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After the Darkest Hour: How Suffering Begins the Journey to Wisdom

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After the Darkest Hour by Kathleen Brehony taught me it's alright to cry over the loss of a loved one but that we should take something of value from that episode in our life's journey. I am more at peace with myself after six months of substantial grieving over the loss of my wife of 27 years. The book convinced me that I can continue to have a deep relationship with her even though it is in my soul and heart. The book taught me to understand the life cycles and know my place in that cycle and be further strengthened by the tough and sad experience. Hats off to this author for helping me find my real self once again. I plan on giving this book to every friend of mine who has a similar experience in life. God Bless! Grateful from Nevada

The Arthor's quote from Rumi at the end of the book says the whole thing. It's what the book is all about. It is a lesson is dealing with adversity, here is an excerpt from that Quote! "This being human is a guest house, Every Morning a New Arrival! Welcome and entertain them all. Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight!. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and INVITE THEM IN. Be grateful for whomever comes, beacause each has been sent as aguide from beyond!"

Brehony concludes this remarkable treatise by saying, "Say yes to all of your life. Choose to live joyfully even in your pain. Love yourself and everyone else. Be present always, alive to every moment. Grieve when you should, fight when you can, accept when you must. But above all say YES!.

Get this book and never put it aside, keep it handy for reference. When a friend is in sorrow, look closely again through "After the Darkest Hour" and you will find a comforting thought to share with your friend and the both of you will be the better for the sharing. It worked for me.

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I read several books, all of which were helpful to me recently when I lost someone I loved. This book, however, stayed with me. I couldn't put it down and read it all within two nights, actually three, because I saved the last few pages until the third night (didn't want it to end). I had taken it out at the library, but after reading it decided to buy it from Amazon. Brehony incorporates all types of religious themes/spiritual themes into this book and really gave me a wonderful introduction to Budhism - which I have begun to practice after reading some of the stories and quotes in her book. She does not push any of the religions or spiritual teachings she uses, however, but she presents them in such a way that the reader is helped. I am still grieving and I plan on re-reading her book once I get it from Amazon. I have realized that nothing can truly take away the pain I have from my loss, but Kathleen's book has helped me to see that the best thing I can do is to feel how I feel, instead of figuring out how to run away from it. I recommend this book highly and if you are very open, you might try reading Walking in the Garden of Souls, by George Anderson, which also helped comfort me during this time (although some people may not be open to some of his ideas). At the very least, read Kathleen's book, I felt as if she was sitting next to me helping me through this difficult period of time. It helps because grieving can feel very lonely at times.

I stumbled upon this book when I needed to read it most, proving "of course", that there are no "coincidences!" Don't even open the cover until you have a highlighter in hand, as you will want to go back and read again - and again - and again...

Easy to read, very well organized, thought provoking. This is NOT a sad book, in spite of the title. Communicates a great understanding - makes sense of suffering - allows the reader to move on, and begin the "journey to wisdom."

Many of my books find their way, ultimately, to a second hand bookshop. Not this one... it has found a place on my permanent collection shelf. Thanks, Kathleen. Well done.

With this book, Kathleen Brehony has eloquently reminded us that through our suffering, we are sometimes given our most precious gifts. How we choose to deal with our grief makes all the difference; will we choose love over hate, wisdom over ignorance, compassion over bitterness, or life over death? Which will you choose? Read this book & share it with someone you love!

How is it that some people become bitter while others thrive as they live through difficult or painful experiences? What can we learn that will guide us through our own dark times to greet the dawn with brighter sight?

Most of us are taught to expect tough times - to suffer horribly. We expect to be diminished, to be tested & found wanting. Most of us think grieving is for wimps & the emotionally unstable. We are taught that control is all & surrender cowardly; that destiny rules our lives & choice is for the wealthy. Most of us have been taught poorly & After the Darkest Hour has a lot to help us re-teach ourselves so we may walk our path in our own shoes.

I really relished Dr. Brehony's Practical Suggestions & her stories as she recounts her insights from the lessons her clients & family taught her.

After the Darkest Hour is a rich & thoughtful read. While gently instructive, it does remind us, frequently, that we are not alone & that walking blindly through our lives will surely cause us to whack our shins on what we insist upon not seeing or believing that no one else, ever, has felt or known such misery. Do visit my site for my full review.

I don't want to waste anyones time from buying this book but I must say.......i'm only on chapter 2 and I am feeling and understanding more about life and spirituality than ever. BUY It,read it, LOVE IT!.

after the darkest hourWhen I was a young boy, my grandmother passed away very suddenly, on Mother's Day, actually. While I don't remember her passing away very distinctly, I do remember my grandfather living alone afterwards, and I remember that he just seemed different - sad, and a bit withdrawn, almost as if he were just going through the motions. It was less than a year later that he passed away, too.

It said on his death certificate that he died of cancer, but even through my seven year old eyes I could tell that he died of a broken heart.

My grandfather's final months are the earliest memory I have of someone suffering through a life-altering and painful event. Since then, I've witnessed many others - and experienced some myself. Some people handle them well and recover in a short while, often taking away some valuable lessons from the experience and using that experience as motivation for success. For others, such experiences can be the beginning of a long downward spiral.

What's the difference? What enables some people to turn those negative experiences around and use them to build character and fuel greater success in life? After the Darkest Hour by Kathleen Brehony addresses that very question, offering a great deal of insight into how to channel the power of a painful event into something positive.

Part One - Reflections on Suffering

The Truth about Life - Everyone Lives a Drama
Everything changes. Change is the natural state of things - people change, situations change, lives change. An inherent part of that change is loss - we lose what we once had, and sometimes that loss can be deeply painful, but that loss is something that happens to everyone. While we can't control the loss, we can control how we respond to it - the death of a loved one may be out of our hands, but it's up to us to figure out how to respond. In that loss, though, new doors open, and often in the most painful of moments, we find that we have opportunities and experiences that are new and valuable and important. A death can bring about a reconciliation. A disaster can bring about help from unexpected places. A personal crisis can bring your true friends to the forefront.

Lead into Gold, or the Alchemical Process of Making the Best from the Worst
Here, Brehony largely focuses on the analogy of alchemy to recovery from a bad situation. In both cases, you're attempting to turn lead into gold - one literally and one metaphorically. What's key in both is the idea of transformation - you go through the flame and come out on the other side, transformed and better than you were before.

Brick Houses and Straw Houses: How Prepared Are We for Hard Times?
Brehony argues here that the most valuable thing we can have to prepare for a bad situation is a strong sense of self-worth. People who enter into a downward spiral after a disaster often have low self-esteem - they believe that the bad event was largely their own fault or else made worse by their personal faults. Instead of picking up the pieces and moving on, they blame themselves, making for an even worse picture of themselves. The key thing to remember is that most bad events are not your fault, and to convince yourself that it is is not only bad logic, but mentally unhealthy and even dangerous.

Beyond Resilience
Some people are simply more resilient to disastrous events than others. After the Darkest Hour points to seven personal characteristics that show up in resilient people: insight (asking the tough questions and seeking answers), independence (standing alone and having reasonable boundaries), relationships (having fulfilling ties with others), initiative (pushing oneself to understand the world around them), creativity and humor, morality (having a strong sense of right and wrong), and a general resilience made up of persistence and flexibility. Focusing on these traits in the good times will make it much easier for you to weather the bad (plus, they make it easier to deal with day-to-day life).

Rowing versus Flowing: Luck, Destiny, and Free Will
Another challenge that people face is distinguishing between luck, destiny, and free will. Quite simply, the decisions and actions of others are almost always entirely out of our hands - we can hope to guide them, but the choices they make are often up to them. A concerted effort to help is a wonderful, powerful thing, but you are not the person to blame if that help is left unused. That choice not to use the help is in the hands of the other person.

Part Two - A Dozen Strategies for Growing Through the Pain

1 - Discover a Larger Perspective
No matter how devastating something seems, in the greater scheme of things, it's not really that big of a deal. Consider the entirety of the human race, for one - the great suffering that others have experienced. Or, go beyond that and recognize how tiny humanity is compared to the whole universe. Solace in a higher power is also powerful - spirituality and religion can be a big help in putting your personal problems in perspective.

2 - Turn Toward Compassion and Help Others
Instead of wallowing in your own self-pity, look to those around you who may also be suffering and try your best to help them through this crisis. When you complement your own suffering for compassion for others who are suffering, it can make your own suffering much more manageable. One effective way to do this is to get involved with volunteer work, helping out those who are less fortunate than you.

3 - Recognize and Stop Self-Imposed Suffering
Many people take bad situations and use them to beat themselves up, offering these situations up as "evidence" of their own personal failings. If you're experiencing something difficult in your life and find yourself using that difficult experience to "prove" that you've somehow failed, try stepping back and looking at the situation more carefully. Quite often, you're not the one at fault at all, and you're merely letting your own self-esteem down.

4 - Practice Mindfulness
Be mindful of what you're feeling and thinking. Don't let your emotions get the better of you. Instead, practice calmness. Brehony encourages people to take up meditation, observing their own breathing and simply get in touch with how they're truly feeling. She also encourages yoga as an opportunity to be mindful of one's current situation and personal feelings.

5 - Grieve
Don't try to bottle it all inside when something bad happens. Allow yourself to grieve. Cry. Let that pent-up energy flow out in a non-destructive way. Find a shoulder to lean on, if you need one. Talk about what you're feeling, and remember the positives of the life that person led or the situation that has now ended. I've always found that a wake helps more than anything for a funeral - get everyone together who cared about the deceased before the funeral, and share food, drink, and remembrances.

6 - Build Good Containers
"Containers," in this context, refers to stored-up love and positive feelings that you can tap into when you need them. In other words, spend time when you're happy building deep and strong relationships with your family and your closest friends, and then tap that positive relationship when you're facing a disaster. Reciprocate, too - be there emotionally for your friends and family when they need that shoulder to lean on.

7 - Count Your Blessings and Discover the Power of Optimism
It's often hard to think of the positives in a negative time, but stopping for a moment and thinking of all of the positives in your life when something's wrong can be a great way to put that negative experience in perspective. Think of all of the people you care about, and those who care about you. Think about all of the great experiences you've had, and the experiences you've got planned for the future. Your life is filled with great things - step back and look at them when the chips are down.

8 - Find Courageous Role Models and the Hero Within
Brehony suggests also finding a few personal heroes, particularly ones that have overcome personal tragedy to accomplish great things in their life. For example, I often use FDR as a personal hero, and I reflect of the dark times of the early 1920s when he was struck with Guillain-Barre Syndrome and largely became confined to a wheelchair. He nearly died, found himself with a body unable to do what he wanted, and nearly gave up. But he recovered and went on to guide the United States through the Great Depression and almost all of World War II. Many others have survived situations when the chips are down and gone on to much greater things.

9 - Keep a Sense of Humor
Laugh. That seems impossible during some of the saddest times, but laughter is often the best medicine for what ails you. Above, I mentioned the idea of a wake for a person who has passed on. Take that opportunity to tell humorous stories about that person, ones that will get everyone to laugh about a fond or funny memory. I remember my family having many informal wakes for people - recently, we had a wake for my deceased uncle that was filled with laughter, which helped everyone deal with the situation.

10 - Express Your Feelings
When you're feeling pain, it's healthy to find ways to express it. Start a journal and write down exactly what you're feeling. Dig into an art form that has meaning for you. If all else fails, just call on someone who's willing to be an ear and talk it all out. Say what's on your mind and in your heart - just get it out there, so it doesn't sit inside of you and weight you down.

11 - Silence, Prayer, and Meditation
For some, introspection may be the answer - I know that for me, silence, prayer, and meditation all help in times of crisis. It provides a chance for me to reflect on what's really happened - what I'm missing now, what I'll do next, and what I still have in my life to cherish. For me, such meditation is part of the grieving process, making it easier for me to internalize what happened and move on.

12 - Come to Your Life like a Warrior
Negative events are something to be conquered and something to gain experience from, much like a warrior on a difficult quest. Face this negative event like an enemy - focus on it intently, defeat it, and learn from it. Treating a negative situation with intensity and all of the strength you can muster can help you build a path to success beyond the situation.

Some Thoughts on After the Darkest Hour
Many of the techniques discussed can be a strong part of daily life, even if you're not suffering from a negative situation. I meditate and pray daily, and I make an effort to work on many of my personal relationships, too. There will come a time when this effort put into relationships will pay off - people will be there for me when I need them, and my own routines of reflection will enable me to internalize the pain.

One of the big meta-themes is that the process of internalizing pain is often fertile ground for growth. When something bad happens and you deal with it in a healthy and successful fashion, you often will find that doors are open that were blocked before, either by the pre-existing situation or by your own attention in different directions. If you let the pain obscure these doors, you miss out on potentially great events.

Is After the Darkest Hour Worth Reading?
After the Darkest Hour is the perfect book to read if something very painful has just happened in your life and you're having a very difficult time internalizing it, falling into traps of blaming yourself and surrounding yourself with negativity. We all weather painful events in life, and there are two outcomes from it: you can either let it drag you down or let it lift you up - this book does a very good job of pointing you to the latter.

After the Darkest Hour is one of those books to keep in mind for when the situation happens. Most of the time, it won't have any value to you at all - it doesn't really help when things are going well at all. The information inside really only steps up to the plate when things are at their worst: someone you deeply care for dies, you've lost a key relationship, or something else crucial in your life is lost. In those situations - particularly when you're finding your negativity and pain festering and perhaps building - After the Darkest Hour can offer some excellent advice. This is a great one to check out from the library during those key moments.

All I have to say is that this book is great for someone suffering a loss in their life. I stumbled across this book in a bookstore after my divorce. That was over 3 years ago and I still have it in my nightstand! It is comforting and helped me get through a very tough time in my life. I even bought several copies and gave them to everyone I know.