Customer Reviews

As Much Time as It Takes: A Guide for the Bereaved, Their Family and Friends

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Martin Keogh has granted the wish of so many well-intentioned and good hearted people who have felt for their friends suffering a loss and wished they knew what they could say or do for them, but just did not know how they could help or show their care. Martin Keogh has filled the missing niche in books on grief with his treasure of wisdom. I wish this book was around when I lost my husband and young daughter. I know others who have suffered a loss shared my experience of being additionally injured by the words and acts of well intentioned friends when I was most vulnerable in my grieving. Now, I give this kind and wise and beautiful book to everyone I know who is going through grief or has someone close to them doing so. It is a treasure chest of gifts, easy to receive. Do not be concerned that it appears deceptively simple, (all the most essential things are!), for it is written in a style easiest to take in when you need it the most. This is a remarkable contribution to the field and sure to become a classic!

I first came across this timeless writing after September 11, 2001. I immediately sent ten copies of the pre-published version "As Much Time As It Takes" to the families of my deceased co-workers and friends who died in the World Trade Center. This book is profound: it gives voice to the wisdom of preceding generations that have experienced loss. The teaching of this book is that the torrents of emotion the bereaved might feel are natural and to be expected.

This book was written for the rest of us: those who aren't grieving, and feel completely at a loss to help those who are!

In the past, I was the one who tried to make it better, when I couldn't possibly make it better. I couldn't understand why they just couldn't "get over it" sooner, and get back to their lives. So I wound up feeling frustrated and distant from my grieving friend. Exactly the opposite of my intention.

This little book is what I've been missing: a tool that gives me real, practical ideas that I can use. The writing is clear, simple, and almost poetic. There's a lushness to Keogh's pages, and his ideas come out so tenderly, and so lovingly.

Keogh takes us inside the heart, mind, and body of someone in grief. Once there, he shows us how to be truly helpful, thoughtful, and a loving presence--in other words, how to be a true friend.

This book taught me what no one or no experience has ever taught me. It is a treasure that needs to be on everyone's bookshelf--required reading for the human experience!

This book came to me just at the right time. My father had recently died and I was feeling the weight and density of my grief. It pervaded everything. Martin Keogh's As Much Time As it Takes helped me to know that my thinking about him and my need to talk about him A LOT was normal. While friends might have tired of listening to me still memorializing him, I realized that it was important to remember him, feel the feelings, and treat myself with loving kindness. This gentle, loving book is a real gem.

Full Disclosure: Martin, the author, is an old friend of this reviewer.
My father died in August after a prolonged decline. Some days later I received Martin's book in the mail. It has been of very real help in a very deep way ever since. At first I was a little wary of the simple language and the straightforward style, which grated somewhat with my degree in Literatrure and Philosophy and my family's intellectualized approach to virtually everything. Despite this, I found myself drawn back to the book over and over again, and I discovered that I was careful to keep the book accessible. Soon I realized that 'As Much Time As It Takes' finds much of its power in its simplicity; it offers permission to feel different facets of grief through its unadorned and forthright enunciations of how this kind of grief feels, or that kind of grief feels, or how grief feels at this or that moment. I thought I knew grief from past experience; I forgot that each experience of deep grief is distinct. I thought I had done much of my grieving as my father declined (and I had), but I did not realize how much there was awaiting me after his death. 'As Much Time As It Takes' acted a bit like a guide to Michelangelo's David, reminding me that even when one perspective threatens to become familiar that one merely needs to shift to a slightly different vantage point to feel again the power of the event. And it seems to me that this is how we grieve, by feeling the grief over and over again, in different ways and sparked by different catalysts. The book also reminded me that it really was okay to let others know how I felt. I imagine that most people who have been through the grieving process in our culture remember being told, usually with great affection and sympathy, how one "must" be feeling or what one "must' want or need. "Oh, you must be feeling just devastated!" "You must need some time away right now." Sometimes these are correct, and sometimes they pass wide of the mark. In the latter case it can be very hard to feel like it is okay in our world to correct the sympathizer, but it can also be very, very important to do so.
This is a strong book written in a deceptively simple style. Keep it around to read when a friend loses someone to remind yourself of the little ways to be in the right place at the right time. Keep it around to read when you yourself are in grief to remind yourself how rich and complex the process is, and to support your efforts to remain true to yourself as you are surrounded by well intentioned wellwishers.

"As Much Time as it Takes" is a wonderful tool for peole experiencing the death of a loved one as well as for people caring for the bereaved. As a nurse and individual therapist I offer the text as a gift when my client has endured loss of a loved one by death. People respond to the book with great enthusiasm. "This book helps me to know it is okay to feel the way I feel." "I sometimes can't think straight...I like how I can open to any page and there are only a few words to help me for that minute." "I like the title the best...so many people think I should be done grieving by now. I didn't know there was a time clock. I like how I can now give myself permission to take my time." Martin Keogh captures the powerful emotions that emerge in the grieving process and offers direct coaching to the reader.

The format of "As Much Time as it Takes" enhances the usefulness of the book. The first person singular narrative voice establishes a trusting intimate conversation between the author and the reader each page identifies one point of focus. The simplicity of the page and the openness of the words allow the reader to mediate, reflect, and make a choice to act in order to promote healing and facilitate grieving. Keogh draws on his own life experience, as well as the wisdom of experts in the field of bereavement, to invite healing. Keogh succeeds in a truly innovative way. Those who read this small text are left feeling inspired, affirmed and empowered.

AS MUCH TIME AS IT TAKES
by Martin J. Keogh

Finding a way to comfort someone who is grieving and finding a way to ask for what you need when you are grieving are the two main focuses of this book.

It can be a quick read or one that takes as much time as it takes just as grieving takes as much time as it takes. The author gives suggestions and helping phrases, ways to think about grief, ways to accept yourself whether you are the griever or the supporter.

It may be a book that the reader reads again and again. The words are wise and carefully chosen. And although it is most importantly written in reference to death of a loved one it can be used to guide oneself in other kinds of grief also.

I recommend the book highly. I also recommend that the reader reread it frequently and save it as a reference.

Full disclosure: I am a long-time friend of the author, Martin Keogh.
If you are grieving you will find deep comfort from reading this amazing book. If you are wondering how to console a grieving friend the most helpful thing you can do, in my opinion, is to give them this book. I cannot add to the words written by other reviewers here: I agree with everything they have said.
Russ Archibald

I am so happy that I found this comfort food for the soul. For friends and family who are so full of feelings and sadness they don't know what to do - and, for those most directly hurting from the loss of a person (or animal, for that matter), this little gem gives us the words and thoughts.... many words and thoughts from many different voices.

Somewhere, here in this little book, you are certain to find the help you need. Martin Keogh covered a great deal of ground in doing his research for this book - from professionals who work with grieving and dying folks to those who have had lay experience - and you can feel his success. It takes only about an hour to read, cover to cover, a small investment to facilitate your ease in knowing what to say and do - or, perhaps more importantly, to know what NOT to say and do.

You will gain the courage to simply be present in the best way you are able in the presence of grief, your own or someone else's from reading this book.

This small gem of a book rings true and offers both those who have been bereaved and those wishing to comfort the bereaved concrete ideas and understandings for navigating the journey of grieving. I know I will use it over and over and will recommend it to my friends.