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22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Gary Chapman's Anger, January 3, 2009
Chapman begins his book by defining anger. He states it is "a response to some event or situation in life that causes us irritation, frustration, pain, other displeasure." Chapman continues:
"Anger is fed by feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection, and embarrassment. Anger pits you against the person, place, or thing that sparked the emotion. It is the opposite of the feeling of love. Love draws you toward the person; anger sets you against the person."
Chapman also establishes, early in the book, that not all anger is bad. In fact, Chapman asserts, it is the proper reaction to injustice and evil. Chapman writes:
"...each of us has on some level a concern for righteousness, fairness, and justice. Whenever we encounter that which we believe to be unrighteous, unkind, or unjust, we experience anger. I believe that in God's design this anger is to motivate us to take positive, loving action to seek to set the wrong right; and where there has been a relationship, to restore the relationship with the wrongdoer."
Chapman is careful to add that this does not give us license to "do destructive things" or to hurt those who wronged us. Rather he is merely explaining that anger "originates in the perception that something is wrong."
Chapman then makes a key distinction between two different types of anger: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is when we've been wronged and are angry for good reason. If someone cheats us in a business deal, pokes us in the eye with a sharp stick for no good reason or lobs live hand grenades at our vehicle while we're driving home from work we would probably be angry - and for good reason! These are all examples of definitive anger and are valid reasons for getting angry. However, distorted anger is when our anger is "triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood, or any number of things that have nothing to with any moral transgression." When we are experiencing anger of this sort, Chapman says, it is not valid.
Chapman then delves into the meat of the book: how to handle these differing types of anger. Chapman prescribes two different ways of handling anger: one way each for definitive anger and distorted anger. When handling good, or valid, anger, Dr. Chapman offers five tips:
1)Consciously acknowledge to yourself you are angry;
2)Restrain your immediate response - Avoid the common but destructive responses of verbal or physical venting or their opposite, withdrawal and silence;
3)Locate the focus of your anger - Identify the words or actions of the other person that have made you angry;
4)Analyze your options - Ask yourself: Does the action I am considering have any potential for dealing with the wrong and helping the relationship?;
5)Take constructive action - If you choose to "let the offense go," then, in prayer, confess your anger and your willingness to turn the person over to God. Then release your anger to Him. If you choose to confront the person who has wronged you, do so gently.
However, Chapman writes, dealing with distorted anger warrants a different approach. Because distorted anger usually stems from misunderstandings and poor communication, Chapman recommends this four-step process when handling distorted anger:
1)Share information - Tell the other party your concerns and talk about it.
2)Gather information - What are the facts?
3)Negotiate understanding - Express your struggles; listen.
4)Request change - Do not demand or manipulate.
Other chapters in the book deal with more specific types of anger including anger directed at your spouse, children, yourself and God and several chapters dealing with forgiveness.
One thing I learned from this book is that anger is also internal; not merely external. Yes, sometimes anger does express itself in external ways but, by the same token, anger can be just as harmful when it is internalized and allowed to fester in one's heart. Chapman writes, "I have also heard more than one wife say, `I hate my husband,' and I've heard husbands express the same about their wives. Without exception, hatred does not develop overnight. Hatred is the result of internalized anger that remains planted in the heart of the individual."
Another thing I found extremely helpful was Chapman's idea that it is never good to express anger in unhealthy ways, regardless of where it's directed. For instance, I previously thought it was good to work out anger on a pillow or a punching bag, thinking I was venting in a healthy way since I was releasing my anger on an inanimate object that could not feel pain. Chapman believes, however, that such behavior only trains one's self to grow accustomed to expressing anger through an unhealthy and explosive manner. He asserts:
"Some years ago it was popular in certain psychological circles to believe that releasing anger by aggressive behavior could be a positive way of processing anger if the aggression was not toward a person. Thus, angry people were encouraged to beat pillows, punching bags, and dolls or to take their aggression out on a golf ball. However, almost all research now indicates that the venting of angry feelings with such aggressive behaviors does not drain a person's anger but actually makes the person more likely to be explosive in the future. Explosion, whether verbal or physical, is not an acceptable way of handling one's anger."
In Anger, Chapman offers practical advice for dealing with anger in constructive, healthy ways that draws heavily on his years of experience as a professional counselor. For anyone who struggles with a quick temper or short fuse, like I do, or anyone who internalizes their anger leading to feelings of bitterness and resentment, I believe this book is a good place to start to begin to change these unhealthy and destructive actions and behaviors. Throughout Anger Chapman does a good job of explaining why the Biblical method for handling anger and forgiveness is the healthiest and most effective way of dealing with this powerful emotion.
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12 of 13 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Anger management at its best, July 15, 2008
I got this book specifically because Gary Chapman, a Christian therapist and author, wrote it. His book The Five Love Languages has been an inspiration to many couples seeking a way to make their spouse feel loved and to also make the reader aware of what makes him/her feel loved. His Anger book has left me where I can start managing my anger instead of stuffing it down inside. Funny how in the Bible, God and Christ express anger - but we're told as Christians that it's not a "good" emotion and we should "turn the other cheek". There is a time and a place for everything. If you're angry, then do what you have to in order to come to terms with that anger and deal with it in a healthy way, not the way most of us were taught as kids. The lessons in this book are the groundwork for a healthy life, in whatever circumstances you find yourself. As with any book, read the full description, as it will clue you in as to what the author's motivation is. Chapman is a relationship therapist and his work is phenomenal. He's also a Christian and teaches how to deal with anger in a healthy way, instead of holding it inside until you are ill or you just totally lose it. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants a way to express anger in a healthy, constructive way. Too often, we use our anger to hurt others. This book, although based on Biblical teaching, can offer something to anyone who wants to stop the anger cycle and repair the relationships with those around them.
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13 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Very Helpful, April 6, 2008
I did not realize how much anger I was holding on to and the effect it was having on me. I was able to see and admit my anger and then offer it up God. I feel a lot better and happier.
I will be able to use what I read and apply it to the future as well. I learned ways to recognize my anger and constructive ways to resolve underlying issues.
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by Gary Chapman
by Gary Chapman
