Customer Reviews

Arachnia

5 star:		(0)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

This is not a great movie, but it accomplishes what it sets out to do, which is capture some of the fun of a B-movie from the '50s and '60s. Thare are two passable performances, but mostly horrible acting. What makes the movie are Brett Piper's stop-motion spiders. If you get the DVD, I recommend only waching it with the commentary track on. It drowns out the bad, boring dialogue and the terrible acting and you learn a little about low-budget filmmaking.

But, if we did, ARACHNIA would be the second or third movie on the screen.

Yes, it's pretty terrible. The stop-motion animation of the spiders was oddly refreshing in an age of CGI-crazy SFX.

I wish the movie had had more of a sense of humor about it. Not some lame SCARY MOVIE stuff, just some straight-faced winking like the bad drive-in horror movies I grew up on (such as PIRAHNA and the king daddy drive-in classic, HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP). They weren't great movies by any means but they delivered good times: cheap scares, rubber monsters, nudity.

I've got to be honest: two of the three stars are for Alexxus Young, the "sci-fi diva" who has her own website. She looks great naked and I commend her for surviving a plane crash into mutant spider land and immediately wanting to strip and bathe. That's the kind of B-movie heroine that makes me stick around for the worst of movies.

I also liked the female lead, a beautiful African American girl who takes charge and completely avoids all stereotypes.

This is a bad movie but it would've been fun on a drive-in screen.
But we don't have drive-in theaters anymore.

In my hometown, there's a little greasy spoon which specializes in burgers.

The burgers are nothing spectacular. They're about the size of White Castle burgers and you can get four of em for a little less than two bucks. They're fast, they're cheap and most people would probably call em godawful.

But here's the thing. They taste great and me and a whole lot of folks keep going back because, when you get one, you know exactly what you're going to get.

"Arachnia" reminds me a lot of those burgers. It's fast, cheap, and you know exactly what to expect from it. That's why it's surprisingly good. Maybe it's just the fact that I recently caught this film on latenight cable and, as a result, came to it with vastly lowered expectations. Nevertheless, I was shocked at how much this film DOESN'T suck.

Granted the special effects(and I use that term loosely here) are strictly of the 1950s horror film variety, the hokey script offers nothing you likely haven't seen before in dozens of giant bug movies, and the acting just barely rises above that of a better than average high school play.

But if you're a fan of Ray Harryhausen-style stop motion animation, seeing it used in a 21st century film, can't help but tickle the nostalgia bone and frankly comes off as kind of sweet. And the script is enjoyable precisely because it IS so damn predictable. And the acting, though high school level is nowhere near godawful.

There are too big reasons to see this film, the first is Rob Monkiewicz as the film's hero, a pilot for hire with a heart of gold. Other reviewers here have pointed out that Monkiewicz comes off as a little too smart for this movie, almost like a law school student slumming for some extra cash to pay off those huge student loans. It's a valid argument but this actually works in his character's favor by painting a portrait of a smart guy who maybe made some bad choices and is now just trying to keep his bills paid.

The second reason is Irene Joseph as a no nonsense personal assistant who actually turns out to be the sharpest AND toughest character in the film. Joseph, incidentally, is African-American but the film's script and her performance wisely eschew any of the hackneyed, over the top "sista girl" mannerisms and slang that are seen all too often in African-American characters in movies of far bigger budgets.


While the total budget of this film probably wouldn't even buy a day's worth of catering on Peter Jackson's "King Kong" it's always impressive when a director makes movie work even on a shoe string. While I don't think I've seen any of Brett Piper's films prior to this one, I'm now interested in checking more of his stuff out.

Arachnia is far from a classic. In fact, I don't even know if I can recommend buying it to any fan operating on a tight budget. But if you've got a little extra dough burning a hole in your wallet you could do far worse.

The movie is good, maybe not as good as 8 legged freaks, but
it does have some good creature actions, big spiders , little
spiders, hungry spiders, and a few scenes that were so well done
that they actually scared me ... turn the lights low and get
your popcorn ready ....for a fun movie...

At one point in this spoof reminiscent of the b-movies of the fifties, the lascivious professor calls his two bimbo students The Doublemint Twins. These two (played with horrible abandon by Bevin McGraw and some unnamed starlet) are a hoot to watch, they are definitely el stupido. (Their lesbian scene is unnecessary, but not surprising!). The spider monsters are fine, when viewed from a distance; only when there are close-ups are they obviously fake! But Rob Monokiewicz as the studly hero is fun to watch; he looks like a law student, but his quiet understated performance should have gotten him more roles. Irene Joseph as the professor's assistant is pretty fun, too. Dan Merriman as Deke is awful, but not to the point of absurdity. Brett Piper directs with his tongue in his cheek, and ARACHNIA, though not a classic, is a fun time passer.

10 Fangs, 8 Legs, 2 Claws, no hair
Maybe they should have called it CRUSTACEA
It's a piece of crab

This is acrually a good movie with good action in the middle and the end of the movie. Cheesey special effects. Alot of good old scienfiction monster violence from the old fashion classic B movie shout gun fighting scenes to the newer more recent bazakos and grenades. Brief use of the Chainsaw fighting techinque mad famous in older horror movies of the time such as Mosquito and Texas Chain Saw Mascure. In the movie a bounce of college student on there way to a dig in Arizona durring a metor shower. There plane is hit by a shock wave of a falling metor and falls to the sky. Shortly after word giantic spider about the size of Shelob from the Return of the king about 25 meters in length emerge from underground. After one of the kids is ripped in half. The spiders attack the house adducting on of the female students. The fight there way into the cave and rescue the female student. Then out of now where the military shows up armed with grenades and bazakoos blow the creatures to bit. Like in eightlegged freaks there is a giant female spider about 2 maybe three times the size off the others give birth. The spiders our destroyed or our they? To find the answer watch this actioned packed by cheese movie. If you like this kind of movie I recommen Eight Legged Freaks, Spiders I and Spiders II, The Deadly Mantis, and Them, and Archanid and Mosquito. There is also Monster Island, and Marbutao which i'm not sure is avilable. Monster island had a good plot but very cheese special effects and not alot of action. A word of warning even though this is a monster movie it is R rated and has some adult material in it specifically, Violence, sexuality in one part, some mild cursing occasionaly and some nudity in a couple parts were bubbs and other body parts are exposed for thoose of you under 17 I recommend you watch the cleanner movies such as Marbutao or Eight Legged Freaks that have no sexual stuff in them. Should fine for 17 and up.

How do you judge or rate an individual film's worth? That's the question I ask myself every single time I sit down to type up a review. Should I compare this film with CITIZEN KANE or THE GODFATHER or some other film generally regarded as one of the finest cinematic accomplishments of all time? That hardly seems fair, especially since I'm usually dealing with horror or kung fu flicks. So then, should I judge it against some ideal of GENRE perfection as they do in a cat show where they compare every single cat against the specifications for perfection within its own particular breed? Persian against Persian, Siamese against Siamese? Then at the end of the day all breeds compete against each other for Best in Show. Well, that's not very fair either because it doesn't take the low budget independent films into consideration. In the end you still wind up judging a house cat against a Persian--an indie against a blockbuster. BATMAN,THE DARK KNIGHT against CURSE OF THE QUEERWOLF.

After much thought on the matter my criteria for judging any film no matter the genre (which I seem to repeat at any and every possible opportunity) is this; How much did the film makers manage to accomplish with the resources at their disposal? Obviously the standard is going to be higher for those with a lot of money available to them for the simple reason that they have absolutely no excuse NOT to turn out a first rate film. They can hire the best actors, writers, technicians, anything and everything they want is right there at their beck and call. The only justifiable reason for failure under those circumstances would be either lack of talent or excessive interference by the people who control the money. However at a certain level the latter ceases to be a problem and we are left with only one conclusion: They should be watching movies, not making them.

My criteria for low budget film makers is the same, but since their resources may often be limited to how much they can squeeze onto their own credit cards, I am inclined to feel a lot more generous toward them and their films. Mark Pirro for instance turned out his classic 8mm film A POLISH VAMPIRE IN BURBANK for well under $8,000! Although I've never heard its budget, Peter Jackson's BAD TASTE was filmed while he was still in high school so I doubt that a lot of money was spent on it. And at the head of the low budget wave, almost like a nouveau Roger Corman, is Brett Piper who has turned out an impressive number of cheap flix over the past decade or two. Among these films is ARACHNIA, one of my favorites, although one of the lowest rated of his movies here. Go figure. Arachnia has everything I look for in an entertaining film. Its made with the same sense of fun and adventure as the giant bug movies from the 1950's and features Piper's trademark stop motion animation of the titular arachnids which come in all sizes up to and including as big as a pick-up truck. But let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Our story opens with a small plane crashing when the concusion from a nearby meteor impact knocks it out of the sky. Our survivors include; heroic pilot Shaun Pachowski (Rob Monkiewicz), Professor Mugford (David Bunce) an expert in vertebrate palentology who was flying to a dig in Arizona, Chandra his more than able personal assistant(Irene Joseph), grad student Deke (Dan Merriman) whose purpose is to provide comic relief and possibly spider fodder, and the Doublemint Twins (Bevin McGraw and Alexxus Young) whose purpose it is to provide adolescent male stimulation vis a vis some girl on girl and, possibly become spider fodder too.

Our intrepid group decides to hike 50 miles in the dark to where the nearest town is supposed to be, and so off they go towards their date with animated destiny. Fortunately they encounter one of those conveniently located deserted cabins that every movie seems to have and they decide to call it a night. But not before the Doublemint twins get in a little bath time and the opportunity to show that they have not as yet availed themselves of the services of a plastic surgeon. This is approximately the point at which the cabin's owner shows up, Moses Cobb by name (James Aspden). He gets an eyeful of Twin and then repays everyone by showing them what he has out in the barn. A GIANT DEAD SPIDER! The Professor of course points out that its a fake and is forced to sleep in the barn with it for his poor manners. (Moral: Don't be rude to farmer's with Big Dead Spiders.) Later that night the saxophone music starts and the Twins get to show why the got hired for this movie in the first place.(I think there might have been a longer version of this scene, since mine ends rather abruptly, thank God) And that's when the spiders decided to ATTACK EN MASSE, I guess they'd had enough g on g too.

This movie really is a lot of fun if you'll just ease up and let yourself go with it. Both Irene Joseph who plays the Professor's beautfiul, take-charge African-American assistant and Rob Monkiewicz, the heroic and extremely well-built pilot who seems much too smart to be in the situation he's in, are Piper regulars. They both bring more humor and believeability to their roles than one would expect in a low budget film, and why shouldn't they? They're hardly novices anymore. Dan Merriman is a bit irritating as the comedy relief, but then he's supposed to be. David Bunce as the Professor is every bit the arrogant academic the role calls for, and the Doublemint twins, well, they have all the right parts for their parts.

It's always a joy to see stop motion animation in this world of over-blown, over-utilized, heartless, sterile CGI. I don't care if the animation would have to improve 100% in order for the spiders to look even vaguely realistic. I admire the people who take the time and the effort to animate the old way--it has more soul. And I just have a soft spot in my heart for these goofy looking arachnids who have more eyes than any spider has ever needed before. And when you add the heroics of Rob Monkiewicz, Spider Slayer, wielding his chainsaw and looking for all the world like Bruce Campbell on steroids to the picture--well, you've made my week!

Does this movie make sense? Kinda. Is it fun? Definitely. Will you like it? I think you might. Will it kill you to try it? I seriously doubt it.

The dvd has only Spanish subtitles which was a drawback for me. I like to watch movies late at night and I use the subtitles to help keep the noise down. It is letter-boxed. It has a commentary track, and a not-very-special behind the scene featurette showing some of the spider manufacturing process. (Piper also does his own stop motion work.)

ARACHNIA

Written and Directed--Brett Piper
Special FX--Brett Piper
Cast: Rob Monkiewicz, Irene Joseph, David Bunce, Dan Merriman, James Aspden, Bevin McGraw, Alexxus Young

This is the worst film I've ever had the misfortune of viewing, and this is coming from the guy who gave CHUPACABRA TERROR 5 stars. This film deserves -5 stars.

Some bad CGI meteors knock a plane full of brain-dead college students out of the sky and causes it to crashland in the middle of nowhere. The dimwits inside leave and wind up in a little shack belonging to a crazy old farmer.

Next thing you know, giant spiders start popping up every few minutes.

The stopmotion used for the spiders looks to have been done by a four-year-old. The script appears to have been written by a six-year-old. The actors have the talent of a deaf chimp, and put about as much energy into their roles as a sloth.

This film also rips-off many other better movies such as EVIL DEAD and ALIENS. The DVD transition is mediocore at best, but at least the special features include three trailers and a making-of featurette. But these aren't enough to make up for this beyond-horrible piece of cinematic trash.

During a meteor storm, a large meteor explodes on a mountainside and opens a system of caves. The explosion also causes the crash of a small airplane carrying an archeologist and some of his students.

It is cold and dark and they are far from any sign of civilization but get lucky when they find an abandoned shack. Huddling in the shack leads to a gratuitous bath scene and then introduces a new character; an old man who owns the shack. He takes the survivors back to his house and they make the discovery of the giant arachnids (but not until after a gratuitous lesbian scene).

The spider-like monsters need to be stopped. The are social creatures and not loners like true spiders.

In the end things work out in a fashion as these movies usually do. The acting is not as bad as others have said, but it would have been nice if the casts "beauty" was actually pretty. The old man is a hoot and the archeologist is fun to hate.

The creature are done in a marvelous stop-motion style (with some full scale models) reminiscent of The Black Scorpion. The critters are good, ut the sets are obviously small models.

Fun in the B-Movie style and sure to please fans of cheesy movies. A body ripped apart and plentiful nudity make this one unsuitable for some.