Customer Reviews

Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I found "Arousal" to be a fascinating analysis of sexual fantasies. Through the use of case studies - the feminist whose biggest turn-on was the idea of being be raped by a custodian, the man whose fantasies involved turning invisible, the fellow who imagined having sex with a bubbly, underage highschool student, and many more - Bader ably demonstrates how a psychoanalyst who is sensitive and open-minded might go about understanding the genesis of a patient's sexual fantasies and turning these insights into something of therapeutic benefit.

Each of the fantasies profiled has a very logical premise that Bader explains clearly and believably. For instance, the feminist fantasized about being raped because she felt stronger than most men, and only in the arms of the fantasy rapist - who was all muscles and ruthless about taking what he wanted - could she just think about herself and surrender to her own excitement. With her own husband, she didn't feel nearly as comfortable about being selfish sexually (she was instinctively sensitive to his feelings), and thus didn't experience the same level of arousal as in her fantasies.

Bader makes an interesting distinction - between people who have fantasies, and people who act on their fantasies. I would have enjoyed seeing him go into greater detail in this area. However, his explorations regarding the background of various common fantasies - domination, submission, masochism, sadism, fetishism, underage, invisibility (and myriad others) - more than make up for this lapse.

This book is wonderful for anyone who is curious about the underpinnings of their fantasies, or who is interested in how a psychoanalyst might dissect those same fantasies (and then put that understanding to work). The book is fascinating, provocative and well worth checking out.

The thesis of "Arousal" is that psychological safety is the basis of the bewildering variety of sexual fantasies and preferences -- that the self sets up circumstances in which it feels safe to experience the power of its own sexuality. The way in which each of us does this differs according to our backgrounds. Our relationships with our parents are particularly important -- the elements and experiences in those relationships that made us feel safe or unsafe emotionally directly affect the way we experience our sexuality.

Thus, we can interpret sexual fantasies just as we interpret dreams: as symbols within which our complex needs and fears are encoded.

This book presents an enlightening perspective from which we can begin to understand our own sexual fantasies and preferences. Dr. Bader goes in-depth in exploring guilt, worry, and shame in sexuality; discusses the paradoxical nature of arousal -- the need for both selflessness and selfishness, for instance -- and presents a number of case studies to illustrate.

I'm not certain why other reviewers thought this book was too simplistic. Certainly the central thesis seems simple enough, but I found myself having difficulty following the internal logic of the patients in his case studies -- women who fantasize about being raped, cross-dressers, people who are into sadomasochism or "golden showers," etc. Although everyone seeks emotional safety, the variety of ways each person achieves this is staggering.

As someone who constantly searches for aids to my self-awareness, I had two basic reactions to this book. One was, "Duh, why didn't I think of this before?" The other was, "Wow, this is good stuff." To have an experienced therapist explore the topic in detail helped me to see the depth and complexity of what seems to be very simple on the surface, and provides a solid starting point for those who want to explore the issue more in-depth within themselves.

I had always been ashamed of my secret wants in intimate relationships--now I understand why I have them, what they mean and most importantly I no longer feel the shame I associated with them. AROUSAL should be required reading before someone starts dating or enters a sexual relationship. I wish I had this guide in college.

I was fortunate already to be familiar with Dr. Bader's academic writings. The same qualities of original thought, humor, and pragmatism are featured in this book for a general audience. Among clinicians, Dr. Bader is best known for his ability to wade skillfully into highly philosophical debates and drag theoreticians back towards a focus on helping people with their struggles. In this book, he ventures into areas of shame and secrecy and once again finds perpectives that are useful, accepting and liberating.

Haven't we all been with people who have sexual fantasies about which we haven't a clue as to why they turn them on? Like a former boyfriend who made me dress up in the classic, Catholic Girls School uniform: white knee socks, short, pleated skirt, white school blouse and white cotton underpants--and then he would put me over his knee, pull them down and spank me! He was so scrumptious (and, may I add 18 years younger) and it was such a turn on for him that I began to like it! But, have even a clue as to why it had to be part of his sexual foreplay--not until I read AROUSAL, psychoanalyst Dr. Michael J. Bader's riveting account of how our sexual fantasies evolve from our childhood traumas in order to make having sex seem ok and safe. Nancy Friday says it much better than I: AROUSAL represents an important advance in psychoanalytic thinking about sexual fantasies. Using case studies from his own practice, Michael Bader argues convincingly that our sexual fantasies are neither kinky nor perverse but are driven by the desire for pleasure and safety. As AROUSAL makes clear, "Sex begins in the mind, and travels downward." With case study after case study, taken from Bader's practice, we begin to understand why domination and submission play such an integral part in so many couples lovemaking. A must read for anyone practicing sex."

I didn't find Dr. Bader's arguments to be very persuasive. He seemed to over simplify things to a point where nuance and complexity was lost. Perhaps the case studies that he used included much more data than he based his explantions on. If so, I wish he shared this additional information because a lot of his reasoning wasn't as obvious to me as it was to him. For example, I could come up with lots of alternative ways to interpret what was going on and for Dr. Bader it seemed like there was only one right interpreation -- his.

While this book has some value, especially for people who may not have read much in this area, I thought it was superficial. It wasn't complex enough for a psychotherapy audience and it didn't seem to be a good fit for the popular psyche market either.

I think one would get a better and clearer understanding from Jack Morin's book "Your Erotic Mind." I don't know of anything better out there on this topic. The two authors approach the subject differently, so if you own this book already, you may want to consider a different perspective.

What a blessing it was to find this book. For so long I have wondered about whether there was something wrong with me, whether I was different, sick just because I have a rich sexual fantasy life. Reading Dr. Bader's book was such a comfort; he's both knowledgable and sensitive--like a great therapist--which I imagine he is. I recommend this book to anyone who is curious about the place of sexual fantasy in life and especially psychotherapists who need to know a lot more about this subject than I bet they do.

The best teachers - and the best psychotherapists - have a way of making the most profound and original insights seem inevitable, as if you were just on the verge of thinking them yourself. Dr. Bader is clearly among their number. His central thesis, that sexual fantasies are a search for safe conditions to experience arousal, gave me that "of course" reaction. But that reaction was the result of his lucid discussion of how we grow up as we do and, of course, his vivid case studies. The result is not only to think about sex, but about everything in life and about how worrying about others (unconsciously) can interfere with getting the pleasures we all want. I've paid big money to see people face to face and gotten less grist for introspection that I got from reading this book.

Okay, there are many books about sexuality and even some that focus on arousal. If I could stand up and clap for a great book that deals with sexuality on a universal level-I'd be giving a standing ovation to Dr. Bader.

I must tell you that this review is being written as a honorable tribute to a fantastic book on the attraction between 2 individuals. I can't think of what could be more important that being able to relate to another human being at a higher lever-so that we almost feel fused with our partner.
If you're not getting what you're looking for in a relationship or if you're not getting the level of arousal that you deserve-read Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies and find the answers that you deserve.

We all have sexual fantasies and we all, at some point, find ourselves wishing to connect with someone at deep and loving level. It's normal to have fantasies and it's normal to have different sexual desires than our partners. Do you ever have a moment of "instant guilt" after an orgasm? There is a reason for everything! There is even a reason that we feel a glimpse of guilt after reaching an orgasm, and reasons why we have certain fantasies. We are all human and so much more related than we are different.

I think Michael Bader gives us permission, through understanding of the incredibe unconscious mind, to have the fantasies and desire that we do. This is a book for everyone who is interested in finding strength through our fantasies. It's for everyone-no matter what sex or orientation. On the other hand, he also takes time to help us understand the difference between normalcy and addiction-some of which is determined by society.

Thank you, Dr. Bader, for delivering a book on everything from fetishes to feelings, that helps us realize that how connected we are to others and to other things.

I hope that this reivew, even if only in part, was helpful to you.
[...]

Dr. Bader is fairly modest in tone in writing this book, but the fact is that this book is revolutionary. Wow.

I'm a professional personal coach helping fairly normal high-achievers achieve fully actualized lives. I create a high level of comfort with my clients, which leads to a fair proportion of them revealing their sexual fantasies to me.

I thought I was good at working with sexuality, but reading Arousal totally transformed my ability to help my clients understand and accept their fantasies and to vastly improve their sex lives.

If that weren't enough, the insight I gained brought my sex life back up from the worst to the best it's been at any time in my current relationship. My partner had very little insight into what she responded to sexually, and has never been able to provide clear feedback about what she likes. Using this book, I was able to transform my understanding of her childhood into some (clearly accurate) guesses about her preferences in bed.

Dr. Bader's theory that fantasy is about emotional safety is simple, profound, and transformative. He shows how our fantasies offer a clear and direct reflection of our deep emotional hurts and needs, and are a normal and healthy attempt to overcome them.

I expect the ideas in this book to become mainstream over the next decade. I only hope that Dr. Bader gets much of the credit.