introduction
Whether we want to admit it or not, cheating is an inescapable part of the human condition. Some of us are more comfortable than others acknowledging this fact, but it's still a fact, plain and simple.
There's no shortage of people who like to claim that they lead lives above reproach. You know the type: God fearing, seemingly honest, quick to tell others when they're straying off the path, certainly not likely to identify themselves as cheaters. But they are. We all are. Everyone is guilty of telling little white lies or devising secret ways to get ahead when the right moment arises. It doesn't matter if you're fibbing a little so that your wall-eyed colleague doesn't feel bad ("No, really, no one can tell"), or if you stole a recipe to win the county bake-off just once. Even if you're usually on the up-and-up, those little lapses land you squarely in cheater country. Despite our best efforts, we're all cheaters in our own ways.
Still think you're not a creepy little cheater? Are you shaking your head as you read this and saying "Oh, no, I'd never do that!" Think again. Remember when you got your college roommate to write that homework assignment for you? How about when you weren't really cheating on your significant other because you were "on a break"? That's right, folks, you were cheating. And don't even get started trying to justify that time you claimed your dog as a dependent on your tax return. That was cheating too. Getting away with it, whatever "it" may be, is cheating.
Even though you're cheating a little bit every day, chances are you could be doing it better. Why settle for a minor promotion when you could have the corner office? Why bother taking the loose change out of your friend's couch when you could be making the big bucks forging checks? If your answer is that you just don't know how, look no further. This is the book for you.
In the pages of this little tome, you'll find a guide to grifting, a sourcebook of sophistry, and a bible of bunco. Everything the modern mountebank needs to know to pull off the most essential cheats can be found in these pages. Every cheat has been numbered for your easy reference and reading pleasure. You will, however, notice that they are in no easily discernible order. This is much like life, as the ways in which we cheat and the reasons we decide to do so don't follow any particular patterns either. As you leaf through this book, let the myriad ways in which you can get one over on the other guy surprise and entertain you as you stumble on them, just as you will stumble on opportunities to exercise your new shady talents after reading this book. You'll also find that the information in each chapter has been neatly laid out in an easy step-by-step format so you can be up and running in no time with your new and improved life of chicanery. Feel free to mix and match your cheats at will. A life without artful cheating isn't a life worth living.
If the above statement fills you with horror, and you're truly one of the few people left on earth who shun sharp practice, don't despair. You'll be glad to know that every cheat in this book includes a section on protecting yourself from that particular type of flimflammery. Read carefully, lest you leave yourself open to the wily ways of your fellow readers.
Now that you're fully briefed on what this guide to skulduggery has in store for you, dearest con artists and marks alike, read on. And don't forget to keep looking over your shoulder. There's always someone a little sharper and a little cagier right behind you.
cheat #1
faking an orgasm
Baby, You're the Greatest
Rules of etiquette apply in all sorts of situations, and while Emily Post may never have weighed in on this particular topic, bedroom activity is no exception to the rule. Egos can be particularly fragile and emotions can run high while couples are in the throes of passion, and most people know that it's just as important to make your partner feel good emotionally as well as physically.
This is easy to do when you've got the lover of the century who can be a relentless sex machine while simultaneously delivering sweet nothings in your ear. Sweet nothings that are a delicious melange of Penthouse Forum smut and Hallmark sentiment. Of course you'll affirm someone who's hitting the mark perfectly on a regular basis. It's like playing tennis with a player who's better than you. You feed off their game, they feed off yours, and so on and so on. What happens, however, when your lover is a dud? What's a right-thinking person to do when his or her sweetie is so lackluster in the sack as to be yawn inducing? Even worse, what do you do when they know they're a snore and keep trying (dear God) and trying and trying and trying? You get them to stop. And there's one sure way to get anyone to simmer down and call it a night: fake that orgasm and beg for rest.
Sure, you could keep trying until you actually reach the final denouement, but if your lover is truly awful, it's not likely that this is going to happen. You could try to show him or her what needs to be done, but if you've been going at it so long that the opportunity for the usual moment for release has come and gone, it's best to relax and live to fight another day.
So go to it, people. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, where there's a will there's a way. Learn to fake it and get on with your life.
The Upside
Cheating of any kind can be a moral dilemma for most people. Even so, it's much easier to rationalize small lies or lies of convenience, while the big ones can eat away at you. Faking an orgasm, for most people, falls squarely in the "little white lie" category. It can be argued that faking an orgasm is tantamount to saying that you love someone's new acid-washed jeans, or that their poetry is the best you've ever heard. It makes the other person feel good and doesn't really add any negative karma to the world -- it's a small kindness that greases the wheels of social (and sexual) intercourse.
Although a bit less altruistic, there are a handful of other (no less valuable) bonuses to cheating your way through a particularly unsatisfying sexual encounter. Getting some much needed sleep is generally the most popular response (and actually trumps the desire to spare a lousy lover's feelings). Considering that at last count 62 percent of Americans are sleep deprived, calling it quits when the going gets too tough is a fairly sensible thing to do.
Reclaiming your valuable time and spending it well is another good reason to pull the plug when your libido isn't showing any signs of life. Although Woody Allen once professed that "even my worst orgasm was right on the money," many people these days beg to differ. Living in a nonstop world of work and family obligations has made most people value their time and keep an eye on the clock in a more serious way than ever before. So, at the end of the day, no sex can be better than bad sex. Given the choice of letting someone pull out all his or her lackluster stops, or catch up on a little reading (even watching a rerun of CSI), go for the reading. You'll get more out of it in the end.
Finally, it's time to call it quits when you're so sore that you just can't go on. Going numb from the waist down is a surefire sign that it's time to gear up with your performance so that you can let your lover down easy. It's great to know when you've had enough not only so that you can move on with your life, but you'll also avoid a lot of discomfort down the road. So what's the upside, exactly? Escaping the indignities of pulled groin muscles, rampant chafing, urinary tract infections, and emotional meltdowns, to name a few horrors that can come (or not come) from a night of fruitless tugging and rubbing. These are all avoidable perils for the covert faker.
The Downside
Obviously, anytime you tell a lie, you are potentially driving a wedge between yourself and your loved one. Honesty is the cornerstone of any good relationship, and any lie, no matter how small, could wind up biting you in the behind (and we know that's probably what you wish your misguided lover was doing). Essentially, once your lover finds out that you've been faking it in bed, it opens the door for his or her imagination to run wild with other potential lies you may or may not have told. Why was the mailman so happy to see you this morning? What was up with that dental hygienist winking like that? The possibilities are endless. What seems like a good idea at the time (no more pulling, please!!) may wind up requiring more explaining and reparations than you're willing to dish out in the long run.
Your attempt to save your partner's ego could backfire. If you're constantly faking orgasms to get out of going-nowhere sex, your partner will catch on. You'll slip up somehow, and they'll know that the last so many months spent in bed together have been less pleasure party and more your audition for a SAG card. What was initially designed to save your partner's ego and alleviate all the aforementioned indignities of tolerating a bothersome boink will just make your honey sad and depressed and leave you in the doghouse.
The end result of all this? You'll wind up alone again (perhaps not the worst fate if the sex was so awful), or, even worse, you'll get dragged to sex seminars and couple's therapy. Either way, sex should be fun, and the agita resulting from your little white lie will most certainly not be worth all the trouble. Unless you can pull it off.
Tools of the Trade
There are very few props necessary to pull this off. All you really need is a few acting chops and a little chutzpah. You should, however, try to get your hands on:
1. Mirror
2. Ex-boyfriend or girlfriend
3. Condom
4. Kegel exercises
Ways and Means: How to Pull It Off
1. Getting your game face on -- First things first. Do you know what you look like when you're getting down and dirty? Be honest. Thought not -- most people don't. Unless you're a happ...
