Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back [Hardcover]

Gail Saltz (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 6, 2004

The Today show psychiatrist shows readers how to stop living half a life, break old patterns, and take control.

The key to having fulfilling relationships, experiencing a satisfying work life, being authentic, confident, and comfortable with yourself is simple, says Gail Saltz, M.D. The stories we told ourselves as children to make sense of the world around us are the cause of most of our adult problems. Becoming Real illustrates how to find those stories and rewrite them so that we can be free of the past, of repeating history, and start down the road to taking control, being stronger, and having the best relationships of our lives.

Emotional pain and difficulty mean that a story you told yourself as a child about how life should be and about who you are isn't working anymore. It's a story that looks like the truth, but it's not-myths like these: "I can't depend on anyone but myself." "There must be something wrong with me that no one stays around." "People don't give me the credit I deserve."

You'll know a story is holding you back if you're experiencing any of the following symptoms: having outbursts of anger out of proportion to the cause; repeating behaviors you don't like in spite of your determination never to repeat them; repeatedly dating or marrying the wrong person; never being happy with your work.

Becoming Real demonstrates how to recognize and defeat the stories that keep us from being happy and prevent us from having fulfilling relationships in our personal lives and at work.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Saltz, an assistant professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital appears who weekly on the Today show, provides a guide to a kind of narrative unconscious as it affects decision making. The author says that most people live according to stories about care and need that were created in childhood to help them stay attached to and feel safe with adults who often failed to give what was needed emotionally. Saltz finds five major groups of stories about oneself and others, and names them by their distinguishing traits: dependent, super achiever, self-defeater, competitor, perfectionist. Such descriptors, she finds, lodge in the unconscious and result in self-destructive or nonproductive behavior in relationships and at work, as each type (or a combination of several) is used as a shield to fend off emotional stress. To move beyond these early stories to a more satisfying life, Saltz recommends that one clearly articulate the "old story" and its cost to one now, and then "rewrite" it and act accordingly. Although the author's instructions for undergoing this process are specific and clear, this is not a quick fix self-help book, but is based on psychoanalytic technique that will take time and commitment.
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About the Author

Gail Saltz, M.D. is assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill- Cornell School of Medicine. She appears every other week on the Today show and has a monthly column in Glamour magazine. Dr. Saltz practices psychiatry in New York City.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Riverhead Hardcover; 1St Edition edition (May 6, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1573222798
• ISBN-13: 978-1573222792
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.2 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,112,336 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

38 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally living for real, July 18, 2004

By 

Deb (Palo Alto, CA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back (Hardcover)

When I picked up Gail's book "Becoming Real" I knew that I had not been happy with my life for years. After I was a few chapters into her book, I discovered why I had not been happy. As I read on, I learned what "stories" I had been telling myself that were preventing me from achieving this happiness. I realized that it was not the rest of the world that was cheating me and overlooking my talents. It was me. By the end of the book, I knew what I had to do to rewrite my story. And, now, I'm proud to say that the plot of my life is a real page-turner. :-)

Gail's book helped me realize that I am in control of what I decide to do with my life. Sure, I could have continued to sit around feeling sorry for myself and look at how well "everyone else" was doing. But, thanks to some essential realizations I had while reading her book, I have learned how to really listen to myself, and what I truly want, regardless of what I think others may want me to do instead.

Putting an end to my roadblock stories has been so freeing. Gail's book helped me learn how to recognize and replace the "self-defeating" parts of my personality that held me back for years. If I had not read her book the other month, I probably would have continued to fret about how unhappy I was, without knowing what to do about it. But, with the insight I gained from Gail's book, I had the tools and courage to make some major changes in my life. After years of pursuing what I thought I should be doing with my life, I am now doing what I want to be doing.

But, I do need to warn you that "Becoming Real" does not guarantee a quick fix. Just as the case with therapy, you really have to be ready to make changes in your life. And, more importantly, you have to be willing to take a close look inside, and have the courage to see what is really there...and also, what is missing. For me, Gail's powerful words were catalysts for the even more powerful steps that I needed to take to "become real."

24 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars No nonsense approach, quick and to the point, March 28, 2005

By 

Mr. TJP "Being positive. Starting where my fe... (Chicago, US) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back (Hardcover)

No matter where you are in; self help books, recovery, self-development, this book is a direct and objective book to helping you know why while giving you solid understanding and tools for change. I read many books of this type and unfortunately have become a registered armchair quarterback psychologist. Gail combines psychoanalysis and cognitive behavioral therapies into a condensed solution.

Is it the magic bullet? Nothing is, but, reading and working the short exercises in the book and reading about the personality types, that you may be in, will definitely give you pause and insight. I got mad going through one of the personality types and even told a friend not to buy the book. I had to call them back after I realized my reading of the book just hit a nerve.

There is no one great book. This one will make a dent, a useful one, especially if you are interested in figuring out why, how, and what do I do now.

One negative, it is gender specific for women. If you are a man and are reading this, you will have to mentally switch female to male references and male to female, which can be a little tiresome. But, if you need to get good information and achieve fast results you find a model that is out there that works and copy it.

Barbara De Angelis mentioned that when she wanted to become a great public speaker back in the 80s she went out and found the strongest best model she could emulate. She was indifferent that it was male, because that was what dominated that area back then. I would say the same about this. It is well done and relates to both sexes, even though Gail seems to have written it directly to the female population.

A good read and an easy read. Well, until it hits a nerve.

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars so phenomenal, May 10, 2005

By 

K. Hudson (san francisco, CA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back (Hardcover)

this book changed my perspective entirely & empowered me to know why i am so hard on myself & effectively make change. knowing why & nonjudgmentally realizing that as small children, we interpret things so differently & incorporate those misinterpretations into who we are as people has been paramount in freeing myself of those self critical views. the things this book discusses are THE reasons people suffer depression, anxiety, etc. medication may help but the real solution is to DEAL with what's underneath the suffering when you are ready to do the work. this book is huge & i'm forever grateful for what i've learned from reading it. highly highly recommend to EVERY person because these things do effect every one in one way or another (to varying degrees of course). if you are a parent or planning to be a parent, this information is highly useful as well.