11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Orphaned, April 24, 2004
By A Customer
This review is from: Becoming Myself: Living Life to the Fullest After Losing Your Parents (Paperback)
This book spoke to me with clear and percise honesty. i am an orphan...both parents dead while I was still young. But, I had also come from an abusive home as well so there was mixed guilt involved. I missed my parents, and yet glad at the same time that "one" of them is gone. The guilt of trying to learn to live without the thumb on my head was difficult. This book has made it possible to leanr to live and trust and actually grow as a human.
It is a must read...
I also want to mention for those looking for other self healing,memoir style books: Nightmares Echo, Sickened,Running With Scissors.
Delilah Shadow, a somewhat reviewer but avid Non Fiction reader
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Expert in Sudden Loss Reviews Significant Contribution to Field, July 15, 2005
This review is from: Becoming Myself: Living Life to the Fullest After Losing Your Parents (Paperback)
A review of Becoming Myself: Living life to the fullest after the loss of your parents written by Shari Butler, Ph.D. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003. 224 pp. ISBN 0-07-138766-8. $14.95 (Soft cover). Reviewed by Barbara Rubel, author, But I Didn't Say Goodbye: For parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors and the 30 hour course book for nurses, Death, Dying, and Bereavement: Providing compassion during a time of need. To contact the reviewer: www.griefworkcenter.com
In Becoming Myself: Living life to the fullest after the loss of your parents, Shari Butler presents an in-depth look at what it means to be an adult orphan. In her opening statement, Butler says, "Whatever unique path you take through the stages of life-from infancy through adolescence and adulthood - you learn, inevitably, that development brings both the excitement and joy of gain and the sorrow and difficulty of loss as part of its very nature." The process of grief stems from a lifetime of losses from infancy to old age. Becoming Myself is an interesting compilation of personal stories and scenarios that outline the journey grieving adult children take in search of living life to the fullest after the death of their parents.
This book tackles a subject largely unrepresented in literature but particularly relevant to many of today's bereaved. The purpose of the book is to provide insight by looking at life after the death of one's parents. The book is divided into eight chapters. Chapter one, Rediscovering Yourself, begins with the griever's vulnerability. The author explores letting go of the past, learning to live without one's mother and father, and identifying unresolved issues with parents. This chapter provides the underpinnings for all that follow as it looks at the meaning of having no parents.
Chapter 2, The Quality of Parental Relationships, is particularly valuable for those who want to look at the closeness of the relationship shared with one's parents. The author does an excellent job of explaining factors that affect the degree of one's loss. She explains the concept of hardiness as committing to one's grief; seeing the grief process as a challenge, accepting all the feelings and thoughts as important, and accepting the challenge of self-discovery by believing in one's self and one's right to be fully happy and joyful.
In chapter 3, The Self Explodes: Reclaiming the Self, the author pays special attention to the importance of personal growth. Butler explores selfhood from childhood and addresses parent's role as well as the roles within the family. She also addresses milestones as one integrates the loss of one's parents into one's life. The author maintains that "The loss of parents is different from any other loss." However, the author does not explore sudden losses such as suicide, homicide, or car crashes. She does not identify the complicated bereavement of adult children bereaved by these types of losses. The author contends that for each step forward something is abandoned or lost and when one experiences both parent's death, it is ultimately a story about rebirth. I am in agreement with the author that the death of one's parents is different from other losses. But I think this would have been a good opportunity to address the rebirth and grief experience of adult children whose parents died violently and suddenly. Butler could have examined factors that complicate grief due to the nature of the bond between parent and child and the sudden violent nature of the loss.
Chapter 4, Bending the Bough: Beginning to Change, explores ways to describe ones self through the journey of grief. From loss of the inner child to reconnecting to the birth self, this chapter focuses on the conflict of feeling freed after the parent's death as well as addressing the guilt in feeling "bad about feeling good. The bereaved will find Chapter 4 a must read as they learn about the significance of the nature of attachment. Chapter 4 also provides many concrete tools that address ways to fight guilt.
The two chapters that follow, Chapter 5, Navigating the Waters: Rediscovering Internal Depths and Chapter 6, The Hero Within, both reflect the author's belief that transformation takes place in the loss experience. Butler points out the significance of "exercising your change muscles." She notes the importance of repeating the phrases, "I am okay," "I need to feel happy," and "Change is good." The feature that sets this book apart is its intriguing presentation of exercises throughout the chapters. The author offers exercises where the reader can write in their own journal and lists possible journal topics throughout the text. In chapter 5 possible topics include, "Have you been receiving sufficient support in managing your loss? If not, have you sought out counseling to help you cope?"
Of particular interest to me was Chapter 7, The Sky's the Limit: Transforming in Action, which takes a closer look at the steps one can take to creating a new self. The author explores changed perceptions and values, the strength of vulnerability, and the role of social support, and changes in lifestyle. The author suggests ways to help bereaved feel good again and the significance of friendship.
One of the chapters that I thought was outstanding was Chapter 8, Your Life Your Way: Embracing Possibility. This chapter offers a rich and extensive overview of how grieving adult children rediscover who they are as they continue to experience changes over time. Butler explains ways to create parental legacies and identifies the benefits of returning to one's authentic self.
There is one weakness of the book. In chapter 1, the author describes the Kübler-Ross model of grieving. Bultler describes the model as five stages of grief one can expect when parents die. However, Kübler-Ross created the five stage model for the person who has a terminal illness. Kübler-Ross first described the model as the five stages of receiving catastrophic news. The five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Butler has transformed the stages experienced by the terminally ill to a five stage model for those who are grieving the death of parents. This was not Kübler- Ross' intent. Rather than describing a model for those who are terminally ill, the author could have integrated mourning theory, such as Worden's Task Based Model of Grief into the text.
Though there are no resources appended to the book, in this reviewer's opinion, Becoming Myself contains a wealth of valuable material that is well documented and easy to comprehend. I would recommend Shari Butler's book to those adults who are struggling with the death of both of their parents. This book speaks from the heart and wisdom of a psychotherapist with more than 20 years of clinical experience.
The author does an excellent job of weaving real-life stories throughout the text, which is well organized and easy to read. Through questionnaires and exercises, this resource empowers the reader to look at death as an opportunity for positive change. The guide serves well for personal use and will become a helpful companion after the death of one's parents.
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