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Ask For It: How Women Can Use the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want

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Women don't ask.

That was the premise -- and the title -- of a book published in 2003 by Linda Babcock, James M. Walton Professor of Economics at Carnegie Mellon University's H. John Heinz III School of Public Policy and Management, and successful writer and editor Sara Laschever.

"Women Don't Ask: The High Cost of Avoiding Negotiation--and Positive Strategies for Change" explored the uncomfortable truths about gender and negotiation and exposed the obstacles that keep women from negotiating effectively for themselves. While men seem to have no trouble negotiating and asking for what they need, women hesitate or fail to ask at all.

Social conditioning and cultural expectations are among the causes of these gendered differences. Tragically these differences produce well-documented economic costs for women, haunting them over the course of a lifetime. For example, according to the "Women Don't Ask" web site, "By not negotiating a first salary, an individual stands to lose more than $500,000 by age 60 -- and men are more than four times as likely as women to negotiate a first salary."

This book touched a raw nerve for the many women who read it; indeed, so overwhelming was the response to "Women Don't Ask" that Babcock and Laschever went to work on a sequel.

The result is "Ask for It: How Women Can Use the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want", a book filled with practical advice; real-world negotiation stories from the authors, the women who have contacted them as a result of their work, and Babcock's students; and a detailed four-phase program with exercises for preparing for and succeeding in life's negotiations.

Phase One teaches women to recognize that "Everything Is Negotiable". As anyone knows, the toughest negotiation can be with yourself, and the authors help readers begin by asking questions of themselves to identify and clarify their professional and personal goals. Phase Two teaches readers how to "Lay the Groundwork", reviewing the skills and concepts of basic negotiation strategy. Among the most important lessons? Information is power -- and the authors explain how and where to get it to strengthen your bargaining position.

Phase Three, "Get Ready", pushes women to aim high when it comes to negotiating. It covers cooperative bargaining; ascertaining your worth; using logrolling or trade-offs to get past jams and build value; and how to make the first offer. Best of all, it even comes equipped with a "Negotiation Gym" -- a six-week program of increasingly difficult negotiation exercises that will help women build negotiation muscles and develop stamina and strength in preparation for tougher negotiation challenges. No one will ever kick sand in your face again.

Phase Four shows how women can "Put It All Together" -- to practice in advance by role playing with a friend, to avoid making concessions prematurely, to create the right impression to influence your counterpart at the table, and, finally, to close the deal.

An appendix helpfully provides a detailed worksheet to help women prepare for negotiations, along with a link to the web site where readers can download a PDF version.

Ask for It recounts numerous stories of women facing negotiations at work and in their lives, across a range of industries and professions, which bring the lessons to memorable life. However, as convincing as these anecdotes may be, I would have welcomed more examples of negotiations in blue-collar settings, my one quibble with an otherwise excellent book.

What makes this book a must-read for men, too, and not just for women are its unpleasant revelations about the realities of hidden bias against women at the negotiation table. The authors exhort readers to take responsibility themselves for combating gender bias, not just that of others but particularly their own. They remind readers that all of us regardless of gender possess assumptions and unexamined beliefs about women in negotiation. They point to studies that indicate that while aggression earns men points at the negotiation table, it punishes women with backlash and disapproval. And, while the authors fiercely advocate for women at the negotiation table, the chapter on "Likability" with its insistence that women avoid aggressive tactics and "be nice" while bargaining, will no doubt leave some readers bristling. However, until the world changes how it views women in negotiation, it's hard to argue with the studies the authors cite.

There is much to admire about this gutsy book with its commitment to helping women really succeed at negotiating. Even the title itself serves as a defiant call to action. Babcock and Laschever explain in the forward that the title represents a deliberate effort to reclaim a phrase weighted with negative meaning for women and instead assert it as an emblem of power: "For centuries the phrase 'asking for it' has been used as an accusing finger to point at women. A woman who'd been sexually assault was 'asking for it'. A woman who'd been the victim of spousal abuse must have provoked her partner -- she 'asked for it'. Our goal is to help women ask for and get the things they -- we -- really want, to claim the phrase 'asking for it' as our own and transform it into a dynamic tool for increasing our happiness and pursuing our dreams."

This is not simply a book about changing the way women negotiate. Instead, Babcock and Laschever have ambitiously set out to change women's lives. Any of us can join the revolution -- all we have to do is ask.

I picked up this book with smug curiosity, confident that being able to ask for what I want was certainly NOT my issue. But what an eye-opener! I was guilty of every excuse in the book for not asking, on a day to day basis.

Asking doesn't just mean at the office. ASK FOR IT is about taking the time to identify one's life's desires, large and small, and asserting oneself with dignity, grace, and even humor.

This book is full of fun anecdotes, but also gives detailed instruction as to HOW to ask when one feels the need, but feels too uncertain about the fall out.

I can honestly say this book has changed my life. Period.

After "Women Don't Ask," we knew that, as women, we are trained to fear and avoid negotiation - and that the personal cost of that training runs into the hundreds of thousands of dollars over a lifetime (not to mention deep unhappiness and the waste of human potential). But everyone who read "Women Don't Ask" came back with the same question: How do I learn to negotiate?

"Ask for It" is the practical answer to that question. The authors give step-by-step instructions on how to learn to ask for (and get) what you want. The first step is to figure out what it is you want in life, above and beyond what you think you will be allowed to have. It's a surprisingly hard task when you've been trained to think about and fill other people's wants - try it! The program progresses by baby steps from there, negotiating for very minor unimportant things up to asking for things you are sure you can't get. As you progress, you'll learn by experience that you can get more than you think, and that people generally react much more positively to asking than you expect. Asking works, asking is safe, asking will make your life better.

One of the things I loved about "Women Don't Ask" was the inclusion of many studies conducted by social scientists on women and negotiation. "Ask for It" continues this trend, but also adds many personal stories about women negotiating. The stories aren't intended as scientific evidence but as examples and role models to help illustrate the authors' points. I found the concrete examples to be very helpful in showing just how much you can ask for and get. Some of the solutions are truly creative - I never imagined that an employer would be so flexible!

Finally, Babcock and Laschever managed to achieve the nearly impossible: They explain how to work around societal prejudices against women - while at the same time continuously asserting that these prejudices are unfair and should be changed. In particular, their advice on being "relentlessly pleasant" - the only way for women to ask for what they want without triggering anger and punishment - strikes this balance beautifully.

After reading "Women Don't Ask" I waited with baited breath for more information on negotiation, especially the "how." Even before finishing "Ask For It" I started asking for more of what I want and in some situations, choosing not to negotiate points that are for me no-gos. One was just today and I achieved my goal in a very pleasant manner. An especially effective element in "Ask For It" are the stories and examples that deal with exceptions to the rule; this is particularly useful for me since I am a freelancer in the classical music industry where many things are anything but transparent.

"Ask For It" and "Women Don't Ask" are priceless resources for me and I regularly recommend it to every woman and man I know.

This book is an excellent read, with helpful tips illustrated by lots of stories and studies. It is aimed primarily at women, but any person who wants to learn to negotiate better, in work or other parts of life, could benefit from it. It's especially good for people who don't know how to negotiate, or who think they shouldn't/don't need to ask for things. I love the section where the authors provide concrete exercises to help the reader go from non-negotiator to someone who is confident and practiced at asking for (and getting) things.

I took detailed notes from the book to refer to in the future. Here are a few examples of tips from the book that apply to everyone:

* Never ask if something is negotiable. It implies you're okay with it if not. Always assume yes.

* Ask for what you want when your bargaining power is high -- e.g., due to recent personal successes, or after a bunch of people leave the company and they're in a tight spot if they lose you.

* Each side can end up benefiting more by working collaboratively. Negotiation is often not zero-sum. You may think outside the original set of options to find something that meets everyone's needs better by discussing needs in detail and brainstorming. This is explored in a lot more detail in the book, and is one of the most valuable chapters.

* Whether or not to make the first offer depends on how much information you have. If you know the other side's bottom line but they don't know yours, go first. Set the anchor at a beneficial place to you. But if you have no idea what they'll pay, try to let them start the negotiation.

Here are a few examples of tips from the book aimed primarily at women -- because aggressive bargaining is often seen as positive coming from men, but negative coming from women:

* Avoid tentative language. "I'm not sure this is a good idea..." "Stop me if I'm wasting your time..." "I'm no expert, but..."

* Frame proposals and comments positively. Don't soften what you want; just frame it as a positive for both you and other side.

* Be relentlessly pleasant. Choose your words carefully, use a nonthreatening voice, and seem nice and friendly in all your actions. Express polite concern at the beginning that everyone is comfortable and has everything they need -- but don't fetch the coffee.

I was so excited to see that the authors of Women Don't Ask published another book. I saw one of the author (Sara Laschever) speak. Her presentation and the chapter in this book "The negotiating gym" changed the way i think about negotiating. I've put the suggestions into practice and am amazed at the results. I just ordered a few for my friends. No woman should be without either of these books.

I was fortunate to see Sara Laschever at a Scripps University lecture on "Women and Negotiation". What makes this book empowering is that it shows you HOW to negotiate to improve your situation. She also goes through many stories of women in varying professions and situations to illustrate successful and unsuccessful negotiations. And at the end of the book is a 6 week program that sets the target higher each week for things to ask for. Reading this will help you ask for things you've always avoided like asking a spouse for more help around the house, a raise, more benefits etc. This book was a Godsend because I recently had to negotiate my hourly rate for a client. "Ask for It" gave me the resources I needed to find out my "worth" and in the end I got the rate I wanted! All women should read this book!!

The concept of this book is right on target. The "meat" of the book can be a little too simplified. I recommend it for young women just starting their careers - it offers advice that I wish I knew 30 years ago!

I was introduced to the book through a teacher, I took his advice and decided to read it. I am thankful I did, I learned so much from this book and surprisingly boosted my confidence. It gives insight on women in the workplace compared to men and teaches the reader not to settle no matter how much you want to because you are likely to get more than you even thought possible. If your negotiation skills are lacking it's worth the time, if your negotiation skills are up to par then maybe you don't need to read it.

This book was the best thing to happen to my career self-esteem. I realized and understood my own value for the first time and did not downplay my talents and abilities. The book helps ease the worry that comes with negotiation and eases your nerves by giving loads of examples of how real women negotiated and their success afterwards. I highly recommend this book to everyone and stand by everything written in it. I am a testament to its inspiration and my career success and negotiation style has dramatically improved. You can use it all parts of your life and stop being undervalued by others and by yourself!