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I Am Not Ashamed [Paperback]

Barbara Payton (Author)
2.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)


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Book Description

February 1, 2008
One of the great "lost" autobiographies of Hollywood Babylon history, I Am Not Ashamed is the memoir of Barbara Payton, the 1950s film noir star who acted alongside greats like Jimmy Cagney and Gregory Peck – only to be fired by the studios for her wild (and very public) love-life... and ultimately walk the streets of Hollywood as an alcoholic prostitute. But, as she says throughout, she is not ashamed of her life. She achieved rare success in the Hollywood system and went down in an archconservative era, when McCarthy threatened the country’s free speech and Hollywood producers ran terrified of even a whiff of scandal. When Payton's boyfriend, actor Tom Neal, pounded a concussion into his effete romantic rival Franchot Tone, the whole incident went public and made Payton the Hollywood bad girl - too bad, as it turned out, for Warner Brothers to handle. Describing her downfall, Payton also talks about her relationships with Cagney, Sinatra, Peck and other big names.

Lost for decades after its original 1963 release, I Am Not Ashamed leapt back into the limelight when Jack Nicholson lent it to Jessica Lange to help her prepare for her part in The Postman Always Rings Twice. Now Holloway House Publications has finally released this classic Hollywood tell-all.


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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Attention all would-be actors, actresses, musicians, singers... Don’t let Barbara Payton’s sage advice fall on deaf ears." -- Dave Patrick, Spectator Magazine, June 15-July 1, 2004

"Barbara Payton has recorded a slice of Hollywood history in this readable book, indulging the reader in sinful gossip..." -- Players Magazine, June 2004

"It's a tawdry and riveting memoir." -- Grant Menzies, Willamette Week, August 2004

From the Publisher

What if a star like Jennifer Garner or Charlize Theron were caught by The National Enquirer in a moment of graphic violence? If E!’s cameras captured her as she watched one of her lovers brutally pummel the other in a fit of rage, giving the actress herself a black eye in the process?

How would she handle it? Avoid the press, call her publicist, contact a lawyer? She’d be unable to control the thousands of images of her horrified face flooding magazine stands and Internet sites around the world, but the publicity would undoubtedly help her win more roles and hike up her fee per picture – after all, what man wouldn’t want to see her in a half-lit love scene now that flashbulbs had fed off her denials, dresses and tear-filled apologies for months?

If that’s all true, then the times have done more than change – they’ve earned a martyr and her name is Barbara Payton.

It was Payton’s bodybuilding actor boyfriend Tom Neal who pummeled a brain concussion into the effete thespian Franchot Tone while Payton looked on in 1951 (her willingness to accept engagements from both of them for weeks no doubt fueled the men’s anger). Yet their fight ended up being more crippling to Payton in the long run.

Only a few years later, this beautiful blonde star who’d acted alongside the likes of Jimmy Cagney in Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye (1950) and Gregory Peck in Only The Valiant (1951) would be dumped by Warner Brothers for her scandalous sexual adventures (remember, the studios controlled and contracted stars in those days). Then she’d slip down the grease pole of her new profession, high-class prostitution, until she hit concrete bottom – the street – and ended up selling her body for just $5 a trick.

But was Payton’s decline really a sign of the times? If so, she could hardly have picked a worse decade in which to reveal herself as a sexual "alley cat in heat" (as Neal supposedly described her). Any sexual deviancy was considered dangerous in the 1950s, so much so that a Republican Party chairman once claimed that "Sexual perverts... have infiltrated our Government in recent years," and were "perhaps as dangerous as the actual Communists." Much post-war propaganda, fueled by fears of nuclear war and images of happy couples setting up bomb shelters, emphasized the importance of a good family – anchored by a kind, submissive, domestic woman – as the key to keeping society stable in dangerous times.

Payton couldn’t have cared less.

In 1951 her shocking publicity blitz had barely begun. Next stop on her media train was a rush of stories about her visit to Tone’s hospital – by fire escape, no less – with what looked like martinis in hand to keep him happy while he healed. They even hitched up, but their union didn’t last much longer than the cases of vodka it took to fuel it.

This odd coupling of a Mae Westian, crass, lusty woman and a classy, wealthy movie star ground to a disastrous halt after only 53 days, when Tone filed for divorce on charges of "mental cruelty." Their reconciliation and inevitable blow-out was worthy of even more press attention, when Payton hurled a telephone at Tone and allegedly tried to kill herself on sleeping pills while he looked on in horror at a New York Hotel.

Even the Kinsey Report (which revealed the dirty secrets behind white Americans’ sex lives in the late ’40s and early ’50s) would have labeled Payton’s behavior "outside the norm." Warner Brothers agreed. President Jack L. Warner dropped Payton from the studio and left her to wander through the professional abyss of pitiful B-movies like Four-Sided Triangle (1953), Bad Blonde (1953) and The Great Jesse James Raid (1953).

Yet her personal life wasn’t stable enough to sustain even a low-grade career. That same year, her violence-and-alcohol charged relationship with Neal broke up and they went their separate ways, Neal to the eventual murder of his third wife and imprisonment in California in the 1960s, and Payton to the Los Angeles nightlife, where she turned to prostitution, drugs and finally the meager survival of a hooker on Sunset Boulevard.

But was her decline really a result of the 1950s? Would she have led the sexual revolution of the ’60s instead of being its martyr, if she’d only blossomed some 10 or 20 years later? Most signs point to yes.

The public support that kept Hollywood suffocated by anti-Communist paranoia started to weaken as early as 1954, when Army attorney Joseph Welch made his famous retort to Senator Joe McCarthy, "Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?" A few years later, postwar wife and mother Betty Friedan wrote her groundbreaking The Feminine Mystique, urging women to pursue careers of their own and breathe life into old ideas of female independence that had been discarded after World War II.

Soon America would be trumpeting the likes of Gloria Steinem, Shirley Chisholm, Janis Joplin, Lolita, legal abortion, the pill, the Equal Rights Amendment and on and on; surely Payton could have thrived in the glimmer of this cultural flashpoint.

But was it just that – a flash? Did that cultural revolution peter out somewhere in late 1979? Would Payton really fare much better as a sexual outlaw today, where pre-packaged stars politely parade their boyfriend du jour up fancy red carpets? Would she fit in while unapologetically pitting one lover against the other, publicly boozing it up, attempting suicide on sleeping pills and rejoicing in her bad publicity?

Maybe the old adage is as true today as it was then, that a woman has to keep her sexual adventures secret if she wants the public’s respect – while a man (like Charlie Sheen) can count his lovers in the thousands and get nothing but a blink of an eye in return, and that probably a knowing one.

But Payton would prove such stereotypes passé on today’s Planet Hollywood. She’d find herself labeled right alongside the Courtney Love/Angelina Jolie bad girls and be enjoyed for what she is. After all, Pamela Anderson’s homemade foray into pornography didn’t hamper her primetime career, and J.Lo’s star didn’t really sparkle until she was arrested with her then-boyfriend Sean "P. Diddy" Combs in connection with a nightclub shooting in New York in 1999.

Who knows? If booze and drugs were to take the shine off a 21st century Payton, she might end up another Anna Nicole Smith on reality TV or a nasty girl living it up as an "alley cat in heat" in the now-hip world of porn.

But at least she would have a reason to live.

Neal Colgrass
Los Angeles, 2004


Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Holloway House (February 1, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0870671081
  • ISBN-13: 978-0870671081
  • Product Dimensions: 6.7 x 3.9 x 0.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 4.8 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 2.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,997,924 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

 

Customer Reviews

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Average Customer Review
2.5 out of 5 stars (8 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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41 of 43 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars Heavily Fabricated But Fascinating In A Prurient Sort of Way, March 2, 2005
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This review is from: I Am Not Ashamed (Paperback)
Born in 1927, Barbara Payton arrived in Hollywood in the late 1940s and copped a contract with Universal, where a small role in the 1949 film TRAPPED drew good press--but even so she proved extremely hard to handle, and Universal was not sorry when Warner Brothers beckoned. It proved a good move for Payton as well, who delivered a memorable performance as James Cagney's vicious babe in the 1950 film KISS TOMORROW GOODBYE. The film put Payton on the Film Noir map in a big way, and at the time many thought she was poised for major stardom.

They reckoned without the lady herself. Payton was an extremely unstable woman who proved considerably less interested in her career than in sex, booze, and drugs--and her shot at stardom came and went with amazing speed as she indulged in one unsavory escapade after another. Her last film was the 1955 MURDER IS MY BEAT, and she thereafter quickly drifted into prostitution. By the early 1960s her going rate was five dollars per trick.

In 1962 Payton was in the headlines again--this time because a knife wielding john had slashed her stomach open. It was just enough publicity to tempt the publishing industry, which paid Payton one thousand dollars to make tape recordings about her life. Heavily edited and significantly rewritten, the resulting "autobiography" I AM NOT ASHAMED was published in 1963. It was not a success, and Payton herself, now largely forgotten, died in 1967 of heart and liver failure.

These are the basic facts of Payton's short life and shorter career, but you won't find many of them in I AM NOT ASHAMED, which is both very spotty and very sloppy--and that's throwing roses at it. Although Payton was said to have had affairs with everyone from Bob Hope to Gary Cooper, you won't find a mention of such, nor will it tell you anything believable about the night her boyfriend Tom Neal beat the blazes out of her fiance Franchot Tone, an incident that pretty much finished Payton in Hollywood for once and all. This may be because Payton was too far gone by 1962 to give any realistic account of her life; at the same time, the possibility of lawsuit was very likely a factor. Whatever the case, the result is considerable innuendo and little more.

That said, however, the whole book is so completely prurient in an early 1960s-pulp way that it is actually quite interesting to read. It may not give you the facts, but it does seem to distill Payton to the page; you can't help being shocked and often disgusted by her various stories, no matter how vague the details often are. And ultimately, you cannot help but feel sorry for the pretty blonde girl who self-destructed in the garden of earthly delights all those years ago.

GFT, Amazon Reviewer
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars I AM ASHAMED..., June 7, 2008
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...for the time that I wasted in reading this book. Barbara Payton was a Hollywood bad girl during the very conservative nineteen fifties, who managed to derail her career in short order. As a starlet who streaked across the Hollywood skyline, she had her fifteen minutes of fame and then hit terra firma hard. She went from earning ten thousand dollars a week to turning five-dollar a night tricks in a relatively short period of time. By the time she "wrote" this book, she was little more than a wino whore, living in a rat and roach infested, flea bag apartment.

Repetitious and poorly written, this autobiography, first published in 1963, is limited in many ways. Barbara Payton spends a great deal of time talking about booze, men, and sex, and little else. Other that her affairs with and marriages to actors Franchot Tone and Tom Neal, no other names are mentioned. Innuendo and fake names are the rule for this supposed "tell all" book. Other than her actual film roles, it is difficult to ascertain just what is fact and what is fantasy in this book. Appealing solely to one's prurient interest, as it offers little insight into her life and its decline, this autobiography simply reads as if it were pulp fiction.
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4 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars Poor Barbara Payton!!! Sad story., August 4, 2008
By 
amoviefan (Fort Lauderdale, FL USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: I Am Not Ashamed (Paperback)
First read Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye (excellent book). Then read this one by the actress herself. Reading her drunk ravings gives you the entire pathetic picture... Very sad. She was a mess at this point. You'll find yourself shaking your head and wondering how any publisher could exploit her when she was so far gone. It's terrible to call a mentally ill, drug addicted, alcoholic such bad names as some reviewers have. I hope she's resting in peace now.
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Inside This Book (learn more)
First Sentence:
Some people say, "I can remember back to when I was four years old." Read the first page
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Barbara Payton, Tom Neal, Miss Warren, New York, Franchot Tone, Jimmy Cagney, Gregory Peck, Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye, Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, James Cagney, Las Vegas, Miss Summers, Mexico City, Sunset Boulevard
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