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Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity Hardcover – September 2, 1999


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Jossey-Bass; 1 edition (September 2, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0787950041
  • ISBN-13: 978-0787950040
  • Product Dimensions: 0.9 x 6.5 x 9.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #541,527 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

Brown, director of the Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center, puts her experiences as therapist and mediator to good purpose in her book. She outlines five types of affairs: conflict avoidance, intimacy avoidance, sexual addiction, split self, and exit. She then profiles each of these types and explains what kind of work cheaters and their spouses in each type of situation need to do to repair the damage done to their marriage by the infidelity. (In an uncommon move, she also offers advice for the third party in the affair.) Brown explains clearly that if an affair happens, there was usually a problem in place beforehandAand that the problem needs to be solved before the marriage can flourish. Although the exercises offered in the book seem a little datedAdoes anyone still talk about his or her inner child?Athis book is a commonsense and easy-to-read overview of a problem said to touch 70 percent of marriages. Recommended for public libraries.APamela A. Matthews, Gettysburg Coll. Lib., PA
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Review

"Emily Brown has written a must-read book for anyone going through the searing pain of infidelity. First she deciphers the five types of affairs, then she gives clear step-by-step procedures to help both partners deal with it and even grow from it. It's a real achievement." --Marguerite Kelly, syndicated columnist, The Family Almanac and author, Marguerite Kelly's Family Almanac

"Finally, a book on affairs that pulls no punches!. . . . It's the book I'll put at the top of my list to recommAnd to both professionals and to husbands, wives, and lovers. Highly recommAnded." --Isolina Ricci, author, Mom's House, Dad's House: The Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried

"Brown, a very well known expert in helping couples and professionals understand and handle affairs, provides important insight and tools for couples who want to overcome the betrayals associated with affairs and to 'fight for their marriage.'" --Howard Markman, coauthor, Fighting for Your Marriage

"Emily Brown could be a lifesaver to anyone who's been touched by the trauma of an affair. She is an expert with new insights who writes beautifully." --Jana Bommersbach, columnist, Phoenix Magazine and commentator, Good Morning Arizona

"Clearly written, without psychological jargon or obscure concepts, it will help couples to develop the unique solutions they need for their problems." --Telmo M. Baptista, Faculty of Psychology and Education, University of Lisbon, Portugal and president, Portuguese Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies

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Customer Reviews

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Informative, well written and definately worth a read by 'either party'.
S. Pyke
I was able to "let go" of the obsession and was able to understand the person who got involved with my husband as well as my husband's perspective.
willsmom
This is definitely a book that offers hope, healing, and practical help to anyone who has been affected by the aftermath of an extramarital affair.
Diane Wiltjer

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

84 of 89 people found the following review helpful By Diane Wiltjer on January 30, 2000
Format: Hardcover
As a family mediator, I have seen many couples end their marriage because one of them has had an extramarital affair. After reading Ms. Brown's second book, "Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity," I am more convinced than ever that an affair is not a good reason to end a marriage before the WHY of the affair is worked through. Ms. Brown identifies five types of affairs. She believes that some affairs, when worked through by both spouses together in a nonjudgmental setting, can lead to a happier, more fulfilling marriage than the couple ever experienced before--even before the affair. "Affairs..." is easy to read and contains checklists and other useful information to decide how and if the impact of the affair can be worked through so a new beginning of trust and love can emerge. This is definitely a book that offers hope, healing, and practical help to anyone who has been affected by the aftermath of an extramarital affair. ("Affairs..." follows another excellent book, written for therapists, "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment.")
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23 of 23 people found the following review helpful By willsmom on December 3, 2001
Format: Hardcover
I truly wish that someone had recommended this book before now. I am 4 months into a separation in which my husband left me for an affair partner. I turned into a woman possessed. I did things that truly were unhealthy for me in trying to understand what went wrong and obsessing over what was happening between the two of them. After reading this book, I had a wake up call. I truly felt as if someone had taken the book and hit me over the head with it. It put the affair into perspective and allowed me to start the healing process. It enabled me to understand that the affiar was not all my fault and began the discussion process with my spouse. I was able to "let go" of the obsession and was able to understand the person who got involved with my husband as well as my husband's perspective. A definite "must read" for anyone who is going through this!
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176 of 209 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on March 23, 2002
Format: Hardcover
If marriage counselors were emergency room doctors, they would always be asking questions like, "We need to understand why you stepped in front of that car, and why the driver needed you to do it." If they were cardiologists, they would be asking, "We need to understand why you needed to occlude your arteries, and why your spouse wanted you to."
An article of faith, not a fact that anyone has discovered or theory that makes any logical sense, the notion that infidelity always reveals something about the marriage continues to impose on couples demands that no one in any other realm of health care would countenance.
That an affair has occurred obviously means that the marriage was vulnerable to an affair--that the pattern of marital interaction allowed for an affair to happen. That does not mean that the affair is a function of that pattern.
Ms. Brown's book is more sensible than many guides to dealing with infidelity, though it shares the dogma that affairs are always systemic.
And the "types of affairs" she mentions hardly encompass all the reasons affairs take place. Sometimes a spouse is mentally ill, for instance. Sometimes a spouse's early upbringing left him or her with serious ethical lacunae. Sometimes we just marry the wrong people, because we are young and naive or otherwise obtuse when marrying, and the person we marry chooses a dishonorable path. Sometimes we choose dishonorable ways of feeling better because of our own shortcomings. None of those are functions of the marriage.
If you try to fit your spouse's infidelity, or your own, into Ms.
Read more ›
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24 of 26 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on June 23, 2004
Format: Hardcover
It seems that each book on affairs is absolutely sure that a marriage can survive an affair and I disagree. My husband cheated on me 5 years ago and we tried to work through it, although our marriage became a shell of what it used to be. Well, I recently found myself in an affair and thought, "Why on earth am I still married?" I picked up this book and learned I was in an EXIT AFFAIR - having met someone wonderful with the pretense to get some legs on which to leave. I was scared to death to leave the comfort zone of misery I was in - and this book tried over and over to assure me that there are ways to overcome infedilty. I must disagree - if a marriage isn't strong enough to prevent an affair, I'm not sure it can overcome it. I married the wrong person and I wish after the first affair in our marriage I had had the nerve to leave, instead I tried to so hard to work through it when I ultimately wasted 5 years with the wrong person. And I don't say that bitterly, my husband and I are friends and will remain friends, but we both know it's over - something this book probably would not approve of. I ask this book one question, if only 10% of marriages survive an affair than how is it possible that only 1% of betrayers leave their spouse? Sounds like the facts are a bit off. I suppose the moral of my reading this book is, if you know in your gut it's over, trust me, it's over. An affair is only a vehicle to speed up a broken marriage, at least that is my life lesson.
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