Customer Reviews

The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette : 50th Anniversary Edition

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My mother has a copy of the original edition, so I grew up treating Vanderbilt's work as a constant reference for social graces. Naturally, I was overjoyed to learn that a new edition had made an appearance. Unfortunately, I was disappointed.

With no disrespect intended to Tuckerman et al for their fine work, this once-great guide is a shadow of its former self. It is no less accurate than it once was, but is unfortunately much more base. Do people really need to be told not to leave dirty dishes lying about, for example?

As a guide to minimal civilized behaviour--how not to behave like a spoiled child--it carries the tradition of excellence. However, for the finer points of etiquette, I strongly recommend tracking down a copy of the 1978 (Baldrige ed.) edition of this great reference.

By far this is the most comprehensive work on modern etiqutte. It is not particularly a book that you should read cover to cover due to its vast size, but it lends itself to an excellent reference manual for everyday affairs. I would highly recommend this for the office.

Out of all the helpful information in this book, I found the following most helpful: etiquette with cell phones, answering machines, and call waiting. Proper etiquette at weddings, funerals, and other religious rituals. Etiquette at the office and with meeting new people.

In a world where we are often greeted with a "yeah?" when using the phone, this book is a breath of fresh air. Simply a must for the social person!

*The motto of New College, Oxford, founded in 1379. I've appreciated this saying since I first saw it years ago. My claim to be conversant with this subject is based on my interest and reading, a semester course in etiquette required at my girls' prep school, living in a foreign country for two years (England) and successfully dealing with my students and their parents from different Asian cultures. And having married a naval officer, I learned a bit about protocol. I also enjoy the novel of manners -- Austen, Trollope, Dickens, Waugh, and so forth.

It seems an important thing to me not to make another person feel awkward; and just as important that I not feel so either. I happened to pick up a copy of Vanderbilt's "Etiquette" at my library's book sale. This oft-revised but essentially unchangeable prescription for correct behavior is not at all the best in the field. Emily Post's "Etiquette" is better written and deeper in thought: older copies even have a period charm. That book allows more flexibility and offers more examples of possible situations. Vanderbilt's is cut and dried, not particularly imaginative.
But still it could be of good use to many people. It could be consulted by a young person, or one trying to learn American ways or perhaps a couple planning a wedding -- still a highly ritualized social occasion. This is for people who tell me they are too busy to be polite, or imply they have too much money, (or not enough), to express courtesy. So an etiquette book is enlightenment to the uninformed but verification to the initiated.

Here are some sample quotes:

Letter of Apology --
"Occasionally you may need to send a letter of apology.... An apology of a more serious sort, when someone's feelings were hurt, are often difficult to put in writing and may be better explained in person".

Swearing --
"Everyone knows the same relatively few swear words, but not everybody uses them.
If you listen to people you admire, you'll hear few swear words."

"Asking why a man or woman doesn't have children --
They may not be able to have a child or they may have chosen not to have children. It may even be a painful subject. This is also not a question that should ever be asked."

I didn't think these examples were acceptable, but had to check if the rules still held. They do.
And here lies the rub. I don't say such things myself but when I decline to answer similar nosy questions, I am coolly informed that I make the questioner uncomfortable by my refusal! Can a well-mannered person ever win at this social game? Things have gotten bad in general, and they're getting even worse on the dating scene. The amount of shameless probing considered acceptable is now limitless. Then, as likely as not, my questioner doesn't recall what I was actually willing to discuss.

Recently, I was obliged to have an insurance medical exam and at first I was annoyed, but then I had a different thought. I could get the results and put it together in a packet with my resume, dental records, series of photos over the years, family tree, financial records, etc, and a 15-page completed questionnaire, and hand it over to my inquisitive suitors for their perusal. As William Hazlitt wrote: "When other people have no manners, they have you at their mercy".

Thoughtful manners approach aesthetics and morality. Lying, for instance, is shocking bad manners, apart from the ethics of it. To me, it's always been a deficiency in world religions that they say nothing at all on this subject. I mean, so what if it's an honest person who screams at me? I will still flee her presence. Mocking and humiliation are not listed in the Ten Commandments, folks. "Treat others as you would wish to be treated" is the essence of kind manners but an after-thought in western religions. Books of etiquette and behavior are often considered shallow, unimportant, jejune. I can't agree. Manners make the man .. and woman.

Also recommended:
The Miss Manners books by Judith Martin
"Better than Beauty: A Guide to Charm" by H. Valentine
Anything by Debrett's

I purchased this book last year for Christmas for my Mother. This was on her Amazon wishlist. the book was cheap and shipped very fast. Not to mention the price is great for how big this book is. Will definitely take some months to read. My mother enjoys this books, reads it often, learns a lot, both her and I would recommend the purchasing of this book.

Excellent reference for the proper to the ignorant. Great gift for those who spout manners and etiquette but wouldn't know it if it ran them over, send anonymously of course!

When in doubt, this is the book that comes out first. My husband and I pulled it out several times during our engagement to find out "how" we should do things. From setting the table to working with kitchen staff help this book has it all. (Now if I could just afford the staff!)

This book is vry informative and really has some great information. I wish more people would read it and learn a little!

Let me just say that before this book I was an absolute disaster. Poor posture, the wrong lipstick, you name it. But then I wised up and picked up a copy of this book and it did wonders for my rather uncouth appearance.

I am a friend of Mrs. Tuckerman and she worked really hard on this book. I read this book all the time. I use it for every occasion. Give these great ladies some credit, they want to be a little old fashined then it's thier choice. If you don't like this book then don't read it or buy it. I am a devoted fan of this book. Mrs. Tuckerman is the sweetest and coolest lady her age. I myself am a asipring writer ( I write fun news type stories).