81 of 84 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
"Affairs are not just about sex.", January 30, 2000
This review is from: Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity (Hardcover)
As a family mediator, I have seen many couples end their marriage because one of them has had an extramarital affair. After reading Ms. Brown's second book, "Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity," I am more convinced than ever that an affair is not a good reason to end a marriage before the WHY of the affair is worked through. Ms. Brown identifies five types of affairs. She believes that some affairs, when worked through by both spouses together in a nonjudgmental setting, can lead to a happier, more fulfilling marriage than the couple ever experienced before--even before the affair. "Affairs..." is easy to read and contains checklists and other useful information to decide how and if the impact of the affair can be worked through so a new beginning of trust and love can emerge. This is definitely a book that offers hope, healing, and practical help to anyone who has been affected by the aftermath of an extramarital affair. ("Affairs..." follows another excellent book, written for therapists, "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment.")
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20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
What an eye opener, December 3, 2001
This review is from: Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity (Hardcover)
I truly wish that someone had recommended this book before now. I am 4 months into a separation in which my husband left me for an affair partner. I turned into a woman possessed. I did things that truly were unhealthy for me in trying to understand what went wrong and obsessing over what was happening between the two of them. After reading this book, I had a wake up call. I truly felt as if someone had taken the book and hit me over the head with it. It put the affair into perspective and allowed me to start the healing process. It enabled me to understand that the affiar was not all my fault and began the discussion process with my spouse. I was able to "let go" of the obsession and was able to understand the person who got involved with my husband as well as my husband's perspective. A definite "must read" for anyone who is going through this!
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162 of 192 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
To be vulnerable to an event is not to invite it, March 23, 2002
By A Customer
This review is from: Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity (Hardcover)
If marriage counselors were emergency room doctors, they would always be asking questions like, "We need to understand why you stepped in front of that car, and why the driver needed you to do it." If they were cardiologists, they would be asking, "We need to understand why you needed to occlude your arteries, and why your spouse wanted you to."
An article of faith, not a fact that anyone has discovered or theory that makes any logical sense, the notion that infidelity always reveals something about the marriage continues to impose on couples demands that no one in any other realm of health care would countenance.
That an affair has occurred obviously means that the marriage was vulnerable to an affair--that the pattern of marital interaction allowed for an affair to happen. That does not mean that the affair is a function of that pattern.
Ms. Brown's book is more sensible than many guides to dealing with infidelity, though it shares the dogma that affairs are always systemic.
And the "types of affairs" she mentions hardly encompass all the reasons affairs take place. Sometimes a spouse is mentally ill, for instance. Sometimes a spouse's early upbringing left him or her with serious ethical lacunae. Sometimes we just marry the wrong people, because we are young and naive or otherwise obtuse when marrying, and the person we marry chooses a dishonorable path. Sometimes we choose dishonorable ways of feeling better because of our own shortcomings. None of those are functions of the marriage.
If you try to fit your spouse's infidelity, or your own, into Ms. Brown's views, you may be taking on responsibility for managing someone else's mental illness or moral shortcomings, or you may be shifting your mental illness or ethical immaturity to your marriage, where they can never be fixed.
Nothing ever makes an individual trustworthy except his or her own good character. An affair need not show anything wrong with the marriage, but it ALWAYS shows unreliable character--a person who does not keep promises and engages in deceit is (by definition)unreliable. If you are the betrayer, you will never become a reliable partner without reforming the moral callousness that enabled you to use betrayal to make yourself feel better. If you are the betrayed, you make a serious mistake in believing that anything you can do will make your partner more reliable. Yes, you might be able to decrease the partner's unhappiness; but then you will have taken responsibility for keeping the partner happy enough that he or she won't do what they should never be willing to do anyway.
I've seen marriages destroyed by well-meaning therapists who convince partners that something is wrong with the marriage, when there isn't, really--when some individual therapy or moral education for the betrayer could have saved the marriage. I've seen therapists ratify the betrayed person's broken sense of self by telling them they had a role in bringing it on themselves, thus forever warping their understanding of themselves and of the moral demands of marriage. Ms. Brown invites more of the same.
All in the name of a dogma-both partners contribute-that makes no scientific or logical sense.
I have about decided that books by psychologists and social workers are the last sources you should consult when dealing with infidelity. None of them, that I've found, seem to reflect much understanding of ethics, of the psychology and sociology of social institutions, of agency and patience, or even of basic logic.
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