After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful [Paperback]

Janis Abrahms Spring (Author), Michael Spring (Author)

Book Description

Release date: February 14, 1997

For the 70 percent of couples who have been affected by extramarital affairs, this is the only book to offer proven strategies for surviving the crisis and rebuilding the relationship –– written by a nationally known therapist considered an expert on infidelity.

When I was 15, I was raped. That was nothing compared to your affair. The rapist was a stranger; you, I thought, were my best friend.

There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of self–respect and falls into a depression that can last for years. For the relationship, infidelity is often a death blow.

After the Affair is the first book to help readers survive this crisis. Written by a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for 22 years, it guides both hurt and unfaithful partners through the three stages of healing: Normalizing feelings, deciding whether to recommit and revitalizing the relationship. It provides proven, practical advice to help the couple change their behavior toward each other, cultivate trust and forgiveness and build a healthier, more conscious intimate partnership.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive. In jargon-free prose, she urges both partners to probe the deeper meaning of the affair, to explore why it happened and to accept responsibility for it. Recognizing unstated assumptions held by oneself or one's mate is an integral part of this process, and the authors include exercises, concise case studies and checklists of suggestions to guide readers through the difficult task of healing. This wise book fills a gap on the self-help shelf. First serial to Cosmopolitan; available on audiocassette.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Back Cover

After the Affair teaches partners how to heal themselves and grow from the shattering crisis of an infidelity. Drawing on thirty-five years as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Spring offers a series of original and proven strategies that address such questions as: * Why did it happen? * Once love and trust are gone, can we ever get them back? * Can I—should I—recommit when I feel so ambivalent? * How do we become sexually intimate again? * Is forgiveness possible? * What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1 edition (February 14, 1997)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060928174
• ISBN-13: 978-0060928179
• Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.5 x 8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (165 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #54,495 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #67 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Counseling

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

98 of 100 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Sensible Encouragement For Those Hurting From Infidelity May 6, 2006

By Lisa

Format:Paperback

If you've been the victim of your spouse's affair and are seriously considering sticking by him/her, you'll find this book helpful in deciding whether staying together is the right decision for you. I feel Dr. Spring focuses on helping hurt spouses decide whether to stay or go, and then further focuses on helping those who choose to stay with issues of restoring trust and rebuilding love and intimacy.

My husband cheated on me, and when I caught him, he admitted his affair. I read this book under the following presumptions: that my husband's affair is over, that my husband wishes to stay with me, and that the only hindrance to our staying together is my doubt and apprehension. If you are experiencing infidelity under similar circumstances, I feel this book will help you come to the "right" conclusion in your situation. I can only offer that suggestion as the hurt spouse, though. I don't know how helpful this book will be to unfaithful spouses. My husband will be reading it next week, so I should have him review this book when he's through.

Dr. Spring encourages unfaithful spouses to look deep within themselves for an explanation as to why they chose to cheat, and the explanations she demands must be introspective and self-centered. She frowns on the unfaithful spouse blaming others for the infidelity. She also encourages the hurt spouse to look deep within and examine whether certain kinds of conduct or interaction with the unfaithful spouse encouraged infidelity within the relationship. She doesn't ask the hurt spouse to accept blame for the affair occurring, but she does ask that the hurt spouse accept responsibility for creating an atmosphere within the marriage that may have contributed to the unfaithful spouse's desire to seek out a lover.

Some of Dr.... Spring's suggestions and assumptions didn't apply to me, so I simply skipped those parts of the book. However, I voraciously read through the first half of the book and hung on every word. She focuses the first part of the book on putting into words the feelings and emotions both partners may be feeling after the affair. It was helpful to read in print the feelings I was experiencing so that I knew I wasn't the only woman in the world feeling this way. It also helped me to know how my husband might be feeling since I was too angry to ask him myself, but wanted to know how he felt about things.

The second part of the book asks you to think about your assumptions about love and marriage, and examine your own marriage in light of your assumptions (does it measure up or fail to meet your expectations?). She then guides you through some difficult questions you must ask yourself if you're struggling with the decision to stay or go. After reading this part of the book, I still felt torn in both directions, so I continued reading in the hopes that I would be able to glean more about my own decision-making process.

I'm glad I continued reading into the chapter that describes how you can begin to learn from the affair and restore trust. I found the chapter on restoring trust to be especially helpful, and it was from that chapter that I gained the greatest confidence in my decision (I've decided to stay and work on improving our marriage).

I skimmed the rest of the book on how to forgive, how to restore intimacy, and whether you ought to reveal your affair (a last-minute addition to the book for those who haven't told their spouses yet). As I said, these chapters didn't seem necessary for me to read under my specific circumstances. The sexual intimacy chapter would be helpful for those couples who haven't been intimate since the affair, as she guides you through some exercises that may help you shed inhibitions and fears. I didn't read the chapter on forgiveness in detail, figuring forgiveness will come with time, so I don't need to focus on it right now (again, restoring trust was vital to me and will be my focus for some time). I will reexamine this chapter at a later date.

If you're seeking help right now and don't know where to turn, this book is an excellent starting point. I have sought counsel with friends and family, but not professional counsel just yet. I feel more comfortable about starting professional counseling soon now that I have a grasp of the ideas and concerns we need to focus on. I didn't want to make my decision based on what my friends told me because they're biased in my favor. I also didn't want to make my decision based on my husband's hopes since he's biased in his own favor. Dr. Spring's suggestions and thought exercises helped me to decide in as unbiased a manner as possible whether staying was the right decision for me. I feel she can help you make the right decision for you if you are experiencing infidelity in a similar way to me.

Further, I checked out "Not Just Friends," but since I read this book first and with great care, I was too emotionally drained to read "Not Just Friends." Perhaps it would be helpful, but I didn't have the energy to read it through and compare the two.

My faults with the book are that you may experience a wider range of negative emotions while reading it because you read about concerns you didn't have but now think about. Actually, that'd be my only criticism.

Best of luck making your own decision. Read more ›

235 of 252 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Must have for couples struggling to rebuild after an affair October 17, 1998

By [e-mail]

Format:Paperback

Finally! Something that has given me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. This book is a must have for any couples that have been shattered by the revelation of an affair. Even after months of couples therapy I was unable to validate the extreme sense of loss and inadequacy that I felt, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. I can't even express the profound sense of peace I found from each part of this book, especially the first chapter in which everything I was feeling and yet unable to say to my husband was put into words for me. Through this book I have been able to find the positive aspect of being given a second chance in my marriage. My husband and I have been able to prioritize and communicate in order to build a more stable relationship. The simple excersises are thought provoking and worth while. In closing, I have already recommended this book to several of the people I know that have been devastated by like experiences. I relate to them the story of the first night I began reading this book and fell asleep with it in my arms crying. Not out of sadness, but a sense of release from my confusion. You won't want to put it down!

160 of 174 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Book of Hope for Those Who Have None May 21, 2001

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

Four weeks ago, I was told that my husband had an affair. We have been married 25 years, have two children and have survived financial crisis, emotional upheaval, death of parents, and all the other usual crises that come with a long-term relationship. For all of this adversity, I never believed my husband was capable of having an affair with another woman. The affair lasted six years and was an on and off again relationship. Perhaps had it been more intense, it would have ended sooner. He says he spent the last two years of the relationship trying to separate himself from her. But he didn't want to hurt her, and didn't think I would ever find out. He never told me. The husband of his lover did. It was a chance encounter that brought it up. He thought I knew. Now it has been six years since they have been together, but for me it has just begun. I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard. He's sorry and has been working for the past six years to repair the damage he caused. I knew things were better in our relationship, but didn't know why. For the past four weeks I have felt like a zombie. I'm not eating or sleeping, am easily distracted and felt like my world is falling apart. Our children don't know, but it's hard, because I don't want to tell anyone. I feel like I am drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The self-hatred and loathing I felt for myself and still feel at times is without limit. This book has given me knowledge that I am not alone, that others have experienced this and worse, and that I will survive. I keep it with me and when the feelings of pain and self-hatred emerge, begin to read.... I've seen what hell looks like, and can't go there anymore. This book is truly helping me regain my sense of self and giving me a path which is guiding me out of this. My husband has not seen his lover in six years intimately. She has emailed him and called him at the office begging him to leave me and begin a new life with her. Prior to my finding out, he made the decision to leave the relationship and work to repair the damage he caused to ours. He went to a counselor who told him not to tell me. The book is helping him understand why he did what he did and is giving him the means to work on communicating this to me. He also understands how devestating it was for me to hear about it from his lover's husband. I read the first chapter and wrote notes in it to him about how I felt. He read the second chapter and wrote notes letting me know what was true for him and what was not an issue. We are both using the rest of it to discuss what happened, what we need and to learn how to have a better relationship in the future. Words can't express how helpful this book has been for both of us. We are both shocked about what happened, but with time, patience, and love I believe we will emerge from this stronger than ever. Yes, I'm, angry, hurt and feel violated. But if you both truly want to save your marriage and are willing to commit to learning what happened and how to address the issues that contributed to this tragic situation, I highly recommend this book... Read more ›

66 of 70 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars This was the first book we read together. It helped. July 1, 2000

By "rosewolf-tg"

Format:Paperback

What I never thought would happen, happened. I discovered my spouse was having an affair. It ended immediately. For my spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For me, anger, grief, disbelief, and an 'avalanche of losses', including the sweet memories of our marriage ceremony......gone.

We went through what I call 'post-affair hell' for some time. Five months into recovery and working with a wonderful marriage therapist, I came upon this book. We began reading it ever so slowly, one chapter at a time on weekend mornings. (We even bought a huge cushy chair-and-a-half with lots of pillows to sit and read together, cuddle, talk, connect, recover and heal in.)

This book made so much sense to us. It shed light on the truth of what happened and why. The affair was put in it's place......a big fat mistake. It became increasingly clear to my spouse what non-substance that illicit 'love' was based on. When you don't even know each other, it's basically a lot of hormones and self-suggestion.

"After the Affair" helped bring back into focus what true lasting love is, the gift of a lifetime, and the importance of work and commitment in order to maintain it. We are still recovering, but are so glad to have survived this crisis and kept our family together.