After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship [Hardcover]

Daniel B. Wile (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 13, 1993 | ISBN-10: 0898627540 | ISBN-13: 978-0898627541 | Edition: 1ST

Daniel B. Wile, author of Couples Therapy and After the Honeymoon, devotes this entire book to an analysis of a single night in the life of one couple. By tapping into their self-talk (their ongoing conversations with themselves), he discovers what starts, escalates, and rekindles fights--and also, what potentially allows for a useful conversation about a fight. Wile reveals the half-thoughts and half-feelings that generally go unnoticed: the anxious flashes; depressive waves; self-directed diatribes; and two-second mental divorces.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"I highly recommend it to therapists but also to researchers interested in the impact of concealing personal feelings in relationships."  -Contemporary Psychology

"...a book of great originality and humanity. The format is lively and fascinating....This is one of life's pleasures that is actually good for you."-Paul Wachtel, author of Therapeutic Communication

"For the seasoned therapist the book is an adventure into the mind of the therapist's journey, always interesting and at time s even amusing. For the less experienced therapist, the book fully and clearly describes major relationship dynamics as they are played out in the life of a couple, while presenting a very detailed therapeutic approach....the book is an extremely useful aid for those doing couple therapy."
-Journal of Sex Education and Therapy

--This text refers to the Paperback edition.

About the Author

DANIEL B. WILE is a psychologist in the private practice of individual and couples therapy in Oakland, CA. A Diplomate in Clinical Psychology of the American Board of Professional Psychology, Dr. Wile earned his A.B. at the University of Chicago and his Ph.D. at the University of California at Berkely. He has published on psychotherapeutic theory as well as on couples therapy, and has given numerous talks, courses, demonstrations, and workshops on couples therapy.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 326 pages
• Publisher: Guilford Press; 1ST edition (August 13, 1993)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0898627540
• ISBN-13: 978-0898627541
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,047,801 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

22 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars More useful & real than typical pop psychology books, March 28, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship (Hardcover)

People looking to improve relationships, to better understand themselves and be better understood by others, will benefit much more from THIS book than from 100 of your typical pop psychology books -- you know, the ones whose titles usually start with numbers ("The seven ways to...", "The eight types of...", and so on.)

This book allows people to see what a good therapist might be thinking while working with a fighting couple (don't you always wonder what the therapist is really thinking?), AND to see what the couple themselves are thinking.

An important aspect of the book is giving people the benefit of the doubt... but also turning an honestly critical eye on oneself as well as others.

It's not a book that claims "If someone says X, she *REALLY* means ....". The tone is far less judgmental than that. In fact, Wile takes care to point out that he doesn't have one right answer or one right interpretation of what goes on during the night in the life of this couple. He makes clear that he, as a therapist, is a human being like anyone else and is subject to the same foibles as the couple illustrated here. We all are. He simply has acquired some pretty good insights about how these things work. (He's a Ph.D. psychologist in private practice, or was at the time of publication of this book anyway.)

Wile focuses (among other things) on people's need to get their points across. Reading this book makes the reader feel understood, and then helps the reader see what the other person in a fight might need to get across. It's the kind of book that makes you want to turn around and give it to significant others in your life after you've finished reading it yourself and saying, "Yeah! That's it!" every other page. I think it helps people slow down, take a step back, and be less defensive (without even knowing it, as Wile points out) in dealings with other people.

The book is an extended, in-depth analysis of one single fight in one couple. This focus is a great way for us to see the practical realities of what Wile is talking about -- as opposed to glib principles, which many books offer alone.

If you're not already familiar with psychological lingo, don't let some of the terminology in the introduction put you off. The book as a whole is extremely understandable, real, and useful. It's one of those books you wish everyone would read, but, unlike many popular self-help or psychology books, it's not a flash in the pan. If you can read this and take it to heart it can make a lasting difference in how you do things. Not a quick fix, but a serious improvement.

I suppose if there's anything I don't like about it it's some of the lingo (which is well explained) and that it's a bit repetitive -- but that's easy to deal with because the format of the book is such that it becomes easy to identify and just skim some sections at the end which pretty much repeat things already covered (if you want to).

I do strongly recommend this book. And not just for couples with major fighting problems. For anyone -- we all have quibbles. Whether you have quibbles (or major fights) with your spouse, your friend, your coworker, your parent, your child, or your therapist, this book could be enlightening.

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Having worked with Wile..., June 26, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship (Paperback)

Before it went out of print, "After the Honeymoon: how conflict can improve your relationship" was my standard wedding gift. I was fortunate to have a few session with him 10 years ago, and I still put his principles into practice on a daily basis. I also use them when I teach about conflict in my Interpersonal Communication 101 class. He goes beyond the standard advice, which most of my students already know (things like "don't loose your temper") and helps couples deal with the situations we actually find ourselves in (things like we do loose our tempers, its actually normal, and so now what?)

I found his use of examples very helpful, his approach heartening, and his suggestions practical, and though it takes willingness and commitment, they have really paid off. I felt empowered and hopeful. Owning his books is like having compassionate, insightful and skilled couple's councelor in your pocket. Take advantage of his immense contribution to the field.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Terrific Read, July 4, 2002

By A Customer

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship (Paperback)

As a masters student in psychology this book was required reading. It is a terrific account of a first hand case study involving a couple. You get to read both sides and the therapist view point. Very enlightning and helps the beginner to see what the master sees. Also good for anyone looking for more insight into their own relationship.