Assisted Loving: How I Stopped My Homo-Centric Life to Take Care of My Elderly Father [Kindle Edition]

Debra Elise Miller (Author)

Book Description

Once upon a time a single lesbian woman lived an active life of travel, creativity and career hoping. While her commitment to LGBTQ politics and art continues, her ability to live the carefree life came screeching to a halt when she made a deal with the devil, er, her father to take care of him in his last chapter of life.

Product Details

• File Size: 704 KB
• Print Length: 62 pages
• Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
• Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
• Language: English
• ASIN: B00L3KTD90
• Text-to-Speech: Enabled
• X-Ray:
  Not Enabled
• Lending: Enabled
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #453,799 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars What's interesting about this funny and surprisingly non-sentimental narrative (I was nervous July 1, 2014

By Guinevere Turner

Verified Purchase

What's interesting about this funny and surprisingly non-sentimental narrative (I was nervous, with the subject matter, that it would be all Tuesdays with Morrie/Seniors Say the Darndest things) is that it is two-fold - a funny, concise look into what it means to care for an aging parent, but also a real how-to in a way that was very interesting to me, though I am neither elder nor caretaker of elder. Well, three fold, actually, because there is an interesting thru line happening that is about the fact that most of us will become feeble and then die, and few of us below 70 really think about what that will mean day to day. Very engaging and fun to read. Not to mention lots o pictures!

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars She takes the good days along with the s***ty ones July 29, 2014

By Deborah Oster Pannell

Verified Purchase

Deb Miller has written about this challenging passage in her life with humor and grace. She doesn't portray herself as a victim, nor does she claim to be a hero. She takes the good days along with the s***ty ones, and let's us know that yeah, she's doing more than surviving, she's even laughing about it. Anyone who knows the life of a caregiver will find plenty of familiar moments here, without any oppressive sentimentality or super aggressive smiley faces. And take notes! In between jokes are a ton of practical tips. Anyone who's been there will recognize a kindred spirit... Brava!!

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A worthwhile guide into another one of those passages we weren't told about! July 1, 2014

By Julie W.

Verified Purchase

If you are old enough to remember the 1960's and are lucky enough to have a living parent, chances are she or he or they now require "assistance". If you are a caregiver or sometime caregiver, or the one charged with supervising and arranging for care giving, you either need guidance or could write a book. Fortunately for us, Debra Miller falls into the latter category. This short ebook is informative, very funny, and often touching. Highly recommended.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars What a Jewel!! July 23, 2014

By S. Kyle

Loved Debra's honesty and lack of sentimentality. Living with someone with diminished cognitive skills is a challenge that hundreds of thousands of people deal with everyday. The thing is -- few people write about it so when it becomes a reality in your own life you are usually unprepared and in shock. I was that person. I know what Debra is dealing with and admire her for doing double duty -- living it and writing it. Thanks Debra. This is a jewel.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Read this book if you love someone who's old! July 30, 2014

By Julia Kaplan

Verified Purchase

With a sense of humor and also a sense of self -deprivation, Debra Miller shows us how to get through this period with a loved elder. There are good tips, some very creative, as well as strong support for letting us all know that sometimes it's going to be hard and you are going to be mean or cranky or patient and that's okay to feel that way. And that's a relief that hear!

5.0 out of 5 stars A good read about a good deed August 14, 2014

By B Daniel Blatt

Verified Purchase

One of the great challenges gay people have faced over the years is the notion that our sexuality is somehow at odds with "family values." It's not just religious social conservatives pushing this notion. Many gay voices, less loud today than they were just a few years ago, cried out telling us that coming out required us to confront our families, and that those families were not nearly as important as our sexual orientation.

But, the real lives of gay men and lesbians have shown that that notion is nothing more than a fabrication. Our lives do not undermine the family structure - and we need not confront our parents and siblings when coming out.

Perhaps the primary reason social attitudes toward gays and lesbian have changed significantly in the past quarter century is that individuals have been telling our stories. In this e-book, my friend and fellow film buff Debra Miller does just that. She offers a unique perspective, not that of a left-wing, film-loving, passionate activist announcing her sexuality to her Jewish father, but of a middle-aged lesbian taking care of that good man in his declining years.

This daughter understands that family values means looking after our loved ones when they can no longer take care of themselves. And this despite, as Miller writes in Chapter Two, her estrangement from her Dad when her parents divorced.

That estrangement notwithstanding, the lesbian daughter stepped in to take responsibility when her step-mother died. She brought him down to Los Angeles and made space for him in her home.

To be sure, she does offer some background on her coming out, her theory being that if people met and interacted with her, they would see that she was "just another human being (albeit one who is funny, smart and charming!) they would go away from [the] interaction knowing they met a gay person who was not the horned devil that they had imagined."

In her e-book, Miller shows that, at least in caring for her initially octogenarian - and now nonagenarian - father, she is closer to an angel than a devil, adjusting her life to accommodate his, taking him into her home and making that place livable for him.

It lets those of us who know Miller's snark up close see more closely a more patient side of this passionate woman's nature, her willingness to do what needs to be done to tend to her father's various needs, from means to monitor him on her cell phone to making the bathroom senior citizen friendly.

In providing those details, she crafts guidebook if sorts for others caring for aging relatives. And she does this with her good-natured snark.

Writing about her decision, Miller shows that she understands her duty as a daughter: "really I did not feel like there was another choice (and of course as I say that I realize there is ALWAYS (sic) a choice.) It just seemed like the right thing to do."

In detailing her choice to do the right thing, Debra Miller tells not just her own story, but also provides further evidence that gay people aren't, to borrow her expression, horned devils. Indeed, oftentimes, it is the gay children who look after aging parents in their "golden years," years which this author has learned, only become gilded through a loved one's efforts.

With this e-book, Miller helps humanize the relationship between a middle-aged one and her elderly father. And provides another window in the real lives of gay people.

Oh, and it's a good read. Read more ›

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Lesbian bass-ass loves her dad after all, shocker! July 5, 2014

By Jane Czyzselska

Debra Miller is a legendary lesbian bad-ass who paved the way for folks like me. This touching tale about her often difficult relationship with the "Old Guy" is pure gold. With a little grit thrown in for good measure.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars ... community who has a parent or two that they love. Debra Miller is one amazing rockstar July 1, 2014

By Steak House

Verified Purchase

Important book to read for anyone in the LGBT community who has a parent or two that they love. Debra Miller is one amazing rockstar.