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Being A Dad: The Stuff No One Told Me

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A hilarious, light-hearted look at fatherhood, "Being a Dad" is sure to bring a smile to the face of any father. In 36 short essays Dale Alderman points out the funny side of fatherhood from playing, to potty training, to disciple, money, vacations, and every other fun and funny adventure of raising children. With a great writing style that gets to the point quickly and brings a smile to the face, "Being a Dad: The Stuff No One Told Me" is very well done and highly recommended.

Being a Dad: The Stuff No One Told Me is one of the funniest books I have read in a long, long time. This isn't some kind of guidebook for present and future dads, it's pretty much one man's retelling of a number of memorable and exceedingly humorous experiences he has shared with his two young sons over the course of their young lives. Much of what Dale Alderman says rings true with me, and I'm not even a father (heck, I'm scared of anyone under twelve years old), so I am convinced that many parents out there (mothers as well as fathers, but especially fathers) will be nodding their heads and mumbling things such as "Yep, I know what that's like" and "The same thing happened to me" as they laugh their way from one chapter to the next.

You may want to think about reading this book while no one else is around. Being a Dad will have you laughing out loud time and time again, and there are far too many people out there in the world who see a reader laughing and simply feel compelled to say something like "That book cannot possibly be that funny." Take it from me, folks - Being a Dad is that funny! (I almost never use exclamation marks, so you know I'm telling the truth here.) It's not easy to laugh and wince at the same time, but Dale Alderman even had me laughing through a chapter dealing with the V word (vasectomy) - anyone who can make the details of a vasectomy funny is a comical genius.

As Alderman points out in his introduction, he isn't offering advice here; he is just telling a number of funny stories based on his own experience as a father. His style of presentation is eloquent yet personal, incredibly witty yet sincere; he writes as if he were sitting there telling you these funny stories firsthand, and he is more than willing to talk about his own mistakes and embarrassing moments. You will learn all about the Hooter Fairy, find out which brand of nipple cream reigns supreme, hear all about the magic of growing older while your children run circles around you, and experience the real-life joys and headaches of vacationing with little children, attending children's parties, and trying to get through each day without a blow or kick in a sensitive area. Little League games, field trips, special father-son days: these are major events in the life of a father, and Alderman recounts his own experiences in vivid detail.

Through it all, Alderman's genuine love for his wife and children as well as the true joy he finds in even the most trying of days in the life of a husband and father are obvious. In a very real sense, this book wonderfully communicates the true joy of fatherhood, and what could be more important than that, really? The world needs more fathers like Dale Alderman.

After reading Being A Dad by Dale Alderman I was impressed by the important message behind this book. Dale shares embarrassing, humorous and entertaining true life-testing stories that he has experienced with his family. Over all Dale offers advise using tales that will have you laughing out loud on the subject of being a better husband and father. This would be a great gift for any father, father-to-be or anyone who enjoys amusing tales!

Okay, as you know, with the advent of Internet publishing houses, the price of vanity publishing has dropped precipitously so now every Tom, Dick and Sally can unleash their memoirs-cum-novels, whatever, on an innocent world and only be out a few grand. So I get a lot of people wanting to send me their opuses. I usually ignore them, but sometimes I bite the bullet and say okay send it, and head for cover. Usually the book is so self-indulgent, so poorly edited, so irrelevant to anybody but the artiste himself, that I rarely get past the second page.

Dale Alderman's Being a Dad: The Stuff No One Told Me is different. It's like bending down (for the sake of the exercise) to pick up a penny only to discovered that it's a $10 gold piece (worth several hundred dollars in today's money). I mean, Alderman, for all his low-brow feigning is one very funny, sharp-eyed, socially aware kind of guy. In fact, this is the funniest book I've read in years. Guys making six-figures a pop aren't half as funny. I mean, I have brown stains on my Superdad T-shirt from spurting coffee as I read it.

Look, I don't know the guy. He's from Chantilly, Virginia and hangs out in places like Myrtle Beach, South Carolina--I mean, would I go THERE? Not only that but he watches wrestling smackdown on TV and get supersized regularly at McDonald's. Heck, he even has loogie spitting contests with his kids.

So, I'm not going to review this in the usual way. Nobody is going to believe how funny this book is anyway, no matter what I tell them. What I'm going to do is give Big Dale some career advice.

First, send the pieces out to some fancy mags, the New Yorker, Esquire, The Atlantic Monthly, Harper's, the Paris Review, etc., and just keep sending them. Sure, you'll get rejection after rejection, but sooner or later somebody assistant to the assistant editor is going to actually read one of your tales and is going splatter their cappuccino all over the other manuscripts from laughing and will have to fuss up. This Alderman (yeah, right) is one funny dude even if he thinks that Chuck E. Cheese is high cuisine or that he has videotaped every Baywatch episode ever made or that he has nightmares about Roseanne Barr in a thong.

And bingo! some intrepid editor after many, many conferences and much soul-searching is going to get his nerve up and publish one of these. And people are going to love it. And then some Ivy League editor from Random House or Simon and Schuster is going to come hat in hand to iuniverse (how embarrassing) and say, "Uh, look, I know we aren't on speaking terms, but I got a hundred grand that says you'd like to sell me the rights to Hick Alderman's scatological meanderings."

Meanwhile, couch potato dad, YOU are on the phone with some New York and Hollywood types who want to do lunch and turn the book into a TV sit-com pilot, and you've got three agents and an indie film producer on hold.

Second, when they ask you to water down the...ah, too vividly expressed potty-training jokes and upgrade the strip mall mentality, don't let it happen; but DO put the Barbie Princess Birthday Party piece ("Boys and Girls Are Different--Duh") as the first chapter in the revised edition. It's a painful story, you'll recall, in which asparagus and a tofu birthday cake were served, all in pink, I believe, causing your son Chase, struck with horror amidst all those girls, to whisper in your ear, "Dad, they're aliens! We need to call the Men in Black." What you want to emphasize (for the literary journals) is the biting wit of your socially conscious critique of mid- and low-brow American culture of the early 21st century, which shows up nicely in this piece. Viz:

"Have you ever noticed no one talks about [Barbie's boyfriend] Ken's profession?" Although Barbie has had "so many careers, Flight Attendant, Rock Star, Model, Financial Advisor, Chemical Engineer, Nuclear Physicist, Astronaut..." nobody knows that Ken "was a CPA in Arthur Anderson's Houston Office." Furthermore, "Ken doesn't like to talk about how his long-term relationship with Barbie ended. Some people say Barbie had a number of unresolved 'issues' because Ken isn't anatomically correct."

The second chapter in the book should be the one on your shrunken underpants. You know, you're at Macy's buying some new "briefs" (ha, ha, ha) that you can actually get into, and you realize you're stuck with the "extra large" variety with "the fine print on the package" reading, "May also be used to sail a 28-foot boat."

Third, all the stuff about kids vomiting and you having to change diapers, and Chase sleeping with his police car toy and Logan licking the trash can at Disney World and his Mommy having to tell him, "Yes, I am wearing underpants. No, you cannot see them." Keep it. Keep it all no matter what the money guys say. And all that "Yes, Dear" stuff you have to do with Starla (your wife's name, God love her, you know, the one who refers to you as "Jerkwad"), keep that too. They love that sort of thing on TV. Makes you look like a big, loveable, domesticated Teddy Bear.

Finally, whatever you do, NEVER but NEVER let your kids see this. Burn all copies before they get to be teenagers. If any of their friends ever read a word of this, both Chase and Logan will die of egregious shame and will hate you for the rest of your mortal life and all through the hereafter as well.

The author of "Being a Dad" struck a chord by doing two very simple things: he made a funny book and he made it in a way that it's very easy to relate to. From the very first page the stories will make you laugh so hard, you will see yourself forced to explain your wife what is wrong with you! By the same token, each of the chapters is no more than 4 pages (the approximate attention span you will be able to devote to any reading the first few years after having a baby), and the topics covered in them are not farfetched, but very close to home, making it very easy for new dads to relate to them.

All in all, this is not a book on "advice" for new dads, but rather some great and fun reading that will provide you with some very much needed relief during some of those first few sleep-deprived nights the first years of your kids. Most definitely check it out, laugh out loud too and relax when you learn that you are not alone. ;)

Disclaimer: I was provided with a reviewing copy of the book by the publisher.

Although written from a father's perspective, this book is for all the family. I made up my mind at a very early age that I never wanted to be a father and this book provides confirmation that I made the correct decision. The book is very short - only 120 pages - but the quality makes up for that. Dale, it seems, has a bossy wife (Starla) and two mischievous sons (Chase and Logan) but no daughters. The book covers his time with his two sons from the start of their lives up to the ages of seven (Chase) and four (Logan).

He starts by telling of the problems surrounding the birth of Chase. Despite the fact that Starla had spent five years delivering babies, she was not as prepared for giving birth as Dale had hoped - and there were medical complications. You know it wasn't funny at the time but the way Dale tells the story is very funny and sets the tone of the book.

In the chapter about naming children, Dale warns against giving children unusual names that could cause them to be subject to teasing. I therefore wondered why his boys are called Chase and Logan - however, this was one of the few things that seemed a bit odd.

A recurring theme is how Chase and Logan remember what Dale says and repeat them at exactly the wrong time. In one case, a business get-together outside work allows the families to meet each other. When Chase is introduced to Dale's boss, he tells him what his dad really thought of him.

Another recurring theme is the difference in outlook between men and women and between boys and girls. A particularly entertaining episode occurs when Chase is invited to a girl's birthday party. Of the twelve children at the party, Chase is one of only two boys. He and his father knew as they arrived that accepting the invitation was a mistake and things get worse when they learn that all the food is vegan - not what they were expecting or wanting. So Chase wasn't rewarded for the ordeal with a slice of chocolate cake - it was a tofu cake instead. When Dale and Chase learned that, it was too much for them.

Dale sometimes compares life before he was a father with life as a father, describing how he and Starla spent their time together as a childless couple and all the exciting things they did, then explaining how his boys changed everything - but it's also clear that he loves the company of his boys the way that a father should.

So, this book is the story of sleepless nights, ruined weekends and other misadventures that are all part of family life, told in an extremely witty style. I embarrassed others in the launderette by laughing so much while I was reading this as the washing machine was doing its work. Let's hope that he provides an updated edition in a few years time.

Being a Dad by Dale Alderman is a delightfully funny book about the experience of new parenting as told by a father of two boys under seven years of age. From the initial homecoming with new bundle of joy to the potty training to school days, Dad relates the embarrassments, the horrors, and the joys with hilarious candid personal experiences. This book will make any parent grin and say, "Been there, done that," as he or she chuckles through re-living the memory from this dad's perspective. This is a perfect gift book for expectant or new fathers, or to make any daddy laugh! A fun read.

Also available in a hardcover edition, Being A Dad: The Stuff No One Told Me by Dale Alderman is an amusing trip through the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Drawn heavily from life experiences of author Dale Alderman raising his two young sons, the enjoyable and recognizably familiar anecdotes include "Stop It, Quit It, Stop It...", "Daddy, Are You Awake?", "SuperChildren of the Corn", "Don't Hit Your Brother With A Stick", and much more. Laughable anecdotes aplenty and wry insights into the ups and downs of being a parent in the modern day and age make Being A Dad a highly recommended, grade-A smile-inducing giftbook.

Mr. Dale Alderman has written a series of humorous monologues that are the sort you would expect to hear on the comedy club circuit from someone who looks like a normal out-of-shape, middle-aged sports-loving and pretty-woman-ogling guy. Much of the humor depends on your having the author present or seeing a photograph of him. Since the book lacks such a photograph, about half of the book comes across as a rant trying to be funny . . . but pressing a little too hard.

Half of the book, however, is delicious in its evocation of what it?s really like to raise two young sons. Since my first two children were sons, those parts really resonated. If the book had only focused on raising those two boys, I would have found the book to be a five-star effort. The rants seem more restrained . . . and tempered by love and understanding . . . when the subject is his sons.

I highly recommend these sections. If you have young sons (or had young sons at one time) and stick to these sections, you will probably be delighted with the book:

I'll Only Be Gone for a Few Minutes

I Should Wear a Cup

Ya Better Get This Potty Started

Vacations Will Never Be the Same

SuperChildren of the Corn

The Farmer Cuts the Cheese

Happy Father's Day

Don't Hit Your Brother with a Stick

Strike Three, Strike Four, Strike Five

Mine Is Bigger Than Yours

Business Travel Sucks

Boys and Girls Are Different--Duh

You're Just Going to Feel a Little Pressure

The School Field Trip

I'll Have the Prime Rib with a Side Order of Valium

Dad, Can I Ask You a Question?

I'm Bored

A Letter to My Sons

If you decide you like this book, however, make me one promise -- Don't send a copy to any of my children. I may not become a grandfather if you do!

Many a true word has been written in jest, & BEING A DAD may just make father's laugh a lot more!

This crazy ride gallops from childbirth to grownup-hood, however, unlike those rides at the fairs, fatherhood has no end, & from the birth to first time Dale Alderman is trapped alone in a room with his first son to the surprises of brand new anatomy to watching the money disappear, the comedy roars on...

Rebeccasreads highly recommends ON BEING A DAD for everyman you know who watches tv, doesn't understand women & who's a Dad -- it'll do them good to know they're not alone!