Customer Reviews

Are Those Kids Yours?: American Families With Children Adopted From Other Countries

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This book explores many of the practical and ethical issues of adopting internationally and implications this has for newly created multi-racial families. This book will disabuse you of the 'we-are-a-clourblind-family' mentality and discusses very real isues children experience as they grow up in multi-racial families. I found it to be sobering, and I gained new respect for families who decide to take the international adoption route. Many of the stories she relates deal with the well-documented case studies of US-Korean adoptions, so for parents starting out in the adoption process, it is nice to gain insight into how others have handled the situations that are unique to this kind of adoption.

This is a great read, an important read, just sobering at times. Don't adopt internationally without reading this book.

Register's thoughtful discussion of what international adoption can mean to a family and to a child should be a part of the reading list for any family or individual considering adopting internationally. This is not a "how-to" book, and Register specifically recommends that if you are looking for information about the details of adopting from any specific country you should find up-to-date sources that focus on those issues. This book focuses on the life-long implications of international adoption, and helps families think through the meaning of their decisions. Register adresses such issues as these: What does it mean to be an interracial family? What have been the experiences of families who suddenly become the target of comments and stares? What is the experience of a non-adopted sibling when a child of another race is adopted into the family? What are the ethical implications of wealthy (by global standards) Western families adopting children from poorer nations? How can potential parents avoid and detect situations which promote exploitation or coercion of birthparents? How can we help our children develop a meaningful cultural identity without personal experience of part of their cultural heritage? What does it mean to a child to be "rootless" without identifiable genetic heritage? How can our personal experiences as adoptive families help to make a difference in the lives of those siblings and cousins and crib-mates of our child who are still living in orphanages and/or on the street in their home country?

Despite the discussion of some difficult and sobering topics, Register's book comes across as very positive toward international adoption. Register herself has two daughters adopted from Korea, and she shares many of her experiences and the joys that she has had in raising them.

Many of the anecdotes in this book feature children adopted from Korea, but the issues apply to children from a variety of cultural backgrounds. The Korean context is particularly helpful in that the children who were Korean war orphans are now adults, and Register was able to interview adoptees of a variety of ages, including those adults, and the insights of these older adoptees about their experiences and what they wish their adoptive parents had and had not done is particularly helpful.

Overall a very thought-provoking book, and one that will help potential adoptive parents think beyond paperwork, furnishing a room, and getting passports. Highly recommended.

We are planning to adopt a baby from Korea, and I found this book very helpful in making that decision. Much of the author's focus is on Korean adoptions, since she adopted her own two daughters from Korea. I loved reading about the history of Korean adoption. The author also details the types of issues that can arise in a transracial/transcultural adoption: family reactions, prejudice, the feelings of the adoptee, etc. In many ways, I found it sobering and I went from being just plain old excited about our adoption plans to really thoughtful about what it would mean for our family. Adopting internationally is not something to take lightly and you cannot adopt and then "pretend" that the child is your birthchild. Adopting internationally requires a willingness to become a mult-cultural family. This book was very effective in getting me to think about if this is what I wanted. Ultimately, we have decided to go ahead, and I feel more confident and knowledgable since reading this book.

This book is wonderfully and sensitively written. The reader is encouraged toward meaningful reflection on the child's experience of growing up in an interracial family. Practical advice, soul-searching questions and obvious pleasure in parenting characterize the issues and stories in this book. You owe it to your child and yourself to read this book. Very helpful for adoption professionals as well.

I read this book at the beginning of our journey into International adoption. The book starts with the motivation for international adoption and moves through the stages until Ms. Register concludes with grownup adoptees and their view of the world and themselves. She includes both experiences of over 30 parents and adoptees themselves. She asks thoughtful questions such as "How do you feel about mixed race marriages?" Ms. Register causes one to reflect on issues that may occur in the future. That's what I liked about her writing. I highly recommend this book to everyone considering adopting from another country.

This book is an introduction to some of the major issues involved in foreign adoptions. It is written for perspective adoptive parents, their family members and friends. Register takes up each of the major issues in turn, and she has based the book both on her own experience as a mother of two girls adopted from Korea, and on anecdotal interviews with adopted children of various ages and their other family members. She starts the book with the motivations for foreign adoption, from the plight of the abandoned or relinquished children, to the parents whose reasons for adoption may range from altruism to pure selfishness. She goes on to describe how the children may be matched with parents, and then the pivotal event in the families' lives, the moment when the child joins the family. Next comes a discussion of how new family ties are constructed, then methods that various parents have used to inform the child about the adoption experience. As the child grows older, major identity questions come to the fore, and children may choose to seek out their biological parents and homeland. The book closes with a chapter on the global family, in which Register stresses that foreign adoptions should only be seen as temporary measures, while the real goal should be to ensure that every child is able to grow up in his or her homeland with a loving family, enough to eat, and meaningful educational opportunities. At the end of the book is a list of recommended readings for further information, as well as a list of child welfare, advocacy, and adoption organizations.

Register takes up some of the negatives of adoption as well as the positives. She describes how foreign adopted children have many more opportunities for education than they would have in their homelands, and they are certainly much more likely to be well nourished, both physically and mentally, following adoption. But she also points out the burden placed on them by being taken from their home countries, where they look just like everyone else, to becoming minorities once they are here. Their parents, family members, and friends, may soon see them as just another kid, but strangers will give them odd looks, and bullies will taunt them.

The one point where I disagree with Register is in her downplaying of the genetic component in personality. At one point, she takes up the issue, and cites the example of two outgoing parents who were mystified at how their adopted daughter could be so quiet, since she grew up in their home and family. But she dismisses this by saying that environment does indeed play a large role in personality development. Environment undeniably plays a large role in a child's development, especially in the early years, where a poor environment can result in lifelong difficulties. On the other hand, as a child gets older and hormones start kicking in, the genetically programmed aspects of a person's personality begin to play out more and more. Perhaps Register wasn't aware of this, given the 1990 publication date of this volume, as much of the research on genetically controlled aspects of personality has been relatively recent. In any case, differences between parental expectations, siblings' behavior, and an adolescent adopted child's behavior can lead to major problems for the child and the family, and this is one issue that really should have received more attention in a book of this kind. Parental expectations are also sources of major anxiety when the question of higher education arises. Most of the parents of foreign adopted children are middle and upper-middle class, but the children come from a wide range of backgrounds, mostly working class or poor. Middle class parents are generally college-educated, and there is some expectation, stated or not, that their children will attend and do well in college. Certainly, this is what parental dreams are based on- -even Register herself says that she has such dreams for her own children. But each child has a unique set of gifts and talents, and for many foreign adopted children, their strengths are in fields other than academics. They may put in a valiant effort at academics, and certainly, many succeed quite well in competitive colleges. But others feel defeated by their parents' unreasonable expectations. This, combined with feelings of confusion, abandonment by their birth mothers, and rejection by a society that is only now beginning to recognize its inherent racism, can lead to enormous psychological burdens. This isn't to say that foreign children shouldn't be adopted, but that parents need to be aware from the outset that their children's future will be a complete unknown, and the adopted child's young adulthood may start much differently than their own.

This is still the best book around on the subject of preparing for the challenges of raising internationally (and transracially) adopted children. Register is a graceful writer, and this book is a pleasure to read. That said, the book is badly in need of updating. The majority of international adoptions now take place in China and Russia, areas that weren't open to adoption when this book was written.

(I'd also like to see it finally made available in paperback.)

Most of what Cheri Register has to say was very informative and helpful. I bought this book wanting to either reaffirm our decision to adopt internationally or for it to bring new realities to light and scare us away from it. I am happy to report that we are still planning on going through with international adoption.
I especially liked Register's thoughts on how to help your internationally adopted child deal with their differences and how to handle nosy intrusive outsiders who question you in public- very insightful there. She also goes into great detail about attachment and bonding issues in toddlers. I have experience with attachment disorder children, so I can say that what she writes is 100% accurate.
I do think she overemphasized on Korea a bit much. That is where she adopted her children from. We are interested in Korea, but for someone who isn't, this might get redundant. I would have liked to see her have equal emphasis on countries.
I will agree with another reviewer, that her last chapter is preachy. I don't agree that it is our responsibility to continue to support our child's birth country. Is it really necessary to continue to send funds to that country? My first emphasis will be on my adopted child and household, and maybe ocassionally supporting that country, but not on a long term constant basis.
So, I do recommend reading this book, but watch out for the last chapter and don't expect to get a lot of information on each country available to adopt from!

At the start of our international adoption process I ordered any, and every, book I could find on the subject. When I received "Are Those Kids Yours?: American Families With Children Adopted From Other Countries", I could not put it down.

Thus far, this book has been the most valuable resource to me. It gave me a better understanding of the international adoption process, as well as some of the struggles we are about to face; both with adopting abroad and becoming a multi-racial family. Ms. Register provides real-life examples of different road-blocks that she, and other families have come against, as well as how those situations were handled.

The interviews with several families built through adoption, as well as Ms. Register's personal experience, shed a candid light on how to deal with intruding questions and awkward stares from strangers. She also reminds us that sadly, bigotry still exists in today's society and provides us with ways of dealing with the matter in our minds, with our children and to the public.

Ms. Register also addresses the different emotions felt by adoptive parents as well as adopted children through the entire process. The book provides an honest portrayal of some of the emotions involved in international adoption, which leaves the reader knowing that they are not alone in the way they feel.

This is a book I will not be selling any time soon. I know that as we go further through the process and raise our family, I will use this book as a reference over and over again. I highly recommend this book to anyone adopting abroad or raising a multi-racial family.

This book is not intended as a practical guide on how to adopt internationally but addresses the paradoxical nature of adoption and the ethical questions inherent in international adoption. It will make the general reader and adoptive parent of children from another race more sensitive about honoring the child's original culture.
My first reaction to the title "Are Those Kids Yours?" was: "Yes, some people are really rude to ask such a question of parents whose children look decidedly different from them." The author asks "How many other parents are regularly approached by strangers demanding to know, `Are those kids yours?' She thinks that this question reflects the paradoxical nature of adoption itself and while she answers the question with an "unqualified yes" she lives with the paradox that "they are mine, yet not mine." The title of her book suggests that international adoption complicates the issue of entitlement because the child "race remains unchanged. A Korean-born girl named Bridget O'Leary is still Asian to the world-at-large, and that facet of her identity needs to be affirmed and nurtured." Children's ethnic group, race and nation of origin all are involved in the competing claims of entitlement, not simply between birthparents and adoptive parents. Gisela Gasper Fitzgerald, author of ADOPTION: An Open, Semi-Open or Closed Practice?