Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love [Hardcover]

Amir Levine (Author), Rachel Heller (Author)

Book Description

Release date: December 30, 2010

Is there a science to love?

In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Attachment theory forms the basis for many bestselling books on the parent/child relationship, but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships-until now.

Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become. Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or more individuals is embedded in our genes.

In Attached, Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today. According to attachment theory, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

*ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

*AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

*SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mates) follow. It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships more wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner. An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Levine and social psychologist Heller, one™s adult romantic partnerships have patterns similar to those one has as a child with one™s parents. Our individual attachment styles are thus, they conclude, hardwired into our brains. Focusing on three main attachment styles (secure, anxious, and avoidant), the authors explain the biological facts behind our relationship needs, teach readers how to identify their own and loved ones™ attachment styles, and warn of the emotional price of connecting with someone with drastically different intimacy needs. Teaching readers communication skills to breach these differences, the authors stress that people have very different capacities for intimacy, and that partners must ensure each other™s emotional well-being. Chock-full of tips, questionnaires, and case studies, this is a solidly researched and intriguing approach to the perennial trials of œlooking for love in all the right places and improving existing relationships. (Jan.)
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Review

"A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship."
-John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

"Amir Levine and Rachel Heller have written a very smart book: It is clear, easy to read and insightful. It's a valuable tool whether you are just entering a relationship with a new partner or-as in my case--even after you've been married 21 years, and had thought you knew everything about your spouse."
-Mariette DiChristina, editor in chief, Scientific American

"Attached is a fascinating and enormously useful guide to one of life's most important ventures-finding and sustaining a secure, satisfying love relationship. Based on twenty-five years of research, laced with vivid and instructive examples, and enriched with interesting and well-designed exercises, the book provides deep insights and invaluable skills that will benefit every reader."
-Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of California, Davis and Past President, International Association for Relationship Research

"Cinderella's prince passionately turned his kingdom upside down simply to find her perfectly shaped foot, and they lived happily ever after. This book is for the rest of us. Whether already in a relationship or prospecting, Attached is intended to coach the "you" part of "just the two of you". The authors have distilled years of attachment theory research on the nature of human relationships into a practical, highly readable guide, allowing it's users to prevent or untangle doomed relationships or predict and enhance those that will wear well and fit for a lifetime."
-John B. Herman, M.D., Associate Chief of Psychiatry and Distinguished Scholar of Medical Psychiatry, Massachusetts General Hospital and Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

"This book is both fascinating and fun. Attached will help every reader understand whom they are attracted to as partners, why, and what they can do to reach fulfillment in love. I enjoyed every moment."
-Janet Klosko, PhD., co-author of the bestselling Reinventing Your Life

"A practical, enjoyable guide to forming rewarding romantic relationships."
-Kirkus Reviews

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Tarcher (December 30, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1585428485
• ISBN-13: 978-1585428489
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.7 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (109 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #35,467 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

126 of 130 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A more scientific path to true love January 6, 2011

By Steve Burns TOP 1000 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

This is an excellent book for those dating and looking for love and those already in a relationship that is not working and they wonder why not. The authors do a great job explaining attachment theory not only from a scientific perspective but also from a real world perspective with examples.

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

The book is about the frustration people feel in relationships when these types cross. The more an anxious person wants to be close to an avoidant person the more the avoidant withdraws fearful of losing their independence. Most anxious people function fine in all other areas of life then discover they are very anxious in relationships to their dismay. Anxious types many times confuse the feelings of being anxious with excitement toward a potential partner that is avoidant and miss out on secure people that they feel are boring. Secure people tend to soothe and help anxious types, while avoidants trigger anxious people and lead to hopeless pursuits and wasted time. Two avoidants can rarely be together in a relationship because no one holds it together they just drift apart.

Through open and honest communication in relationships you should be able to identify if a possible partner is some one who can meet your needs. The book teaches that you always benefit from honest communication because it moves you toward your goal of the right relationship regardless of the outcome. Do not get stuck in a dead end relationship, get out if your needs are not met. "It's a simple law of probability-the more you meet, the greater chances you'll find the one who is a good match for you.

"In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other's emotional well-being." Never forget that.

This book is the result of two decades of research, the principles presented can help you to find happiness in your romantic connections and to soar in all aspects of your life.

Excellent book, I highly recommend for those who want happy relationships.

44 of 47 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Answered and raised many questions February 2, 2011

By mnsesq

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

I felt like I was given the language via this book to pull together and understand what I have experienced my whole life and what perplexed me my whole life. It's like when you are struggling to understand the math equation and then the instant comes when you get it. That was this book, for me.

But I'm frustrated with something. "Attached" says that I, an anxious attachment style person, am more likely to choose a partner who is an avoidant style, that when I do my attachment needs will never be fully satisfied even if both partners are willing to change to some degree as recommended in the book. "Attached" recommends I choose a secure attachment style partner to be happy. It also says that my attachment system will be activated by an avoidant, say on a first date, causing me to be drawn to him, and not activated by a secure person, who will bore me. The recommendation is to not get turned on by the avoidant attachment style person. After all the outstanding explanations and recommendations in the book, I feel it really falls short with that pithy recommendation to just not get turned on by the avoidant! Any anxious person will tell you that's near impossible!

Where's the steps for the anxious person to bypass the immediate and biologically based attachment to the avoidant?! Secures probably have the ability to make a choice in their selection of a partner to a greater degree. If I do as recommended in accepting my attachement style, am I to accept that I'm doomed to be sucked in to a series if unsatisfying relationships with avoidant people? "Attached" does have a helpful section on evaluating anxious/avoidant relationships and improving them and even on getting out of them. The shortfall is in how to make a different choice at those critical moments before getting into the relationship. "Just say no" never really worked.

When the first revision comes out, I hope it includes another chapter.

39 of 44 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Cool, but more geared towards anxious attachment style people May 11, 2011

By John Smith

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

This book discusses different attachment styles people show. The book has a questionnaire so you can figure out your type, as well as another to find your partner's type (though the questionnaire is kind of an overkill, since it becomes immediately obvious from reading the description what you are. It still has some nice questions that make you "aha, so THAT is why I do this").
The book proceeds to discuss what it is like to have each of those attachment styles and advices. It also has chapters devoted to certain common patterns (e.g. avoidant - anxious).

The book is good to read. I have two takes though:
1. The book seems to be geared a lot towards anxious-attachment style people. The book has a lot of sympathetic language towards them. It also contains lots of negative statements towards avoidant-attachment people.
Since my own attachment style is avoidant, i expected a more unbiased and professional discussion. You can tell at least one of the authors suffered from being in a relationship with an avoidant person. It is odd to come to a book seeking advice on something only to find lots of negative language towards who you are. Imagine going to a therapist that will keep telling you how much of a horrible person you are. You get the idea!

2. The material in the book is really stretched. There are a few good ideas, but the authors keep dragging them over and over, giving a story after a story that doesn't add anything new. It is just a way to fill more space I guess. I'd prefer a more concise and smaller book.