After the honeymoon. The very words carry a burden of sadness, as if for a short while we lived in a golden trance of love, and now we’ve been jolted awake. Immediately comes the thought, “Oh no! Is this the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with?” When choosing a partner, we are choosing, along with that person, a particular set of problems that we will be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or even fifty years. Dan Wile shows how to take advantage of the inevitable problems that occur in a relationship to deepen the sense of connection. Most of these problems result from feelings we are unable to express and conversations we are unable to have. We become angry because we are unable to confide feeling hurt. We become defensive because we are unable to confide feeling threatened. We become uncompromising because of the hidden compromises we are already making. Exposing these undercurrents can turn fights into intimate conversations.
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Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
Twenty years as a practicing psychologist has shown the author the bonanza of difficulties that can beset couplesfrom the nitpicking annoyances to divorce-sized concernsand many readers will recognize certain elements of discord discussed here. By illustrating, with examples, how small behavioral details can mask major issues between partners, and by creating mock conversations between couples, Wile pinpoints the habits and thought patterns he believes frequently threaten relationships. His ideas are not new and his main message is familiar: at the bottom of most troubles lies a lack of communication. He maintains that partners fall into accusatory modes of thinking that block attempts at harmony, and he suggests some insightful strategies for "blending" problems into a relationship. What most invigorates this book, though, is Wile's firm grasp and display of sensitive psychological points between partnersthe fear of abandonment and of being taken for granted, the resentment of domination, dependency and boredomthat, in fact, are the roots of many conflicts. Those willing to wade through the recurrent pattern of theory and example that guides Wile's writing will find a commonsensical approach to relationships and a healthy pep talk that may get them started toward better times. Wile wrote Couples Therapy.
Copyright 1988 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Copyright 1988 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
I'm a licensed psychologist in practice for 30 years, and this is the best single book on identifying and expressing emotions in a relationship that I've ever seen. I routinely recommend it to clients; it contains a wealth of information. Wyle gives many examples of how to name feelings that lie below the surface, and how to share them with others in ways that are non-threatening and non-blaming. A fantastic book.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover
Both in my personal life and in practicing psychotherapy with individuals and couples, I have found that the guidance given in this book is exceptionally helpful and to the point. The author does not waste words; he provides dozens of suggestions and rules for dealing with oneself and the other so that one can handle the inevitable conflict in relationship (intimate and nonintimate) better and find greater satisfaction as a result. I couldn't recommend this book more highly.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
I've read literally dozens of books on marital communications issues and this is by far the best. Wile does not cast the problem in moral or "should do" terms. He offers sample conversations which are startling: "Hey, I had a conversation that went bad exactly like that!" He explores the structure of the event, suggesting ways in which our personal histories get in the way of good communication. Each chapter ends with a restructured conversation which gets around those problems.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
How to use conflict to improve your relationships
This is a must read book for anyone who is married or is in a serious relationships and wants to learn how to use conflict to improve your relationship. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Taylor Ellwood
5.0 out of 5 stars
Better than therapy
This book will help almost any relationship! You will laugh and wonder if Dan Wile had a video camera in your home as you and your partner were fighting. Read more
Published 14 months ago by Karen S Price
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great Resource for Couples
Recommended by a wonderful marriage therapist. It's a good place to start if working on any marital issues. Read more
Published on January 22, 2010 by SLN
5.0 out of 5 stars
One of the best books on navigating relationships ever written
After the Honeymoon is a rare book. It's written with such a wealth of insights that to fully absorb them all takes a bit of time. Read more
Published on July 5, 2007 by H. Friedman
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