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on November 15, 2010
We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long... I will type as fast as I can.

DO NOT USE THE CABLES!

We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this... accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the... whispers... began.

Were they Aramaic? Hyperborean? Some even more ancient tongue, first spoken by elder races under the red light of dying suns far from here? We do not know, but somehow, slowly... we began to UNDERSTAND.

No, no, please! I don't want to remember! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER! I saw brave men claw their own eyes out... oh, god, the screaming... the mobs of feral children feasting on corpses, the shadows MOVING, the fires burning in the air! The CHANTING!

WHY CAN'T I FORGET THE WORDS???

We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

Do not use the cables!
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on March 19, 2009
If there is one cable I would whole-heartedly trust to my Chimera-hunting needs, this would be the cable. No other cable has the tensile strength to properly and efficiently garrote a lycanthrope, asphyxiate an Esquilax or even gag a mermaid. Last week, using my trusty AudioQuest K2 (retrofitted with lead weights, bright orange latex paint and a generous coating of crushed glass stolen from the window of an abandoned church at midnight), I managed to snuff 3 golden unicorns in swift succession!

Pros: Quickly tears through scales, fur, bone, and adamantium with ease
Coils and uncoils from hip holster (optional) quickly and quietly
For a product fabricated from 1,000 Onyx Dragon fetuses, the price is unbelievably reasonable!

Cons: Shipping from the R'lyeh took far too long
Doesn't come in 10' lengths (which would be perfect for hydra, cerberii and other multi-headed creatures)
After every use, I can feel 6 ounces of my soul slipping from my core into the ether. But this may be due to the fact that I prefer to work without gloves. YMMV.

Overall, I would recommend that any hunter buy one, nay, two, of these immediately, and experience the difference that upgrading to the K2 will make in your next quest!
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on December 30, 2010
My cats chewed on this cable and now they can both speak. One of them is gay and the other wants to kill me. I would have rather not known.
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on November 28, 2010
Even when I buffered the lightning down to a few thousand volts, these cables burned out before revivification could take place. Worse, while wasting time with these the body began to putrify; now I have to go out and dig up fresh materials and spend all that time stitching them together again.

Doesn't anyone screen these ads?
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on November 28, 2010
Using these cables, and only using these cables, I was finally able to hear an auditory gem that has been long rumored among music connaisseurs - Aretha Franklin's stress-fart just prior to her high A in her recording of "You're All I Need to Get By".

Worth every penny.
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on October 26, 2009
With the help of this cable, I can now experience music the way it's meant to be heard. I find that plugging this directly into my ears helps transmit the cleanest, most pure sound. Make sure you clean your ears out though (with liquefied dark matter, of course), because quality will suffer if your ear-holes aren't sparkly clean.

Also, I can fly now because of this cable.
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on December 3, 2010
They're TOO good. I plugged these things into my 50W Magnavox 2.1 surround receiver and they impregnated my daughter. And I don't even have a daughter. I had to return them so I can afford the pregnant daughter that my future wife is going to give birth to.
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on November 27, 2010
I was a bit skeptical, but decided to take a chance and took out a second mortgage on my home to buy these cables. In a great wave of luck however, the cables actually built me a NEW house shortly after I lost mine to foreclosure (I lost my job after missing 2 weeks straight due to illness. Between you and I, though, I was really just spending 16 hours a day tweaking the connectors on these cables to get the best possible sound from my speakers.)

Although I love my new home, I do not love it as much as I do these cables. They are quickly becoming the favorite thing in my life, a position which used to be held by my daughter. She's old enough to take care of herself now, at least that's what I tell the Children's Services agent when they try to lecture me about food and clothing and blah blah blah.

Final verdict: buy 3 pair.
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on April 20, 2011
What a piece of junk. I had a $20 wire roll from Radio Shack and another $14 sunk in banana plugs, and they worked perfectly fine. But I was looking for great, not 'perfectly fine'. So, as any reasonable person would logically conclude, I needed to spend $8,400 on speaker cables.

I ordered these babies and hooked them up. They didn't even work! I mean, no sound. Nada. I put back in my old 'shack wires and I got music again. Tried my AudioQuests again, and... nothing.

Being the tinkerer that I am, I got out my x-acto knife and cut into the sleeve. The damn thing's full of cocaine! From one end to the other, not one wire in the case. Just 16 feet of cocaine in a fancy package. I dunno if this is supposed to be a grown man's Pixie Stick or something, but I feel cheated.
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on January 31, 2012
My story is a grim one, though I shall be brief in the telling. I bought these cables as a kindness to help the old man with whom I lodge although he has a great deal of money of his own, a fact which caused me, I confess, no little grievance. His hearing is affected with the deafness of old age and I believed that a fine pair of speaker cables would extend the years of his auditory pleasure.

I was never sure that he was using them, as I could hear no music coming from within his chamber, and he expressed no gratitude that I had done such a generous thing for him - this last, however, though it galled me, surprised me not, as he is by nature a tight, hard, walnut-hearted man, miserly with his feelings even towards those who help him so.

I took to creeping into his chamber in the night to see whether he was using the speakers and cables covertly, assuming I would be abed and asleep. I could scarcely credit such an act would be possible, even from such a man, but - my hand trembles to record it - I found it so.

Putting my head by degrees within the door of his chamber I discovered him in bed, insensible to my presence, enjoying the music (such clarity! such angelic harmony I now heard!) a smile of almost lustful joy upon his sunken chops.

How quickly and suddenly my fury rose - that he should know I had struck myself with the direst poverty to increase his musical pleasure, yet not to grant me the merest sliver of acknowledgement or gratitude! I was for a moment a madman, and in that instant I leaped within the room and pulled the heavy speaker cabinets upon him. I checked that he was deceased - his heart beat on for several seconds, muffled as a watch within cotton wool, and then ceased.

I will not trouble you with the gross details of the disposal of the body. Suffice to say that I removed him and his corporeal traces so completely from this earth that when the constables called the next day, inquiring after noises neighbours had heard in the night, I greeted them with utmost equanimity. I invited them in. I threw open all the doors. I took them within the very chamber where I had done the deed. A reckless confidence akin to madness seized me.

'Are these not fine speakers?' I cried. 'See, the very cables themselves did cost thousands of dollars; can there be any clearer evidence that I loved the old man?' At that, I promised I would let them hear the marvels of those devilish wires and I played them music - or so I intended. To my growing horror, all that emerged was a beat; a rhythmic, steady beat, growing to a clamour - and muffled no more, but clear, sparkling, crystalline in all its awful clarity, a noise that pronounced my guilt.

'Fiendish cables!' I shrieked. 'Cease your denunciation! I confess! It is the high definition beating of his hideous heart!'
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