Customer Reviews

The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-)Therapy for Homosexuality

5 star:		(17)
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2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(16)

 

 

Things change. When I read the first book of Van Den Aardweg many years ago, I revolted. Now I sincerely believe that his theory on the causes of homosexuality is the best one around: there is no doubt in my mind that fifty years from now, this book will be listed as the first comprehensive explanation model (it will take some time before that happens because of the ideological approach contemporary culture takes toward homosexuality: in the end, sound science always prevails, however).

So why did I change my mind? Back then, I just started therapy. I was depressed, afraid of aids, fed up with my endless relationships (the sex was good, but the rest quite unfulfilling) , and just looking for an exit out of my gay lifestyle without really believing that any exit existed. Not much happened till I found by chance the books of Van Den Aardweg. And believe me: even though, lukewarmingly, I wanted to change, I didn't like at all what I read: who likes to be called a neurotic little boy, filled with self-pity, and still complaining about the fact that he felt so lonely in adolescence and such a failure as a boy? I felt offended, rejected, and for months my mind just ground around to find counterarguments: no, it it is not selfpity, my loneliness was real, etc. But at the same time I was fascinated because about everything was recognizable: yeah, my mother had been dominating me in a suffocating way, and my father hadn't been much of a father to me, so that indeed I didn't get very well equipped to succeed as a boy among boys. Puberty had indeed been hell. Lonely, more or less friendless, feeling quite a failure, and taking refuge into the one thing I seemed good at, being intelligent. And I remembered how I had longed in endless daydreams for the friends I didn't have, how I had admired guys who were, in my perception, "real boys", and yeah, it were those basically sad feelings that somehow got sexualized and made me say by 18 "I am gay". In the months after reading Aardweg's book, I decided that it basically came down to this question: I either had been "different" since adolescence because I had been gay all the time, though without explictly knowing that (that was the solution that my "gay side" wanted to prove), or I had been "different", in the sense of lonely, feeling inferior in comparison to "real boys", and that had caused my gayness (Aardweg's position). I went up and down for a long time, but finally I guess the most objective part of my mind just admitted that Aardweg's position was right. That admission enabled me to break thru the shame and pain of having felt a "failure" and hiding it behind an overcompensation screen of intelligence. Subsequently I began to make big and remarkable emotional leaps, which would, over a period of some years, result in the fading away of most of my homosexual feelings (jump on it, gay refuters: I admit, there is still something left) and the emergence of more and more heterosexual feelings (please note: I never suppressed my homosexual feelings, I rather solved the emotional problems underneath them: suppressing would have been fully impossible). I agree by the way with the reviewer from Holland: in hindsight, what happened to me was not primarily a change from gay to heterosexual, but from immature and frustrated to (much more) mature, and emotionally balanced.

Some words to other reviewers. What is the talk about Aardweg saying that homosexuality is a "choice"? He rather states the opposite and considers it an emotional disorder, in many regards comparable to the emotional and neurotic problems many people, gay and straight, have, but clearly with some quite specific elements (as every neurosis has its specifics). Emotional disorders are, obviously, no choice but the result of psyco-social factors during one's education. This choice stuff reminds me by the way of Larry King, who always does as if there are only two possibilities: being gay is a choice (only some silly right wingers go for that, apparently thinking that if they say it is not a choice, they have to accept it as normal) or genetic (which somehow becomes then the equivalent of normal). Talking about choice: only in one sense, I guess, one can talk of choice, and that is with regard to the decision to look for an exit.

To potential gay readers of the book I just would like to say: this is a tough book, and your first reaction will probably be like mine: get angry, feel rejected again, and try to prove that this is just nonsense or right wing homophobia. Maybe the reviewer from Holland has by the way a point where he remarks that the tone of the book is slightly too tough (for me it worked out fine ultimately, others might need some more empathy). But remember, it is "tough" like in "tough love": don't focus too much on the tough side, see the love side. Try to be as objective-minded as possible: this is not about being offended or being rejected, it is about finding the best explanation for (your) homosexuality. And realize: in the end, it is not in the first place about becoming straight, but about becoming more mature, more whole and happier.

A last word to the gentleman from Holland whose review puzzled me a little bit. I don't get how he can say that he still agrees with the positions of the gay movement. Personally, I still feel lots of sympathy for gays: it was a messy and difficult period in my life, but I met some good guys who really were struggling, and, gosh, I had some fun as well. But I am really annoyed by the gay lobby. If I just tell my story, they label me a homophobe. Well, let them, I am a "big boy" by now. What really bothers me however, is the sheer intolerance, and its consequences: thanks to Aardweg's theory, it is by now - I really believe it - possible to help especially young people quite easily over their homosexual feelings before fully succumbing to the gay "lifestyle", and all the painful problems it entails. It is about time for a decent, tolerant discussion with more than one politically correct view dominating the discourse.

Van dem Aardweg clearly explains (with substantial documentation of scientific literature) that no genetic factors determine a person's sexual orientation. On the contrary, such individuals developed such a neurosis from feeling isolated from their male peers as adolescents (either because they were not good in sports or the like) and then developing a chronic attitude of feeling sorry for oneself. In addition, van dem Aardweg explains in no uncertain terms the self-serving motives of the Gay Lobbiests, the unscientific studies which they promote, and the damage that they cause. The author also analyzes the reasons for the backsliding of many homosexuals who attempt to cure their homosexuality through Christianity. A truly profound book which bears reading and rereading.

Having struggled with homosexual thoughts for many years, I noticed a review of this book on the NARTH Web site last year. After internalizing the contents of this book and finding a psychologist (recommended by NARTH) with whom I explored this subject matter, my ulcers dissappeared, my depression dissipated, and I am more satisfied with my life than ever before.

Admittely, I had to be "ready" to read this book. I mean to say, first I had to accept homosexual acts as wrong, and then I had to accept the possibility of change.

What I like about this book is that even though he doesn't pull any punches, he explains why he says these things. I have to admit that page by page, he was talking about me, both in my environmental circumstances and in my behavior. I could say, "Yes he's right on target!"

If you are already thinking that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, then this book is hardly for you. This is not a "gay affirming" book, but if you feel like, as I do, that there are other things in your life that you couldn't understand, then this book may help explain it.

It's not an easy book to read, but I felt so much better after I read it. It makes a lot of sense. The man has had extensive work in the field, so he is hardly coming from left field in his observations.

This book provides real practical help to those who are unhappy with their homosexual desires. The first part is the theory of homosexuality (which boils down to the fact that it is a neurosis involving a gender inferiority complex, coupled with a strong tendency to self-pity), the second gives many practical suggestions about how to overcome unwanted homosexual impulses. A reader whose conscience tells him that homosexuality is not for him will find moral support and help, rather than simply being told that he has to accept himself the way he is and there is nothing he can do about it. It is written for Christians and certain references to spiritual matters might irritate some readers. Doubtless this book will have its critics, but the suggestions it gives work. This reader knows from experience.

First off: If you only have time to read 1 review, skip down to FAWWER's. It is excellent and thorough & the reason I read the book.



Now my thoughts: This book is strong, strong medicine -- like chemotherapy-strong. In just 150 short pages, Dr. van den Aardweg gives a clear picture of the psychology of homosexuality, the self-defeating behavior patterns that must be broken, and direction as to how to do so.



Van den Aardweg's approach is definitely psychological not spiritual, but it would be compatible with Christianity, and he does make references to religion.



The first half of the book is vivid description of some of the neurotic behavior patterns associated with homosexuality: tendency to easily take offense, indulge in self-pity, over-dramatize, view the self as both special and tragic, fixate on uniqueness over commonality. Gee, that is harsh, no? He even states that he thinks you cannot be both homosexual and non-neurotic. (ouch and a half) But he is a man of both strength and compassion. I cannot say that I think all people who identify as gay would see themselves prone to the traits he describes, but I'm sure some do, and to those, I think this book would be powerfully helpful.



Dr. van den A. insists that a necessary ingredient to change is a strong WILL. This book is (obviously, I think) only for those who really WANT to change, and have the strength of character to try.



Back to his compassion: The most touching element? The book's dedication page. Clearly the author is angry that those who do NOT wish to yield to homosexual feelings are increasingly shut out of any effort to help them. THEIR pain and reality is utterly denied, and only the 'gay is good' crowd (he calls them the emancipatory homosexuals) are allowed to be heard.



This probably goes without saying, but to the readers of reviews, I think it is pretty clear which reviewers have not even read the book. I hope we who have are providing you with a helpful description not of OUR feelings or position, but of the BOOK, so you may choose accordingly. If you want to stay gay, fine! But please do not interfere with the desire of those who do NOT want to be gay to seek help if they wish.

Dr. Van den Aardweg approaches the topic of homosexuality and seems to have an answer for all the questions about the topic.

While I don't agree with all of his philosophies on the disorder (and yes, it IS a disorder--I speak from experience)--he makes a very clear and unargumentative statement about the core motives of homosexuality: the homosexual person, deep down, desires his gender identity.

Dr. Van den Aardweg's therapeutic methods are sort of that of a football coach. If you want to change, this is what you do, and you have to bust your butt to do it! With this, however, he shows that compassion and love to the person, APART from the problem, is the key. An excellent read for anyone who is remotely interested in the topic, the subject matter is clear and easy to understand.

If one is completely honest with oneself then he/she can see that Aardweg makes some incredibly true and valid points. I found it at times difficult to own up to some of them, but, on the other hand, refreshing to know that someone else out there sees many of the same problems of the struggle with homosexuality that I have found to be TRUE! It's a constant, frustrating yet rewarding battle, and if you're ready for the challenge then this is a book that will definitely help you (along with the grace of God)!

So many books on homosexuality are bogged down in the religious, moral, and political battles over gay rights. Here is a practical book to help the many of us who find ourselves bound in a circle of sexual compulsion. We don't want an argument. We want practical help to lead chaste, hopeful lives. This book provides precisely that.

This book was thorough in its content. In addition, the author is a psychologist. He has done serious studies. He presented secondary studies that were all common to the homosexual role(s).

However, this book may start off offensive and/or appear homophobic. The writer has strong beliefs and presents a dominant writing style. Moreover, he illustrates possible causes and effects with great content from real homosexual persons whom identify with the homosexual lifestyle. He strongly suggests the lifestyle is not genetic, birth defect or a mental disorder. He suggests that it is a learned behavior. He also suggests that one could reverse un-normality thoughts concerning their sexuality.

This is a "must read book" for researchers. It was very informative.

In the sixties the Dutch psychiatrist J.L. Arnt was convinced that he had discovered the origin of neurosis. In a few books he claimed that every neurosis was the manifestation of a grieving child hidden within the adult. It was a very provocative statement, nearly every Dutch psychologist and psychiatrist believed that he was struck by madness. One of his few adherents was the psychologist Gerard van den Aardweg. Van den Aardweg wrote a dissertation at that time in which he tried to prove that homosexuality was (like Arndt said in his last posthumous book 'Onnodig lijden'(1967)a manifestation of a specific form of a grieving child hidden within the adult, a child who has suffered severely from feelings of inferiority and being an outsider among his peers. Interesting was that Van den Aardweg (a spokesman of the very small and very conservative minority within the catholic church in Holland) focused on homosexuality while in Arndts view many heterosexuals had in essence the same kind of neurosis. Out of curiosity I bought the books of Arndt and started a selftherapy to get rid of my 'negative' feelings. After four or five years in which I struggled with the painfull view that many of these negative feelings were the feelings of the grieving child I once was, I felt a lot better and more self-confident. I discovered that my personality as a neurotic was like Arndt said (and in contrary to the simplication of Van den Aardweg) a complex mix of mature and childish ('tragic') feelings. But I also knew that my problem never was that I was gay but that I was neurotic. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with homosexuality but everything is wrong with neurosis. Now something amazing happened to me. Being a man in his twenties I felt little by little attracted to women. It was very confusing to get really 'horny'(I don't know a more exact word to describe it) by girls. I never had any sexual feelings towards girls, but that changed completely. I felt very passionate feelings and enjoyed very much having sex and love with a woman. But now back to Van den Aardweg. In his book you'll have to search for the 'real thing' behind all of his religious prejudice. simplification, harshness and hostility against homosexuals. Nevertheless at this time this book is the only way for you to get acquainted with this theory. My advise: don't spoil your energy in trying to get rid of your homosexuality, but try to get rid of your feelings of inferiority, dissatisfaction, restlessness or of being an outsider. And when you've succeeded, you will also have strong heterosexual longings, but that will be a side effect and not really important.Important will be that you are much more caring, self-confident and happy, gay or heterosexual or bisexual or what ever. God bless you.