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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful Paperback – February 14, 1997

161 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive. In jargon-free prose, she urges both partners to probe the deeper meaning of the affair, to explore why it happened and to accept responsibility for it. Recognizing unstated assumptions held by oneself or one's mate is an integral part of this process, and the authors include exercises, concise case studies and checklists of suggestions to guide readers through the difficult task of healing. This wise book fills a gap on the self-help shelf. First serial to Cosmopolitan; available on audiocassette.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Back Cover

After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from theshattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinicalpsychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies thataddress such questions as: * Why did it happen? * Once love and trust aregone, can we ever get them back? * Can I—should I—recommit when I feelso ambivalent? * How do we become sexually intimate again? * Is forgivenesspossible? * What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?

--This text refers to the Audio CD edition.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1 edition (February 14, 1997)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0060928174
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060928179
  • Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.7 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (161 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #172,087 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

128 of 133 people found the following review helpful By Lisa on May 6, 2006
Format: Paperback
If you've been the victim of your spouse's affair and are seriously considering sticking by him/her, you'll find this book helpful in deciding whether staying together is the right decision for you. I feel Dr. Spring focuses on helping hurt spouses decide whether to stay or go, and then further focuses on helping those who choose to stay with issues of restoring trust and rebuilding love and intimacy.

My husband cheated on me, and when I caught him, he admitted his affair. I read this book under the following presumptions: that my husband's affair is over, that my husband wishes to stay with me, and that the only hindrance to our staying together is my doubt and apprehension. If you are experiencing infidelity under similar circumstances, I feel this book will help you come to the "right" conclusion in your situation. I can only offer that suggestion as the hurt spouse, though. I don't know how helpful this book will be to unfaithful spouses. My husband will be reading it next week, so I should have him review this book when he's through.

Dr. Spring encourages unfaithful spouses to look deep within themselves for an explanation as to why they chose to cheat, and the explanations she demands must be introspective and self-centered. She frowns on the unfaithful spouse blaming others for the infidelity. She also encourages the hurt spouse to look deep within and examine whether certain kinds of conduct or interaction with the unfaithful spouse encouraged infidelity within the relationship. She doesn't ask the hurt spouse to accept blame for the affair occurring, but she does ask that the hurt spouse accept responsibility for creating an atmosphere within the marriage that may have contributed to the unfaithful spouse's desire to seek out a lover.

Some of Dr.
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245 of 264 people found the following review helpful By on October 17, 1998
Format: Paperback
Finally! Something that has given me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. This book is a must have for any couples that have been shattered by the revelation of an affair. Even after months of couples therapy I was unable to validate the extreme sense of loss and inadequacy that I felt, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. I can't even express the profound sense of peace I found from each part of this book, especially the first chapter in which everything I was feeling and yet unable to say to my husband was put into words for me. Through this book I have been able to find the positive aspect of being given a second chance in my marriage. My husband and I have been able to prioritize and communicate in order to build a more stable relationship. The simple excersises are thought provoking and worth while. In closing, I have already recommended this book to several of the people I know that have been devastated by like experiences. I relate to them the story of the first night I began reading this book and fell asleep with it in my arms crying. Not out of sadness, but a sense of release from my confusion. You won't want to put it down!
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183 of 199 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 21, 2001
Format: Paperback
Four weeks ago, I was told that my husband had an affair. We have been married 25 years, have two children and have survived financial crisis, emotional upheaval, death of parents, and all the other usual crises that come with a long-term relationship. For all of this adversity, I never believed my husband was capable of having an affair with another woman. The affair lasted six years and was an on and off again relationship. Perhaps had it been more intense, it would have ended sooner. He says he spent the last two years of the relationship trying to separate himself from her. But he didn't want to hurt her, and didn't think I would ever find out. He never told me. The husband of his lover did. It was a chance encounter that brought it up. He thought I knew. Now it has been six years since they have been together, but for me it has just begun. I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard. He's sorry and has been working for the past six years to repair the damage he caused. I knew things were better in our relationship, but didn't know why. For the past four weeks I have felt like a zombie. I'm not eating or sleeping, am easily distracted and felt like my world is falling apart. Our children don't know, but it's hard, because I don't want to tell anyone. I feel like I am drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The self-hatred and loathing I felt for myself and still feel at times is without limit. This book has given me knowledge that I am not alone, that others have experienced this and worse, and that I will survive. I keep it with me and when the feelings of pain and self-hatred emerge, begin to read.Read more ›
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75 of 82 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on July 1, 2000
Format: Paperback
What I never thought would happen, happened. I discovered my spouse was having an affair. It ended immediately. For my spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For me, anger, grief, disbelief, and an 'avalanche of losses', including the sweet memories of our marriage ceremony......gone.
We went through what I call 'post-affair hell' for some time. Five months into recovery and working with a wonderful marriage therapist, I came upon this book. We began reading it ever so slowly, one chapter at a time on weekend mornings. (We even bought a huge cushy chair-and-a-half with lots of pillows to sit and read together, cuddle, talk, connect, recover and heal in.)
This book made so much sense to us. It shed light on the truth of what happened and why. The affair was put in it's place......a big fat mistake. It became increasingly clear to my spouse what non-substance that illicit 'love' was based on. When you don't even know each other, it's basically a lot of hormones and self-suggestion.
"After the Affair" helped bring back into focus what true lasting love is, the gift of a lifetime, and the importance of work and commitment in order to maintain it. We are still recovering, but are so glad to have survived this crisis and kept our family together.
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