Customer Reviews

For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Here's a compilation of the best ideas for helping your marriage both survive and thrive. After writing about marriage in a number of journals and periodicals, Tara Parker-Pope has assembled a helpful all-in-one resource for anyone who cares about marriage.

Well-written, informative, and definitely not "weird science" --- this book is carefully notated and fully indexed, gathering the best ideas and information into one volume. Clear sharp prose, all meat, very little fluff!

Having studied marriages and families for more than two decades, I'm glad to recommend this helpful, encouraging new book!

Dr. David Frisbie
The Center for Marriage & Family Studies
Author of "The Soul-Mate Marriage" and 10 other books

I read the book in a day. It caught my eye at the book store but when I happened to read all the way through, I realized the 3pgs I read at the book store were the meat of the book. Overall, it's a good book to inherit or buy bargain but it's length comes from somewhat repetitive information. The beginning comparing humans to other mammals is by far one of the more interesting approaches to comparing divorce to whether or not other mammals successfully mate with the same mate for life. I feel some parts were just common sense and some parts, esp. the ending were more of marriage counselor jumble and less of the science approach that made me pick up the book in the first place.

Even though she herself has gone through a dissolved marriage (which is what prodded her to research and write this book in the first place), Tara Parker-Pope is refreshingly optimistic about the state and success of matrimony.

In "For Better," Parker-Pope writes about marriage from a strictly scientific vantage point, using medical studies and research findings to probe into what makes love and marriage work. She looks at what research has to say on a variety of topics, including:
* How marriage affects your health (married folks' are healthier and live longer);
* How to make conflict work for you rather than against you (and why the first three minutes of an argument matter the most)
* The science of passion, romance and commitment
* How children and parenting affect marriage
* How the division of housework plays into a marriage--and what women need to learn if they want their husbands to help
* How finances affect marriage ("debt is the number one source of marital strife for newlyweds")
* How researchers can tell which marriages are destined for trouble and which will last based on ten innocent questions about how the spouses met.

The thing that struck me the most as I read through much of the research was how it makes sense. It makes sense that you don't roll your eyes at your spouse when you're arguing. But the statistics that support that? Wow. Eye-rolling is one of the greatest signs of contempt, and contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce. When you have research to back these kinds of things, it makes it all the more real.

And there were so many others, such as the fact that studies have shown that merely holding her husband's hand reduces a wife's stress levels. Or that "Among couples who score high on marital happiness tests, a distinguishing characteristic is that they typically do not have major debt problems." Or, since housework is one of the biggest complaints women have, that wives need to learn how to ask for their husband's help around the house--and not micromanage or critique how he gets those things done. Or that the best way to take care of your children is to take care of your marriage.

What I also appreciated is that Parker-Pope didn't just drop the research on the table and then walk away, but she analyzed and translated the findings so that readers can put them to use in their own marriages. She also includes quizzes that mimic the scientific research questionnaires, making the science interactive and personal. (You can find some of these quizzes on her website.)

Readers with a strong interest in the psychological/biological aspects of male-female relationships will probably have encountered this information before in other books and also in pop psychology periodicals. It is well-covered territory, such as: the smelly t-shirt study / why topless dancers earn more tips at certain times in their menstrual cycle / Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness) / what types of men women are attracted to based on where the women are in their menstrual cycles / etc.

Readers more accustomed to selecting self-help books regarding male-female relationships will probably find this an eye-opening read. It is fascinating information chock full of scientific research and also includes questionnaires for the reader to complete that were given to test subjects. Furthermore the book includes many helpful tips for improving your marriage regarding division of household chores, resolving conflicts in a healthy manner, and smoothing over childcare stresses. I have one caveat. The chapter discussing sexual discord and mismatched libidos within (male-female) marriage is somewhat lacking in scientific research to back up arguments and conclusions made. (Statistics pertain solely to the frequency of couples having sex but there are no statistics/research studies included to expand on how, why, or if frequency of sex positively affects happiness within a marriage for both partners). Readers looking for helpful hints and tips to ameliorate disagreements specifically about differing libidos may find this chapter wanting.

Overall, it is an engaging book written in an approachable style; however, I learned little new information. I selected this book in the hopes of learning more about new research I have not previously read, as opposed to the self-help aspect of improving my marriage. I was looking for more science (written in a digestible style as opposed to the arduous style of medical literature with lots of jargon), and fewer tips.

Must reading for every married couple or anyone contemplating marriage. The scientific approach to marriage makes so much more sense than much of what is contained in traditional marriage or pre-marriage counseling. Much of what is in the book will open the eyes of couples contemplating marriage or divorce so they can see the scientific explanations for much of our behavior and give us logical methods to change or accept our behavior. The book includes many tests which should be taken by each couple to evaluate their actions or beliefs against validated scientific studies.

I was interested in this book for the science - and there is, surprisingly, a lot of good science which has been developed. Parker-Pope does well with the material. She knows her way around the use of statistics, and is careful to qualify them. I did do a bit of skimming.

There is one thing she should have warned the reader about. If, for example, certain modes of discourse are predictive of a successful marriage, it does not NECESSARILY mean that if you imitate them, it will turn a bad marriage into a successful one. It is kind of like the uncertainty principle. What is a good predictor when behavior has not been tailored to a set of findings, will not necessarily be a good predictor if behavior is consciously adopted as a result of those findings. Still, it can't hurt, and probably would help, to try to learn from the science.

This book is not written for psychologists, or for people who regularly read psychological journals. It is written for regular people. If you are a logic centered person, someone who likes facts, this book is for you. It gathers research focused on relationships, and in simple english explains what that information means to YOUR relationship. It also debunks the myths we have been hearing for years (half of marriages end in divorce; happy couples don't fight; everybody cheats). It is short enough and simple enough that you could read it in a day or a week, but I learned SO much from it. Plus, quizzes are included so you can identify where you and your partner are in different aspects, and actually address differences you find. I have recommended this book to everyone I know who is in a relationship or who can't manage to find a relationship that works, or who has had a failed relationship. I think if everyone read this book, our society would be better at relationships, and maybe we could get rid of all these harmful expectations so many people have.

Everyone knows there is no shortage of `relationship' books on the market today. Books about dating, mating and separating have lined bookshelves for years.

So it comes with some surprise that someone has come up with a fresh approach to this age-old topic; an approach primarily based on science. Not just science in a cold, clinical, Masters and Johnson style, but a science that takes into account things like socialization, health patterns, communication skills and lifestyle issues.

In, `For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage,' author and New York Times' `Well blog' columnist Tara Parker-Pope explores a wide variety of factors that determine success (or failure) for today's married couples. Everything from the initial meeting to body language (including the killer rolled eyeballs), frequency of sex, and married vs. single vs. divorced health patterns for both men and women is fair game here. From hormonal studies to extra-marital affairs, the concepts are explained with the kind of backing that goes beyond the opinion style of similar books to a well backed set of facts (many of which are counter-intuitive) to support each revealing position. Meaning... we're talking research.

Parker-Pope brings together an impressive array of studies and statistics - from lab experiments on mice and chimps, to census data trends to a wide swath of studies (Berkeley, NYU, Vanderbilt, Mayo Clinic, etc.) to create her models of the new married class. Dozens upon dozens of studies are translated in a well organized fashion to examine the factors that create lasting marital love; the nitty-gritty of why some relations work, others don't and what can really be done to improve a couple's chances of overall success. (The good news here, is that things aren't as bad as we've been led to believe.) Throughout, Parker-Pope presents the findings in a fluid yet condensed (i.e. no filler) writing style that is neither dry nor difficult to absorb, which, in the final analysis, is precisely what sets `For Better' apart from many others on the subject.

The book was basically a compilation of random studies sort of linked together with sometimes erroneous conclusions. Correlation does not mean causation, and although none of the studies had to do with changing behaviors (language, etc), Parker-Pope seems to think that forcing yourself to act a certain way will definitely have an effect if you're in a failing relationship.

This book should be required reading for anyone wanting to repair their relationship and reconnect with their partner. It's different from most self-help relationship books because it is based on sound scientific principles, data, and evidence. Items that are typically lacking from most marrital therapy books. As a marriage counselor, I am constantly reading new releases for anything that might help the couples that I take care of. Few books make it to my recommended reading list; this one is going straight to the top!

Dr. Kathy Nickerson
Licensed Clincial Psychologist
[...]