Customer Reviews

Becoming Gay: The Journey To Self-Acceptance

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I was born in Poland and had to deal with not only coming to America and facing the prejudices of being an immigrant, but I was a homsexual. Like most men in my situation I hid my identity to my friends and family. After reading this book it made me feel good about myself and who I am. I am now open with my family and even more importantly open with myself. This book made me feel better about who I am and my life is now the best I could of ever possibly imagined. For this I thankyou Richard A. Isay and for you amazing eye-opening book.

I was initially put off by the title thinking it was leavingitself open for the 'are they trying to recruit people into becominggay' argument but when I read the book I got the intention: we are gay (or straight, bi, whatever) but in our society we need to fight against the prejudice and hatred that stops us from allowing ourselves to become gay in our identities in our everyday lives. I recently was talking with a gay man I went to high school with who is in the armed forces and although he is gay (in terms of his sexual orientation) his identity is heterosexual in that no one knows he's gay, he has no relationships, and is not connected to other gay people. This book would help someone love themselves and accept who they are.

Isay's years of practicing psychiatry provide him with lots of second hand stories of unique men in unique situations coming to terms with their sexualities. This is one of the first books I've seen that deals well with issues that face older men coming out, the issue of homosexuals in long-term heterosexual marriages, and how psychiatry and psychoanalysis has changed thanks to men like Isay.

When I read the reviews for this book I was looking for information and guidance to begin my journey of self-acceptace. Instead I found this book to deal more with the authors coming out and his relationships with both patients and therapists. While the author had some good thoughts, the book did nothing to help me in my struggle to accept this part of me.

Richard Isay represents a therapist with an empathetic voice whose own struggle with sexuality extended over a period of many frustrating years. Fortunately, he understands that given the choice no man would have chosen to be gay. Therefore, there is no psychoanalytical cure. The only alternative is for men to find self-acceptance within their particular sets of circumstances. Isay wisely advises men not to make rash judgments about coming out. Instead, he argues that there are many reasons for the closet, particularly those constructed by heterosexually married gay men. This book is a must read for all therapists, both straight and gay. It is also a must read for anyone who wants to understand the problem of self-acceptance for gay men.

In Becoming Gay, Isay explores the journey to self-acceptance of the homosexual man, drawing upon his illuminating experiences as a psychoanalyst working with quite a variety of individuals: adolescents, middle-aged, elderly, closeted, proud, married... In each case study, Isay promotes an internal acceptance that can be turned into a positive sexual identity that will improve the well-being and happiness of the individual. The book is thorough and well-researched; you can really trust his ideas.

Isay's writing style is impassioned but also careful and academic. It is clear when he is speaking as a scientist versus when he is speaking about his personal journey and personal opinions. In the final chapter on opposing institutional basis, in which he relates his fight against the homophobic hiring practices and applied theories (such as converting homosexuals into heterosexuals) of the American Psychoanalytic Association, Isay proves himself to be a hero for the gay man. It is a truly gripping conclusion to a heroic book.

At first the discussion of his psychoanalytical work may not seem immediately practical to the general gay man. However, I feel that the benefit is very real, albeit indirect. I am a college student who very recently decided to come out as a gay man, and I bought this book to help me with this process. Through reading it, I found myself recalling suppressed memories and feelings and coming to better understand how being closeted throughout my childhood and adolescence affected my feelings of self-worth. It was only through reading the psychological analyses of real patients that Isay worked with that I was able to come to grips with aspects of my own experience. I strongly recommend this book to any gay man--or anyone who knows a gay man--to gain a better understanding of this difficult process.

The first thing I noticed about this well-written book was its title, Becoming Gay. The title disturbed me because of a firm belief system I have toward lesbians, straights, and gays. A Man does not become gay; he passes through the birth canal and into this world as a gay male baby.

But as I read the book, I realized what Dr. Isay's title meant. He was referring to the haunting epic journey he had taken from youth until the full realization when he developed an identity as a homosexual man.

Dr. Isay was the more aesthetic middle child between an older handsome athletic brother and a younger parent pleasing sister. Yet neither parent was openly affectionate. His father was chronically depressed. Discipline and child rearing was his mother's job and she was quick to anger and punish.

Like so many homosexual young boys, Dr. Isay went to summer camps to please his mom and dad, and although he despised the tedium of interactive sports, he knew that watching naked boys in the showers or changing room fascinated him.

As he matured, Isay began to solidify his desire to work as a therapist. As part of his professional training program, first, he had to undergo deep personal analysis in order to fulfill degree requirements. Isay's psychoanalyst led him to believe he was not a homosexual. His erotic attraction to males masked his true heterosexuality.

According to this analyst, the cause of this gender-switched attraction was the result of Isay's poor self-esteem and lack of real self-worth as a man. Following accepted theory for the cause of homosexuality, his analyst led Isay to blame his overbearing mother and now permanently absent father; Isay's father died at age forty-five.

By the time Isay had completed ten years of analysis, he had married and begot two children "all of whom I loved." Still deeply troubled by his sexual attraction to men, he became convinced that years of suffering through psychoanalysis did him great harm. Believing his analyst blatantly WRONG, as a result, he began to form his own theory for homosexuality as he worked intensely with gay clients.

He now believed that he is and was gay from birth. He put forth the theory that homosexuals do not become gay or lesbian. Simply put: That's the way they are born. Armed with this satisfying theory, he continued his practice as a therapist counseling both heterosexual and homosexual men.

Becoming Gay is indeed a heroic story for this reason. Here was a doctor living a closeted life, afraid to come out for fear of losing his wife and family and afraid of destroying his career. Here was a man forced to seek sexual gratification in hidden places, sometimes in public bathrooms.

How Dr. Isay dealt with his feckless situation is the story found in Becoming Gay. 1) It is a sad story when considering the horrific life he spent denying his own personality. 2) It is a terrifying story considering the demons the man faced before admitting gayness to his wife and family. 3) It is a tortuous story considering the pain caused by his analyst who almost led him to destroy his innate being.

Yet, this book is a deeply moving read, uplifting, because of its words of enlightenment, encouragement, hope, and love for gay men at a time when gayness is still not socially acceptable.

I would strongly recommend this book to ALL adolescents and adults:

1) To young homosexual boys who need the courage to come out so they can find understanding and love from accepting peers even when their own parents reject them

2) To homosexual men and women who must be led to believe they are not freaks. They are NORMAL natural people

3) To gay men in heterosexual marriages who may even contemplate suicide rather than face the mountain of problems society has caused them

4) To analysts who must treat homosexuality as normal for that person, not as an illness which can be analyzed and cured

6) To people, particularly men, who wish to help homosexuals by carrying a healthy, loving, understanding, unprejudiced, attitude toward them into their homes, their communities, their workplaces, and their places of worship.

Though I have never met him, after reading this book, I felt that Richard Isay must be kind man. Like his other book, Being Homosexual, also a good and quick read, he offers short histories and good observations, gently made. While I am personally intrigued by the current academic debates, and the history of Freudian theory which preceded it, in both of which Isay has made his own mark, I cannot help but be grateful that wherever the truth may lie, Isay and his advice are both supportive and practical.

Are you or someone close to you struggling with coming out? This is an excellent book to start this uplifting journey. Coming out is all about self-acceptance. To me, reading Isay's wise council from this and his Being Homosexual was a real godsend. Once you dispose of the garbage that society and internalized homophobia has put in your way, the road to inner peace and tranquility is pretty bright and shining. Explore. Live. You'll love this book and the happiness waiting for you in a full and abundant life. You can't go wrong with this one.

I found the book to be well-written, but too clinically scientific. I was looking for something more experiential from a lay point of view, rather than that of the mental health professional. The book's subtitle "The Journey for Self-Acceptance" suggested more of a personal story, or stories of different people on about their life experiences. This book was not like that. More like case summaries for other counsellors, in strictly clinical terms.