). And if you feel you would get abusive, then leaving or having them leave is the smartest thing to do.

One man, after his wife confessed, started crying and holding her tight. He immediately forgave her. The author saw this as a sign of good character. I saw it as desperation...as a man unwilling to face who his partner really was. He clung (literally and figuratively)to the illusions he had of her, even with hard evidence in front of him that contradicted it. Now, I'm all for compassion, but sometimes you can take compassion too far and become a doormat.

I think what makes the idea of affair-proofing so popular is the sense of control it brings...but that control is just an illusion. It's a false sense of security because you cannot control what another person does when they're out of your sight..only they can. But I also understand that denial is a powerful force to be reckoned with. I think the drug-dealing son in the movie American Beauty said it best when he was talking about his unsuspecting father..... "Never underestimate the power of denial."

It is almost inevitable that there will come a time when an affair touches each of our lives. It may happen to you, to your spouse, to a close friend, or to a family member. Being able to make an informed decision about what to do will be critical to you... and this book will make that possible.

I enjoyed this book because it explains not only how to prevent an affair, but also how to cope afterwords. I now have a much better understanding WHY they happen giving me a very different perspective on how I would deal with these same circumstances. A must read for singles and couples.