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199 of 205 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A more scientific path to true love
This is an excellent book for those dating and looking for love and those already in a relationship that is not working and they wonder why not. The authors do a great job explaining attachment theory not only from a scientific perspective but also from a real world perspective with examples.

People basically have one of three attachment styles:...
Published on January 6, 2011 by Steve Burns

versus
131 of 151 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Cool, but more geared towards anxious attachment style people
This book discusses different attachment styles people show. The book has a questionnaire so you can figure out your type, as well as another to find your partner's type (though the questionnaire is kind of an overkill, since it becomes immediately obvious from reading the description what you are. It still has some nice questions that make you "aha, so THAT is why I do...
Published on May 11, 2011 by John Smith


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199 of 205 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A more scientific path to true love, January 6, 2011
This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
This is an excellent book for those dating and looking for love and those already in a relationship that is not working and they wonder why not. The authors do a great job explaining attachment theory not only from a scientific perspective but also from a real world perspective with examples.

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

The book is about the frustration people feel in relationships when these types cross. The more an anxious person wants to be close to an avoidant person the more the avoidant withdraws fearful of losing their independence. Most anxious people function fine in all other areas of life then discover they are very anxious in relationships to their dismay. Anxious types many times confuse the feelings of being anxious with excitement toward a potential partner that is avoidant and miss out on secure people that they feel are boring. Secure people tend to soothe and help anxious types, while avoidants trigger anxious people and lead to hopeless pursuits and wasted time. Two avoidants can rarely be together in a relationship because no one holds it together they just drift apart.

Through open and honest communication in relationships you should be able to identify if a possible partner is some one who can meet your needs. The book teaches that you always benefit from honest communication because it moves you toward your goal of the right relationship regardless of the outcome. Do not get stuck in a dead end relationship, get out if your needs are not met. "It's a simple law of probability-the more you meet, the greater chances you'll find the one who is a good match for you.

"In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other's emotional well-being." Never forget that.

This book is the result of two decades of research, the principles presented can help you to find happiness in your romantic connections and to soar in all aspects of your life.

Excellent book, I highly recommend for those who want happy relationships.
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99 of 105 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Answered and raised many questions, February 2, 2011
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This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
I felt like I was given the language via this book to pull together and understand what I have experienced my whole life and what perplexed me my whole life. It's like when you are struggling to understand the math equation and then the instant comes when you get it. That was this book, for me.

But I'm frustrated with something. "Attached" says that I, an anxious attachment style person, am more likely to choose a partner who is an avoidant style, that when I do my attachment needs will never be fully satisfied even if both partners are willing to change to some degree as recommended in the book. "Attached" recommends I choose a secure attachment style partner to be happy. It also says that my attachment system will be activated by an avoidant, say on a first date, causing me to be drawn to him, and not activated by a secure person, who will bore me. The recommendation is to not get turned on by the avoidant attachment style person. After all the outstanding explanations and recommendations in the book, I feel it really falls short with that pithy recommendation to just not get turned on by the avoidant! Any anxious person will tell you that's near impossible!

Where's the steps for the anxious person to bypass the immediate and biologically based attachment to the avoidant?! Secures probably have the ability to make a choice in their selection of a partner to a greater degree. If I do as recommended in accepting my attachement style, am I to accept that I'm doomed to be sucked in to a series if unsatisfying relationships with avoidant people? "Attached" does have a helpful section on evaluating anxious/avoidant relationships and improving them and even on getting out of them. The shortfall is in how to make a different choice at those critical moments before getting into the relationship. "Just say no" never really worked.

When the first revision comes out, I hope it includes another chapter.
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131 of 151 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Cool, but more geared towards anxious attachment style people, May 11, 2011
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This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
This book discusses different attachment styles people show. The book has a questionnaire so you can figure out your type, as well as another to find your partner's type (though the questionnaire is kind of an overkill, since it becomes immediately obvious from reading the description what you are. It still has some nice questions that make you "aha, so THAT is why I do this").
The book proceeds to discuss what it is like to have each of those attachment styles and advices. It also has chapters devoted to certain common patterns (e.g. avoidant - anxious).

The book is good to read. I have two takes though:
1. The book seems to be geared a lot towards anxious-attachment style people. The book has a lot of sympathetic language towards them. It also contains lots of negative statements towards avoidant-attachment people.
Since my own attachment style is avoidant, i expected a more unbiased and professional discussion. You can tell at least one of the authors suffered from being in a relationship with an avoidant person. It is odd to come to a book seeking advice on something only to find lots of negative language towards who you are. Imagine going to a therapist that will keep telling you how much of a horrible person you are. You get the idea!

2. The material in the book is really stretched. There are a few good ideas, but the authors keep dragging them over and over, giving a story after a story that doesn't add anything new. It is just a way to fill more space I guess. I'd prefer a more concise and smaller book.
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79 of 92 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Avoid this book if you are already married, October 19, 2011
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This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
In this book they try to extrapolate the highly validated attachment research on parent-child relationships to adult romantic relationships.

I think this works well for single people trying to make a good choice of partner but is reckless and irresponsible when applied to people who are already married. For single people, who ideally have not already fallen in love with someone, I would say this book is invaluable. When you are dating, it is so hard to discern, of all the foibles and flaws that your date has, which you'll be able to live with and which will be the eventual doom of your relationship. So their speculative endeavor is appropriate for decisions like, should you go on to the second date or not.

On the other hand, it is not well grounded enough to make life altering decisions like should you break up your family and get a divorce. The authors primarily base their ideas off of dating workshops they run. They divide all of humanity into 3 categories. Woe to you if you married someone in the avoidant category. They lump everyone with an avoidant attachment as uniformly hopeless. First off, is that true? Of course not every avoidant is equally avoidant and some situations may be more repairable than others. They fairly directly advise you that you should leave a relationship with an avoidant if you ever want to be happy. Never mind the fact that the authors are not seasoned couples therapists and don't have extensive experience trying to save marriages. Never mind that they have no research data to support their dire pronouncements. Never mind that actually truly effective evidenced based therapy does exist to heal the very relationships that they are advising you to give up on. Never mind the fact that they actually say in the book that they don't know much about avoidant attachment types (presumably because these types don't attend their dating workshops) and their description of this type is almost a caricature. They have the nerve to say that one of the signs that your partner is avoidant is if his behavior was more romantic during courtship and then the romance fades after marriage. Probably 75% of the US population would decide to send their spouses packing.

This is not a balanced presentation at all. People in the secure and anxious categories can be in relationship and people in the avoidant category ate misfits that you should just avoid. If your marriage is troubled this book allows you to feel smug and righteous. You can decide that your partner is avoidant and you now have "scientific" proof that your troubles are all your partner's fault, and you should just divorce them and make a more informed choice next time. Many people in troubled marriage already harbor these kinds of thoughts and to get "scientific" proof that it is all your partner's fault is insidious and destructive. I think it is horribly irresponsible for them to make these hopeless statements when, in fact, true help does exist.

This book is not the fruit of wise, seasoned professionals. Instead it is a fairly immature, simplistic almost gossipy presentation on love. If you are having trouble in your marriage please read "Hold Me Tight" and avoid this book. This book contains a lot of unfounded, ideas that will leave you hopeless when there may still be hope.
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16 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Incredible, life changing book! A must read for the perpetually single., October 18, 2012
After another baffling two months with a dude that left me feeling like I needed a lobotomy, I stumbled upon this book in a store and devoured it quickly. It detailed perfectly what I knew instinctually for years, but that our culture and society had been getting me to try to repress for the better part of my single life, namely that I was "needy" and "clingy" (untrue, I am very independent and when I feel secure in a relationship, I do not act out) and my need to be in a relationship was not a mental illness that needed to be medicated. Pop psychology dictates that people need to be self reliant and that any desire or "need" for another person is weakness, when the reality is that this is not true. This book lays out pretty convincingly that our bonds are rooted in biology and that when we are much more successful and happy when we're in a relationship.

I had been engaging in a on-again, off again relationship with a classic avoidant for years, completely baffled by his confusing behavior (insisting he didn't want a relationship but continuing to see me for years, it was clear he had feelings but any time we became closer, he would freak out) and this book laid out their motivations pretty clearly, that they want to be in a relationship but are simply suprressing these desires and their distancing strategies are just their mechanisms for maintaining distance. What was most useful was their explanation how the avoidant begins to idealize the ex after the ex finally leaves when there is no longer a threat of intimacy, which explained pretty clearly why this person would come back after we wouldn't talk for months.

It was very validating to read a book that did not make me feel sad and pathetic (unlike 99% of self help relationship books that offer trite advice like "work on yourself" as if you haven't already done this) and made me see why I was acting the way I was, and why the anxious and avoidant are drawn to each other. They both feed into each other's complex: the anxious continues to believe no one will ever love them and the avoidant continues to believe everyone around them is clingy and needy and somewhere out there is a magical person who will have no emotional needs, as the authors put it.

This book is great and I highly recommend it for anyone interested in the science behind our romantic attachments and who is sick and tired of relationship advice based on gender stereotypes (all men want sex, all women just want love) or that makes you feel bad for wanting bonds. Humans need attachments and social support, not isolation. This is very illuminating, and I hope to put this advice into practice in my own romantic life.
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36 of 41 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Good overview, but biased and a bit too simplistic, October 1, 2011
This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
I thought this book was really helpful and insightful in breaking relationship styles down into three distinct classes - anxious, avoidant, and secure. It provided me with a way of looking at how I relate in relationships and how my past partners have related to me. It also helped me see some patterns I have in relationships.

That being said, I think the book oversimplifies things to such an extent that it creates stereotypes/categorizations that are dangerous/unhelpful, and I think the authors express a strong bias toward anxious types that is not justified.

With regard to oversimplification, the book tends to look at each category as a distinct class, black and white - you're one or the other. Perhaps some people fit into one or the other very neatly, but I think for many, it is a mix of styles, with elements of each. When I took the test in the book, I found myself to have avoidant tendencies (and if I had to choose, I would probably classify myself in this category), mainly in the strong desire for autonomy and independence, BUT I have never treated a partner with disrespect or put her down, and I often actually strongly champion and support the person, which behaviors fall into the secure category. And I have some anxious tendencies. I think there are both positives and some serious negatives to such strong categorization as the authors advocate.

My other issue is how much the authors seem biased towards anxious style. They repeatedly note that our society supports independence and autonomy, and not relying on other people, and the authors recognize that we really need to value our interconnection and each individual's need for mutual support. While I wholeheartedly agree with this, the authors have gone too far in the book - a person who has a true anxious style of relating often relies on another person to find a sense of wholeness. I think that while we are all inter-connected and must rely on each other, we also need to tap into a place of truly loving ourselves and finding the beauty within ourselves. The constant seeking externally for validation and worth (an anxious style, and something I do sometimes) is harmful; we are constantly blowing in the wind of the whims and opinions of others. Is that healthy? The authors don't seem to address this issue and often just encourage the anxious type to "acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs." They specifically say "Don't be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you're not in relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and depend on him." (Page 99 I agree with the "don't be ashamed" part, but really? It's fine to feel incomplete? Isn't there a valuable opportunity to heal here? How about finding wholeness within yourself and then getting into a relationship? Now, that will be a beautiful and healthy relationship, and you will have grown immensely. I wish joy, peacefulness, and connection to everyone who is on this journey of better understanding relationships and how we relate. May healing and self-acceptance come to you on the journey!
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17 of 18 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Beware: not for everyone, March 15, 2012
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This is my first review. I read the Kindle version of Attached, and I have two major criticisms of the book.

First, the book is really written for the anxious types. Its first principle is that our attachment needs are legitimate, and then the comes down hard on avoidant attachment needs (ie independence). Fair enough, as most avoidant types probably don't read relationship books. I've self diagnosed myself as avoidant, and I saw very little of myself in the character in the avoidant personality. Also, as an introvert and a highly sensitive person, I've got legitimate needs for my space and time that were not addressed.

Second, as someone else mentioned, the tables are hard to read on the Kindle.

I gave it three stars, instead of one star, because there was some useful exercises and thoughts on defensive strategies used by people with different attachment styles. Also, I liked the analysis of the dating marketplace, and how it has become clogged with insecurely attached people.

Now I just need a blueprint on how to get to security.
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21 of 23 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing!, January 12, 2011
This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
This book is incredible. Hands down the best relationship book I've every read, and trust me, I've read a bunch. Approaching relationship dynamics from the perspective of attachment theory is genius and the model fits my personal experience 100%.

The clarity with which this book answers common questions such as "am I really compatible with my mate?", "does it make sense to start a relationship with this person?", "is this relationship worth staying in" with crystal clarity.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who is in a relationship, looking for a relationship, or even avoiding a relationship
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57 of 69 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Very Good but Incomplete, February 26, 2011
By 
Mellaril (Montgomery Co, MD) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
I found the book both interesting and informative. After reading it, I saw things in my relationship patterns that went back to high school and I was able to understand how my childhood may have affected my attachment style. I also thought the explanation of "protest behavior" was excellent.

That said, I feel the book takes a superficial look at what causes attachment styles and deals with how to manage a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style vice addressing its underlying causes. Much of the behavior described in the red flags table is blatantly abusive. The authors discuss the avoidant-anxious axes but apart from secure attachment styles, they bypass the quadrants these axes form. The authors scrupulously avoid bringing personality disorders into the mix. While not everyone with an insecure attachment has a personality disorder, the clinical literature indicates persons with personality disorders have insecure attachments. One study says, "For Dutton and colleagues,35 both fearful and preoccupied attachment, as assessed by the RQ and RSQ in abusive men, were predictive for borderline personality, but fearful attachment was so strong a predictor that the authors concluded that having borderline personality was the prototype for this particular attachment style." ([...]) You will not find any reference to fearful attachments in the book. Borderline personality disorder appears once in the text but not in the index. I was in a 5yr relationship with a woman with this attachment style and failing to address this in the book is a serious omission. At its worst, it could lead someone to stay in an abusive, even dangerous, relationship with someone in the false hope that if they did enough of the right things to calm the insecure attachment, good results might eventually materialize. If the cause of the insecure attachment is a personality disorder, that's unlikely to happen. There are enough high conflict divorces and real and false, accusations of domestic violence without a book that leads you to believe the problem isn't as serious as it may really be.

Again, I thought the book was very good. It was easy to read and has lots of good information. It just leaves a lot of important information out.
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31 of 36 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful, Easy to Read - A Fantastic book!, January 2, 2011
This review is from: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love (Hardcover)
What an amazing book. For years I had been hearing friends and others identify their behaviors with such negative labels like "co-dependent" or "needy", etc. Now comes this easy-to-read, easy-to-understand book that sheds all new light on relationship patterns! I've learned that those former, negative labels like 'needy' are not really helpful - my relationship style has more to do with my attachment style.

I continually found this book enlightening -- i could even see some of my past relationships within the many examples provided in the book.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone interested in understanding some simple truths about having a successful relationship - it's a great book.
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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love
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