Customer Reviews

Authentic Conversations: Moving from Manipulation to Truth and Commitment

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This book is challenging and provocative. It's not one you can breeze through because it has this unsettling knack for holding up a mirror and saying, "Hey look. There's something here I want you to see." The something it wants us to understand is how deeply our everyday conversations at work are riddled with a lack of authenticity and how that lack stifles engagement and personal accountability. As a result, business results are less than they could be.

At the heart of this problem is an enormous collusion--a pattern of parent-child conversations that have become undiscussible in daily life. These norms in turn create organizational culture. The Showkeirs' fundamental premise is if you want to change a culture you have to change the conversations--difficult and, in their view, dangerous work. To change those conversations we have to accept our complicity in them.

The book is broken into two broad sections. First the Showkeir's lay out their case for change. Then, the offer a set protocols for shifting those conversations.

The case for change starts with an identification of "relationships that don't work at work ". Specifically, they point out how the following conversations--holding others accountable, caretaking, coping with disappointment and colluding with cynicism--are so deeply engrained that we take them for granted. "In all cases, these types of conversations have a detrimental impact on the culture and the business", they argue.

The conversations rest on a set of "old" management assumptions that see people as objects, ignore individual freedom and will, use policies and procedures that ensure compliance and emphasize leaders and experts while ignoring those who work in the system.

Leaders who see their role as "holding people accountable (as opposed to them being accountable) and who seek to protect their organizations from the rough and tumble vicissitudes of the market place (as opposed to helping them understand those realities) are operating from an implicit parent child model. This model puts unreasonable expectations on the leader and creates dependency in those led. [Although the Showkeirs chose not to venture into a discussion of contemporary American politics, it was hard for me to avoid looking at their arguments in the light of how self interest seems to be trumping service on the public stage.]

The Showkeirs explore the power of cynics to sap organizational change efforts of vitality and momentum. They become, in effect, a black hole into which hopes for a better future disappear. Leaders who seek to protect people from disappointment by promising safe landings in all difficult circumstances create cynics.

The antidote to all of this is to promote an "adult to adult culture" in which each individual in the organization:
* Becomes the eyes and voice of the business
* Brings an independent point of view
* Is expected to raise difficult issues
* Extends a spirit of goodwill to the endeavor
* Creates business literacy in others
* Choose accountability for the success of the whole business
* Manages his own morale, motivation and commitment

These qualities propel an organization from manipulation to engagement. People in the organization are enabled, ennobled and empowered--by their own choice. Manipulative conversational practices like name dropping, hidden agendas, over promising, sarcasm and exaggerated optimism or pessimism are replaced by authentic ones. All of this requires that we remain vigilant to three levels that operate in any conversation: the content, others' emotional responses and our own emotional responses. To business that operate on the belief that "business is about logic and fact based decisions", these three realities are radical in their own right.

Having laid out their case, the last portion of the book is a "practical guides to conversations like:
* Facing a difficult issue
* Seeking an exception (a radical reversal of the common organizational practice that it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission)
* Proposing change
* Introducing a mandate
* Renegotiating an established relationship
* Initiating endings
* Dealing with individual performance

These types of conversations, done in a manipulative parent-child environment, tie people in knots. Done authentically, they create clear, clean communication which, in turn, drives business performance to higher and higher levels.

A simple, honest conversation has the power to change the way your staff members think and even to shape your corporate culture. Effective work environments encourage employees to act according to their individual sense of responsibility and to pull together to make the business as good as it can be. This beats ordering people to do their best, then watching them like a hawk to make sure they don't make mistakes. To promote a spirit of accountability among your staff members, communication and corporate-culture experts Jamie and Maren Showkeir recommend engaging them in "authentic conversations" and avoiding the parent-child discourses common in many firms. In this thoughtful, inspiring book, they explain how to foster positive conversations. getAbstract recommends it to all leaders, from top executives to human resources professionals, supervisors and coaches.

The authors of Authentic Conversations declare up front that they want
the first half of this book to raise a mirror to typical workplace
culture. It makes for uncomfortable reading because it shows us how
much growing up we've all got to do.

The big idea here is that business culture operates from a Parent-Child
interaction (think Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.).
What this looks like is that managers (meet the parents) act in a supervisory, but
also protective role towards the workforce (the children), who are concerned
with complying with their job description. This sounds all too familiar for most of us.
The authors suggest that we need to mature into an Adult-Adult way of interacting.
This is done by initiating authentic conversations based on truth over manipulation.
It means declaring that we cannot see into the future and we have made mistakes.
It means everyone being accountable for the success of the business at hand.
The second half of this book suggests ways to start these conversations.

I consider this book as offering a radical transformation for the workplace
and how we see ourselves in it. By being accountable each of us must take
responsibility and stop blaming management or staff for poor performance.
The good news: this transformation can begin right now. And it begins
with you and me.

This is a wonderful book. It is utterly straightforward and practical. In a thoughtful way, Jamie and Maren practice what they preach, articulating their message with graciousness, high integrity and clarity.

This is not so much a book of advice as a book of examples, organized in a way that helps us understand where we commonly stumble. In every chapter, there is a little gem that makes one wonder--"Now why didn't I think of that?" But that's the magic: they see through the fog of convoluted, sugar-coated, and manipulative communication. Then they articulate and demonstrate how to to do it better. I have already shared it with friends and each of us has already put the ideas to good use. It's a lovely piece of work.

In this masterfully crafted and thought-provoking work, the authors engage you from the start with their revelation of what really goes on in an organization's culture and why today's 160+ year old models of management won't work in today's environment. For those with the conviction, courage and strength to favorably and lastingly change an organization, a long-overdue wisdom and powerful tools have finally arrived.

I can't remember the last time I was this excited about a book on corporate cultures and leadership. With so many organizations today desperately looking for ways to get better at what they do, right under their noses, literally, are the solutions. Authentic Conversations presents persuasive business reasons for change, and puts forth a proven strategy to get on with changing and unleashing the organization's buried and dormant core potential. It left me wanting more.

In this wonderful little book, Jamie and Maren Showkeir address carefully and thoughtfully the most fundamental of all social skills: open talking and listening. Without this skill, which in most contexts is woefully underattended to, we cannot address any of our most important challenges, either at home, or at work, or in the world. Read it, practice it, spread the word.

Authentic Conversations is a handbook, of sorts, for the future, for those hoping to have one. The world has changed. We can no longer get away with treating others as if they are our slaves, whether in a family or in a work environment. The Internet allowed a connection that was previously unavailable. We now must learn to communicate honestly, with grace and kindness...if we are to have any relationships in our lives that truly matter. Bravo to the authors and publishers. This will become a "must have" in every office and in every family bookshelf.

Authentic Conversations provides concrete examples of how to communicate with employees, coworkers, and others. The authors explain why certain communications fail and others succeed. I have incorporated their suggestions into my practice and find that it is not as difficult as it might seem to be--to be truthful and vulnerable. This has helped me build self-confidence as a leader, and has gained me respect from those I work with.

Authentic conversations is easy to grasp, quick to read, and one to keep on your shelf and refer to often! Read it and give a copy to others in your organization who you know will benefit from this straight forward approach to communication.

According to Rodd Wagner and James K. Harter of the Gallup polling organization, "The evidence is clear that creation and maintenance of high employee engagement, as one of the few determinants of profitability largely within a company's control, is one of the most crucial imperatives of any successful organization." Their research contained in this book (pp. 18-19) identifies companies with engaged workers have significantly less turnover, less employee theft, fewer accidents, less absenteeism, higher customer service scores, higher productivity and profitability, and earnings per share.
Authentic Conversations is about developing engaging relationships. Trust, engagement, and personal accountability grow out of the conversations we have within the workplace and elsewhere. This book provides an array of ideas and pathways to authentic, engaging conversations.
As a CPA, I enjoyed the insights provided in Chapter 3 "The Myth of Holding Others Accountable." It identifies as much as managers want to control and hold others accountable, their success is one-sided and failures abound. Understanding and true accountability flows from honest, meaningful dialogue that Jamie and Maren Showkeir demystify in this book.
In my opinion, leaders and followers who aspire to be future leaders should read this book. It provides a breath of fresh insights and strategies for success.

It's no secret that the best business books drive positive change in the workplace with admonitions about taking control by managing your boss, or using a positive mental attitude as a path to success at work or perhaps more directly, stop complaining and do something. Authentic Conversation is certainly a great business book. Clearly, if organizations would simply have adult relationships and conversations with their employees, HR departments might have more time to plan company picnics or catch up on their reading. After all, how much HR time is spent on boarding and off boarding employees who likely would not have left in the first place if they just knew how to talk to each other like adults and have authentic conversations routed in individual responsibility and self-awareness? How many conversations with our spouses, children, family, and friends skirt the real issues, avoid taking responsibility for our action, and without intent hurt those we love by simply not having the courage or wisdom to have a authentic conversation? This is a book that will show you how have these conversations in simple, well-constructed, measured language that is a pleasure to read. Take this book to work and let its message make working a whole lot more fun. Take it home and see how it changes your life. And in the end, that's the change we're all looking for.

Mark Morrow,
Alexandria, VA