Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes: The Happy Homeowner's Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton's First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal ... Perils of the (Beeler Large Print Series) [Large Print] [Hardcover]

Dave Barry (Author), Jeff MacNelly (Illustrator)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 2003 | Series: Beeler Large Print Series

"Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him."
--The New York Times Book Review
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME--EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKET
At long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered before:
What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?
Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six.
Can you recommend a good mortgage?
There are several kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead.
How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?
Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too.
Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?
Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

So much classic humor comes from anxiety--think of all the befuddled "little men," from James Thurber to Bud Abbott to Woody Allen. One of the most breakdown-inspiring activities in modern life is buying a house, and Dave Barry is a battle-scarred vet of the whole real estate experience. This book is his therapy.

There's nobody better than Barry to mine this territory, and every page of Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes yields up nuggets of the good stuff. Here are a few words from somebody who has been there, done that: "Most experts recommend that, for maximum effectiveness, you should look at forty-five or even fifty houses per day. Experienced home shoppers often reach the point where they can leap out of the real estate broker's car, look at a house, and get back into the car before it reaches a complete stop."

The book also discusses the myriad details of settling into your new life, including a section on making new enemies, dealing with contractors, and redecorating. "The main tip you will pick up is that if you want your house to look really nice, you do not necessarily have to have professional training or even a 'flair' for design; all you need is to have more money than the human mind can comprehend."

As always, Barry is assisted throughout by the illustrations of Jeff (Shoe) MacNelly, making Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes a very funny book and excellent housewarming gift. --Michael Gerber --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Publisher

This is everything you feared about owning and occupying a home. Although Dave always tells the worst, you're chuckling so hard that you actually learn what to do about it!

An indispensable gift for anyone you know who is thinking about buying a house. And if you're thinking of buying one yourself, this is a must-have! --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 115 pages
• Publisher: Thomas T Beeler; Lrg edition (December 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1574905376
• ISBN-13: 978-1574905373
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,007,154 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

The New York Times has pronounced Dave Barry "the funniest man in America." But of course that could have been on a slow news day when there wasn't much else fit to print. True, his bestselling collections of columns are legendary, but it is his wholly original books that reveal him as an American icon. Dave Barry Slept Here was his version of American history. Dave Barry Does Japan was a contribution to international peace and understanding from which Japan has not yet fully recovered. Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys is among the best-read volumes in rehab centers and prisons. Raised in a suburb of New York, educated in a suburb of Philadelphia, he lives now in a suburb of Miami. He is not, as he often puts it so poetically, making this up.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Dave Barry Home Again, June 27, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Homes and Other Black Holes (Mass Market Paperback)

This is one of Dave's funniest books, and, as always, it's well worth the money. Read it. Because where else could you find an auther who writes about plumbing and gorilla nests in the same book??!

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The funny side of home ownership, February 4, 2005

By 

Andrew W. Johns "ResQgeek" (Alexandria, VA USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Homes and Other Black Holes (Mass Market Paperback)

Its probably a good thing I wasn't drinking anything as I read this book, because I would have frequently sprayed the pages with my beverage if I had! Dave Barry takes aim at the trials and tribulations of home ownership, and hits the mark as accurately as he does any of his targets. This is funny stuff, best appreciated by those of us who have actually been there and done that. I had to read a number of passages to my wife, but her favorite was the bit about finding a pediatric group after moving. There is one piece of advice in here that I might actually follow when we finally are ready to move again: "Set fire to your household goods...and just walk away."

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars How to make yourself miserable in your spare time, March 29, 2003

By 

E. A Solinas "ea_solinas" (MD USA) - See all my reviews
(HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (VINE VOICE)    (TOP 100 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Homes and Other Black Holes (Mass Market Paperback)

If you have ever moved, chances are that you never want to do it again. And Dave Barry is quite willing to remind you why moving is such a hideous experience, and why if you ever get the urge to do it again, you should lock yourself in a broom closet until your fit of insanity passes.

Among other things, Dave explains why your furniture takes so long to arrive (it involves primitive harvesters in the jungle) and why you will hate it when it arrives; what is and is not a good neighborhood ("I [heart] my Pit Bull" is bad); the horrifying thing called a mortgage; home repair and why you should not do it yourself; making enemies with your neighbors and their big savage dogs; garage sales; moving stuff out of your old house ("Tropical fish should be individually wadded up in newspaper") and into your new house ("... which will give your possessions an opportunity to scurry, giggling, back out to the truck so that you may carry them inside again").

Basically, if the idea of moving doesn't scare you before you read the book, it definitely will afterwards. Dave explains in horribly, humorously accurate descriptions, just what will happen when you try to move from one house to another. His viewpoint is only warped by the bizarre mindset of one who has tried to move and is still scarred by the experience.

So if you ever look around your house and think that you need more space, or a chance of scenery, have the doctor prescribe you something. But only after you've read this book.