Alone in the Dark (Unrated Director's Cut)
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It opens with an explanation about the Abskani, an ancient civilization who apparently worshiped demons -- and were somehow destroyed by them. Fast-forward to the twenty-first century, and you find that the adage about "those who don't learn from history) is true: Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) is obsessed with using Abskani artifacts, and only Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), a clone of Agent Mulder, can hope to stop him.
Carnby is haunted by nightmares that are somehow connected to those ancient demons, and by experiments that Hudgens performed years ago. He teams up with his museum-curator ex-girlfriend Aline (Tara Reid -- and no, I am not joking!) to stop Hudgens from using some ancient statue to release interdimensional aliens, who may destroy the entire human race.
It's an exhibition of wooden acting, an orgy of silly ideas, a giant steaming pile of celluloid that should have been relegated to late nights on the Sci Fi Channel. In fact, it's difficult to understand why this video game adaptation wasn't relegated to the "Direct to Video" bins, along with all the other bad horror flicks.
Where to begin? What bad thing about this is the worst? Let's start with Uwe Boll's direction -- it's leaden and uneven, full of slow-motion and quick cuts at all the wrong moments. Apparently nobody told Boll that alien beasties jumping out does NOT count as a shocking plot twist.Read more ›
Christian Slater's character Edward Carnby has a serious problem. No, it's not appearing in Uwe Boll's film, although that would certainly classify as an insurmountable difficulty. Carnby's primary problem, first elaborated on in an introductory screen scrawl that roughly equals the length of the Oxford English Dictionary, involves an ancient race of technologically advanced people called the Abracadabras...er, I mean the Aldonovas...darn, the Abskani! Yeah, that's it, the Abskani. I think.Read more ›
1: They are all written in lowercase characters - and so are the account names of their posters.
2: They contain identical adjectives ("hot", "funny") and nouns ("action", "cast") as praises.
3: They share the same spelling mistakes (or are these inept attempts to impersonate an incompetent speller?)
4: They all consist of one sentence only.
5: They all come from freshly registered accounts with no reviews of any products other than UwEbola's film.
6: 90% of the account names of "these reviewers" contain references to an awkward musical genre which, if I recall correctly, is named "gangsta rap".
Ergo, only one question remains: was the person who registered all these accounts and posted all these reviews *ordered* to do so by, say, a Lion's Gate executive, or has s/he acted out of a foolish, misguided sense of loyalty to Uwebola?
"Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a private investigator specializing in unexplainable supernatural phenomena. His cases delve into the dark corners of the world, searching for truth in the occult remnants of ancient civilizations. Now, the greatest mystery of his past is about to become the most dangerous case he has ever faced. With the help of his ex-girlfriend, archeologist Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid), and his bitter rival, government agent Richard Burke (Stephen Dorff), Edward is about to learn that just because you don't believe in something doesn't mean it cannot kill you!"
According to the character of Carnby, fear of the dark is what keeps us alive. Sadly, however, fear of crappy movies doesn't keep us from renting them. Despite the horrible reviews, I decided to give into the temptation of renting Alone In The Dark (I had a free rental, so I figured there couldn't be much of a loss). It was even worse than I'd expected...
For one, the creatures that are unleashed from the depths of darkness -- or whatever cliche horse feces is shoveled around in the story -- are pathetic CGI dino-beasts. Anything interesting, frightening, or even simply "cool" about them? Nope. Just pointless computer-generated monsters that fail at entertaining the audience in the slightest way. For two, the acting is horrendous. Seeing Tara Reid on the DVD's main credits made me roll my eyeballs, but seeing her attempt to act as an archeologist in a sci-fi action flick just made me laugh. The only half-way decent acting is given by Christian Slater, but it's still not enough to cover up for the rest. And for three, the movie is terribly boring, with few action scenes.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Five ironic stars but still, this is a good B-movie to watch with friends and the commentary by idiot savant/director Uwe Boll is worth the price of admission.Published 4 months ago by Classified
Well if you don't mind cheesy sayings, one liners and really funny (they were trying to be serious I think) acting then this movie is for you! Read morePublished 6 months ago by K.T.
I find the vitriol associated with this movie puzzling. Is it as terrible as some claim? I've seen far worse. Yes, it is confounding at times. Read morePublished 11 months ago by Einsatz
If you like Aliens with Sigourney Weaver, you might like this. Creatures that just love to attack humans are cropping up a lot and it is up to a few bad boys to take them to heck... Read morePublished 23 months ago by Mark J. House
Mainly checked this out cause I was bored and thought "Ok, let's just see a movie that I'm sure will be bad and see just how bad it is." Well this was indeed a bad movie. Read morePublished 24 months ago by R. Jensen