Customer Reviews

Angry Men, Passive Men: Understanding the Roots of Men's Anger and How to Move Beyond It

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Angry Men, Passive Men - understanding the roots of men's anger and how to move beyond it. This excellent volume is replete with personal stories, examples from real life men's support groups, and knowledgeable advice from a practicing therapist. It was, apparently, first published as "In the Company of Men."

Mr. Allen presents material here that may not at first seem new to anyone reading in men's studies these days. But the added value is in the second half of the book where, after convincing us that there are serious reasons to consider why men suppress their feelings, he gives us some ideas of how to break through the barriers. He explains how we will be able to open up to a full range of feelings if we simply stop accepting "the rules written on The Man Box" we're in.

Just as the women's movement has begun to dismantle the systemic reasons for being put in "the Woman Box," men are encouraged to review how and why we are so well indoctrinated by society to fill the stereotype of "man." We have to start at home and in the society at large to correct limiting views while saving the good aspects of being male. "What men need to do," Allen tells us, "is draw some distinctions between beliefs and behaviors they want to keep and ones they want to discard. For example, they may see that being able to hide their feelings in a poker game or in the middle of a business deal works to their advantage; there are times when it's important not to show your hand. But hiding their feelings from their wives and their friends keeps them isolated and alone."

I suppose the best recommendation, or review, of this book I can give you is to mention that I have ordered a dozen copies (from Amazon.com of course!) to give to friends and to use in my own men's group. I recommend this excellent work for any man or woman interested in learning more about the male psychology.

The book was good at describing how a man may have obtained his anger and was insightful. It did lack the father who was hostile in a psychological manner through manipulation, subtle verbal abuse, and unfair treatment in comparison to other siblings. There was a mention of obvious verbal abusive but nothing on subtle abuse. What about the man who wasn't physically abused or told outright that he was a loser?? Also, the chapters on love relationships were geared toward the passive angry man and did not take into account the angry man who uses things like verbal abuse and control against his spouse. Men who are angry are often abusive themselves. The controlling man already has control over his "dominion" and the wife does not get to pick the "furniture", etc.... To an angry verbally abusive man telling him that he should have his way at home when he already has control issues will only make things worse. It is good to address the passive man who never speaks up but there was a lack of attention to the angry man who will only allow his way. Lets not go to extremes in either the Men's movement or Women's movement. Each individual is valuable. The book does not talk about how to create mutuality and work as a partner or team (compromise in decision making). It merely talks about men taking control. This book may be good for the passive man who is angry but may further enhance characteristics of the man who is the "nice" guy to everyone outside his intimate relationship and a controlling verbally abusive guy to his spouse. The book would be much better if it had addressed the issues of a mutual relationship and the extreme of being vebally abusive versus speaking up. Speaking up for oneself does not mean disregarding your partners feelings or desires. A relationship should involve both parties making decisions and compromising when there is a difference of opinion.

Marvin Allen's straightforward, easy-to-read style of writing makes this book a must for anyone who wants to understand why men think and act the way they do, and how they differ from women emotionally. Many clients' stories and first-hand accounts help illustrate the points the author makes. The appendix offers additional resources for further study/help. As a quote on the front cover states, this is especially "a perfect book to give to a man who is suspicious of therapy and therapists" as well as a must-read for the women they love.

I found myself agreeing with this author all the time. He describes the background of why men seem to be unable to connect with their wives, children, parents on an emotional level and, more importantly, what to do about it. My only complaint is that he does not really tell us men what concrete steps to take next. On the positive side, there are numerous examples of behavior and conversations that were symptomatic of how men dig their own emotional graves. I can only recommend that men, and especially also women, read this book to understand men better.

Marv Allen provides an insightful journey through male psychology. I found the book very helpful.