Customer Reviews

Being Homosexual (Master Work)

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This book uses a psychological approach to probe the development of gay men and the underlying causes of issues many gay men face. This book is concise, to the point and covers topics including low self-esteem, paternal rejection, relationship difficulties and societal restraints. The chapters are as follows:
Chapter 1: What is Homosexuality?
Chapter 2: Childhood and Early Homosexual Identity
Chapter 3: Fathers and Their Homosexual Sons in Childhood
Chapter 4: Adolescence and Young Adulthood of Gay Men
Chapter 5: AIDS: The Development of Healthy Gay Men & Homophobia
Chapter 6: Lovers and Others: Gay Relationships
Chapter 7: The Homoerotic Fantasy of Heterosexual Men and the Question of Bisexuality
Chapter 8: Psychotherapy with Gay Men
Chapter 9: Society and Gay Men

The information is very informative and Richard Isay cites specific behavioral examples from former patients to highlight his points and give the reader insight into the motivation behind those particular men's choices. The book was released in 1989 and while it's true that attitudes and ideas have changed (some for the better, some for the worse) this book has many passages that contain truths that should be remembered.
For example: in regards to fathers of gay sons:
"If the fathers of homosexual boys were accepting and loving toward them, these children would have a model for loving and caring for other men, a model that has not been traditionally available in our society."
In regards to how society views gay men:
"The roots of homophobia, as we have seen, lie in the hatred of what is perceived and labeled as feminine in men. In societies where women are subjugated, feared or discriminated against because men feel contaminated or polluted by them, "feminine" character traits in males will be despised."
Another passage really captures the essence of how societies view gay men by simply stating, "Our society does not desire to see gay men in stable, responsible, mutually gratifying relationships. Such relationships are still too threatening to the sense of masculinity in most segments of Western culture."
Bottom line is I recommend this book to all gay men in addition to reading as many other books as they can find on related topics to gain access to various viewpoints and approaches. While this book uses a psychoanalytical approach, it still offers valuable insights into the development of gay men.

When I came out, among the first books I read on being gay were from Rik Isensee and Richard Isay, and they were extremely useful and uplifting. Be sure to pick up this and the companion book, Isay's Becoming Gay. If you're struggling with self acceptance and coming out issues, or know someone who is, this is a great place to start learning. First comes self acceptance, then loving who you truly are - THEN you can tell someone else all about who you are. Once you've got the self-acceptance part down, the rest is incredibly easy. You can't go wrong with this author on any of his books on being gay.

Men who are sexually attracted to their own gender have been discriminated against long enough. Being Homosexual is a doctor/therapist's attempt to help eliminate some of the tremendous weight of that enduring injustice.

According to Dr. Isay, homosexuals are in every way normal people, normal men, who have all the feelings, hopes, sorrows, loves, desires, as every other person on our planet. In spite of their desire for same sex couplings, gay people must not be looked upon any differently than one person's desire to become a sculptor while another may choose to paint, play a musical instrument, or become a banker, or an athlete.

The tendency to exhibit heterosexual or homosexual behavior is innate, just as any other trait or predisposition. And herein lays the issue. For generations, homosexuality has been thought of as the result of:
1) too much mothering or a domineering mother,
2) too much fathering, or an insufficient father image,
3) playing with girls as a child,
4) not playing with enough boys,
5) an insufficiency of the male hormone, androgen,
6) fear of women,
7) lack of self control,
8) giving into sinful temptation.

The list could go on and on.

After years of counseling both heterosexual and homosexual men, in Being Homosexual, Dr. Isay provides much clinical insight. While a gay man may exhibit one or more of the tendencies above, the observed tendency did not cause his homosexuality. Rather, the man was born gay.

The damage done to the personality of a homosexual man because of continuing societal attitudes, easily explains why numerous gay men seek psychological counseling. Dr. Isay reports that he counsels men who hide their sexuality, often through traditional marriages, to prove to the world and to themselves that they are not abnormal. One can only imagine what years of denial and loathing can do to this person's self image who accepts and believes society's interpretation of normalcy.

Then too, Being Homosexual talks of those men who accept their male erotic preferences. The sad fact is that, psychologically, these men feel they are weird, queer, fag, abnormal, unbalanced, or in someway freaks of nature--even sinful. Dr. Isay discusses how he has led many of his clients to believe differently. But it takes many counseling sessions, sometimes several years of psychotherapy, before these gay men believe that their preferences are N-O-R-M-A-L for them--to hell with
ongoing masculine norms often set by biblical beliefs.

Dr. Isay discusses relationships between gay men. He talks of helping homosexual men accept themselves as normal whether they seek a casual erotic overnight encounter, or a much longer bonding which can last for weeks, months, or even years.

Personally I know two gay men who have been awarded permanent custody of one small boy, and are battling the courts to keep a second child. Thankfully, the issue of custody is not a question of either male caretaker's sexuality. It is a problem with normal parents who have no desire to raise their son, but who are unwilling to consent to permanent adoption.

This short review has barely skimmed the surface of the remarkable insight an individual can gain by reading Being Homosexual. The book is a resource filled with success stories for psychologically troubled men--heterosexual and gay. For men who have been tormented with identity and self-esteem problems, reading about other normal gay males with similar feelings of self-worth can be an end in itself.

The book will be extremely helpful for those men and women genuinely seeking to understand the developmental problems of homosexual boys growing into adulthood. Carrying enlightened information via conversational exchange into the home, the neighborhood, the community, and the church, one educated person can do much to lift the tortuous burden our society still places on homosexuality.

The book is well-written, well-documented, and easy to follow. Of particular interest is the chapter titled, "Psychotherapy with Gay Men." Becoming Homosexual warns of therapists who themselves perceive homosexuality in some way other than normal.

If a gay adolescent or adult seeks counseling because of existing self-acceptance problems, one can only shudder at the harm done by a therapist who makes attempts to cure this individual. Gays are not sick. Gays are not abnormal. Gays are not immoral. Their mental health comes from acceptance of a satisfying expression of natural, inborn, human sexuality.

I would highly recommend this book to ALL readersBecoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance (Vintage)The Advocate Guide to Gay Men's Health and Wellness, particularly to those who claim disinterest. Burying one's manly brain in hot sand will not make deeply engrained attitudes about gays and lesbians evaporate. They are normal folks who seek a gratifying life style like everyone else. Because we are all one under the same God, it is only right to embrace all brothers and sisters in a way that brings them the love, honor, and respect, their God-given personalities deserve.

I recently completed my MSW and did my fieldwork with the HIV/AIDS population and am currently continuing working with this population. I have come across a great many gay men in my practice and this is singularly the best psychodynamic examination of gay males and the difficulties they often have, particularly those brought on by internalized homophobia. Since homosexuality's removal from DSM was so recent, a great deal of the published material from most of the twentieth century usually views as some kind of faulty inverse Oedipus complex (e.g. Peter Blos.) Of particular interest were Isay's views on Axis 2 disorders, particularly narcissistic personalities. Isay provides a refreshing theoretical approach and was invaluable in both my academic and field work and I plan to purchase my own copy for my future work. Highly recommended.

Although every book can be given a benevolent list of areas it can be improved on, I must say, none of my minor criticisms could have prevent me from giving it a well deserved 5 star review. If I was given just one sentence to praise this book, i would choose to say "the truth has never before been so available to the general public".

For just over 14 years I have researched the topic areas covered in this book and have formed my own opinions, after much deliberation, communication, reading and reflection of personal events. Although there are some sections in the book i have difficulty relating too, i can agree that they describe a very real phenomena.

What I found most satisfying when reading this book, was that I could agree on almost everything written there, and my criticisms are so minor that I am forced to review my own personal convictions.

The most important message I have distilled from the book's pages, is that homosexual people are given more reasons, and greater justification, for adversity to sustained and fulfilling relationships with partners and people in society. Society lacks support for the proper emotional development of the homosexual from a substantially young age and this could be corrected if society learnt to surender compulsory notions of heterosexuality. Most importantly, the problem begins when I small male child, who adopts more effeminate behaviors, is subsequently distanced from his father, which creates a sense of guilt at experiencing emotions associated with the desire for affection with another male. Later in life the boy will experience mixed emotions associated with forming a union with other males and this leads to lost and lonely homosexuals in society. It leads to a domination of lustful relationships that are not emotionally fulfilling and additionally, an unsettling and wrestless maladjustment to a teenager's unwanted and uncontrollable developing homosexuality.

The message from this book is that the homosexual minority in society could be substantially more adjusted if there was acceptance from the very start.