Customer Reviews

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life

5 star:		(64)
4 star:		(22)
3 star:		(9)
2 star:		(9)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

Well-written; the best book I've read on the subject. The commentary on the social aspects of narcissism makes this author's approach relevant to every reader. Practical, realistic coping strategies as well as models for good-enough parenting. Great book for parents and teenagers to read together!

Synopsis: Narcissism is a healthy, necessary stage twice in a person's life, during the toddler and teen years, and gives an individual an inflated sense of confidence that enables him or her to leave the security of the parental bond to explore the world with newly acquired abilities. If children receive good-enough parenting when reality deflates this bubble of omnipotence, they reach the end of their narcissistic explorations with a newly integrated sense of self and awareness of the separateness of other people. If they are traumatized or are insecure in their attachment to primary caregivers at these crucial stages, they never "graduate" from the school of narcissism, and become "toxic people," viewing others merely as extensions of themselves and therefore without separate needs and feelings. You probably encounter narcissistic people every day without understanding why they are so rude, have an unfounded sense of entitlement, poor boundaries, or seem to be more "special" than other people. Many of us have been raised in families that pass down narcissitic vulnerabilities, leaving us prey to narcissists, who are always on the lookout for people who can be manipulated into supplying external validation of their "specialness," either by annexing you and your talents to serve them or by deflating you so as to inflate themselves. The current cultural endorsement and social approval of narcissistic traits also prepares us to be victims, even if we are otherwise psychologically healthy.

An encounter with a narcissist can disrupt your life and leave you wondering what on earth you could possibly have done to have earned such abuse. This book will explain who it's really about.

While the book does give a clear understanding of where narcissism comes from, other books have done that as well. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU?, however, provided me with validation that what I have been experiencing is, indeed, a narcissistic relationship. This was important because narcissists are excellent at taking their faults (or what they perceive as faults) and resulting shame and passing it onto their significant other. It is very easy to believe that they are right, thereby beginning the slow destruction of one of our most important assets, self-esteem. This book will teach you that it is not always about you and, in fact, in a narcissistic relationship, it is the illusions of grandiosity and perfection that the narcissist has, that will very likely lead to the demise of the relationship. While they may believe it is all your fault because they are perfect, this book will show you that it is not. I highly recommend this book to anyone who thinks they are in or have been in a narcissistic relationship of any sort. It will validate your feelings, I guarantee it.

Think you don't know a narcissist? Think again. Narcissists are everywhere particularly, in the public eye. Think about the Enron and Worldcom disasters. Do you think Skilling and Fastow or Ebbers and Sullivan aren't as narcissistic as they come? They fit the mold in spades. And how about our cultural obsession with these egotists? Aren't we somewhat awestruck by the "My ... doesn't stink" stars? From time-to-time, we're all a bit 'wowed.' I'm certainly guilty but perhaps now I'll have a better understanding of the circumstances surrounding the situations and 'icons' involved. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU is an extremely insightful expose' on the egotists in your world, whether mildly or flagrantly narcissistic. And, this 'disease' doesn't just apply to our public figures; it can be as close as your immediate family or, heaven forbid, yourself!

Narcissism derives its origin from a youth in classical Greek Mythology, Narcissus. The story goes that one day Narcissus saw his reflection in a pool of water and immediately fell in love with his image. From that very moment, he began to see everything as it related to his own image. The world was his looking glass and his insatiable appetite for himself took him all over the globe, and he was invariably pleased with what he saw. He left in his path a troubling wake which slipped like a fever through the people who saw him.

Ms. Hotchkiss has nailed this subject when she posits "Their needs are more important than anyone else's, and they expect to be accommodated in all things. They can't comprehend why they might not always come first." Narcissists are endearing, enticing creatures typically with extremely thick skins....but only to certain elements. Think about the guy or gal at the cocktail party who brazenly bullies his or her opinion on any and all subjects without any plausible evidence to back them up. Some find these people oppressive, some finding them fascinating. (As for me, I've just come to grips with the unmistakable fact that the breakup of a previous business partnership was due primarily to a case of narcissism. A childhood friend of mine who eventually became my partner was image-laden. Eventually, all things relative to our business became 'how did it benefit him?' Without knowledge of what I was experiencing, I became disenchanted and extremely angry. Perhaps if I'd had Ms. Hotchkiss's book at hand, I might have been able to craft an alternative path and save the partnership. Regardless, I have no regrets at this point.)

Ms. Hotchkiss doesn't necessarily offer any new information about the origins of narcissism but she does a fascinating job of portraying the disorder and the types of behaviors associated with this 'malady.' According to Ms. Hotchkiss, narcissists morph their personalities to suppress their internal negativity and by so doing, lose all perspective of reality. This plus the constant need for adoration and affirmation requires the personality morphing to achieve the adulation they seek.

Ms. Hotchkiss breaks the narcissist down for the reader outlining the attributes one should understand. She entitles these attributes, "The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" as follows: Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation and Bad Boundaries. Ms. Hotchkiss illustrates these qualities with profiles of the narcissists she's encountered throughout the book. The irrefutable moral of each story is that these people are missing out on what's really important. They are so busy loving themselves that they've forgotten to love anyone else.

While most readers will buy and read this book in order to deal with those afflicted in their own families, my primary purpose for reading this book was to get a better grasp on the affliction for those I deal with professionally. It is amazing how quickly one can identify potential problem clients or mitigate probable issues just by understanding that the person one is dealing with is narcissistic. Whether saddled with a narcissist personally, professionally or both (most of us will have both), WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU has something to offer for everyone.

Ms. Hotchkiss's insight into Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) finally gave a voice to what I have been thinking for many years. After attracting narcissists of varying degrees into my life, I always found myself in the end either in complete disbelief at the behaviour I had encountered and tolerated, or believing there was something deeply wrong with me. When I began reading "The Seven Deadly Sins" as she puts it which outline some of the major personality flaws of those affected by NPD, I just wanted to shout out "Yes!, Yes!, this makes it all clear!". While this book primarily focuses on how to identify NPDs, it does provide some insight as to why you may be the personality type that attracts these damaged people into your life and how to manage them. Ms. Hotchkiss writes with, and I certainly believe that she has, empathy for those troubled with NPD, however, she also is very firm in that they most often do not change, and in order to save yourself from a lifetime of being used and emotionally sucked dry, you have to distance yourself. This may not be the most in depth writing on the subject but, for those of you like me who know in your heart that there is something wrong with someone in your life, this book can be a real eye opener, give voice to what you know is there, and set you on a road to recovery. Highly recommend.

In classical mythology, Narcissus was a young man who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water and wasted away from unsatisfied desire. In modern terms a narcissist is a vain, self-absorbed, arrogant individual with a grand sense of entitlement. Narcissistic tendencies include the need to be perfect or in control at all times.

Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors are epidemic in our society. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that one out of every one hundred persons meets the criteria of severe narcissism.

According to the author, "our culture is full of narcissistic influences that numb us to the reality of the problems we face." In fact, unreality is the hallmark of narcissism. Their distortions of reality can cause others to question themselves and doubt their own perceptions.

Narcissists will go to great lengths to promote fantasies that sustain their grandiosity and omnipotence. Many prominent elected officials, sports idols, and entertainment figures are narcissists. They also head large corporations and lead flocks of the faithful. Many of us encounter unhealthy narcissism in some form every day.

Narcissists see themselves as "special people." They know better than you do. They are also very shame-sensitive. They avoid shame at all costs. They are unlikely to self-correct their intrusive or inconsiderate behavior just because you call attention to it. When failures occur, they portray themselves as victims and blame others for their misfortune. Gossip, backbiting, and bootlicking are prevalent in work environments dominated by a narcissist.

The narcissist sees power as his due. This is why many achieve management positions. In such positions they practice stretching employees until they break and then get rid of them. This is called "rubber band management." Narcissists are also very aware of shifts in the balance of power.

In this book author Sandy Hotchkiss presents an excellent general description of narcissism and covers how to deal with the narcissists in our lives. Knowing the narcissist's weaknesses and tendencies will help you effectively deal with narcissism.

Chapter 16 is titled "Narcissists at Work: The Abuse of Power." This chapter is well worth the price of the book. It covers the narcissistic problems of poor interpersonal boundaries, scapegoating, shameless exploitation, envy in the workplace, and ways narcissists seduce us. The chapter ends by providing four guidelines for survival with a narcissist in power.

If you find yourself working in a toxic environment headed by a narcissistic manager, you will want to read Why is it Always About YOU?.

Review By Dr. J. Howard Baker

I recently worked for a person with Narcissist Personality Disorder. It took me several months to figure out what was wrong with his behavior, but once I did, I saw that self-preservation was my only way out. Narcissists' behaviors are confusing, frustrating, depressive, and suck the life out of everyone near them. Compulsive liars with no conscience, they levy tremendous damage on anyone who refuses to give them what they want. Once you get away from a Narcissist, rebuilding your life is a challenge but can be done. This book is a good start to understanding where this personality disorder originates, and how you can cope and protect yourself from Narcissists.

The only thing worse then being married to a narcissist, is divorcing one. (Hell hath no fury like a narcissists' injury). And since my ex is the father of our son, I still must interact with him and his 7 deadly sins of narcissism. This book not only helps to identify the many shades of narcissistic behavior in a variety of settings; there are practical suggestions on how to deal with narcissists-- without getting pulled into their web of blame & shame. While this book did not deal specifically with narcisstic spouses that have been voted off the island, there are plenty of concrete tools and case examples. The chapters on how to prevent raising/creating a narcissistic child were also very enlightening. This book's a keeper.

Well, I had been dealing with a person with strong narcissistic tendencies which is what prompted me to purchase this book. What I really like that Sandy Hotchkiss does here is she gives us steps for dealing with narcissists: Know Yourself, Embrace Reality, Set Boundaries, Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships. She essentially debunks the myth that all narcissists appear to be arrogant and self-serving; while this is sometimes true, they often come as wolves in sheep's clothing and seem as nice as can be. What Hotchkiss points out is that when idealization is present in a relationship, as well as poor boundaries, you are likely dealing with a narcissist. Good things to know when you may think the narcissist will appear in the guise of "Me, me, me." They are completely self-absorbed, but they may not appear that way, which is why they can be very confusing. Hotchkiss also gives us a lot of excellent info on how narcissists become they way they are, narcissists and addiction, and how our society encourages and even promotes narcissism. An extremely interesting read, with easy-to-understand examples and down-to-earth language.

I admit I read this book in self-defense against two particularly toxic male narcissists who have been at the center of my adult life (not my parents!), and I found it very helpful indeed. Telling someone to "run like hell" is all very well, but suppose the person in question is a relative? A boss? Life doesn't always allow escaping such people.I appreciated the practical attitude of the author who understands this and the "seven deadly sins" approach is a effective way to explain this disorder to the person struggling to comprehend the utter frustration of dealing with narcissists. Outwitting them is sometimes possible, and awareness does help. And certainly there are degrees of narcissism -- not everyone hits all seven (although my two are textbook subjects -- narcissists' narcissists as it were). Hotchkiss's book is an excellent guide, but look elsewhere for help in developing self-esteem strategies. Hotchkiss does less well defining what kind of person is the narcissist's natural target -- why are _you_ drawn to such people? In all, a helpful tool but only a beginning for those of us struggling to comprehend this frustrating and devastating disorder and, in Hotchkiss's phrase, get out of the narcissist's web.

It was less than a year ago that I realized that the numerous and nameless issues I had with my parents, particularly my mother, did in fact have a name - narcissism. Since then, I have read a number of books, trying to get a handle on what this all means. Most of them were quite good and provided insights on their behavior and motivations. This one, however, was the best in terms of explaining how some individuals get this way, how it might affect those around them (all too many ways), and how to protect yourself from all of the emotional hits they will throw at you. The explanations were down to earth, indicating that the author has probably had all too much experience dealing with this problem. Her insights and understanding of the problems those around narcissists experience, both in family and work situations, is phenomenal. I just wish I had had these insights 15 years ago.