Customer Reviews

Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I read this book on the advice of my therapist. Eventhough I read this book at least 15 years ago, I can still remember vividly the encounters of other children as recounted by the author. Although I read most of the book with blurry vision due to tears, I also felt some comfort from knowing that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't to blame, and that I had no reason to feel guilty. The analysis of the author between some of the cases was very insightful. I learned how much responsibility my mom actually shared in the incest, although as a child I thought of her as being completely innocent. I thought I was protecting her with my silence. This book was a great comfort for me. I hope that others who have been victims of incest will also find it to be a comfort.

This is a good starting place for anyone wishing to research the subject of incest. It's concise, well-written, compassionate, insightful, and full of information. Even though it's been in print for 20 years, it's up to date and still the best book available.

"Incest was once called the ultimate taboo. Today we realize that it is a reality with which millions cope on a daily basis. In this insightful and sensitive book, Dr. Susan Forward, bestselling author of Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and renowned expert on sexual abuse and addictive relationships, uses twenty-five case histories--including father and daughter, mother and son, siblings, grandfather and granddaughter, mother and daughter, and father and son-to explore the traumatic effects of incest and to analyze its causes and consequences on every member of a family. In Betrayal of Innocence, Forward shows that the public's new awareness of the problem and increased availability of treatment can be of enormous benefit to victims and their families. By breaking the silence that has always surrounded this devastating subject, Betrayal of Innocence offers practical help and comfort to the survivors of child abuse and to those who love, live, or work with them."

This is one of the best books I have read regarding the subject of incest and child abuse/molestation. It is clear and percise like that of "Beauty For Ashes", honest,truthful and courageous like that of "Nightmares Echo...It makes the reader understand the ramifications of Incest and the devastating effects on the child. I believe this book should be read by everyone in our society over the age of 15. Remarkable book!

This has been the most amazing and eye opening book for me. I have also shared it with my therapist. My abuse was by my father so the father-daughter incest is of most interest to me. I have learned all of the below from this book!!!

It explains how and why incest occurs. It describes how the child perceives the event, the personality of an abuser, and the dynamics of abuse and the incestuous family. It talks about the aftereffects, diagnosis (PTSD) and treatment. We often have traumatic reenactment as we become sexual in outside relationships. We are either disconnected sexually from our bodies or we act out sexually with multiple, often random partners.

Being sexual or doing things for others was the only way I felt I was of any value to anyone else. Why else would they love me if I didn't service them? How else was I of any intrinsic value? I felt power, love and acceptance when I sexually pleased a man. This became my goal in relationships and was how I attracted men. I have confused love, guilt and sex and seen myself as a sexual object.

We must have the understanding of the child's reality, understand that it confounds and contradicts adult logic. Incest abuse is a process with five stages. The child usually learns to accept and accommodate and basic trust is violated. This causes fundamental trust issues for the victim for the rest of his/her life. The family is often enmeshed with lack of appropriate boundaries and role reversals where the child often becomes the significant other to the abuser.

To understand why children blame themselves look only at the child's perception of reality and their defense systems. To a young child, adults, especially parents, are the embodiment of all wisdom and goodness. The child must believe the parent is good because the child is totally helpless and dependent upon the parent. To believe, even for a moment, that a trusted adult is bad would be terrifying and overwhelming. THEREFORE, IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS, THE CHILD AUTOMATICALLY BELIEVES IT IS BECAUSE HE/SHE IS BAD!!! Any other belief causes too much anxiety. Self blame is a powerful defense mechanism for the child. Without it the child would feel unbearable feelings of panic and terror.

The problem is that while this defense is an important survival tool for the young child, victims often take it along with them into their adult lives. They forget they are no longer defenseless and helpless and continue to feel and believe exactly as they did as children. "IF I FEEL BAD, I AM BAD." This is what I am still working on today. I have felt the three D's of incest: Dirty, Damaged and Different. I have felt everyone else is more deserving than I am. I have tried continued self punishment to try to cleanse away the sins I never committed.

HOWEVER, INCEST IS NOT ABOUT SEX!!! IT IS ABOUT PURSUING POWER OR VALIDATION. There seem to be two powerful forces at work inside the large majority of incest aggressors. The first is an almost insatiable need for unconditional love and adoration. There is something terribly engaging about the way that a child can love. No adult relationship is free from conflict or criticism, but children love totally without judgment. This can be a powerful aphrodisiac for a man who, no matter how powerful or competent he may appear to the outside world, carries within him deep feelings of inadequacy. Another type of aggressor defends against his own feelings of inadequacy by gaining power and control over a helpless, dependent child.

It helped me to put the blame and responsibility back on my abuser instead of myself. It explained to me why my family has reacted with denial and a desire for suppression. The role and power of the abuser and family loyalty determine how the family will react. Some members have contracts of silence with the abuser. Many family members will look to suppress it or minimize it. The mother is most often a codependent enabler. Denial is what makes incest abuse a generational problem.

It has allowed me to understand why I feel bad when I have bad feelings. It has explained to me why I have made bad life decisions and shown self destructive behaviors. I felt it was my fault. I continue to want to act out so that I can feel justified in my guilt and be in my comfort zone of shame and blame once again.

I attempted to be good, both to deal with my guilt and to earn the love and acceptance I so desperately craved. I received special attention from my father and that is what kept me quiet and guilt ridden. I became my father's lover as my mother was distant and disconnected from him.

My bed and home were never safe. I had and still have constant nightmares, night terrors as I call them. I often "played possum", dissociated and pretended nothing was going on. I had a hard time often determining if something really happened or it was a dream. I felt powerless. I tried to gain control in other ways through addictions, such as my eating disorder. I developed OCD and an anxiety disorder. I was constantly afraid and felt like I was dodging bullets.

I idolized my father and always painted him as the "romanticized" version of the father that I always wanted. He had to be a loving man so I must be the bad one that was getting what I deserved. This caused self loathing. I hated my body and myself. I tried to kill both multiple times.

Secrecy is what communicates that something is wrong and it is dangerous to tell so no abuse and coercion rarely are needed for incest abuse to occur. Had the other family members been safe to tell then the dynamics of the incestuous family would not have been present, and the abuse would not have occurred.

We must stop denial and dissociation. We need truth and reality to heal. We need to get away from our family systems, intervention from the outside, to disclose and heal without desiring to suppress our abuse once again. Acceptance and validation are key for healing. If the victim is blamed, shamed or disbelieved then the effects of the abuse are compounded instead of changed.

Let us heal and shift the blame and responsibility from the victim to the appropriate place, the abuser. Let us recover and move from victims to survivors. LET US GO FROM VICTIMS TO VICTORIOUS!!!

This book is very well written and helped me through a tough period in my life when I read it in the 80's. I had been having flashbacks and decided to see if I could figure out what was going on. It provided me with a blueprint and a course of action, which helped me find myself and do something about what had happened to me. I would recommend this book to any victims of childhood sexual abuse.

This is the best book I've read. Very easy to read. It describes the characteristics of a child molester. It explained that these people have no compassion or empathy for others and that's how they are able to do such awful things. I highly recommend this book.

As a former counselor, I would recommend this book to my clients who I either knew had incest in their history or I suspected had incest in their history. Many would deny such a history in a way that would only confirm it. But they had to deny it, and that's the problem. Who wants to believe they were betrayed by the ones they trusted the most? And it's not just the offending parent. What about the other parent, the one that should have protected the unprotected? Because it is so unimaginable to accept such betrayal, the human mind typically cannot accept it. I found only one in four who could take that critical first step--acknowledgement of the problem. And it took books like this to get them there, books that clearly say, it's not your fault! Remember the movie "Good Will Hunting?" Remember the punch line to the Matt Damon character? "It's not your fault!" When you're ready to acknowlege the problem, this book will help get you there. This book will help you finally realize, it's not your fault.

What do you say when you read something like this? What do you say when you know deep down inside somebody's life has been destroyed this totally? What do you say when you understand an innocent human life has been annihilated? What do you say when you realize that a person can be so selfishly preoccupied with their own agenda that they go through life hurting other people without batting an eye, all because they are blinded by their own painful circumstances and negative self image? There are some who will read this and for the first time in their lives recognize the harm these innocent victims have suffered(like me), but whatever they realize about it, it will represent only a small fraction of what the victims really suffer, through every day of their tortured lives. When another human being has no empathy or compassion for others, they hurt people. They cannot give what they do not have...empathy, and their lives are driven by their own selfishness. Empathy and compassion can be learned though. It's never too late, but so many are hurt before that point is reached that the guilt, shame, and reproach are almost too much to overcome, and many will take their lives, one way or another, before they ever get there.

Life is full of choices, and every bad decision we make has the potential to hurt someone else. I should know...I have made plenty. What do you say, when "sorry"...is not enough? I hope and pray for the fullest recovery of these innocent victims...and wish for them to know that what happened to them...is not in any way their fault. They are zero% responsible for what happened to them. May God make His face to shine upon them always, share with them His patient and unending love, lift their spirits, and give them grace and mercy in all things.

God grant us the wisdom to make the right choices and decisions in our lives...the courage to act on those right choices and decisions...and the strength to persevere in His righteousness.

This is a great work by Dr. Susan Forward. How I wish she would contact me some day. Everyone that reads this book will develop a level of compassion and empathy they did not have before...of that, you may be assured. God bless the victims with His unconditional love, and help them on their way to a full recovery.

Being a survivor myself I really need books like that ... and the beginning was great, the details and facts. However when I came to the chapter of incest between siblings and she explains that it is more a problem for the elder brother than for the younger sister and downplays the situation among siblings, I thought this book needs to be burnt and taken off the selling list. This is a total non-understanding of the situation and adds to the guilt of the smaller sister in this case. Unbelievable how an author can put things the ways she did. Besides that - there is a lot, a hell of a lot of self-promotion which is not exactly what somebody concerned needs.