Customer Reviews

The Aware Baby

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I just finished reading this book and think it is extrordinary. This book is built on the premise that babies need to cry--in parents' arms with tender, loving support--in order to release stress. When adults intervene to stop the crying (if there is no immediate cause like hunger, pain, dirty diaper, etc) they can inadvertently prevent the baby from healing from stresses and hurts. She included a story on crying it out/sleep training with her son that was really heartbreaking; her discussion of co-sleeping is powerful and very supportive. Some of her ideas are controversial; she opposes comfort nursing to stop crying, for example. However, her approach is very loving, respectful, and supportive of the baby. I've been implementing some of her suggestions and am so wonderfully surprised to see my 12-month old daughter happier and more relaxed than I have ever known her.

Her section on discipline is really illuminating. She believes that it is impossible for a baby to "misbehave." By extension, there is no reason to punish or threaten a baby for his/her actions. She also has an interesting discourse on the problem with praise. Solter promotes "democratic discipline" as opposed to authoritarian or permissive parenting. Democratic discipline involves meeting problem behaviors with a response that honors the needs of all involved. She includes several real-world examples to illustrate this method. She also encourages natural consequences wherever possible and includes an interesting discussion about why they are so much more useful than parent-created ones.

It is vital that this information get out to the general public. So few parents really realize what traumatizes a child, and how to help. Also, few parents realize how detrimental punishment and rewards are to the development of a child. Our whole society is based upon CONTROLLING other people, and that is what is taught throughout society at every turn. How lovely and refreshing to see someone really respecting children as human beings and treating them democratically, and giving us actual tools to use to do this. I have attended Dr. Solter's workshops and she is very helpful in providing concrete examples of what to do, as is this book. What's great is, she has raised her own two children using this method of no punishment or rewards, and with allowing them to freely express their emotions as needed, and she has two bright, loving caring adult children to show for it. You're children WON'T become manipulative, they will become self-regulated and self-disciplined. I can vouch for the fact that using punishment and rewards is a trap, it doesn't work to produce the kind of child I wanted, I have freely allowed my children to make their own choices about their lives, and I am very pleased with the results. It's great when they feel valued and respected instead of controlled. The book has great scientific research about the effects of punishment and stress children's brain development. It's worth the read just to learn about all the great research that's been done which no one ever hears about.

(I came to www.amazon.com to buy the new edition of this book for a friend and decided I had to write a review.) If you could have only one book about babies/parenting, this would be the book you should choose! The information in this book and your use of it will be the gift of a lifetime for your child. I read the original edition of this book in March '85 before the birth of my first child. My children are now 17, 15 and 12, and they are AWESOME. I wonder sometimes that it is just my opinion because I am their mother, but we have gotten and still get sincere compliments about our children from waitresses, teachers, coaches, relatives, other parents and even other children!

I had the notion that all babies are born perfect, and it is the parents' job to insure that nothing in their childrearing changes that. That notion coupled with following the advice and guidance of Aletha Solter in "The Aware Baby" are the recipe for the best children you can imagine. Most people, myself included, suffered some form of abuse as children from parents who knew no better. Many of us spend years in therapy trying to heal those wounds. "The Aware Baby" will help you raise your children so all of their "wounds" are healed as they occur. You are shown how to respect your childrens feelings and allow them to experience them fully. This way nothing gets buried inside waiting to trip them up later in life.

To many people this approach to parenting will seem wonderful but difficult: you must give your child what you may never have gotten. The wonderful thing about this is that in the process you will reap your own rewards of your beautiful parenting.

Actually, the best testimony for this book came from my oldest son who recently said, "Mama, when I have kids will you raise them for me? You have done such a great job with us." I told him that I was honored by his request, but I assured him of the truth that I know in my heart: he has absorbed every gift that I got from "The Aware Baby" and will be an awesome father some day.

When my child was a baby he cried a lot, and this made me desperate. Of course, I nursed him, held him, talked to him, changed his diaper, rocked him, bounced him, wore him in a sling, etc. Sometimes these actions would "help" (he would stop crying), and sometimes he just kept on fussing or crying. At those times I felt like a terrible mom. Why is my child so sad, I would wonder. Thank goodness for Dr. Aletha Solter! With her approach (based on copious research), I came to see that crying can be a release mechanism.
Parents misguidedly think that the crying itself is the problem. For example, if a child falls down, he is crying because of the hurt (or surprise) of the fall. Getting him to stop crying is not stopping the pain! Dr. Solter's work taught me how to be with my crying child in a respectful, loving, gentle way.
This book is NOT about leaving your child to cry!!! It is not a "cry it out" approach. It is about sensitively filling your child's needs and being present with her in her hour of need.
I strongly recommend it.

I received this book when my daughter was a baby and it helped me to understand -- and to be understanding of -- her crying. Once all her needs -- including comfort were met, there was still a need for her to release tensions. Solter's book allowed me to provide her with this release, while still "being there" for her in a calmer manner.
I also read Dr. Sears' books, but they always left me feeling that I was "doing something wrong." Sometimes babies just do cry and there is no other reason that can be pinpointed. This is the only book that helps you realize the natural release that crying is. If you have ever felt the relief that comes after a good cry, you will undertand how practical and reasonable Solter's ideas are. (Her advice is also based on sound science).
The advice in this book is really so practical -- it is almost obvious -- that it is frustrating to realize how are society has turned the natural process of crying into something to be viewed negatively. After reading this book, I still cringe every time I hear a quiet baby referred to as a "good" baby and crying as "bad." If your baby is crying there is nothing wrong with you -- or with your little one. (Once other medical and other needs have been addressed).
The Aware Baby focuses most on the baby years but outlines Solter's research and ideas and on crying very clearly and also helps with older children. I would advise reading this book first and then reading her other books (Tears and Tanrums, and Helping Young Children Flourish), which are invaluable resources as your child grows and begins to enter the world on his/her own.
By advocating crying, Solter is not encouraging you to let your child fuss or to give in to your child's demands. On the contrary, Solter advises that parents provide clear limits and say no to their child when necessary. They must realize, however, that their child has the right and need to release their stress and disappointments through crying and even raging. My daughter is now school-age and I use these books as references at least once a month.
If only more parents and educators alike would read Solter's books our world would be able to provide children with the real compassion and respect they deserve. And many of the problems and stresses facing our children would be alleviated. Don't delay -- buy this book!

Our baby was 7 weeks old when this book was purchased. I didn't feel that leaving a baby to cry on his own was right, nor did I think that overfeeding would benefit him. I needed an alternative and this book was a godsend. No longer do we stress about trying to put him to bed awake then rocking like crazy to get him to sleep. He cries in our arms when it all gets a bit much then he's off to sleep, sometimes we even get a smile before he nods off. Then we put him to bed asleep. Contrary to popular opinion, he doesn't get a fright when he wakes up in either his basinette or our bed. He is an alert and happy wee man (now 3months old).
I thank Aletha Solter for her book which has allowed us to accept all his behaviour with love and to look at our own childhood issues. I recommend his book to any parent, teacher, friend, grandparent, counsellor, nanny, anyone actually. As my mum said "it's a revelation! I wish I'd known about it when you kids were small".

I think this is an interesting approach to child rearing. It is true that it's very hard to listen to your baby cry and it is even harder for other people to listen to your baby cry. This approach suggests that instead of trying to distract your child from crying or leave them to cry it out, you lovingly hold your baby as they get all their crying out and release any stress they have been holding in. On the one hand it makes sense to let them release or experience their emotions with the loving comfort of a parent. However, sometimes (or most of the time) people don't have an hour or more to just sit with their baby and let them cry. What do you do if you have friends over or you are in the grocery store or you have other children to take care of? How do you just go sit down for an hour to let your baby cry? One thing that bothered me was that the author is convinced that colic is not real. Babies are crying because of stress and not because of digestion problems. I had a baby with colic and reflux and I am convinced otherwise. My baby is 7 months old now and she still has tummy issues. She is a very happy baby except right before a burp or spitting up. All in all I think this book is interesting but not entirely practical. Like all books you have to take the ideas you like and leave the ones you don't.

When I first started reading this book, it all sounded very soppy and over- the- top. It spoke a lot about allowing your children to release their feelings openly through laughter and crying. I didn't really understand it all until recently.
Our 7 month old daughter wasn't sleeping through the night. In fact she was waking up 6/ 7 times a night and my husband and I were both exhausted. We do not agree with letting our baby "cry it out," and the books we read that had alternate suggestions just didn't work with our daughter. A week ago I turned back to The Aware baby book and read it carefully and really tried to make sense of it. I found myself really relating to examples given in the book and feeling a lot more positive about my role as a mother and the importance of giving my daughter a good start in life.
We started implementing the suggestions to help her sleep through the night, and it has been 100% successful. She now sleeps 9 or 10 hours at night, and takes 2 naps during the day. She is cheerful and playful during the day, and my husband and I are well- rested.
I am so pleased with the encouragement that it has given me. It has helped me to refocus on what is important, and reminded me of how special these early years are.
I will definitely purchase Aletha Solter's other books.

03-05-2009
I wanted to update my review, as my daughter is now 2 years old, and since posting my first review I have read and implemented ideas from Aletha Solter's other 3 books. I have read The Aware baby over a dozen times, and I get good advice out of it each time, as infants seem to change so much within a matter of months. I am so thankful that I came across her books. I feel confident that I am raising a little girl who can speak her mind and know that we love her unconditionally. I get compliments all the time on my daughter's "good behavior" and although she does have a good nature and is a sweet girl, I believe this book helped us develop a better relationship with her, understand her needs better, and find ways of dealing with conflicts in a way that considers everyone's needs and avoids upsets.
A few people who have seen firsthand the techniques we use have said that it looks like a lot of work, and there are easier ways of dealing with kids. Parenting is not an easy job, nor does it follow a set amount of hours each day. It is a full- time and often exhausting job. Solter talks about this, and says parents need all the help they can get so that they don't feel burnt out, and can still provide their children with the love and attention they need.
We are having another baby in a few months, and I look forward to using Solter's books yet again and bonding early on with our next baby.

I've read a lot of books on parenting, and this is by far the most helpful book I've read. As a psychotherapist, it makes absolute sense to me her approach, honoring the need for babies and young children to be able to release their stress and pent up emotions through crying. It has strengthened my ability to be present and unconditionally accepting of my daughter, and at the same time I've been able to realize that when she cries, it's not because I've done something wrong, but because she needs to release something. It's a relief not to take her crying so personally anymore. It's also helped with sleep and dealing with conflicts. Highly recommended.

When I first discovered and read this book my second child was 6 months old and my first child already 3 years old. The book answered nearly every question I had agonised over during my first few years as a mother: it is full of well-researched and honest information about babies and their legitimate needs. After the reading this, and Dr Solter's other two books (Tears and Tantrums and Helping Young Children Flourish) I remember walking down the road with my two children feeling absolutely liberated and for the first time since having children I was not anxious or frustrated or worried about whether O ws `doing the right things' at every juncture. I wished I had heard of Dr Solter's work before; that someone had recommended these three books to me earlier, because in my opinion every parent or parent-to-be would benefit from reading her work. I felt that every mother (and father) in every maternity ward ought to be given a copy of The Aware Baby to read!! It is such an important book, and one which is full of support for parents. In a world where babies and infants are so often misunderstood and consequently so often suffer - even with the best intentions in the world - it offers clear and in my opinion intuitively sound advice in an otherwise confusing sea of information, from conflicting medical advice to an array of methods passed down through the generations; advice and methods which new parents - often in urgent need of `solutions' - follow, even if it goes against their better instinct or judgement.

Put simply, this book tells the reader about baby's emotional world and needs, and how to care for and meet those needs, and thus how to care fully for your child. It is easy to read, easy to understand, practical, and will remain useful as a reference point throughout your baby's development. The books has a clear, easy to follow structure, good referencing which builds on sound academic studies and I have found no other book which covers the issues of babyhood and parenthood so simply, directly and informatively. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.