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All I Know About Animal Behavior I Learned in Loehmann's Dressing Room

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I love Erma Bombeck. She is the best author I've read. This book continues that tradition. Every chapter is a laugh. The best part is, you can reread and reread the book and still laugh. Only Erma could do such a thing.

Heard the taped version of Erma Bombeck's ALL I KNOW ABOUT
ANIMAL BEHAVIOR I LEARNED IN LOEHMANNMN'S DRESSING
ROOM . . . this is a collection of 38 pieces where she compares and
contrasts animal behavior with that of the human species.

Not everything hit the mark, but those that did had me laughing quite
a bit . . . for example, when she compares the show-off behavior
of gorillas to the attention-getting ploys of Madonna, Howard Stern,
Roseanne, and other "professional exhibitionists, I kept thinking to myself
that there are indeed amazing parallels.

I also liked her observation about the fact that the female elephant
calf carries here calf for 660 days before giving birth and continues
breeding until she is 90 days old . . . however, Bombeck says not
to feel too sorry for the elephant; after all, her height enables her
to carry the extra weight quite well.

And then she tells the story of four dolphins who got lost and
were trapped in a New Jersey river. Of course, she contends, they
had to be men . . . which leads to the author's advice on ending
all wars: "Let men give directions on how to get there."

Bombeck, who died in 1996, was always one of my favorite
humorists . . . this book will help remind you just how funny she
was . . . narration by Barbara Rosenblatt was fine; however, I would
have preferred hearing the author herself.

Of all the animals, man is only one that blushes -- or who needs
to. He is also the only one that laughs, or at least that's what
the naturalists claim. Perhaps it is because we humans are the
funniest of the animals, and who better to point that out than
the late Erma Bombeck?

In "All I Know About Human Behavior I Learned in Loehman's
Dressing Room", Bombeck shares some of the observations made by
the naturalists and then shows how humans are alike. The female
elephant, for example, carries her calf for 660 days before
giving birth and continues breeding until she is ninety years
old. But Bombeck doesn't feel too sorry for the elephant; after
all with her height she carries the extra weight quite well!

In the old days pregnancy was a real event in a woman's life; she
was told to give up exercise and could eat whatever she wanted.
Today, however, she has to exercise more than ever and everyone
is watching what she eats. Birth is so ordinary that a female

jockey delivered only a few hours after her third race. Surrogate
mothers made the old joke "Are you pregnant? No, I'm carrying it
for a friend" reality, and frozen embryos are part of the divorce
settlement!

Another notice tells of four dolphins who got lost and were
trapped in a New Jersey river. Of course we all know they had to
be men. Bombeck knows how to end all wars: "Let men give
directions on how to get there." Why don't men ask for
directions? It would compromise their masculinity.

Of course animals are involved in many laboratory experiments.
After wondering who got their permission, Bombeck continues: "I
have never been in a laboratory where mice are involved in
research. So when someone tells me they are being used to test
the effects of cigarette smoke and alcohol and the consequences
of too much sun, I have to believe there's a group of mice
sitting around the pool, smoking and drinking Mai Tais and
working on a tan."

When she thinks of animal speed, she thinks of the IRS cashing
your check (the fastest animal on earth) and giving a refund (the
snail is faster). When she reads about the devices that are used
to track animals in the wild, she remembers the various
electronic devices we have to stay in touch. What should you
record on that answering machine? "We're not home right now?"
That's obvious. "We'll return your call?" What if it is a
aluminum siding salesman?

This is not a connected narrative, but a series of sketches, each

based on a different piece of information about the animal
kingdom. As a result, you can read this in a hurry or stretch it
out. There are a few dry places, but this is a good book to bring
with you while you are waiting for your appointment with the IRS.