Customer Reviews

All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

5 star:		(34)
4 star:		(16)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(18)

 

 

After yet ANOTHER time of starting out a potential relationship with the guy being totally infatuated with me and then ending it within a few months, I read this book.

All this time I have wondered why on Earth guys started out thinking I was this interesting, intriguing, wonderful, irreplaceable woman then did a total 180, and here this book lined it all up for me. I started out being myself--sassy, feisty, interesting me--and as I turned towards liking a guy, I'd completely lose myself in the relationship, which would cause him to lose interest in me. I wasn't me anymore, I was doormat shell of a me.

I was able to identify actual moments in this last relationship where his interest in me started slipping--and it was all stuff that I was doing that the Rules warn against.

Granted, this book does not have ALL the answers--for example, I would imagine that you can only tell someone so many times that "I have plans" or "I'm so busy" without giving a single detail as to what you're doing before they think you're a liar or a manipulative cow. The book doesn't go into what to say when they ask "Doing what?". And it doesn't cover cell phones/text messaging/social networking stuff.

But a lot of it is teaching women to be courteous to themselves and their friends. We shouldn't break plans with friends or avoid making weekend plans in the hopes that the guy will call last minute. We shouldn't sit by the phone waiting to pick up after half a ring. We SHOULD resist the temptation to find excuses to call, and the temptation to bend over backwards for him without getting the same treatment in return. We SHOULD expect romantic and thoughtful gifts--measured by effort, not by cost--from someone who loves us. We SHOULD keep our own lives, our own interests, keep ourselves feeling valued with or without a guy. We SHOULD keep our distance emotionally until after we're sure instead of turning a boyfriend into a pro bono therapist...or we turn ourselves into wrecks over a short-term relationship.

So kudos to this book. As of right now, I'm testing out the Rules (or at least my version of them--I'm not a husband hunter, I just want a fulfilling relationship if I'm going to have one) with two different prospective guys. Even if it doesn't work out with either of them, I know to avoid bad behaviors that this book pointed out I had, and I'm hoping it makes me a better potential girlfriend.

I was torn as to what rating to give this book. I finally decided on giving it a 5 because I asked myself this question: Does this book deliver on it's promises. After over a decade of experiences in both using and NOT using the RULES, the answer is unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your attitude on the subject) a resounding YES!!! Hence I gave it 5 stars. HOWEVER BE FORWARNED-

Over a decade of doing the RULES (and sometimes not) has taught me that the techniques work too well in that you will attract men who don't deserve your attention AS WELL AS men who do. You see, the RULES works because it feeds on the male ego's attraction to competition and "winning". So yes- you will attract more men and get more attention, but this will not only include attention from the great guy who finds you interesting and intriging, it also includes the shmuck who's always up for a challenge and due to a hurt ego or repressed self esteem issues, needs to prove to himself that he can succeed at getting someone who's somewhat unnattainable. The difference is that when the great guy "catches" you he knows he's lucky to have caught you and wants to keep you all to himself. When the shmuck thinks he has caught you however, he feels he has proven to himself that he's cool and therefore no longer needs you. He didn't want you... He wanted what you represented. The winning trophy. Meanwhile all the other girls who were pining for him overtly, but he wouldn't pay any attention to them because after all - they definitely wanted him- end up being saved the trouble of knowing him in the first place. This happened to me a couple of times using the Rules. It actually ended up ok, because once I figured out what they were doing I began using the rules to manipulate them into giving me lots of money. You'd be AMAZED how easily it works just using what this book teaches you. A guy will do ANYTHING to prove to himself he's still got IT!! Even give you everything he has!! Since they didn't have a problem manipulating me into wasting my precious time I had NO problem manipulating them while dating other guys. But that's just me. Is that what YOU want? Probably not. And the truth is that while my anger made me feel justified at the time, I really am not proud of it now. What's interesting is that the techniques in the book are wonderful gifts for the nice guys, but end up only mere manipulation devices when used w/ the wrong guys. Only those with plenty of RULES experience would really understand what I mean by that, but basically when you follow the RULES the nice guy (the one you want) is attracted to an 'essance' of you that is coming through loud and clear while you live your life the way you want. Mr. Wrong is only attracted to the mere challenge and to the idea of "winning" you so before you know it he actually becomes like a puppet and you all of a sudden find yourself holding the strings while he dances for your approval in the hopes of his false trophy. The book delivers, but a book called "The List" is a good companion for it and perhaps in fact a step above it if you're looking to get married.

Why I like this book:

1. Regardless of the critisism the book recieves for being Anti-feminist, it's in reality the most pro-feminist book I've ever encountered.

2. It teaches women not to pay much attention to men. It says you shouldn't even pay them enough attention to call them. Live your life- only better than before. Take care of your body, Do well in school, Be as happy as you can be, join groups, have fun on the weekends, work for that promotion- Oh, and there are these creatures called 'men' walking around and when you do these things they're going to notice you and want to talk to you and spend time with you.. You can if you want to. If you bought this book you probably do want to, but the point is to go about your day like you don't care whether they call or not. If you do care pretend that you don't, because the truth is, you shouldn't care anyway. After all, don't you have a promotion to go after? If he doesn't call, forget about him cause you have your own thing to do anyway. Someone else will call and then you get to choose whether he's worth your time or not. That ladies, is what this book is REALLY about. Those that think otherwise are too bitter to see it in the right light. And even those that hate it and have TRIED it will tell you it works. The only question is to what cost?

In my experience, The RULES are a great guide for women who want to date. It basically tells you in more detail to give yourself everything you deserve (healthy lifestyle, rich personal and profesional life, etc..) and the men will follow. It tells you not to divulge your life story in the first few dates (good advice. He hasn't EARNED the PRIVILAGE of knowing your personal shi* at that point yet.) And to not be exclusive to any one guy until you have a ring on your finger which is a pretty Pro-feminist idea considering it's pretty much what guys have been doing for centuries...and often even WITH a ring already on their fingers. The book says, that no boyfriend is worth your all your time- only a HUSBAND is. Every other guy is roadkill in your life path just there to help you have a good time. Pretty empowering for women actually. Like I said before though, it works a little too well as the techniques will attract Mr. Right AND some MR. Wrongs that want to know they got the girl that's 'hard to get' and pad themselves on the back for "winning". It's a good buy and it'll keep you busy on Friday nights, but for those of you that are really looking to get a ring on your finger I highly recommend you check out "The List".

P.S. I DON'T recommend "The List" for women who aren't 1000% sure they want to get married and settle down as soon as possible. This is because it has requirements like dropping any guy that doesn't call you within 24 hrs of meeting, etc...I think that's a great idea to go by if you're done playing games and want to start a family asap, but it's extreme if you're not positive that's what you want yet. If you're still in the dating mood I'd stick with The Rules.

This was probably the third time I read the original Rules and perhaps the second time that I read Rules II. Both parts of this book were worth a repeat.

Those who ribbed (and sometimes lampooned) the Rules did not seem to get the real point of it. This is not about strictly adhering to a list of items. It is about getting your own life so that you are not pre-occupied with men. It is about giving men limited priority so that you are not at their beck and call, which too often brings out the worst in them anyway.

If you cultivate appropriate self-esteem and your own interests, you will naturally live out the rules with having to make a deliberate effort to do so.

As you gain a better understanding of the male-female dynamic, your relationships with ALL men will improve, including family members, business associates, etc.

I appreciate the ground-breaking role that the original Rules played. It seemed to serve as a springboard from which other quality books were published that took the Rules dynamics even deeper.

This should be required reading for all females that are of an appropriate age.

Yes, I read this book, and Yes, I'm a man... that is "kind, sensitive, professional, likes theatre and the symphony, loves long walks on the beach" and all the rest of the things we're programmed to say by the "find a mate" industry... In my particular case it all happens to be true, but... I'm single. Why? Because any man with half a brain and fully functioning heart can spot this kind of manipulation... and why in the world would a truly good man think of spending the rest of his life with a woman that starts by playing games.

The saddest thing is, most of you are wonderful women who are just far too influenced by the yammering of other females instead of listening to your own heart. Guys are not all idiots when it comes to spotting this kind of behavior...

Sure, these "rules" will ABSOLUTLEY work most of the time... but they only work on the guys that really ARE shut off emotionally or are just plain shallow.

Most of us figured out a long time ago that authenticity is the only way to start a relationship and we have huge "hot buttons" that get pushed at the very first sign of female manipulations, (be they intentional or not)... and while some men (like me) run at the first sign of that... MANY of my friends will simply put those women into the category of "players"... "girls" that may be fun to hang around, date and bed but they aren't ever going to be "the one"... luckily, sometimes they are around long enough to truly show some authentic humanity... and in that case, most of us guys will "re-assess" and say to ourselves... "hmmm, maybe we can make something deep and lasting here..."

A woman that is her own person, independent, with her own ideas and interests (but also doesn't wear those traits like chips on her shoulders (which is just another form of "posing" if you ask me)) is what most of us want...

I hope this rant helps in some way (if you are in any way offended by my wording, please know there isn't any anger in this, just hope for clarity). I'm sure that these authors meant well when they wrote these "rules", but this is TERRIBLE advice to follow to attract anything but guys from "the low end of the male emotional and intellectual spectrum"... in some ways, though, I would recommend this book... IF you can read it and see the falseness in most of the "tricks" that are taught and you analyze the best way to NOT be that way, it can be very helpful.

Please.... just take care of yourself, be courageous, accentuate your strengths and legitimately deal with your weaknesses and you will be a wonderful, happy, interesting woman... and NONE of us knuckle-dragging guys can resist a happy, confident woman! ;-)

I have heard a lot of people complain that The Rules are old-fashioned, degrading, manipulative, and silly.

Do you think that men are always straight-forward and honest with their intentions? And that they are never manipulative? The Rules puts you at the controls so you can weed out men who are bad apples. There are ALOT of great men out there, but there are also some who aren't worth your time--especially not worth your EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT.

Sure, the rules themselves can be misused and played manipulatively. But any system can be misconstrued into something it's not intended to be.

I am dating a wonderful man right now. I used many of the rules on him, without even intending to! The essence of this book can be summed up as this: STOP TRYING SO HARD. You cannot "make" a guy like you, and you will only hurt yourself trying.

A lot of women say, "oh but you should just be yourself". Fine. You should "be yourself" at a job interview also, but there are some aspects of your personality that you present differently to a potential employer. It is the same with a potential mate, in the early stages of dating. You're not being deceptive or manipulative. You're being careful and smart.

Make smart choices. Read this book.

Have you noticed that most of the negative comments about this book are written by men? Well, there's a reason for that. Men don't want to feel "manipulated" or part of some strategic plot. Understandable. However, guess what? This book isn't written for them! It's written for women, only. No matter how hard men try, they will never know what it's like to be a WOMAN and not asked out, or to have men constantly ask you out, but then they all lose interest. It's too painful, so let's give ourselves an honest break.

These Rules aren't to deceive anyone, contrary to what some people may say. They're actually to transform and empower a woman. I'll admit, if a normally talkative/boisterous woman acts quiet just to get her man, then she's not being honest and that's wrong. The authors, Ellen and Sherrie, do not support that kind of behavior. They actually want women to work on their dating skills, like someone working on their cooking or writing skills.

How would a man feel if a woman frequently called him at 2am in the morning with her emotional issues? She talked too much and wouldn't get off the phone when a man has to work the next day? She quits all her extracurricular activities/hobbies just so she can pursue a man? Shows up at a man's doorstep one weekend without calling first and expects him to entertain her (even though he may have already had plans)? She nags or tells a man what to do, like his mother would?

Women don't really do that, right? Wrong! Heck, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I used to do some of those things myself, and I know PLENTY of other women that still do. That's the point! Even if some of the methods in the book seem a bit extreme, it's helping women (especially ones with low-self esteem or can't seem to get/keep a man) learn important skills of respect (a man's time) and about having a life of their own, which is very attactive.

My story: People were saying, "You're so smart, attractive, and talented...how come you're not married?" I definitely had men pursuing me, but then they seemed to ALWAYS lose interest. I used to think I was cursed or God hated me. Then a friend suggested The Rules book and it turned my love life around. Suddenly I learned how to keep a man by not being so obnoxious and pursuing him too heavily, and giving him the space a respect a man deserves. And it wasn't deception either. I worked hard to make these skills truly part of my life and not some false front to deceive anyone.

And guess what? I married an amazing man! He's tall, handsome, very intelligent (PhD), has a great job, superb personality and wit, and very much a gentleman. After his divorce, he seriously had women throwing themselves at him and pursing HIM! He would initially like these women, but they seemed so clingy and needy after awhile that if turned him off. Then when he met me, I was pursing an intense career, dating lots of other amazing men, and didn't have time to spend hours on the phone/computer bearing my soul to some stranger. He thought my confidence (which was sincere) was amazing and pursued me vigorously. Needless to say, he won my heart and the rest is history.

So, some may scoff, but honestly women, read the book and take it with a grain of salt. If something doesn't apply to you or feel right, test it out. If it doesn't work, don't do. Use your head and common sense. But there are lots of GREAT suggestions. And remember, this book IS NOT FOR MEN! Good luck, ladies, and I hope you marry the man of your dreams like I (finally) did!

It shifted my way of thinking so that I attracted Mr. Right w/out even looking for him! We've been married 10 years now w/ 2 kids. I'd give this book to anyone. A lot of it is about self-respect. It's a very positive message.

Here are some of The Rules (from a newspaper article about the author):

*Never call a man--it takes away the challenge; without the challenge, he won't be interested.

*Pause before answering an invitation for a date; answering right away makes you look desperate.

*Don't call a man, don't ask him to dance.

*The more you're interested in a man, the more you should ignore him.

*If the man doesn't continue to pursue you after you've ignored him, then you should forget him because he's not interested.

I have too much respect for women to put any stock in these "rules." If I show interest and a woman doesn't respond in kind, then I will respect that and be on my way. The Rules seems to be written by and for women who lack confidence in themselves and who are looking for the man to do all the work. These rules also assume men can read women's minds.

My best relationships have begun when both of us were equally enthusiastic about being together from the get-go. The Rules seem to encourage women to play games, rather than embarking on the matter of finding a serious relationship. Manipulation, in the end, hurts everybody. If you like someone, what's wrong with telling them, for goodness' sake? It'll save you both a lot of time. (In an interview after the book was published, the author admits that she broke some "rules" in finding her husband-to-be.)

If I were to write a dating book, I would simply tell women that you don't need to play games if you're looking for a good man. The good, decent guys are going to show genuine interest and will hope you do the same. If you call him or ask him to dance, he's going to be happy (like any normal human being). Showing interest means that you are good and decent, too, and the chances are that you two will have a good relationship.

I love this book! I first read it about 10 years ago, after my heart was completely obliterated by a boy who promised me the moon, and a big rock, and then turned into a huge inconsiderate jerk who took me for granted after I moved across the country to be with him (after me begged me for a year to move). In some ways, I am glad I didn't know the rules in that relationship. I probably would have ended up with that huge assh**e!

I am happy to report I am in a fantastic marriage of 7 years now, and I did use SOME of "The Rules", but I did not abide by them strictly. I reread this book last month before giving the book to my niece who is in her teen angst years. She has already started using some of the rules to protect her heart, and not wait around for boys who just don't value her. She doesn't chase boys anymore; that is, doesn't call them or try to talk to them at their locker/car, or wait for them after b-ball practice. The book has taught her if someone truly does value her and respects her, they will pursue her. I still use the rules with my husband if I ever feel he is taking me for granted. I stop calling him during business hours. I stop sending him love notes unless he reciprocates. I don't always answer the phone when he calls me. These little things make him yearn for me, even miss me. I always know that the rules work when he brings me home a "just because" card, or flowers. He also tells me repeatedly, "I really missed you today." I never feel unloved and if I ever feel I am being taken for granted, it doesn't last long! He knows I am not at his beck and call. By me having a life that doesn't completely revolve around him, he sees my value, and his attraction for me grows... even after 7 years!

I like the book's emphasis on having a full and balanced life, being self confident, and let the man be the man/"take the lead". From this book I learned that men are hunters and they do love to pursue. We as women should not make it too easy for them to bag and tag us. Women should create a fulfilling life no matter what situation we are in.

If you liked this book, or at least thought there was some good info in it, you may also like "The Secret" and other books on the universal law of attraction or the universal law of abundance.

I am a male, so, according to all of you women, I know absolutely nothing. But I thought that my words may help at least one of you. (or perhaps I'm just venting?)

I hate, with unmitigated passion and with the burning of a thousand suns, the woman who would treat my heart as a toy and my love as a game.

I am a man: thoughtful and passionate; strong and wise; responsible and free; full of constancy and feelings - real, deep, genuine, and true. And they are guarded (as I assume are yours) from anyone who may operate and manipulate themselves and others by any such "rules".

Play them as you wish, but we are not all fools to be played. Nor all we all players who play.

And I would ask that any who found advice in this book to not control simpler men like puppets. Your beauty and clever whit natually overcome ours, as our strength naturally overcomes yours. Take it easy on us. Thank you.