Customer Reviews

Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

At one point while I was reading this book, my wife asked me, "How's the book?" I said, "I've had to stop reading and brush away the tears nine times so far."

The first several pages of the book constitute one of the finest examples I have ever read of what Aristotle meant by ethos and pathos as powerful elements of rhetoric. Professor Boss masterfully and unpretentiously builds our confidence in her character and credibility from the first paragraph. Then she quickly grabs our hearts and never lets go.

The humility with which the author presents her thesis is so utterly refreshing: no pontificating, no posturing, no attacking or discounting beliefs or experiences different from her own.

But what touched and gratified me most of all is the extraordinary grace and sensitivity Ms. Boss has achieved in this work. Into and among the facts and conclusions, the science if you will, she has woven powerful, heart-wrenching stories and personal experiences--all of which are further enhanced by her deft references to beloved works of art, literature, poetry and music. What a rich, vibrant tapestry! Or, in light of the warmth, honesty and and lack of self consciousness in her writing, maybe it would more accurate to compare the book to one of her Grandmother Elsbeth's quilts.

As I remember, one quote on the jacket said that this is a "healing" book. That may very well be an understatement. And the application is universal. I'm sure my tears came in part from my recognition of several instances of unresolved ambiguous loss in my own life.

I am grateful to Pauline Boss for touching my heart deeply, for creating a new awareness in me and for helping me to begin some of my own healing.

Here's how I would rate this book if I had the flexibility to do so: five stars, if you need to prove to someone in your life that there is such a thing as ambiguous loss; three stars if your family is suffering the pyschological loss of a family member through a disease such as Alzheimer's; and two stars if you are trying to name or process any other ambiguous loss, from a parent who disappeared after a divorce to a miscarriage to a friendship that melts away.

Be warned: You will not find in these pages much practical advice for dealing with ambiguous loss. Boss's main goal seems to be convincing other therapists and laypeople that ambiguous loss exists. The one concrete step she advocates is family sessions with one or more therapists in attendance for illness-related losses, mainly Alzheimer's.

In non-illness related loss, the book is weak. Boss skims by the effects of a father or mother disappearing after a divorce; families with a history of cutting off family members; the fading of once-close friendships; loss experienced after the ending of an illicit relationship; or rejection in professional situations. She acknowledges these are losses but not how to approach them as such.

In short, if you as an individual already know you are grieving an ambiguous loss and want specific help in dealing with that, you'll find this book disappointing. You'll do better to purchase books on grief/the grieving process.

Dr. Boss's book landed in my hands quite by accident, at a time when my closest friend moved away. I was devistated, and I was totally unprepared to deal with my emotional and psychological reactions to the situation simply because I didn't understand the reasons for them. Dr. Boss helped me see my grief as natural and normal, and gave me a footing to rebuild on. The stories of immigrants were most affective in my case; but other stories of ambiguous loss situations also helped me to deal with my ex-husband, and with my father's slow death. I have come to realize also all the little ambiguous losses we live with everyday. They are not death; they are part of life.

I just finished reading this book and I found it quite moving and helpful for those who are dealing with caring for Alzeimers patients. It also explains in detail on ambiguous loss of families of MIAs and those who are immigrants. It also gives some good insights on families who are dealing with family members who are slowly dying. She offers hope for families who are dealing with these issues.

While I am appreciative of her recognition that those who are touched by adoption deal with ambiguous loss, she really did not give it the attention that she gave other cases of ambiguous loss. As someone touched by adoption, I found it lacking and therefore I am taking 1 star away for those who come to this book seeking answers to adoption issues. I came away with the feeling that she had limited knowledge of adoption issues. She tended to concentrate on topics close to her heart and related to her research area. I would really like to see a book that deals with Ambiguous Loss in Adoption in more detail.

If adoption is not a part of your experience, but you are dealing with those in your life who are physically present, but not psychologically present, or who are psychologically present, but not physically present, this book can be a good first step.

The book could have been far more in-depth than it is.

I found this book to be wonderful. Ambiguous Loss is a hard subject to tackle and answers are not black and white. Pauline has given me a new insight to kinds of loss different than my own.

This book has very inspirational ways to deal with one of the hardest losses a person can face. Since this kind of loss is different for everyone solutions are different for everyone. I feel they are covered.

I am recommending this book for everyone I know! A Must Read!

But this one explains what's going on in a way that makes it easier to take: Oh, that's why I feel so___. Some parts of loss just will not be resolved. The person experiencing the loss has to change his/her attitude toward the loss because the fact of the loss itself isn't going to change. As one who has lost my partner psychologically and physically to brain damage, this book was comforting. It validated my feelings, making me feel I'm not bad to feel abandoned (for instance) because frankly, I am abandoned in a lot of ways. The suggestion for a ceremony to put a period on the loss is intriguing. I felt better after reading it, and want to go back through it again and take notes about thoughts/ideas I'd like to print up and hang where I can see them often and think them over again.

My wife and I read this book as part of our research for our book on adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs). It helped explain the chronic dysphoria many of these individuals experience growing up with a parent who is physically present but emotionally unavailable. Subsequently, we've found the book helped us better understand the experiences of waiting wives and families in the military whose loved ones are deployed to war zones for extended periods of times. We just completed a book for women who are trying to help depressed men in their lives and who, because of their spouse's melancholy, are suffering from ambiguous loss as well.
We believe that Dr. Boss has come up with a very helpful concept that has improved our understanding of the stresses imposed on loved ones who are trying to help and cope with mental illness, addiction and deployment. This book is a reference that should be included in the library of anyone working in the field of mental health.

Doug and Deorah Bey

Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

I thought I had read everything there was to read on grief and loss because I have written extensively on it. And then this book came along when I was (am) wrestling with the feelings of having a terminally ill spouse. This book is absolutely outstanding and I will be quoting it a lot on my blogs and in my future work.

I didn't even know this sort of grief had a name. Emotions are so confusing. Thank you for this book. I also have used a grief journal, Write from Your Heart, A Healing Grief Journal to help me heal. It helps to write my feelings down.

I think this book is a must. We all have ambiguous or losses that are not resolved. When people we love die, that is a loss , but one that is not ambiguous that's a definite loss. Ambiguous loss happens when people are still in our lives, but are not present anymore either physically or psychologically. I think Ms. Pauline Boss made a real and valuable contribution to potentially millions of people's lives, when she identified ambiguous losses, researched it and wrote this book to help us cope with it.