Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death [Paperback]

Joan Halifax (Author), Ira Byock (Foreword)

Book Description

Release date: November 17, 2009

The Buddhist approach to death can be of great benefit to people of all backgrounds—as has been demonstrated time and again in Joan Halifax’s decades of work with the dying and their caregivers. Inspired by traditional Buddhist teachings, her work is a source of wisdom for all those who are charged with a dying person’s care, facing their own death, or wishing to explore and contemplate the transformative power of the dying process. Her teachings affirm that we can open and contact our inner strength, and that we can help others who are suffering to do the same.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In this moving meditation on palliative care, Halifax tells a story about a dying Zen teacher who confesses to his students: Maybe I will die in fear or pain. Remember there is no right way. This sentiment forms the core of a book that provides practical and philosophical guidance to caregivers. Drawing on her 30 years of experience in the contemplative care of the dying, Halifax honestly enumerates the challenges of being with the dying while exalting it as a school for unlearning the patterns of resistance... [it] enjoins us to be still, let go, listen, and be open to the unknown. According to Halifax, bearing witness to dying can teach innumerable lessons to the living—assuming we give up our tight control strategies, our ideas of what it means to die well. Halifax is a Zen priest, and while many of her teachings derive from Buddhism, her supremely readable book will attract readers of all faiths who will appreciate her clarity and compassion and the poignancy of these stories of ordinary people facing their final hours with quiet courage. (June)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

“A moving meditation on palliative care. . . . A supremely readable book that will attract readers of all faiths who will appreciate her clarity and compassion and the poignancy of these stories of ordinary people facing their final hours with quiet courage.”—Publishers Weekly


“This compelling, brave, and wise book draws from a lifetime of remarkable work with people at the end of life.”—Andrew Weil, MD


“Joan Halifax has a knack for straight talk and sublime insight—a no-holds-barred approach to life’s greatest challenge, dying well. This book beckons to those who dare, and those who care; it’s a profound and practical guidebook to the inevitable final dance.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

“This book is a gift of wisdom and practical guidance for living.”—<st1:place w:st="on"> <st1:city w:st="on">Ira Byock</st1:city>, <st1:state w:st="on">MD</st1:state> </st1:place>, author of Dying Well and The Four Things That Matter Most

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: Shambhala; 1 Reprint edition (November 17, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1590307186
• ISBN-13: 978-1590307182
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.6 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (25 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #14,925 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #25 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Sociology > Death
  • #43 in Books > Self-Help > Death & Grief > Grief & Bereavement

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

78 of 79 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant book January 26, 2009

By Niels Larsen

Format:Hardcover

I have scanned the market of books about caretakers and the dying process, and to me this is the finest book available on the subject.

It is cut-to-the-bone view of dying with many personal case stories.

The book is in my view not so well-structured. It is divided in sections, but these overlap, and it seems more like a long association about dying, care-taking and the death process. Sometimes the subject in focus is elaborated and sometimes there is a lot of condensed knowledge in a few sentences.

But it doesn't matter.

You are taken on a journey by this book. It contains so much knowledge (years of experience in the field), so much good advice for living more fully, and so many obvious ways to handle the dying process.

The book describes subjects only rarely found in other similar books - how to take care of the body after death (which can be tremendous healing for grievers I must say from personal experience) and the shadow side of caregiving.

I especially like the description of the dissolution of the elements just before death - indeed what it feels like physically to die - experienced from the inside!

It contains many touching stories, and simple, yet profound sentences of great wisdom - summations of experience from Joan's many hours and years on the bedside of dying fellow human beings.

I only read about 20-30 pages a day to have time to think about and absorb the knowledge in the book.

It is stressed again and again that there are no single good way to die. What the dying person experiences can be so very different from what family, friends, and caretakers experience from the outside....

Each chapter is followed by meditations, which can be used on your own or together with a dying person (well, aren't we all!)

And after completing the book - in the end you end up wishing Joan or somebody trained by her could be there for your own death. And that's kind of a compliment... ;-) Read more ›

23 of 23 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Helping with grief April 5, 2010

By Lucia Deaville

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

A friend of mine who is dying of cancer suggested I read this book because it had helped her deal with her prognosis. It helped relieve the rage I felt, especially because I have three other friends with cancer. It gave me a sense of peace and the ability to open myself to their needs and the inevitable. A must have as a reference to help one cope with dying friends.

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A recommendation for those who want to further appreciate life October 7, 2008

By Midwest Book Review

Format:Hardcover

Death is as much a part of life as living, but most people do not fear life. "Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death" is Joan Halifax's explanation why one should not fear death. A Buddhist teacher who has worked with the dying for much of her life, she uses the teachings of her religion to help inspire those of any faith to be better be prepared for what is inevitable, and live for the time they have now. "Being With Dying" is informed and inspiring, making it a recommendation for those who want to further appreciate life.

20 of 23 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Straight from and to the heart August 20, 2008

By D. Edge

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Healthy, clear, concise guidance, including reflective meditation to care for those who are dying.

At the same time in developing compassion and fearlessness to face the dying, it concurrently provides a guide for healthy living.

Who knows what is most important in life? Those who deny it and live on in ignorant bliss, or those for whom it is already knocking on their door.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Worthwhile and comforting read March 11, 2012

By Judy Croome

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

BEING WITH DYING is specifically aimed at professional caregivers, but non-professional caregivers, such as family members and friends who provide caregiving for a dying person, will find excellent support to guide them along their spiritual path.

With unflinching honesty and deep compassion for the dying person, Halifax explores all the aspects of dying and death that, in being with a dying person, a caregiver may experience. She deals with the spiritual, physical, mental and emotional processes that dying activates and how this affects both the dying person and those around him.

There was some bias against family members and friends acting as caregivers to the dying. All her empathy lies with the dying person, which is as it should be, but Halifax is, at times, quite unsympathetic to the emotional pain, suffering and struggle from the family caregivers' side. Her negative view of caretaker archetypes reveals a subtle disdain for the role of family caregivers.

Unfortunately, this slightly detracts from the inherent wisdom of her advice and Buddhist philosophy. Not all of us have the temperament or self-mastery to become a detached caregiver. All non-professional caregivers do is try to give their loved ones the best that they can out of love. Yes, with hindsight, the mistakes they make may have made dying more difficult for the departing soul, but the resulting guilt also makes the loss harder to bear even when the non-professional caregiver knows the loved one's soul is finally at peace. Halifax's compassion was all for the dying and there was very little left over for the family members living for years in that strange limbo between deep love, anticipatory grief, impending loss and physical exhaustion....

Despite this, the wise reflections, the meditations and the practical advice presented in BEING WITH DYING helped me through the very trying time of my beloved Father's active dying. Coincidentally, I started reading this book the night he had his third and final stroke, and I finished it 11 days later, the day after his funeral.

I regret that I only found this book three years after my role as caregiver to my Father began, because I can see the mistakes I made, despite having help from a professional caregiver for the last 18 months. But I do gain some small comfort from the fact that, in the 6 days it took my beloved Father to actively die, I feel this book truly helped me ease his path slightly (by just sitting quietly with him and following his lead.) I also found the breathing meditations helped me calm my mind and relax my body during this intensely emotional time.

Ultimately, BEING WITH DYING was a worthwhile and comforting read for me. I highly recommend BEING WITH DYING, no matter what stage of the caregiver's role you are currently in. Read more ›

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The Bare Bones Truth of Impermanence May 21, 2011

By A. wooten

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I am deeply grateful that I stumbled upon this book. This book was an anchor to me when my mom was in hospice in my home for the last two months of her life. As I was caring for my dying mother, I was also caring for my two month old who my mother had helped me give birth to in my home. Each time I began to panic at the fear of impending loss of my mother, my best friend, I would pick up this book and be reminded of the normalcy and inevitability of death, just as normal and inevitable as birth.

Joan Halifax shares many stories of her experience with death and dying, which I found a great comfort, having not yet experienced death or profound loss in my life. She reminds us that no has escaped death, not Jesus, Mohamed or Buddha. Her writing also helped me let go of any idea or story about how my mother's last weeks and ultimate passing would or should look like. It helped me be more present with my mom and meet her and myself in each moment as we were - in all the beauty, light and love as well as the confusion, darkness and sorrow.