Customer Reviews

The Astro-Zombies [VHS]

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Oh, where to start? The movie, co-produced by Wayne Rogers (Trapper John from M*A*S*H) is a bit difficult to follow, which is not one little bit surprising seeing that it is the directorial brainchild of Ted V. Mikels. The plot is fairly typical B movie fare, but has a few subplots and distractors to keep the viewer on their toes. The movie shows off the ample talents of Tura Satana as much as possible in the lead role of ruthless Chinese spy. She and her two henchmen (one is a Hispanic man who may be supposed to be Cuban, all we know is that he likes to dance around with his switchblade a lot, the other is a cranky old coot who reminds me of Abe Vigoda with constipation) are trying to get the secrets of lunatic scientist John Carradine's Astro Zombie project. When John enters the film, the problems start.

Carradine and his conveniently mute French Igor character, 'Franchot", work in a lab in a huge mansion bringing back people from the dead. This is not a good situation. While Tura is pretty (as are the good lab assistant women we meet later), and the spies vs. the CIA subplot is kind of interesting, as soon as they show the lab I cringe because only one thing happens there: Carradine explains every painful little bit of his procedures to Franchot is pseudo-science technobabble like "We must feed this memory circuit through the emotional quotient rectifier!" This just never ends. Apparently Wayne Rogers picked up a physics textbook, flipped to the glossary and started writing. Man, the Carradine stuff is just painful. The only thing that is good about John's lab is his equipment. He has all the bubbling test tubes, of course, but when he is doing his dirty work he straps what looks for all the world like a colander to his victims head; no doubt it has something to do with the dekrelnification redundancy circuiting of the gauss plasma ion generator of the prefrontal cortex of the brain stem. (But I digress. Of course John will tell you what it's for; I must have dozed for a second during that monologue.)

Eventually, the cops get involved and start looking for the Astro Zombies, who are, of course, on a killing spree. There are many plot cul-de-sacs to be negotiated, including my favorite which involves the absolute lamest 'exotic' dance that I have ever seen in a movie; yes, even worse than in Mikels' much better "Girl In The Gold Boots", from 1969 (and notably starring the same male lead.) The three spies lug around a radio detector thing that makes the exact same sounds as Spock's panel on Star Trek, and locate Carradine's lab. The spies try to hijack the Astro Zombies, but Carradine sees the error of his ways, and the good guys show up. For some reason the head lawman (we aren't sure what agency they are from, but are led to infer the CIA) brings his girlfriend to the bust. It is a wild melee and justice is served. I particularly like the John Carradine/Tura Satana joint death scene and the zombie with a machete.

This movie has some fun spots for bad movie fans like me. It has some hilarious scenes, like when the zombie holds a flashlight to the photocells in his forehead to get recharged. It also has some classic day/night confusion a la Ed Wood, and this is compounded by the fact that some of the film is way too dark, especially when the spies and CIA guys are having a shootout in the apartment complex (I may be wrong, but that apartment complex looks to me to be the exact same one from Mikels' later film "The Corpse Grinders". Did Ted live there?) The wacky plot and all it's needless but fun twists are big pluses, but I just couldn't give it more than three stars for the huge chunk of John Carradine rambling on about infusing the memory proteins in the hydrogen recombiners, or something like that. Good luck!

I have a lot of affection for this film. I first learned about it from the Misfit's song Astrozombies and then I stumbled across Mark Of The Astrozombies (the sequel to this movie) on video. I was astounded! I then tracked down the original on DVD and it was love at first sight. I loved the great DVD cover featuring an Astrozombie attacking a beautiful female and those great cheesy blurbs like "See: Astro Space Laboratory"! Great stuff! I put this disc into my DVD player, hit play, and I had a blast! It's been magic ever since. Folks this infamous bad movie has become like a beloved retarded relative to me. Sure it's slow in spots (it would have played better if it were only a little more than an hour long so keep your finger on the fast-forward button) but it's got plenty of entertaining moments that I adore. Truly a gulity pleasure. The sequel is something else too. Wait 'til you see the living severed head of John Carradine in that one! Mark Of The Astrozombies is a fine follow-up and an even more enjoyable gulity pleasure. Ted V. Mikels has gotten better with age! THANKS TED!

"Astro Zombies has two major flaws. #1- Not nearly enough of Tura Satana! Of course, I could watch a 3 hour movie of her just standing around smoking cigarettes!! #2- Way, WAY too much meaningless babbling from John Carradine (as the astro-scientist)! Listening to him explain everything to his henchman "Franchot" is like watching your mother-in-law knit! His scenes (which take up like a third or more of the movie) are excruciatingly painful to both mind and body! They drag on and on until inducing a coma-like state. A limbo between suicide and hysteria. The rest of the flick is cool enough, with it's solar powered zombies, spies, thugs, cops, murder & mayhem, etc. Ted V. Mikels ain't no Hitchcock, but he just might be hitch's neighbor's brother's gardener. Enjoy...

Lets face it. The point in making a movie like Astro Zombies is not to win an Oscar, it is to take 10K$ and turn it into 50K$. The flick opens with a shapely middle aged woman driving what is now a vintage Mustang convertable through her "Malibu" neighborhood while listening to upbeat elevator music on the radio. I know this because the camera made a point to film the radio twice. Well as soon as she parks her car in the garage, even with the barking dog outside trying to warn her, an Astro Zombies' smoke alarm goes off and she gets nailed. A promising beginning eh.
We have a host of bumbling C I A men trying to track down the zombie. How we ever survived the cold war is a mystery to me. Now the spies: Satana,representing Red China. Juan, representing Cuba. Yes, and there was an Oaf from the DDR. Satana had to be the worst spy in history. The only interrogation she performed was on one of the Bumble Bureau agents. She asked him. "Who are you?" (Something Juan had already learned from his wallet ID.) When he doesn't answer she burns him with a cigarette and tells the others to kill him.Alas, cigarettes were only .30$ a pack back then, so she could afford to have a little fun. Then when she finally confronts Carradine who plays the mad scientist that created the zombies, she tells him they want his knowledge. Lo' and behold the first time he does something she doesn't like she shoots him in the back. Satanas' great looks make up for her lack of interest in James Bond Movies of the time. But, I beleive even Bubba the redneck could take one look at her and tell that, "That's a commie spy."
Now Juan, looks like a Hispanic member of the Monkees. He loves to kill folks with his switchblade. I know this because he appears to have an orgasm every time he makes a kill.
As for the German Oaf he's just there for Juan to have someone to stick when he attempts to cut Mao and Castro out of Zombie Technology.
One of the coolest characters in the film is Franchot, the Mad Scientists' assistant. Since he is mute' he doesn't have any lines.
Carradine, who has been in more movies than I can remember is contantly fidgeting with fake looking lab equipment and explaining to Franchot what is going on. He does crack me up when he tells Satana he must destroy the "crazy" astro zombie, right after re-animating it. Then he says he can focus on the astro man whos' brain is morally pure. This was five minutes after Franchot pumped Lime Koolade mixed with carbon dioxide pellets into the neck of a lovely, vibrant young woman, stapped to a slab.(Who had her whole life ahead of her.) Makes you wonder what his version of a morally sound mind is.
I first saw A Z back in my "blurred years" (early 20's)at a drive in theater. Since I was blurred, there were many gaps in the film. so I purchased the DVD.
If you are a collector of horror/gore genre. I say go for it. But, please remember you are not going to stimulate your intellect with this film.

Indeed, as a zombie film, it hardly has the right to use the plural in the title. Two zombies are available, but only one appears in a mobile fashion for the largest part of the film. As far as the zombie meter reads, there are far more in prior films like 'Last Man On Earth' and even way back in 1933 with Legosi's 'White Zombie'. It would be unfair to kick it out of the running for a fun film, though.
Essentially, the plot involves a mad scientist, (played wonderfully by John Carradine), has lost his job with the government and goes rogue to create 'astromen', or walking corpses able to survive in the rigorous environs of space. So far, so good. Adding to this, Tura Satana plays a sultry and violent vixen as an agent of a foreign government trying to obtain his secrets, and some government agents looking for the scientist.
This film is pretty campy with wooden acting, but you didn't expect less with such a title, now did you? It is, however, a fun kind of campy movie with a concept reminescent of 'Frankenstein', including an Igor character. An overweening 60's style fetish for fake-looking blood and scantily clad women being attacked, Astro Zombies doesn't offer much new concerning these old cliches. Some humorous diologue, and funny scenes (check the Astro Zombie holding a flashlight to his head!).
If you enjoy camp movies with a budget not equal to the concept, Astro Zombies is a fine film. Acting wise, only John Carradine shines, though Tura has talents beyond the poor dialogue provided. It fits the time well, and a fine introduction into zombie concepts on film 1 year before N.O.T.L.D.
As a DVD, it really is pretty sparse; the print has a couple of glitches, though it's presented in a nice widescreen and very watchable. Ten scenes to choose from, nice packaging, and a very messy non color corrected theatrical trailer.

This very confusing movie is about a scientist (John Carradine) who creates a bunch of "indestructible artificial men". These artificial men are to be used in space missions. However, one of them malfunctions and escapes the lab, only to begin a violent killing spree. We are later introduced to a lot of unnecessary characters (a group of evil spies, a female lab assistant, CIA agents, etc.), whose presence only help in making the movie more incoherent. Astro Zombies may have many flaws, but it still is quite an entertaining B-movie (not to mention a classic). There are some nice touches, like the creepy heartbeat sound indicating the monster's presence. The astro zombies look both cheezy and cool at the same time, and the plot is twisted enough to make most B-movie fans happy.

I just wanted to chime in that I saw this movie at either the theatre or the drive-in when it came out. I was born in 1963 so do the math! I hesitate to buy the dvd since I know a contemporary viewing will surely pale to the effect it had on me as a kid. I thought it was a hoot at the time and always had fond memories about it. I'm glad my parents were liberal enough to allow me to become such a demented little cuss at such a young age. Thanks mom and dad!

I am continuing my mission to review every movie with the word "zombie" or "dead" in the title. I'm on the fence when it comes to "Astro Zombies". It's barely a good "bad movie"; and comes quite close to crossing the line into being a bad "bad movie".

First, and most important, what strain of Zombie are these Astro Zombies? These are the solar powered, plastic "space man" masked, stabbing and killing variety of zombie. There are no flesh-eaters here, but these zombies are so unique that they are almost endearing. Especially when one has to run around holding a flashlight to his solar panel, so he may ambulate at night when his power reserves are low. The zombies get a 6/10 for uniqueness.

The gore is barely existent. A few splashes of red here and there, and some jiggling hearts and brains in jars. Gore score: 1/10.

Speaking of jiggling, the gratuitous sexism and nudity is low on the scale as well. The zombies "happen" to rip open their victims' shirts while stabbing them, but it's so poorly shot that it doesn't really matter. There is one naked dancing girl, who is painted head to toe, and another young lady strapped to a torture table (for no reason what so ever). Once again, these scenes are poorly shot/lit/edited. Late 60's jiggly score of 3/10.

Unfortunately, the zombies in this movie are barely in this picture. Most of the film is taken up by John Carradine using a screwdriver. Or John Carradine flipping a switch. Or John Carradine telling his hunchback assistant about how he is going to flip a switch. Or the hunchback giving the camera a creepy look. Or federal agents talking in a room about John Carradine flipping a switch. After a while I found myself fast-forwarding lengthy sections of this movie. Boredom scale (0 being boring, 10 being Dawn of the Dead) 3/10.

Cheesy dialogue. A good "bad movie" will have a wealth of terrible one-liners and pseudo science. A bad "bad movie" will have dialogue too bad to make fun of, and acting worse than a 70's soft-core porn movie. I did enjoy the cheesy dialogue in this film. The best source of laughable lines came from Tura Satana, who was so cool and cruel that she almost seemed out of place in this film. Her bad acting was far better than everyone else's terrible acting. I give Astro Zombies a delicious cheesy dialogue score of 7/10.

Overall, I can't recommend this movie to fans of Zombie films. It is o.k. if you have a fascination with bad movies, though. Try to rent it, or pick it up used for under five dollars, if you are curious.

If you are considering to abstain from marijuana use (and you should), I recommend this movie to assist in any possible withdrawals that might insue. Plotless, disorienting and ineptly filmed, viewing this thing will give you the sensation of being hopelessly stoned.

So buy this movie and JUST SAY NO!

Astro Zombies is another legendary "worst movie of all time" playing second or third fiddle to Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space. And also like that film, though bad as it is, something actually clicks and the film becomes entertaining. So, it's a bad film, but not a truly bad film because a truly bad film would have no entertainment value at all(Michael Bay's Armageddon for example).

Schlockmeister Ted V. Mikels whips up a bizarre drive-in tale of spies, government agents, extremely fake looking solar "zombies" and insomnia curing mad scientist lab scenes. John Carradine is making these "Astro Men"(a kind of synthetic human made from live human parts. An early form of a cyborg if you will.)to be used in space travel. In the Frankenstein tradition, Carradine's first Astro Man has the brain of a psychotic or something and is out on a killing rampage. Carradine doesn't seem give a s*** about this in the least as he starts production on a new Astro Man. Also in the Frankenstein tradition is Carradine's mute, hunchback-like assistant. Meanwhile, government agents and spies(led by Tura Satana of course) are all trying to track down Carradine and get a piece of the Astro Man action.

Astro Zombies is known for it's very low budget(though it's not as shoddy looking as Mikels' the Corpse Grinders), low production values, low quality acting and FX, and just low everything!!!

But it's fun! In fact, I probably liked this movie more than I should have. That's not to say you will, but if you dig cult films, Astro Zombies is required reading.