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103 of 113 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Helpful But Unbalanced, February 21, 2008
This is a needed book on an important topic, and I recently picked it up, hoping to gain insights as we prepare for the birth of our second child. It started out as a funny and well-written page-turner.
A couple of chapters in, though, it became problematic. The book really would have benefited from having a male co-author. It comes across as unbalanced and, occasionally, like a husband-bashing fest. Even my wife felt the same way - rather than taking sides with the authors, she thought it was pretty critical and unfair to men. After reading the Scorekeeping chapter, we just looked at each other and commented on how sad it sounded. It focuses too much on the staggering workload of childcare and not enough on the rewards. Some chapters paint so bleak a picture of the post-children landscape of a marriage that it might discourage undecided readers from even wanting kids. I'm very glad I didn't read this before we had our first child.
Efforts are made to focus the content on both genders. The book is divided into topical chapters, each of which contains a "What She Thinks" and a "What He Thinks" section. Those sections mostly do a good job of summarizing common thinking patterns and backing them up with anecdotal quotes from both men and women.
However, the women authors sometimes couldn't resist using their platform to take sides (and digs) when sharing the quotes from the men. These sections feel very unbalanced and, as a male reader, I felt frustrated and defensive at points. The authors belittle any major undertaking that a father might want to attempt outside the home, and insinuate that little or no weekend "free time" should be expected. They catalog male behaviors as "escape-planning" and "shortcut-seeking;" they cite examples of the "did-enough dad." One otherwise responsible father's desire to train for a marathon, for example, is viewed as an "elaborate escape plan" to avoid domestic responsibility. (The idea that a responsible man "shouldn't" have significant goals outside of work and home life is implicit.) In contrast, the female's biggest crime is typically to be overly "compulsive" about the domestic details of child-rearing. In other words, to be too good at parenting! (This authorial disingenuity is equivalent to telling a prospective employer that one's greatest weakness is a tendency to work too hard.)
In the most glaring case, they included a quote from a man talking about how "emasculating" it felt to him when he felt like the family's life had become a big domestic treadmill - like the "fun" part of their lives was over, he often felt like a "robotic working stiff," and he never felt like he was doing enough. "Oh, boo hoo," one of the women authors sardonically comments as they transition back from the quote. At that point I nearly put the book aside, certain that it was hopelessly crippled by a lack of objective editing. There is always a problem when grown-ups make it their business to tell other grown-ups what they should value. In belittling the man's story and emotions, the authors proved his point for him. I doubt that a book written by men about how women "should" feel or what they should value would go over very well, and the overall lack of restraint mars the book's effectiveness.
However, I pressed on, and finished, and I do think that the book overall is a helpful resource (even if it occasionally gives off the impression, or states outright, that "babyproofing" translates into giving up on your old life and on your dreams). A later chapter emphasizes the value of spouses giving each other time to recharge their batteries and stay happy, which was baffling in contrast to the browbeating in earlier sections.
Just read it with a grain of salt, take the good advice, and don't let the authors berate you or convince you that you can't find responsible ways for everyone in the family--adults and kids--to lead rewarding, happy lives.
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47 of 52 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Best Marriage/Parenting Book I've Ever Read, January 25, 2007
This review is from: Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows (Hardcover)
This book is phenomenal and I wish I could give it 10 stars. Not only is it smart, well-written and organized, and highly entertaining, it's also insightful and solution-oriented. I've read a number of books on marriage and parenting, but none that ever combined the two the result is one of the best books I've read in years.
This book will clearly be bought and read predominantly by women, but I'd say it gives near-equal billing to men (not bad for female authors) and does an excellent job of telling the male side of the story. The authors seem to truly empathize with the largely untold story of men having their worlds turned upside down (albeit not nearly as much as women) by parenthood. One day they are the center of their spouse's universe (and vice versa) and the next they are relegated to secondary status. The book does an excellent job of describing why this is necessarily (and temporarily) so. Simply stated, if moms didn't focus 100% of their attention on babies, the human species wouldn't survive. Similarly, if males were not so focused on sex (before and after having kids), the human species wouldn't survive either. This powerful idea arguably explains the bulk of male-female disconnect, post-kids.
Speaking of sex, the chapter on that subject is amazing and well worth the price of the book alone. The 5-minute fix, which some people might take issue with, is probably not for everyone. But it takes up 1 page out of nearly 300, and as with every suggestion in the book, it's soft-pedaled and clearly stated as something to think about rather than a strong recommendation.
The other chapters are full of excellent and entertaining advice - from managing in-laws and multiple kids to striving for life balance (yeah right). My favorite part of the book was the end, which provides heartwarming reflections from grandparents. Most importantly, early parenthood is JUST A PHASE, not unlike military boot-camp. If couples work hard TOGETHER and respect each other's needs and idiosyncrasies, the ultimate payoff is incredible, and your marriage can grow stronger due to parenthood.
I've read a number of blog reviews on the book and they seem to be overwhelmingly positive. There are a couple of negative reviews, which I suppose is to be expected from a book that's original and opinionated. The funny thing is, most of the controversial/offensive stuff in the book comes from interview quotes rather than the authors themselves. Anything that might come across as offensive is likely meant to be humorous (and this book is really funny). If anything, the authors are extremely balanced and non-judgmental, which is impressive given the controversial nature of the subject material. I can see where feminists might take issue with some of the content, but I see A LOT more here that feminists would embrace. Parts (as with any good book) require at least a somewhat open mind. That said, I think the political substance here is very very mainstream.
Anyone who's mildly curious as to the subject matter of this book owes it to themselves to give it a try. It's had a profound impact on how I think about marriage and parenthood, which will ultimately make me a better parent and a better spouse.
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Must Read!!!!, January 25, 2007
This review is from: Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows (Hardcover)
I just finished reading "Babyproofing" and have only one criticism: that it wasn't written 17 years ago!!! I am a married mother of three boys ages 16,9,and 2. My husband and I could've used this book a long time ago! I truly enjoyed this funny, light hearted page turner. I laughed outloud as I related all too well. This book is for all couples whether you've been married forever or just getting started. If you want to survive through your childrens' future milestones with not only your marriage intact but your sanity as well, I highly suggest reading this book. I have one in diapers and one behind the wheel, and my husband and I are still learning. This book reminded us that we're not alone and you can laugh at yourself every now and then. If you have kids- read it. And if you're contemplating having kids then don't do anything until you read this book first!
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